By Allie Volpe

While sexual health is undoubtedly part of general health, unfortunately, not many people are encouraged to seek out health care professionals. And, even more unfortunately, most health care providers aren’t trained in sexual health. (Fun fact: My sex educator training was 60 hours. Doctors get, on average, between three and 10 hours.) So hats off to you for actively seeking out professionals who can help with your sex life.

Three specialists can really help you improve your sexual satisfaction: a gynecologist, a pelvic health specialist, and a sex therapist or coach.

A gynecologist can help you figure out if you have any health issues— like a sexually transmitted infection, bacterial infection, urinary tract infection, endometriosis, or even an ovarian cyst, for example — that could be interfering with your enjoyment of sex. Dr. Arumala, OB/GYN and Ph.D. Feminine Health Advisor, recommends seeking out a gynecologist who specifically advertises that they help with sexual dysfunction because they’ll be “an engaged provider who most likely has extensive additional training and/or experience.”

Dr. Arumala also strongly recommends being open with your gynecologist because they can help you determine where the root cause of your issues may be — and refer to a specialist to help solve those issues.

If your issues seem to be physical, your gynecologist might recommend a pelvic health specialist, a health care professional who helps you with the muscles in your pelvic floor. Rachel Gelman, PT, DPT, tells Bustle that “most people have overactive or stiff pelvic floor muscles and need to learn how to relax these muscles.”

“The pelvic floor muscles play a role in sexual function,” Gelman says. “These muscles contract and relax during orgasm, so making sure these muscles have an optimal range of motion and that a person has good control over these muscles is important for an orgasm to happen. People often focus on contracting and strengthening and don’t think about relaxing. “

Gelman also says that people with pelvic floor dysfunction sometimes experience clitoral pain when orgasming because pelvic floor muscles cover the internal clitoris. Gelman says that working the tension out of those muscle groups can lead to reduced pain, better sex, and better orgasms.

Finally, you might want to consider reaching out to a sex therapist. Dr. Holly Richmond, Ph.D., tells Bustle that sex therapists help bridge any disconnections a person might have between their minds and bodies.

“All sex therapists are trained as licensed psychotherapists, so there is often a deep dive into the past to unearth any sexual stumbling blocks,” Dr. Richmond says. “Then, in the present, the sex therapist will offer practical steps to address the problem. If someone is having problems orgasming, it would mean looking into when and how this is presents (it’s always been this way, it’s recently started, it only happens alone, only with partners, etc.) in conjunction with hands-on homework, quite literally.”

In other words, the doctor will help figure out the root of the problem and then give you steps to solve it. Dr. Richmond recommends checking out the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists (AASECT) for a licensed sex therapist near you.

Our sexual selves are really our whole selves: physical, mental, and — for some — spiritual. So when you’re faced with an issue in your sex life, it’s worth it to figure out which is affecting you most. Start with a gynecologist, and then branch out from there. And, remember, no matter how frustrating it might get — there is a solution out there.

Experts:

Dr. Arumala, OB/GYN and pH-D Feminine Health Advisor

Rachel Gelman, PT, DPT

Dr. Holly Richmond, Ph.D.

The term “digisexuality” was first used in a 2017 paper in the Journal of Sexual and Relationship Therapy titled “The rise of digisexuality: therapeutic challenges and possibilities.” The researchers, Neil McArthur and Markie L.C. Twist, described what they saw as a sexual expression of the near future: “people whose primary sexual identity comes through the use of technology.” They believe that “the sex bots are coming” and that it’s essential for therapists to understand digisexuality in order to best serve digisexuals in the future.

But it might not just be a future thing. For some people, digisexuality is already a lived reality. Dr. Holly Richmond, PhD, is a somatic psychologist, certified sex therapist (CST), and licensed marriage and family therapist (LMFT) who has clients who identify as digisexual, defines it as “someone who has a strong preference for or feels most comfortable with expressing themselves sexually through or with a piece of technology.”

In some cases, her digisexual clients’ only sexual interaction is with digital entities like internet porn and responsive sex toys. But, in other cases, they’re having sexual experiences with other humans that are mediated by technology. (An example might be a couple that primarily has sex via video chat and teledildonic sex toys, or someone whose preferred kind of sexual contact is sexting.)

Some of those people, she tells Bustle, are distressed by the fact that they aren’t connecting with other humans — and she works with those clients toward building the social skills they’re lacking. But others aren’t distressed by the idea of sexuality that’s wholly mediated by technology at all — and they come to her for advice on how to enhance their sex lives with more or different technologies.

In Dr. Richmond’s experience, a prototypical digisexual is a male in his late 20s to early 30s, who may have grown up playing video games, sometimes with friends, but also often alone. They’re probably shy, introverted, and have a high degree of social anxiety. Maybe they made it through high school without a date or without kissing someone and, as an adult, have a hard time dating because they haven’t “flexed their social muscles,” Dr. Richmond says. (While Dr. Richmond acknowledges that there likely are female digisexuals, she hasn’t yet encountered any in her practice.)

For some, the image of the introverted straight guy in the basement playing video games conjures up thoughts of incels (or “involuntary celibates” — men who are angry about the fact that they’re not having sex and who usually direct that anger in misogynistic ways). Dr. Richmond says that there’s an important distinction between the two groups. While incels are extremely upset by the fact that they’re not having sex with other humans, digisexuals aren’t. They’re perfectly happy with their sexual preferences and might just want tips on improving their sex lives, like any other client of a sex therapist. And, as a sex positive therapist, Dr. Richmond is happy to help, even though the idea of digisexuality makes a lot of people uncomfortable.

“All sex is good sex, as long as it’s consensual and pleasurable. And digisexuality 100% checks that box,” Dr. Richmond says. “People are just uncomfortable with [digisexuality] because it’s new. But if it’s consensual and pleasurable, it’s really not our place to judge it.”

Dr. Richmond also points out that virtually everyone has “some level of tech involved in their intimate life at this point” but that most people still get the “most profound connection and satisfaction” from actually being with other people in person. And while technology might be part of most people’s sex lives, “many of us can easily go between being with someone in real life and using our vibrator,” Dr. Richmond says.

Polly Rodriguez, CEO of the sexual lifestyle company Unbound, says she loves many of the ways new technologies have changed our sex lives — she makes and sells some of those technologies herself. But her experience in the tech world has led her to be wary of some major elements of tech. When it comes to the artificial intelligence (AI) that could be a theoretical future romantic or sexual partner for a digisexual (think: Spike Jonze’s Her), she has one question: Who’s writing the algorithms?

Rodriguez points to policies on social media platforms that many believe discriminate against sexual minorities and women as an example of how algorithms written only by straight, white men can end up being discriminatory. In the future, that same bias could result in LGBTQ experiences being left out of the algorithms that are programmed for AI romantic partners, or could result in sex robots only being developed for heterosexual consumers.

Rodriguez also gets frustrated when all people want to talk about when it comes to digisexuality is sex robots. Shows like Westworld and Humans present a not-too-distant future in which humans have fully involved sexual and romantic lives with robots — and in which robots often become sentient. But in 2019, Rodriguez says, we’re nowhere near that reality.

“The thing about sex robots is there’s so much hype around them, but the reality is they cost between six and fifteen grand; they weigh 75 pounds; you have to rub them down with cornstarch before you use them; and you have to store them on a meat hook,” Rodriguez tells Bustle. “So when I look at the reality of how they exist today, it’s hard for me to imagine that in 30 or 40 years, we’ll have autonomous, thoughtful sex robots.”

Then again, the first iPhone was released in June 2007. Before that date, not many people could have guessed how deeply integrated into our sexuality smartphones would become. Streaming porn, always at our fingertips. Sexting. The explosion in popularity of dating apps. A complete revolution of sex work. All of that has happened in the past 12 years. Technology has not only changed the ways we interact sexually, but has actually become an integral part of our sex and dating lives.

So when we think about the future of digisexuality, it’s important to remember our very recent history. Our dating, sexual, and relationship habits have changed more profoundly in the past decade than they did in the previous 50 years. Can we really picture where we’ll be in 30 years? Doubtful. What we can say with some certainty, however, is that technology is going to play an increasingly prominent role in all of our sex lives, digisexual or no. It’s up to each of us to decide how far we want to take it.

“When you exercise you get your endorphins going and serotonin is released,” fitness instructor and personal trainer Autumn Oftedal tells Bustle. “These two factors combined make you feel good and when you feel good you desire things that you enjoy — like sex. Also, working out is great for your stamina. Stamina is a really important part of a healthy sex life because you can go the distance and in doing so, [it] creates the opportunity for more orgasms. It’s also a great way to tackle sexual dysfunction in both women and men.”

While you may not be the exercising type — because some of us just aren’t — if you’re looking to see positive effects on your sex life, it might be worth considering adding another yoga pose into your routine. You might even say sex itself is considered an exercise, though it isn’t going to have the same effect as a dedicated workout with some cardio.

Here are eight ways your exercise routine can affect your sex life.

1. Your Self-Esteem Skyrockets

If you’ve ever worked out, whether or not you enjoyed it in the moment, there’s a good chance that afterward you felt pretty damn good. It’s because of all those endorphins that are, basically, making you feel like you can take on the world.

“Physical activity isn’t only tied to body image in terms of the effect it can have on your body composition,” Dr. Jess O’Reilly, host of the SexWithDrJess Podcast, tells Bustle. “More importantly, exercise releases feel-good endorphins and research suggests that even short-term exercise can change the way you feel about your appearance.”

According to research by the American Psychological Association, the positive impact that exercise has on the brain can practically rewire it to see things in a different light.

“This shift in attitude occurred regardless of the fact that neither their weight or shape had changed over the course of the study,” Dr. O’Reilly says. “The bottom line: exercise changes the way you feel about your body and when you feel connected to your body, you may be better primed to enjoy sex — in terms of both desire and embracing the fact that you deserve pleasure.”

2. Vaginal Orgasms Become More Possible

Oh, the elusive vaginal orgasm! Some people have them, some people don’t, and some refuse to believe they exist. But, as someone who has experienced a vaginal orgasm ONCE I can attest to the fact that they are real. Albeit difficult to have — at least for those of us who mostly rely on clitoral stimulation to orgasm. It can take a looong time to reach the point where a vaginal orgasm is in sight — and cardio can help. “The deeper vaginal orgasms take sustained penetration, even up to 45 minutes in the case of cervical orgasms — the queen of all female orgasms,” holistic sex and relationship expert Kim Anami tells Bustle. ‘The longer you go, the deeper the reward.”

3. It Awakens Your Body

When we exercise, our blood gets pumping, circulating it throughout our entire bodies, including our genitals. This blood flow and circulation can be improved by exercise like cardio a few times a week or by practices such as yoga.

“Yoga is an excellent practice to increase flexibility [and] become aware of your breath,” Anami says. “[Yoga] has be scientifically studied to improve libido. Open hips equals and open heart!”

4. Endurance Is Increased

As Oftedal points out, the combination of endorphins, serotonin, and a stronger body contribute to increased stamina, which is just another word for endurance. Endurance isn’t just good for the body, but good for the brain.

“Endurance is important in bed because it gives us a sense of control and feeling of empowerment,” psychologist and sex therapist Dr. Holly Richmond tells Bustle. “We are able to meet our partner’s sexual needs, and feel sexually and erotically fulfilled ourselves. It lets us know for certain that we are a good lover. If two people’s sexual endurance is equally matched, there will be no reason to ask, ‘Was that good for you?’ Having sexual endurance gives each person a sense of sexual self-efficacy and know-how.”

Harnessing endurance can be achieved in a couples ways.

“Cardio and high-intensity interval training three times a week are great for improving endurance,” Anami says.

5. It Clears Your Mind

If you’ve ever tried to have sex with a lot on your mind, you know that it makes being present near impossible. When you’re not present, both you and your partner miss out.

“My clients report that simply moving — dancing, walking, stretching, hiking — is key to increasing their desire for sex as well as sexual functioning (likelihood of reaching orgasm),” Dr. O’Reilly says. “[This] outcome may be tied to the fact that exercise can help you to clear your mind and feel more relaxed once the body cools down.”

6. You Have A Stronger Sexual Flow

Think your sex moves could use some work? Exercise can help with that.

“[Try] an activity that increases your intuition and flow in your life outside of the bedroom,” Anami says. “When you increase flow in your outer life, you find better flow in bed. Examples [of such activities] are free-form dance, yoga, martial arts, and surfing.”

But not only is flow important when it comes to having moves in bed, so is holding certain positions for an extended period of time. Anami suggest pilates, or other exercises that focus on your core as workouts that will help you put the moves on in bed.

“Core strength is vital for holding certain positions for an extended period of time,” Anami says.

7. It Can Make You Desire It More

It turns out that from a hormonal standpoint, exercise can kickstart the process of wanting to get down to business.

“Exercise is also one of the most effective ways to boost sexual desire, as it can increase testosterone levels as well as augment confidence and desirability,” Dr. O’Reilly says.

A study by the University of Arkansas found that those who exercise regularly felt more desirable and reported better sexual performance. “Eighty percent of men and 60% of women who exercise two to three times per week feel sexier,” Dr. O’Reilly says, citing the study, “And those who get their sweat on four to five times per week rate their sex lives as higher than average.” Sounds pretty good, right?

8. It Can Stimulate Arousal

If you’re not getting aroused the old fashioned way — either through foreplay with a partner or foreplay with yourself — exercise might be able to help. One word: “coregasm.”

“In some cases, exercise is associated with arousal and orgasm,” Dr. O’Reilly says. “More women (and even a few men) are having ‘spontaneous’ orgasms at the gym (also known as coregasms).” It’s possible that these surprising waves of pleasure are connected with contraction and release of pelvic floor muscles, but we still have lots to learn.”

According to Dr. O’Reilly, those who have experienced these types of orgasms cite “cycling/spinning, abdominal exercises, and climbing poles and ropes,” as the exercises most likely to cause them to climax. Even if you don’t get off at the gym, your workout can be the foreplay that you never expected.

As Dr. O’Reilly notes, we all deserve pleasure. If there are ways in which we can increase that pleasure, it might be worth giving it a try. While no one is saying you need to wake up tomorrow and run a 5k, you might find that even doing a few sun salutations every day, if you don’t exercise at all, will start making your sex life even sexier.

“Endurance is important in bed because it gives us a sense of control and feeling of empowerment. We are able to meet our partner’s sexual needs, and feel sexually and erotically fulfilled ourselves,” Dr. Holly Richmond, psychologist and sex therapist tells Bustle. “It lets us know for certain that we are a good lover. If two people’s sexual endurance is equally matched, there will be no reason to ask, ‘Was that good for you?’ Having sexual endurance gives each person a sense of sexual self-efficacy and know-how.”

If you’re struggling with getting up your stamina, don’t worry. There are easy ways — both mentally and physically — to get your head and your body into the bedroom:

1. First, Define What Endurance Is

When experts speak about endurance, it’s not just about how long you can stay on top of your partner or hold a position. As Richmond notes, it’s actually about all aspects of love making that require a strong will. As Dr. Richmond explains, physical endurance might be what you first think of: “The physical aspect, giving and receiving pleasure, is one of the most important pieces of sexual health that I help my clients explore. In a nutshell, it’s asking, ‘What feels good to you? How do you enjoy being sexual with others? How well do you know yourself and your sexual needs? How willing are you to ask your partner about their needs, and meet them if possible?’” she explains.

But then there’s emotional strength while having sex which she explains: “The act of staying present and attuned to your partner, is also an essential element of great sex. I might ask, ‘Do you want sex to be just about your genitals, or are you open to mind/body eroticism, an embodied experience that can make good sex great sex?’”

2. Make Sure You Invest In Foreplay

Part of what will get everything flowing in the right direction is ensuring your body turned on. A big way to do this is with foreplay — from using your hands to your mouth on one another. This helps build your endurance because you spend less time in actual intercourse trying to turn one another one and more time warming up everything. As Richmond advises — foreplay can actually start long before you get naked, too: “Explore what gets you in the mood. Is it sexting with your partner, putting an explicit sticky note on their car seat, whispering in their ear that morning about what you want to do to them or want them to do to you? Build endurance that lasts all day,” she says.

3. Get Out Of Your Head

It’s easier said than done, but the more you can stay present during sex, the better your endurance will be. You waste mental energy that could be focused on intimacy when you start rattling off to-do lists in your head while trying to also have sex. When you let go of everyday stresses for just an hour, you won’t wear yourself out as quickly.

One way to do that is to prioritize your daily choices, Richmond says. “Stress is not sexy. If you are constantly running from one engagement to the next, always in work mode or mom mode, your sexual endurance will be nil. It sounds cliché, but taking time for yourself (not necessarily by yourself) — time where your needs come first — is essential. Exercise, quiet time alone, and social time with friends and family are all necessary qualities that enhance your overall health and sexual health, of which endurance is feel-good byproduct.”

4. Masturbate

It’s no secret that masturbation can seriously make your sex life better. From when you do it all by yourself to using it as a sexy addition for your partner to watch, knowing your own pleasure zones and what gets you off helps you have a fun experience. It can also help build your endurance because you don’t spend time doing things that don’t work and instead, focus on the ones that do.

“If you don’t know your body and mind, and what keeps your aroused, how do you expect your partner to? Be willing to explore your fantasies when you masturbate, and then if it feels safe, share them with your partner,” Richmond tells Bustle. “Also, practice with your hand or a vibrator by bringing yourself close to orgasm, and then bringing yourself back down…and then bringing yourself back up again. Being able to control your orgasm with your technique can extend a quickie to hours of pleasure.”

5. Lastly, Breathe

If you’ve ever ran a race or tried to make it through a grueling workout, you likely heard your instructor (or your internal coach) reminding you to inhale and exhale. Breath is so important in anything physical, sex included. It helps you structure your pace, slow down and then dive right back in.

“The pacing of your breath is as important as the pacing of your body. Things may go too quickly if your breathing is shallow and rapid. Think long, slow deep breaths, and let your body follow,” Richmond says. “You can learn to easily regulate your excitement with your breath for an extra erotic mind/body charge.”

Images: Andrew Zaeh for Bustle; Giphy

Original Source: http://www.bustle.com/articles/180016-5-ways-to-build-endurance-in-bed

Read the full article by Lindsay Tigar on Bustle here: https://www.bustle.com/articles/180016-5-ways-to-build-endurance-in-bed

Read the full article by Lindsay Tigar on Bustle here:
https://www.bustle.com/articles/183566-what-it-really-means-to-love-yourself-because-how-you-start-the-day-matters

By Lindsay Tigar

Ask any therapist, relationship expert, yogi, psychic or your mama or best friend, and they’ll tell you the same thing: the most important — and complicated — relationship of your life is the one you have with yourself. Before you can be a true partner in a romantic relationship, an awesome friend, a kickass boss or a functioning member of society, you have to build your own self-confidence, self-worth, and self-value.

“Self-love is important because it lays the framework for how we love others, and how we let them love us in return. If we do not love ourselves, how can we accept and give love to others?,” psychologist Nikki Martinez tells Bustle. “If we have a strong sense of self, love and appreciate who we are, we are a stronger partner. It is true that we attract individuals who are a reflection of how we feel about ourselves.”

But when you think of coming from a place of confidence and acceptance but doesn’t come across as elitist or boastful, it might be tough to separate the two. Here, experts explain what it really means to self-love and why it matters more than we realize:

1. Self-Love Is A Solo Act

It’s easy to believe in yourself when you have a cheering section. Or when you’re getting that raise at work. Or your boyfriend or girlfriend reminds you every day. But really investing in self-love means you understand that it has to come from you — and only you. “I think the most important misconception about self-love is that we can look to another to find it. Some people base their esteem and how they feel about themselves, based on if others like them or are attracted to them. They only feel loved and worthy when someone loves and is interested in them,” Martinez explains. “They fail to realize that they are capable of giving this love and acceptance to themselves,and if they depend on someone to give this feeling to them, then they are also giving them the power to take it away.”

2. Self-Love Is Starting Your Day With a Positive Mindset

If you wake up, rub your eyes and automatically start thinking about the brand new zit that appeared on your forehead or check your phone, only to see your friend didn’t text you back or your boss didn’t reply to your e-mail, you are bashing yourself before you even pull off the covers. Instead, Martinez advises to set the mood of your day by refocusing your mindset. “Practice starting your day with positive and loving morning mantras. This starts your day with positive and loving thoughts for and about yourself, and sets a tone for the day,” she says.

3. Self-Love Is Standing Up For What You Need

No matter who you are or how outspoken you are, confrontation can be intimidating and difficult to navigate. But when you value your own happiness, needs and future, you have to be willing to let others know when something isn’t working for you or brings you down. You also have to be unafraid to be unapologetically the brilliant you that you are — no excuses needed. “Tell people what’s important to you, and be authentic when you do so. Love yourself for who you are and don’t try to be someone you’re not,” psychologist and sex therapist, Dr. Holly Richmond tells Bustle.

4. Self-Love Means Being Unafraid To Be Alone

Even if it seems like all fun, games, and swiping, learning to love the skin you’re in, the life you have and the future you’re dreaming about when you’re totally single isn’t easy for everyone. But there is such a strength that comes from being single because it gives you the opportunity to truly evaluate your needs, your deal-breakers and your happiness-triggers without considering someone else. “Take a time in your life when you are single. This is an exercise each of us should do. Take this time to really get to know and love who you are as an individual,” Martinez says. “The more you know yourself, and the more you grow to love yourself as a unique individual, the better quality partner you will attract or accept when the time comes.”

5. Self-Love Means Letting Go Of What Doesn’t Serve You

Breaking up is hard to do and maybe even more draining when you have to end a friendship. Unlike a romantic affair, when you have to step away from someone you were once close to because you’re not headed in the right direction, can’t find common ground or they’re just flat-out toxic in your life, you might feel hesitant to pull the plug. But Martinez says so much self-love can be built (and celebrated!) when you are brave enough to walk away. “Remove toxic people from your life, no matter who they are. This is hard for some people, but an important and loving act. If there is someone in your life that makes you feel bad about yourself, and tries to cut you down to build themselves up, remove them from your life. This is one of the most loving and healthy acts you can do for yourself,” she says.

6. Self-Love Means Doing Things You Love

There is no other person in the entire world (or the Facebook planet or the Internet) who knows what makes you happier than you do. No one — not even the person you’re married to, your mom or your therapist. That’s why Richmond says it’s so essential to nurture self-love by simply doing the things that make you full of joy. “You have to know what you like. And love yourself by allowing it. Ask the question — What makes me feel good?,” she says. “If traveling makes you happy, travel.”

Images: Fotolia; Giphy