Originally published @ Health
Out of all the go-to skills in your sex repertoire, giving a hand job is likely not one that you whip out often. Not because you’re totally clueless about how to handle his penis, but because sometime after high school, the good ol’ HJ lost its luster.
“The hand job definitely doesn’t happen enough in adult bedrooms,” says Vanessa Marin, a licensed sex therapist in Los Angeles. “It’s a huge shame because a hand job is a great way to bring pleasure to your partner.”
The reasons are two-fold: One, he gets the opportunity to watch his sexy partner (you) take the reins on something he typically does himself. And two, when you do something that you don’t engage in often, the act becomes infinitely hotter. Simply because it’s novel.
“Our brains crave newness,” Marin says—even for something that’s totally old-school.
While you’re revamping your sex life, you may as well know how it stacks up with others’:
So here’s how to give a good hand job, in case you (a) forgot, or (b) skipped that step on your way to be becoming a full-blown sex goddess…
1. Start with a conversation about hand jobs.
Good sex starts with knowing what you and your partner want—and being able to talk about it. The hand job, despite its “basic” nature, is no exception.
“The easiest way to find out what works for him is to ask him how he likes to touch himself,” says Holly Richmond, PhD, a certified sex therapist and licensed marriage therapist with practices in L.A., New Jersey, and Portland, Oregon. “Have him show you what he does when he’s on his own, and really watch.”
Not only will you get a general idea of the speed and motion he uses, you’ll also likely be turned on.
“For many women [and men], watching their partner masturbate is a huge turn-on,” Richmond adds. And getting in the mood to give a good handy is half the battle (amirite?).
2. Take note of what you’re working with.
Every man and every penis is different (obvs), but for hand-job purposes, you can divide them into two camps: circumcised and uncircumcised.
Circumcised penises (a.k.a. ones that have had the foreskin removed) are used to being touched at the tip, so you may want to spend extra time on that area, Richmond says.
Uncircumcised penises, however, can be extremely sensitive around the hood (because they’re not usually exposed). So with this type, you definitely want to see how aggressively he tugs on himself before you jump in. He may not pull the foreskin down much, so take note.
3. Use lube—always—for a good hand job.
If you haven’t figured out by now that lube makes everything better, maybe you will now.
“When you’re using your hands instead of your mouth or vagina, which are wet in nature, you need lubricant to minimize friction from skin-to-skin contact,” Marin explains. “The hand job will become much, much smoother and easier for you and much more enjoyable for him.”Of course, you don’t have to be a total traditionalist with your hand job. “There’s no reason you can’t use a little bit of spit to add moisture,” adds Richmond. Just know that whereas spit dries/evaporates quickly, a good lube won’t.
4. Don’t be afraid of pressure.
“A big ‘issue’ that comes up from men is that women are too delicate with the penis,” Marin says. It’s not really your fault: “Since the clitoris is really sensitive, we tend to approach the penis with more sensitivity than necessary. You can be a lot firmer than you think.”
Of course, you don’t want to squeeze your guy so hard that his eggplant actually turns purple. So a good way to tell? “When your partner is hard, wrap your hand around his penis and gradually increase the pressure. As you do so, have him tell you when it’s too much,” suggests Marin.
You’ll very likely be surprised by how much pressure he actually wants.
5. Mix up your hand technique.
Chances are, your guy is used to getting himself off with a pretty straightforward up-and-down motion. (I mean, he’s been doing this since, what, age 11? He’s got it down pat.)
So when you’re giving him a hand job, simple is better. “A lot of women get overly complicated with technique,” Marin says, “which can be a little too much for him.”
“A lot of women get overly complicated with technique, which can be a little too much for him.”
Her advice: Switch things up a bit every minute-ish. That doesn’t mean stop what you’re doing and restart with an entirely different type of touch, but “make a slight tweak, like using a little more pressure or going a little slower or faster,” she says.
Have two or three different techniques that you can alternate, and gradually transition between them.
For example, try cupping your whole hand around the base of his penis and doing a slight twisting motion (again, with lube!) as you move his shaft up and down. Then switch to sliding just your thumb and pointer finger (imagine the “okay” hand signal) up and down his penis, faster.
6. Use both hands.
Speaking of technique, one way to make him finish fast (that is sorta the goal when your arms get tired, right?) is to bring both hands to the penis party.
“He’s most likely used to just using one main hand when he masturbates, so if you use two, you’re adding excitement and stimulation right off the bat,” Richmond notes.
Plus, using two hands shows you’re really, uh, invested in giving a good performance. “He will be much more into the hand job if he can easily tell that you are, too,” says Marin. (True words.)
7. Experiment with different areas.
By this, I mean (mostly) his balls.
“Don’t leave the balls out of it, unless you know he’s not into ball play,” Marin says. Balls are usually pretty simple: “Either cradle them softly in one hand, rub your fingers around them, or lightly stroke the area in between the two testicles, which is super-sensitive.”
You could also try spreading your hand so that you grasp his balls between your fingers (do. not. squeeze.) or grazing a finger from the top of his ballsack down, she adds.
And don’t stop there: “The area between his penis and anus, the perineum, has tons of nerve endings, so you can touch there, too,” Richmond says. He could also like a little butt action—but always ask first. Never ass-ume (heh).
For circumcised penises, stroking the area where his head meets his shaft, as well as the very tip, can be extremely stimulating for him, as well. Again, focus your attention where he does himself and you’re good.
8. Pay attention to his cues.
When one (or both) of you is naked, verbalizing when something doesn’t feel good can be awkward, if not downright awful. But communicating about what you don’t like is super important—especially in the case of a hand job, when you could actually cause him some pain.
Ideally, your partner will tell you when he’s uncomfortable or just not into something, but either way, “pay attention to his body language, which will tell you everything about how it feels,” says Richmond. That includes his facial expressions, (happy) moans, pace of breath, and—the obvious—strength of his erection.
“It’s perfectly possible to use a hand job as the main sex event rather than just foreplay.”
In case you were wondering, “it’s perfectly possible to use a hand job as the main sex event rather than just foreplay,” Richmond continues. “We all want to be touched—it creates an opportunity for a whole new level of intimacy.”
So there you have it, folks: A good hand job is finally in your, ahem, hands…and hopefully will be for the rest of your adult life.
When’s the last time you gave a hand job?
