Doctors haven’t pinpointed exactly what causes hidradenitis suppurativa (HS), the chronic acne-like skin condition characterized by painful bumps under the skin that is estimated to impact between one and four percent of the population, according to the U.S. National Library of Medicine. However, we do know it’s more likely to occur in women than it is in men. We also know that it shows up in areas on the body where skin is likely to rub together, including around the breasts, underarms, buttocks, and genitals. Because of this, it can often have a profound impact on the sex lives of patients who deal with it. One study in The Journal of Clinical Medicine reported that on a scale of one to 10, on average, women rated the impact this condition has on their intimacy as a seven while men rated it a six.

When you take into account that outbreaks of HS can not only be painful but that the lesions they cause can also leak fluid that may have an unpleasant odor, it begins to make sense how having this condition could potentially affect one’s sex life. Additionally, given the lack of awareness about HS and that the appearance of a flare-up can often be mistaken for an STI, there’s frequently stigma attached, which makes it that much harder for people to talk about. Many of the lesions caused by the condition also produce scars, so its impacts remain visible beyond the time period of an active flare-up. Experts believe these stressors and their impact on a patient’s psyche contribute to the high level of sexual dysfunction in HS sufferers — around 51 percent in women, according to a 2019 study in the journal Dermatology.

But many sex therapists believe that with some personal, emotional work, along with open communication with a caring partner, and strategies to help head off discomfort, you can have a richer, more satisfying sex life with HS. Let them show you the way.

Explore on Your Own

Working toward a more positive, healthy relationship with your body is one of the primary pieces of advice for patients seeking to improve their sex lives, including those with HS. “In sex therapy we address this by encouraging our clients to explore their bodies and get to know their sexual selves,” explains Ursula Ofman, a clinical psychologist and sex therapist based in New York City. This means taking the time to masturbate and be intimate with yourself so that you can figure out exactly where and how you like to be touched, as well as what doesn’t work for you, all while spending time thinking about your body in a positive way. What you discover on your own can make a world of difference in how you approach partnered sex.

“Sexual confidence, knowing your body, and understanding what kind of stimulation you enjoy allows a person to focus on your own sexiness rather than some cosmetic imperfection,” explains Ofman. The more confident you become, the more likely it is that HS will begin to feel like just another aspect of who you are, rather than something that defines you.

Holly Richmond, a somatic psychologist, licensed marriage and family therapist, and certified sex therapist based in New York City agrees, explaining that the knowledge gained from self-exploration with touch, in general, can often be the key to upping libido and tackling sexual dysfunction. “Being comfortable with our bodies and knowing what turns us on is the key to great sex,” she says. “When people understand their individual requirements for desire… they have more access to pleasure and connection.”

Consider Strategic Lingerie

First, a reminder to all people with HS that the condition is nothing to be ashamed of, and many people who have it feel perfectly confident in their skin. For others who sometimes feel self-conscious about visible flare-ups or scarring, there’s a strategy that can help: don’t be afraid to call on pretty nightwear to keep them under wraps, says Richmond.

For example, if lesions on your torso are a concern, wearing a camisole can make you feel more confident, which may make you feel more in the mood. Not a lingerie person? The old standby trick of dimming the lights works, too.

Make Sex About Teamwork

Once you’ve explored to figure out some of the things that turn you on, as well as your boundaries, you can talk about those things with your partner as soon as you feel ready. When you do, Richmond says you can say things like “Please be gentle there, I’m hypersensitive” — then let them know the areas they have a green light to go for. “I think all good sex needs to start with where I like to be touched, where I don’t like to be touched, what feels great for me, what doesn’t feel so great,” she says.

And take note that this will be an ongoing conversation versus a one-time thing, as consent can be revoked at any time, you and your partner may decide you want to try new things, or you may find that you don’t like something you previously did.

If stress starts to creep in during the throes of passion (or lack thereof), try slowing things down, taking the focus off intercourse, and go back to the kinds of touch and areas you know you feel good at that time. For example, if your breasts are sore due to a flare-up and you know you like neck play, ask for your partner to try kissing you there for a while. This gives way to the opportunity, as Richmond says, “to try to bypass the anxiety or depression in your head [when] you just can’t quite get your body going to the arousal.”

Set the Right Tone With a New Partner

Yes, open communication is a cornerstone of any healthy, established relationship, but bringing up a topic you feel self-conscious about with someone you just started dating can be tricky. “Discussing it too early may make it appear as too much of a big deal; too late may be seen as misleading,” says Ofman. In other words, you don’t have to bring it up on the first date, but you may also want to do it before the first time you’re intimate. That way, everything is out on the table and you don’t feel forced to explain something you may feel self-conscious about in an already-vulnerable moment.

When you are ready to open up, Richmond advises having the conversation about HS in person — and not during a makeout session or via text. Pick a private place to sit down, and make eye contact. “It fosters empathy,” she explains.

Richmond suggests starting with the fact that you have a skin condition that’s not contagious to ease any concerns up front. From there, she says you can cover anything you feel comfortable disclosing within your personal boundaries. A few topics you might want to consider: “The facts about it, how it presented for you, how long you’ve had it, what your treatment plan is, and how it is impacting your life,” she says. Then give them the floor. “Say, ‘Are there any questions you have?’ That can keep them out of a position of defensiveness,” she insists.

And if their reaction isn’t what you had hoped for? Give them a little space to process, and give yourself some space, as well. “If it’s a deal-breaker, you dodged a bullet; you don’t want to be in a relationship with a really uncompassionate person anyway,” says Richmond. While an insensitive remark — or even a flat-out rejection — from one person can hurt, try to remember that not everyone will react this way. Even if you need some time, don’t let this be a reason to forego intimacy altogether.

Find Support

Isolation can be intense when you’re dealing with a condition that’s not frequently talked about or even well-known. That’s why Ofman suggests finding patients in the same boat via virtual support groups, which, she says, “can help normalize one’s experience.” Having a sounding board can help relieve your worries — plus, hearing how others have successfully managed their intimate lives with HS can be a game-changer and show you that it’s possible. The nonprofit Hope for HS is one such place where people gather virtually to chat about their experiences.

If it’s been a while since you’ve spoken with your doctor about your symptoms, Richmond also says it’s worth a check-in to make sure you’re doing all you can do. Knowing you’re on top of your routine and being proactive can sometimes help your mindset as well, since you’re doing all you can do. It’s about feeling empowered. “When your body feels out of control, that’s a really unsexy feeling,” she says.

Read more on Hidradenitis Suppurativa.

Developing a new habit or ritual during this time can help you maintain a sense of normalcy. “Habits help us feel grounded. It really is another word for ritual. And rituals can help us feel embodied and connected (to ourselves and others, even if they are far away, and the planet,” says psychologist Denise Renye.

Let’s say you want to learn a new language or begin each day with meditation. How do you make the habit stick? Twenty-one days is the often-cited amount of time it supposedly takes to make or break a habit, but according to psychologist Holly Richmond, that’s the bare minimum. A study by the European Journal of Social Psychology suggests that it actually takes anywhere between 18 to 254 days for a person to form a new habit, Healthline reports.

“It depends on the habit,” Richmond says. “If it’s a pleasure-based habit that is releasing dopamine and endorphins those are going to take a little bit longer to break.” And conversely, if the habit you are trying to start, such as exercise, releases dopamine, it will be easier to pick up.

So how can you use this downtime to form a new habit? Well, let’s make it fun. While there’s no scientific basis for astrology, it makes sense that the different personality traits associated with each sign would mean they form habits in different ways. For instance, while a Capricorn can typically start a detailed project and see it through with no problem, a Leo may need the dopamine hit that comes from sharing their new ritual on social media. Taurus totally requires comfort and snacks, and Scorpio absolutely needs to chill out. Read on to learn how your sign forms a new habit.

Aries

Aries, an adorable ram, is the first sign of the zodiac (and you know it). Aries has no problem stomping your feet to get what you want, and you usually win. To start a new habit, Aries will benefit from leaning into your childlike excitement. Opt for new routines that make you eager to get out of bed in the morning. Rather than trying to force yourself into what you think you should be doing, pick habits that make you smile, such as sketching after dinner or having a dance party in your apartment as a form of exercise.

Taurus

Taurus, the cutest cow, is ruled by Venus, the planet of beauty and abundance. This sign loves comfort. That doesn’t mean you can’t get your hands dirty, though. Determined Taurus makes for an excellent protester, but when you come home after fighting the system, you will need some time to unwind. Whether it’s reading a book before bed or journaling after dinner, Taurus will stick with a habit if it includes yummy snacks and a cozy blanket.

Gemini

Chatty Gemini has a busy mind. Not only is this sign represented by the twins, you’re also ruled by messenger planet Mercury, which rules over communication. While this makes Gemini a very socially popular and prolific worker, it also makes it difficult for you to find quiet and calm. Geminis can benefit from meditation, but would be wise to switch up your meditations every so often. The twins know that variety is the spice of life (which is also why you tend to do so well dating).

Cancer

Represented by the crab, Cancer has a reputation for being a bit of a hermit. While this sign loves alone time, you are not always sweet little homebodies. You also love to party and can be moody. Crabs side-step and so do Cancers. You can be avoidant, which is why you need comforting routines to keep you feeling safe. The setting is very important for Cancers. Whether it’s doing yoga or getting used to working from home, you will do best if you enjoy your surroundings. As Cancer is ruled by the moon, you should try activities such as writing or meditating at night with a view of the starry sky.

Leo

Leo, the bold lion with a heart of gold, struggles with stay-at-home orders. You are a sign that revels in attention, but it’s not quite vanity; it’s a love of the spotlight. In fact, Leos make excellent leaders, though you do sometimes struggle with laziness. You need motivation. A Leo should feel free to be yourself and share your rituals on social media. Comments will encourage you to keep repeating helpful habits.

Virgo

Virgo’s famous organizational skills are no joke. Your sign likes checking off little boxes, creating shared Google calendars, and ensuring your workspace perfectly fits your needs. If a Virgo is adjusting to working from home, your sign would benefit from using calendars and planners to keep you on track. Virgo is also represented by the hermit card in the tarot, so you should lean into alone time to recharge. Just make sure to reach out to a friend here and there so you’re not completely isolating, please.

Libra

Libra is represented by the scales, and this sign definitely needs balance to feel complete. For example, if a Libra is feeling cooped up, a good habit to start would be something active, such as going on a run or swimming. This sign is famous for flirting, but you can also sometimes be short with your words even when you don’t mean to. Regular habits and a set schedule will help keep a Libra occupied so you don’t say things out of boredom that you’ll regret.

Scorpio

Scorpio has a reputation for emotional intensity, and the rumors are true. Especially during stressful times, those born under this water sign will benefit from breathing exercises, working out, and meditation to keep your anxiety at bay. If you have problems with motivation, go for the dopamine and give yourself a treat (like chocolate) after you complete your new ritual.

Sagittarius

Sagittarius loves to learn and is one of the most academic signs, so you do well with habits that involve learning new skills. This could be anything from learning to build furniture, to weaving, to web design, to cooking. Sagittarius also loves to travel, so even with stay-at-home orders in place, you can benefit from a regular walk or bike ride for the change of scenery. Loud archers need company, so safely collaborating with others will help you keep a habit.

Capricorn

Capricorn is a very hard worker and loves creating and maintaining new habits — anything to keep moving forward. The sea goat isn’t scared of commitment and tends to be in it for the long haul, so whether it’s launching a new business or learning a new language, Capricorns do well with habits that require ongoing responsibility. You just need to remember not to be too hard on yourself if you mess up along the way.

Aquarius

Aquarius is the humanitarian of the zodiac and will not just sit at home while the world needs all the help that it can get. Your sign will have the most success with choosing habits that help your community. Get involved in your local politics or protests and honor your commitment. An Aquarius just needs to be mindful that you don’t get so lost in your activism that you forget to take care of yourself.

Pisces

Pisces is one of the most creative signs of the zodiac and will benefit from picking up a new, creative hobby. As an intuitive water sign, you are great at drawing, poetry, or dance. Movement, whether it’s choreographing dance moves or biking, is helpful to keep a Pisces motivated. You also have a reputation for being a bit dreamy, so it’s important for you to stay grounded meditating or working with a therapist to understand your deep well of emotions.

All of our lives have been affected by the COVID-19 pandemic and self-isolation. This unprecedented event is understandably triggering anxiety, especially for those who have a pre-existing anxiety disorder or other mental health condition. While you should keep in touch with your therapist or doctor virtually as you navigate this new strange world, consider adding some calming playlists into your self-care routine.

Sometimes we need to listen to sad songs so we feel less alone, and other times we need to hear something a little more upbeat to keep us feeling positive when we’re about to crumble. Or maybe anxiety is keeping you up at night and you could benefit from listening to an ambient playlist. There are different playlists for different moods, and we’ve picked out six to help you through this tough time. Listen, relax, and even consider making one of your own. You’ve got this.

1. A playlist to help calm you down

The aptly-named Calm Down Playlist, created by Jane Aldridge, will help you do just that. When you feel overwhelmed or like your anxiety is starting to spiral, put this on. The song curation excellently blends tracks that are both relaxing and uplifting. It’s a calm enough playlist that you can just press play and relax, and yes, all the songs are full of good vibes only. Stay positive with tracks such as “A Time for Love” by Dennis Coffey.

2. A playlist for the moment

Singer and songwriter Phoebe Bridgers kindly created this playlist called Catch Me Inside (yes, a nod to Bhad Bhabie) that’s full of songs about, well, staying inside, for the most part. But it’s not that simple — songs on this list are also full of longing, and desire, and nostalgia, and it might just be exactly what you want to hear right now.

3. A playlist to help you focus

For anyone currently struggling to try to get any work done, turn on this focus playlist created by Spotify. All the songs included are somehow serene yet stimulating. Sometimes trying to work to songs with words can be distracting, but these instrumental ambient tunes from greats such as City of the Sun will help give your brain some lively background noise that won’t distract you so you can get your work done.

4. A playlist to help you sleep

It can be hard to fall asleep when times are tough and you’re feeling anxious. This ambient music playlist, which updates every 48 hours, is here to help you with that. There are no distracting words or beats, only silky atmospheric sounds to promote serenity. In addition to helping fight insomnia, it also makes for a tranquil meditation playlist.

5. A playlist for when you’re feeling emotional

Poet and author of The Magical Writing Grimoire: Use the Word as Your Wand for Magic, Manifestation & Ritual Lisa Marie Basile put together the ultimate Pisces playlist. Pisces are dreamy, nostalgic, and ethereal emotional water signs. Regardless of your sign, most of us are feeling like water signs these days due to an array of quarantine emotions and feels. Put on this playlist as you cook dinner or unwind in the bath. This one includes everyone from Lana Del Rey, to FKA Twigs, to the Pisces queen Rihanna.

6. A playlist for chill vibes

Content creator Eb the Celeb created a chill playlist (that’s also a little sexy!) with highly relatable tracks for this moment, such as “I Don’t Wanna Go Outside” by Zilo and “Nudes” by Jada. Sometimes, you just need to listen to some sad songs that remind you of your ex to remind you that you’re not alone. Grab a glass of wine, take a deep breath, and unwind with these mellow tunes from all different genres. Not only are these songs relaxing, but you may just find yourself wanting to unleash your emotions by belting along. Cathartic.

At first, abusers may seem like charismatic and charming people, waiting until they and their partner have hit a milestone such as moving in together before they show their true colors. Renye points out that abusers also often manipulate their partners into thinking abusive behavior is romantic. Their behavior may be a product of unchecked jealousy, “something that abusers often feel is justified and conveys a sign that they ‘really love’ their partner,” Renye says. “However, it is a form of control if the abuser cannot contain and internally deal with his or her own feelings.”

Other factors such as financial abuse, in which an abuser dictates their partner’s access to economic resources, can make it even harder for survivors to escape. What’s more, abusers may try to convince their partners that they don’t deserve better — but no one ever deserves abuse. Here are 11 abusive behaviors abusers might pretend are romantic but are in reality toxic and manipulative.

1. They frequently direct angry outbursts at you.

Passion in a relationship should mean intimacy, laughter, and warmth inside your chest from your partner’s love and your love for them. Whatever movies and TV shows would have you believe, passion should not include unpredictable outbursts. Yes, every couple is going to bicker and disagree, but conflict should be accompanied by healthy communication, not screaming or temper tantrums.

“The abusive partner can appear to be very calm, cool, and collected when others are around, but then turn into a Mr. Hyde behind closed doors,” Renye says. It’s one thing for your partner to be annoyed that you accidentally bought expired milk; it’s entirely different for them to scream at you because of it. That’s not passionate, it’s abusive.

2. They criticize the way you look or how you dress.

You get to wear and look how you want. End of story. “Criticizing a partner’s clothing or body is something that an abuser may chalk up to a form of ‘protecting’ the partner or the relationship,” Renye says. “They may say something like, ‘I don’t want you to get unwanted attention’ or ‘I don’t want anyone looking at my lady (or man) like that.'” Partners in healthy relationships will tell you when you have lipstick on your teeth, but they won’t try to cover you up.

Conversely, if you’re more comfortable dressed down or conservatively, you shouldn’t be pressured into dressing “sexy” for your partner or to impress their friends. Fashion and beauty are forms of self-expression. While it’s fine to ask your partner for their opinion about an outfit, it’s never OK for them to shame, insult, or pressure you in response.

3. Your partner insults and curses at you when they’re upset, then begs for your forgiveness later.

Your partner doesn’t have to use language that’s obviously derogatory for the things they say to you to be unacceptable. Calling a partner “pathetic,” “stupid,” or telling them to “fuck off” constitutes verbal abuse, too. Abusers often name-call and swear at their partners as part of the “explosion” phase in the cycle of abuse; after the outburst, they may try to win you over again with exaggerated gestures and pleas for your forgiveness.

They may even say they used the words they did because they love you and were just expressing intense emotions. “Oftentimes, abusers say that they are doing the abuse, which they do not consider abuse, for the ‘good of the relationship,’ or that it’s ‘romantic,'” Renye says. During the outburst part of the abuse cycle, a relationship can feel very dramatic. After the abusive partner has begged their way back to you, they may hide their manipulative and toxic tendencies for a while, but another outburst is likely to occur.

4. They text and call you constantly to check in.

It sucks when your texts go unanswered. No one wants to be blown off or ghosted. When you’re used to fuckboys who can’t be bothered to write you back, at first, constant communication can feel good. But after a while, if communication with your partner starts to feel inescapable and involves repeated requests to know where you are, what you’re doing, and who you’re with, it may have crossed a line.

“It puts the person receiving the abuse in a constant state of anxiety about what the consequence will be,” says somatic psychologist and sex therapist Holly Richmond. “They know their partner always thinks they’re doing something wrong even when they’re not.” If your partner is upset when you don’t answer their messages immediately, they may try to tell you it’s because they miss you, but missing someone shouldn’t involve guilting them into being glued to their phone.

5. They refuse to leave your personal space.

Even if they have a boombox in hand like they’re straight out of an ’80s flick, no one should refuse to leave your front yard — or bed, or apartment, or any personal space of yours — until they get what they want from you. (While we’re on the subject, there are more than a few rom-coms that portray manipulation as romantic.) If you tell someone to leave you alone and they plant their ass on your doorstep until you agree to let them in, don’t let that pass as devotion, because it’s not. “Emotional abusers do not have boundaries because they are just too insecure,” Richmond tells Allure. You know what’s truly sexy? Respecting boundaries.

6. They try to control the people you spend time with.

Even in monogamous relationships, our partners aren’t supposed to be our everything. We need friends and our own social networks, too, and in fact, tending to our social lives outside of our romantic relationships can help make those relationships stronger. Your partner shouldn’t get in the way of your friendships by constantly criticizing the people you choose to spend time with, asking you to forego social plans, or checking in incessantly when you’re with other people. “If you know in your gut that you are doing nothing wrong and your partner can’t accept that and give you autonomy, that’s not going to work,” explains Richmond. “The most successful couples have a healthy degree of autonomy.”

That’s not “I can’t live without you” romantic, that’s controlling. And honestly, in a healthy relationship, it shouldn’t be that you couldn’t live without each other — it should be that you prefer not to.

7. They use gaslighting tactics to manipulate you into doubting your experiences.

Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse in which your partner leads you to mistrust your own interpretations of reality. For instance, you may begin to realize that your partner has anger issues and try to talk to them about it. Rather than take responsibility or listen to your concerns, they say, “You’re being way too sensitive. You just don’t know what adult relationships are really like.” You leave the conversation scrutinizing what you may have gotten “wrong” rather than how your partner’s actions made you feel.

An abuser may speak to you like they know better than you and have your best interest in mind. “It may be constant or infrequent, but the bottom line is that you feel off-center and downright crazy. Many of my clients describe it as a constant questioning of their [knowledge] and an undermining of their own intuition,” Renye says of gaslighting. This is one of the reasons it’s so important to speak with trusted confidantes who can remind you that your thoughts and feelings are valid, like friends, family members, or a therapist.

8. They speak for, or over, you.

It’s hot when your partner stands up for you. It’s abusive when they speak over you or for you when out in public, as if you’re so incompetent you can’t do it on your own. Sure, when it’s date night, you may sometimes want to kick back and sip your wine while your partner places your mutually agreed-upon dinner orders. But acting as your spokesperson in a conversation when you are right there isn’t chivalrous, it’s a serious red flag.

Renye cites a scenario in which her female client’s male partner constantly talked over her client. “It became clear that he felt threatened by her power, her potency. He said he spoke over her for her own good because she ‘got overwhelmed in group settings.’ Instead of building her up, he diminished her,” Renye says. You deserve a partner who lifts up your voice, not squashes it.

9. They show physical aggression, whether or not it’s directed at you.

Hitting, choking, pushing, and all other acts of violence constitute abuse. However, punching walls or slamming a door in someone’s face can be, too. Physical expressions of anger like these that don’t involve contact with another person are often excused, and they’re seldom depicted as “abuse” in the media. “It lets you know that the person who is acting that way has no self-control. Adults don’t throw things,” says Richmond.

The extreme stress of enduring threatening acts that don’t physically hurt you is very real.

But that doesn’t make them OK. A thrown cell phone may miss your face this time but leave you with a black eye the next, and whether or not it does, the extreme stress of enduring threatening acts that don’t physically hurt you is very real. “It leaves the partner that’s being abused in this constant state of hypervigilance. How do you know that next time their hand will stop at the phone and not towards you?” Richmond tells Allure.

10. They pressure you into having sex with them.

For many people, a healthy sex life is a core component of a happy relationship. Part of that is having sex only when you want to, not because your partner is pressuring you into it. “Coercion is abuse, and no one ever has to have sex when they don’t desire it,” Renye says. It’s normal for your sex drive to ebb and flow, and that should be honored within your relationship. If your partner is deliberately withholding sex or physical intimacy from you as a means of manipulation, that could also be abusive, Renye says.

11. They shut down and withhold emotional intimacy.

“Emotional withholding is when a partner stonewalls or shuts down nonverbally as a means of exerting control or manipulation of the situation or the other person,” explains Renye. “It’s painful for both parties and extremely confusing for the one on the receiving end of this type of toxicity.” Part of being in a relationship is communicating your emotions to your partner, including when you’re upset. It’s not OK for your partner to shut down on you without explanation and leave you in the dark, wondering what the hell you did. Everyone needs space to process their thoughts and feelings from time to time, but if you notice a pattern in which you have to beg for your partner to let you in on what they’re thinking, that’s a huge problem.

What to do if you or someone you know is experiencing abuse:

Knowing how and when to safely leave an abusive relationship can be extremely difficult, especially if you’ve been isolated from resources or taught to doubt yourself. “There may be a strong desire to get away from the situation while [you are] simultaneously feeling frozen and [unable] to do anything constructive, resulting in a downward spiral of numbness, complacency, and fear,” Renye says. These feelings may be magnified if you are married, living with, or financially dependent on an abusive partner.

If you suspect you’re in an emotionally abusive relationship, talk to someone you trust outside of the relationship. No one else can decide what course of action is best for you, but “recognizing feelings and talking about them with a trusted friend, therapist, or counselor is something I highly recommend,” Renye advises. “There are hotlines open 24 hours a day where people are ready to answer the phone and talk to you. They can offer suggestions in real-time.”

The National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233 or 800-787-3224 (TTY) is one such hotline offering 24/7 confidential support. You can also check out the resources of Stop Abuse For Everyone (SAFE), which focuses on the needs of straight men, LGBTQIA+ people, teens, and elderly people who are facing domestic violence. Crisis Text Line is another free, confidential resource available 24/7: Text HOME to 741741 from anywhere in the U.S. and a trained counselor will text with you live about whatever you’re going through, referring you to further assistance if needed. Whether you use one of these services or lean on family or friends, remember: You are not alone, and help is available to you.

Some people prefer various toys, such as whips, floggers, and paddles. Each instrument delivers a different sensation. While it can be tempting to spend money on beautiful black leather BDSM accessories, for those new to the experience, it’s best to start small and use what you have at home. Your hand is the most obvious answer, but even a kitchen spatula can double as a paddle. In addition to saving money, using what you have on you familiarizes you and your partner with where to hit on the body, how hard is comfortable, and what you’re each looking for out of a scene. Are you unsure what a “scene” means? Keep reading. Allure created a glossary of common impact play terms and what they mean. After you brush up on our kinky dictionary, learn how to negotiate with your partner, where it’s safe to hit on the body, and what kink guidelines encourage for post-play etiquette. We spoke to a New York City professional dominatrix and a sex therapist to ensure you have accurate and important information, so you can explore impact play from a place of understanding and confidence.

Common Impact Play Terms and What They Mean

Aftercare: Aftercare is post-play etiquette in which all parties check in on one another to ensure the scene was enjoyable, tend to any bruises as well as emotional needs, and communicate how all parties feel.

BDSM: BDSM stands for bondage, discipline, sadism, and masochism, and is an umbrella term for any kinky play that involves a consensual power exchange.

Bondage: Bondage is when one partner (typically the submissive) is tied up by the dominant partner. Bondage is frequently part of impact play, because tying up the submissive, who then consensually can’t move, adds to the thrill of the scene.

Dom drop and sub drop: During a BDSM scene, endorphins and adrenaline run high for all partners. As a result, like a comedown from a drug, both the submissive and dominant partner may experience a comedown immediately after or even a few days later. All parties involved have a responsibility to tend to their partner during their drop.

D/S: D/S stands for dominance and submission. Typically one partner takes on the dominant, or top role. In impact play, this is the person inflicting the spanks or other forms of play. The submissive is the bottom, or the person receiving the impact on their body.

Edge play: Edge play refers to BDSM activities that push the limit of what is considered safe, sane, and consensual. This often refers to activities involving bodily fluids and blood. Single-tail whips are considered a form of edge play as they can draw blood and inflict harm if not used correctly.

Hard limits: Your hard limits are activities that are absolutely off-limits and should be communicated to your partner prior to play.

Kink: A kink refers to any sexual interest that is outside the heterosexual vanilla norm.

Pain slut: Pain sluts are people who enjoy erotic pain.

Play: Play is a word used within the kink community to refer to any erotic activity, from penetrative intercourse to impact play.

Sometimes I wake up having an orgasm if I haven’t had sex in a while. And about once a month, despite being in a happy relationship, I get it on in my dreams with my celebrity crush. Perhaps most disturbingly, as a sexual assault survivor, I too often wake up from a sexual nightmare, sweating and in need of reassurance that it was just a dream. Even though we logically understand that they’re “not real,” sexual dreams can have a profound effect on our psyche, causing us to feel arousal, guilt, or fear.

According to clinical psychologist and sleep expert Michael Breus, sex dreams are perfectly normal and even healthy. “Sexual dreams appear to start when a child is going through puberty. This is when testosterone kicks into high gear for boys and estrogen for girls and the attraction to a sexual partner begin to occur,” Breus tells Allure.

While Breus says most people have fewer sexual dreams after puberty, they don’t end there. In fact, somatic psychologist and sex therapist Holly Richmond says that 80 percent of her clients talk to her about their sex dreams. To better understand why we have sex dreams, the different types, and what they mean, Allure spoke with several experts to break it down. Spoiler alert: The brain loves to dream about the forbidden.

Sex Dreams About Your Boss

Often we have sex dreams about those who are off-limits, such as our boss or a coworker. These dreams are very common, says Richmond, but rather than indicating that you’re actually lusting after your boss, the dream is likely about office power dynamics. “There’s a relationship dynamic in which you need to control more, and it’s getting played out sexually. There’s so rarely a real sexual component to this. If you feel yucky when you wake up, trust that. You don’t want to have sex with this person, and there’s some other dynamic,” Richmond says.

So don’t be embarrassed — office-related sex dreams are quite normal. Additionally, don’t waste time wondering if you should sleep with your boss when the answer is clearly no. However, do take the time to assess how you feel at work. Do you feel stifled? Perhaps you want more freedom, trust, and control? Get organized and suggest a meeting to discuss ways to achieve this (and don’t bring up the sex dream).

Sex Dreams About Someone You Hate

Why would our mind waste our precious sleep by having sex with someone we don’t even like? Well, let’s think about actual “hate fucking.” What comes to mind? You probably think of hot sex with someone you don’t like or are mad at, and during sex, you get to expend that energy sexually. Richmond says that like with our bosses, when we have sex dreams about someone we dislike, it’s likely much more about power dynamics rather than actual sex. “Dreams can communicate a lot — it’s just not always a direct connection,” Richmond says.

Sex Dreams About a Celebrity

Sex dreams about celebrities are very common, according to the experts. So what do they mean? Well, the answer here is pretty simple: They likely mean that we are attracted to that celebrity. “These can range from crushes to sexual prowess and agency and feeling like we can get someone who is out of reach. Those are really common, too, and they’re usually an ego boost,” Richmond says. So what should we do about them? Have fun with them; it’s unlikely you’ll ever bang this celebrity in real life (sorry). And no, having sex with a celebrity in your dreams does not count as cheating.

Sometimes sex dreams can feel so real it’s like we really did cheat on our partner. “Another iteration of dreams is fantasy. What we fantasize about is not really what we want to do. There’s probably more context around it,” says Richmond. “Are you fantasizing about that sexual freedom? Or is there something in your life that’s missing? I don’t think you want to leave your partner.” So while you may be craving sex with your middle-school punk idol, ask yourself if you are actually interested in seeking them out or if you’d rather explore ways to try new things in bed with your partner to tap into that part of yourself.

Sex Dreams About an Ex

Sex dreams that involve exes are one of the most complicated to wake up from. Unlike celebrity sex dreams, exes are people we usually have a very complicated history with, and as a result, complicated feelings. It’s these unresolved emotions that give us ex sex dreams. Ex-sex dreams don’t directly translate to wanting to have sex with our ex, but we do usually dream about an ex about whom we have unresolved emotions. “There is some relational dynamic that needs to be worked out. What were you trying to communicate through sex? Do you want a new understanding? Did you want to take your power back? There’s usually unfinished business, and it’s not sexual,” Richmond says.

Unfortunately, as many of us have learned the hard way, contacting an ex for closure rarely works out as seamlessly as we’d like, with perfect apologies and an easy transition to friendship. Use your head, consult your friends and therapist (if you have one), and then decide if these nagging dreams mean you should contact your ex to work out lingering resentment. Please also remember why you broke up, and that the real way closure works is by you realizing your power and that you are OK without this person, rather than anything they have to say. If it’s best that you don’t contact your ex, know that the dreams will subside with time.

Sex Dreams About a Platonic Friend

Apparently, sex dreams run on the forbidden. Michael Friedman, a sleep specialist and otolaryngologist, says this is why we are more likely to have sex dreams about exes, bosses, celebrities, and even platonic friends than the person we are actually sleeping with. You may be attracted to this friend, or perhaps the sex dream is simply happening because this is someone you can’t have sex with. Either way, don’t worry about being a perv or about cheating if you’re in a committed relationship. “It’s very normal, and it’s just human nature. It doesn’t imply anything wrong or a conscious desire to be unfaithful; it’s just part of being human,” Friedman says. “Subconsciously there may be some thoughts, but I would consider it very normal and common.”

If you’re in a relationship, don’t assume it means it’s time to end things. “There has been an unfounded interpretation of a sexual dream outside of a person’s committed relationship. In that if you dream about being intimate with someone other than your partner, it ‘means’ that you want to be with someone else. There is absolutely no evidence that this is true,” says Breus. And no, you don’t have to tell your friend about the kinky sex you’re having while you’re dreaming.

Embarrassing Sex Dreams

Other times, we have dreams that feel like a sexual version of being back at school, except instead of forgetting your homework, you are totally naked and everyone is laughing at you. Richmond says two examples are people waking up from a dream in which they engaged in sexual activities that they never would want to in real life, such as a gang bang or bukkake.

While for some people, such sexual fantasies are totally normal (and others engage in them consensually), with this type of dream, the one doing the dreaming does not have any desire to engage in such scenarios. When they wake up, they are absolutely horrified.

If you’re having sex dreams that leave you feeling shameful or embarrassed, just remind yourself that it was only a dream.

“There very much is a shame piece to such dreams,” explains Richmond. “If you choose to be gang-banged or engage in bukkake, that’s fine, but these are not the people who would want that.” So these are not sex dreams that you wake up turned on from, but sex dreams that leave you feeling embarrassed and humiliated. When clients come to her with tales of such dreams, Richmond says, “I just completely normalize, normalize, normalize.”

“It’s such a common experience to wake up from a dream, and you do feel guilty because you’re like, ‘Oh shit, that was so real, what did I just do?'” she adds. “But nothing happened; it’s an expression of our imagination.” Our imaginations can think up a slew of scenarios, so if you’re having sex dreams that leave you feeling shameful or embarrassed, just remind yourself that it was only a dream.

Sex Dreams About a Gender You’re Not Attracted to

Richmond says her office is filled with clients who have sex dreams involving a gender they aren’t normally attracted to. She says it’s mostly straight women who have dreams about lesbian sex, even if they don’t actually want to be with a woman in real life. “There can be a sensual component to it. I tell them to add some more sensuality to your life, slow things down, have sex without having intercourse.”

Many people enjoy porn with genders they don’t date, and it’s OK to be turned on by sexual acts or sexualities that don’t match up exactly with your existing sex life. However, if you are unfulfilled, as Richmond suggests, assess what about the fantasy turns you on and then find ways to integrate it into your relationship.

Sex Dreams About Your Partner

Yes, some people actually have sex dreams about the person they are with, rather than a celebrity or the one who got away. However, Friedman says that as many sex dreams contain a forbidden aspect, dreams about your partner usually take place early in the relationship or in situations in which you are separated. “Sex dreams are more common when the relationship is not as readily available,” Friedman says. “They are definitely more common early in the relationship or when the relationship is not readily available than for couples who have been together for longer periods of time.” What should you do if you’re experiencing sex dreams about your partner? Well, enjoy them, of course.

Sex Dreams in New Places

A public bathroom, your childhood home, a sex party: Sometimes sex dreams take place in locations we don’t normally go to get it on. As we’ve established, sex dreams thrive on the forbidden. “There’s usually an element of freedom, of wanting, of longing for whatever the situation is,” explains Richmond.

Is there a kink you want to try but haven’t yet explored, such as exhibitionism and having people watch, or getting it on somewhere you risk getting caught? Use these sexual fantasy dreams to gauge what you want and then apply it to your sex life in a manner that’s comfortable for you. Richmond suggests starting small. For instance, if you’re dreaming about a sex party, find a kink demo or sexy dance night to attend before you dive into the sex-party scene. While dreams don’t always translate literally, they can help us understand our desires.

PTSD Dreams

First, let’s make something abundantly clear: Sexual assault is not sex, and including PTSD dreams in this article is in no way meant to suggest such. However, considering that one in every six women has been the survivor of a completed or attempted sexual assault, and PTSD dreams stemming from a sexual assault are common, we asked the experts about them.

“PTSD is an entirely different animal altogether,” says Breus. If you have a dream stemming from a sexual assault, perhaps “nightmare” is the better word. It’s important to understand that you aren’t alone. Richmond says she has clients who have PTSD dreams frequently right after the assault occurred, and others who still have them every now and then even if the assault took place years ago. “It’s the body processing something,” says Richmond. “Typically there is a little bit of difference in the dream, or the dream doesn’t get far enough to its conclusion. It will be ‘I was about to be raped by my perpetrator, and then I woke up,'” she says.

If you are experiencing PTSD dreams, you can call the RAINN hotline, and someone will talk to you or refer you to a therapist. You can also call your insurance company to find an in-network therapist, or do a quick Google search to see who is available in your area. “I remind them that at some point they got away. They’ve changed, they’re a survivor, and what happened to them is not their fault,” says Richmond.

Orgasmic Sex Dreams

Let’s talk about the most infamous sex dream: the wet dream. Breus says these begin in puberty. “Within sexual dreams are ‘wet’ dreams, also called nocturnal emissions,” he says. “These dreams involve ejaculation during sleep, usually accompanied by a sexual dream. Wet dreams happen to boys during puberty — and some girls — when testosterone starts to be produced in the body. Not all boys have wet dreams, but many do, and they are a normal part of healthy development.”

Wet dreams don’t stop at puberty, and as the doctor said, they don’t just happen to people with penises. People with vaginas may wake up in the middle of the night having an orgasm. Hormones may play a role, depending on where you are in your cycle, and Richmond says pregnancy can also induce them. “I had those so much when I was pregnant, it’s crazy. I was coming in my sleep,” she says.

While people with penises can experience nocturnal emission without a sexual dream attached, for those with vaginas, Richmond says there usually is an active dream involved. “Men have wet dreams, but sometimes they just have a nocturnal ejaculation without even having a dream. Women, from what I’ve heard, there’s almost always a narrative,” she adds. What should you do if you wake up orgasming? Well, why not just enjoy it?

Dreams That Your Partner Cheated

Eek, a dream in which your partner cheated is not a pleasant experience, no matter how many times you tell yourself it was just a dream. But is your subconscious trying to tell you something? Yes, but don’t panic just yet. “It definitely does not mean that your partner is cheating, but it does mean you should talk,” Richmond says. “I want people to trust their gut, but sometimes we overthink it.”

Cheating dreams can indicate that you’re worried, or that you’re not entirely comfortable, but that could mean a number of things that manifest as cheating while you sleep. Richmond suggests having an open and honest conversation with your partner in which you tell them about your dreams, and that you know it may not be a literal translation, but that you are feeling anxious and want to check in to see how they’re doing and how you both feel about the relationship.

“Anxious dreams are much more common than positive dreams. If anxiety creates a dream, and it’s not the dream that’s real, would I recommend to talk about it? Yeah. Discussing it is the best way to deal with it,” agrees Friedman.

Sex Dreams That Lead to Sleep Sex

Have you ever woken up in the middle of the night to find your partner initiating sex, only to not remember doing so in the morning? Or have you been the sleep-sex initiator? Friedman says that these sex dreams mean someone is in R.E.M. sleep. In some cases, this indicates a R.E.M.-stage sleep disorder. “There are situations where people act out their dreams, which is not normal. People sleep-walk, sleep-talk, and other sleep activities while they’re sleeping. They are acting out a dream yet totally unaware of it. That is a R.E.M-state sleep disorder. All kinds of things can happen,” he says.

Depending on your unique situation, you may assume your partner is awake and welcome the sex. If you’re uninterested, the R.E.M. come-on may be upsetting and open complicated questions about consent between you and your partner. If you or someone you know is experiencing this, seek out a sleep specialist.

If you’re a survivor of sexual assault and looking for resources, you can call RAINN at (800) 656-HOPE (4673). You’ll be connected with a trained staff member from a local sexual-assault service provider and given access to a wide range of free services. You’re not alone.

By Sophie Saint Thomas

When I first saw that a $9 sex toy was on Amazon’s best seller list, I admit I was skeptical. The Original Butterfly Kiss Vibrator from CalExotics reminded me of the first toy I ever bought back in high school when my friends and I snuck giggling into our local adult store. At first, I arrogantly thought that the quality of my sex life had upgraded significantly since high school and that my sex toys should reflect that change. I simply wasn’t convinced that a $9 G-Spot vibrator with a butterfly on it could get me off with the same power as something like an elegantly designed $95 vibrator.

However, other reviewers were fully on board. “This little guy is great. Gets the job done,” says Amazon customer Emily, one of 1,500 users who rated the toy a full five stars. So, I set off to test it for myself, and I was a bit surprised by what happened when I did.

How does the Original Butterfly Kiss Vibrator work?

The toy may indeed invoke sex toy memories from a decade or so ago: it doesn’t charge with a USB cord, and there’s no app component. You have to go to the pharmacy and buy a pack of triple-A batteries to get started, just like you did when the original Sabrina the Teenage Witch was your favorite show. After inserting the batteries (and trying multiple times to put them in the right way), I found that with a push of a button at the base, the toy offers three different vibration speeds.

Is this vibrator safe to use long-term?

The reason I’m hesitant about inexpensive sex toys isn’t that I feel a need to masturbate solely with name-brand vibrators that come with a high price tag, but because of the material they’re often made from. Experts tend to agree that when it comes to sex toys or anything you’re putting inside of your body, you should stick with something made out of a safe, non-porous material, such as medical grade silicone or glass.

The Original Butterfly Kiss Vibrator is advertised as being made with “body-safe TPR silicone.” However, it may not truly be body-safe. “TPR, while in theory non-toxic, has a number of issues,” says Kenton Johnston, sex toy expert at FunKit Toys. First and foremost, it isn’t a single material, but a category of many materials. It stands for thermoplastic elastomer, which just refers to any plastic blend that’s rubbery. So you don’t necessarily know what you’re getting — what you do know is that it’s porous and can harbor microbes, including mold and pathogens,” he says.

That means that you can’t sanitize it as properly as you can a toy made with medical-grade silicone, glass, or steel. Why does that matter? Because according to Dangerous Lilly, porous sex toys make a great home for fungus and bacteria over time — and that’s the last thing you want to insert into your body. Using toys made with porous ingredients, which therefore can’t be properly sanitized, can lead to yeast infections, bacterial vaginosis, and transmission of STIs if used by more than one person, Johnson says.

Will using it for a bit cause you any serious bodily harm? It’s unlikely. However, think of Original Butterfly Kiss Vibrator more like a fling than a long-term relationship. Do you want a life-long partnership with this sex toy? No. Can you have fun with it during cuffing season then toss it out and invest in something higher-quality after the new year? That’s ultimately your decision, but people certainly make more dangerous decisions with their body every day than using an Amazon vibrator that may not be body-safe.

So did it get me off as easily as pricier vibrators?

Honestly, even though I was skeptical, it felt really good and made me come just as nicely as sex toys ten times the price. The butterfly shape wrapped surprisingly well around my clit, and the shorter internal bulb-shaped portion perfectly hit my G-Spot (of course, I’m speaking for myself and all anatomy is different).

Is it worth the $9 Amazon click of a button if you’re looking for a cheap and easy sex toy? Absolutely. But I admit, I did worry a bit about possible health ramifications, which isn’t exactly conducive to a relaxing masturbation session.

What are some better body-safe options?

“To be as safe as possible when choosing a sex toy, look for ones made of hard plastic, pure silicone, stainless steel, glass, ceramic, or aluminum, which are all non-porous, free of phthalates, and easy to clean,” says somatic psychologist and sex therapist Holly Richmond. The Ina 2 by Lelo is a wonderful rabbit-style vibrator made with non-porous silicone, but it will cost you $189.

If you’re willing to step outside the world of rabbit vibrators and just want something to get you off without breaking the bank (or your vagina due to a bacterial infection), opt for a bullet vibe. For people with clitorises, the Iroha Mini Vibe by Tenga is body-safe and highly orgasmic. It costs $30, so just $20 more than the Butterfly Kiss, but it’s twenty bucks worth of worry-free fun.

By Sophie Saint Thomas

Even the most compatible partners can have wildly different sexual preferences. In any sexual relationship, you’re bound to be turned on by different things. That’s why it’s best to be kind about it when your partner tells you something they want to try in bed, even if it’s not for you. Wouldn’t you want them to treat you with kindness if you worked up the courage to admit you have, say, a gang bang fantasy, rather than respond in horror? However, kink-shaming, which literally means the shaming of another person for their sexual fantasies, may happen occasionally.

Being kink-shamed never feels good. For instance, once I asked a former partner if he would go to a sex party with me. Rather than politely declining or describing his reservations, he called me derogatory names, then shouted, “Go suck a bunch of dicks.” It felt awful, and even if you’re shamed in a less intentional way, it still can hurt. That’s why it’s important to learn how to avoid it, as well as how to get through it when it happens to you. Keep reading to learn exactly how to disclose what you’re into, what to do if someone kink-shames you, and how to avoid accidentally doing it to your partner.

Disclosing Your Fantasies, Fetishes, and Kinks

Let’s talk about what often leads to kink-shaming: the intimidating process of talking about what turns us on. Every relationship has a different dynamic. For some couples, sexual fantasies are best shared as part of dirty talk during sex. Others may feel more comfortable bringing up the topic during more neutral times when sex isn’t actually on the table.

“Create a safe space in which you’re not in overwhelmed work mode, face each other, and have eye contact,” says somatic psychologist and certified sex therapist Holly Richmond. “Let them know that this might be hard for you or you’ve been waiting for the right moment,” Richmond says. So, rather than blurting out, “I want to try double penetration,” at Thanksgiving dinner, wait for the right moment when you’re alone with your partner.

Remember that it’s also usually easier to share something with others once you’ve become okay with it yourself, so if this is a kink you carry unneeded shame over, it might be good to work through that shame with a sex therapist or in your own individual time before talking it over with a partner. Further, it’s important to remember that as long as your fantasy is between two consenting adults, it’s likely totally normal. Seriously, we’re all pervs.

When to Move Forward and When to Move On

If you disclose that you’re curious about a threesome, for example, and your partner responds unfavorably, there are plenty of ways to take the conversation. Though some people are just assholes and you might want to take this as a sign you should move on, you may be in an otherwise loving relationship and your partner might just be slightly thrown off by your disclosure.

If this is the case, sex therapist David Ortmann stresses first and foremost not to take it personally. Sometimes, intentionally or not, partners will project their own sexual insecurities onto us. “Realize that it’s probably not about you and you shouldn’t take it on as something personal, as hard as that is to do. Get to a friend or a professional that understands and validates your sexuality,” he advises.

Some relationships are kink-incompatible, which means that partners may be turned on by different things, and that can sometimes be worked around (more on this later). Other times, you may need to move on. For example, I now understand that the former partner who shamed me for the aforementioned sex party invitation was disinterested in public sex mostly due to insecurities, which is perfectly fine. However, he should have discussed this with me, rather than just making me feel like a bad slut.

It’s also possible that perhaps your partner may just need some time to absorb what you’ve told them. Maybe the idea of a threesome (or whatever your kink may be) is new and scary to them, and like the flawed humans we all are, they reacted poorly at the moment. As long as they’re willing, be open to letting your partner take some time to think about and research your fantasy before making a judgment call. And just because they may not want a threesome now, it doesn’t mean that they might change their mind down the road later. Perhaps group sex is a hard limit for them, or perhaps in a year or so they’ll be open to it. All you can do is be kind to one another and keep the lines of communication open.

Avoiding It Altogether

Let’s reverse roles. You’re snuggling against your partner, about to fall asleep, and all of a sudden they tell you that they are just dying to go to a sex party, but the thought of sex in front of others terrifies you. “What?” you gasp. “I can’t believe you’d be into that,” you blurt out, half-asleep. Whoopsies. To start, such a scenario is a reminder that there is a time and place for revealing kinks — and it’s not when one of you is half asleep.

Treat them as you’d like to be treated and think about how to answer in a way that’s both kind and honest. If you know yourself well enough to know that you can’t handle a sex party due to your social anxiety, be honest about your boundaries without making your partner feel bad about opening up to you. “The kindest and simplest way to say it is, ‘I’m really happy that you are able to do this but it’s probably not something I’m interested in. But that doesn’t mean our relationship is over, that doesn’t mean I think you’re disgusting,'” Ortmann says.

Can Kink-Incompatible Relationships Actually Be Compatible?

Relationships worthy of poetry have overcome more than a little kink incompatibility, and sometimes you might be turned on by different things for totally different reasons. Once, I suggested a BDSM act such a choking to a partner, who then shared they were not comfortable with that due to past trauma. I said that I totally respected that boundary and was happy to continue seeing them while respecting their limits — in fact, the conversation even brought us closer.

Yes, if your crush can only get off to people who are 30 years older than them and you’re only two years their senior, it’s probably best to just stay friends. But if you are an overall good match, there are many ways to work through a difference in what one considers a sexual adventure.

To start, plenty of fantasies can be explored on a smaller scale. For instance, if you’re turned on by gang bangs but your partner isn’t, try compromising by watching gang bang porn or exploring double penetration with sex toys. Additionally, some find forms of open relationships an option in which all parties get to fulfill their kinks while staying together. As long as there is a solid foundation of trust and a willingness to communicate and explore, your relationship can handle more than, say, a tentacle porn fantasy that sort of weirds one of you out. You’ve got this.

By Maria Kari

This is an op-ed by Allure contributor Maria Kari. It contains descriptions of sexual violence and trauma, and some may find it triggering.

When I was 20 years old, I went to a party where an acquaintance insisted on making me a virgin cocktail. Because I didn’t drink, I didn’t think twice about letting a near-stranger pour me juice with his back turned to me. Of the rest of that night, I remember only bits and pieces: locking myself inside a bathroom feeling terrified for my life, while he banged on the door until someone came by and told him to leave me alone.

In the years since, I have worked hard to avoid even the fuzzy memories I have of that night. Some may find my active denial to be a troubling coping mechanism but frankly, it’s because I’ve chosen to look the other way that I was able to find the strength to keep trusting men and move forward with my life.

But in the wake of Christine Blasey Ford’s brave testimony before the Senate Judicial Committee last week, something inside me has come undone. Right now, though half of me is energized, the other half is absolutely exhausted. While I am inspired by Ford’s ability to come forward in such a public way, I am infuriated by the reckless and crass way much of the media has chosen to cover the Ford-Kavanaugh story; a way that has been incredibly retriggering for survivors of any sort of sexual violence. In fact, the day of the judicial committee hearing, calls to RAINN’S National Sexual Assault hotline spiked by 201 percent.

Turns out, feeling retriggered in this way is actually totally normal.

“Hearing another woman share intimate details of her sexual assault can be very triggering for survivors of trauma,” explains Juli Fraga, a San Francisco-based psychologist specializing in women’s health and wellness. “Watching media coverage can cause old memories to resurface, which in turn causes upsetting emotions to arise.”

In a similar vein, somatic psychologist and sex therapist Holly Richmond tells me that since Ford’s testimony, many of her current and past clients have contacted her because they’ve felt retriggered. In fact, one of Richmond’s client’s from fifteen years ago was able to recall additional details of her rape that took place nearly two decades ago. Another client has described her days since the hearing as a “knife in her gut.”

After hearing this, I did a quick Google search of the past few days of op-eds and news coverage. A knife in the gut sounds just about right, with headlines from across the political spectrum screaming things like “Christine Blasey Ford Brought No Evidence but Plenty of Contradictions,” and “The Sexual Assault Survivors That Believe Brett Kavanaugh.” Many websites (which I won’t link to so as not to give them more traffic) have chosen to post Kavanaugh’s image next to Ford’s, tabloid-style, as if it’s a battle of who’s right and who’s wrong. Most disheartening of all is how almost all the coverage is positioning Ford as a victim rather than as a survivor. It is this type of combative, divisive, nonstop commentary that threatens to derail those of us who have worked so hard to move past our experiences of sexual violence.

For me, the raw moment when we got to see Ford finally take back the proverbial microphone and tell her story on her own terms was a moment that signalled a nationwide paradigm shift. But the over-the-top, damaging deluge of network rehashings, absurdist alt-right social media commentary, and, the not-so-presidential tweets from the President himself have brought rushing back my experience of having so narrowly escaped my own aggressor so many years ago.

“When the #MeToo movement happened, it was coming up during every therapy session,” says Richmond. She adds, “but I can’t tell you how retriggering the past few days have been for my clients.”

None of this is to say that there isn’t any utility in having the media address sexual violence. Because when it comes down to it, sexual violence is a pandemic that permeates the lives of women across nearly every square inch of this globe, and talking may be the only way to soothe our collective anxiety. And with Ford’s testimony, which has struck a psyche-deep chord for so many, the time for America to acknowledge the weight of sexual violence is now.

But the conversation needs to be nuanced and to put survivors first, rather than place a focus on getting the most eyes on a story. Because the thing is, triggers are strange beasts. They can come from the most unexpected of places, and they can come at you quickly.

For me, remembering my narrow escape that night means I’m suddenly flooded with panic and I can be trapped in that moment for a while. For you, and all other survivors, it may feel very different. After all, each one of us has a complex inner world, which is informed by the experiences and encounters we have in our lives.

Whatever it may feel like for you, until the time the politicians, lawmakers, and the media — the supposed guardians and gatekeepers of our society — finally get it right, I invite you to join me and to take a step back from it all. Here are a few bits of sage wisdom from Richmond and Fraga, for those times you need a moment of self-care:

1. Limit exposure to news and social media.
2. Engage in a grounding exercise: Identify four things you can see. Three things or sounds you can hear in your environment. Two things you can touch. One thing you can smell. This is a great way to ground yourself, to know that you are safe in the present, and, to embrace the fact that while there have been times in the past you may not have been safe, that time is not right now. You are safe right now.
3. Bring to mind Richmond’s favorite mantra: “That was then, this is now.” This mantra will help you realize that although cultural discourse can trigger what has happened to us, you are now in a place of healing and power. You have dealt with it to the level that you can today, and while you could do more, maybe that’s for another day.
4. If you’re sitting, standing up and getting moving. Sitting can keep us in a state of hyperarousal. Get up and move, dance to your favorite song. Even the simple act of rocking can discharge that hard energy.
5. Connect with others. Please don’t feel like you have to do this on your own. Meet and spend time with people who make you feel safe. You don’t need to talk about it, but you do need to connect.
6. Speak about it with a trusted friend or find a mental health professional or support group.
7. Meditate or pick up a mindfulness practice to help lessen the more acute symptoms of your anxiety.

If you’ve been triggered by recent coverage or events, you can call RAINN at (800) 656-HOPE (4673). You’ll be connected with a trained staff member from a local sexual assault service provider and given access to a wide range of free services. You’re not alone.