By Anna Breslaw, Carina Hsieh, and Rachel Varina 

There are several different types of meditation, from zen and chakra to yoga, and they all have their benefits. But, there’s one that you probably won’t find on meditation apps and that is the unique practice of orgasmic meditation, otherwise known as OM.

What is orgasmic meditation?

Orgasmic meditation involves a partner stroking the upper left quadrant of the clitoris (as this part is supposedly the most sensitive) for 15 minutes, gently and with a lubricated finger. Sounds pretty familiar, but how exactly does it work as a form of meditation?

How does orgasmic mediation work?

Despite its name, the practice isn’t solely for women and people with vulvas to reach the end goal of an orgasm. While a more intense orgasm is a bonus, during this 15-minute session, the focus is on removing any other distractions and prioritizing the process of pleasure itself.

It may sound a lot like regular sexual stimulation, give or take a few minutes, however sex and relationship psychotherapist, Miranda Christophers, explains the difference. “Orgasmic mediation is to do with the mindfulness aspect. It’s being aware that other thoughts may come in, but moving them to one side and then going back into focusing purely on the sensation. It’s about focusing within the body rather than within the mind and really noticing the feeling.”

Essentially the meditation aspect comes from being present in the moment, rather than focusing too strongly on how long it’s taking you to reach orgasm, saying the right things or looking at pornography, or your partner.

Where does orgasmic meditation come from?

Orgasmic meditation is a practice that was adopted and made mainstream in 2004 by co-founder of OneTaste, Nicole Daedone. Daedone claims she was introduced to this practice by a Buddhist monk in her 2011 TEDx Talk. During Daedone’s leadership of the company, she marketed orgasmic meditation as an opportunity for people to reclaim their sexuality, improve their sex lives and even help with recovery from sexual trauma.

Quite a lot of power and pressure to put on such a simple method, but with these claims in mind, it’s not surprising that orgasmic mediation became so popular.

OneTaste was a US business that taught orgasmic mediation workshops, including dozens of women ‘OM-ing’ together. It got really popular, but faced a great deal of controversy over the price of its workshops and the way it ran its operations, particularly when Bloomberg published an expose on the company in 2018. “Many who’ve become involved in the upper echelons describe an organization that they found ran on predatory sales and pushed members to ignore their financial, emotional, and physical boundaries in ways that left them feeling traumatized,” the investigation found.

The company was also described by former community members and staff as similar to a “prostitution ring”. OneTaste responded calling the claims “outrageous” and denied that employees were ecnouraged to engage in sexual acts with each other. Shortly after this, OneTaste closed its US locations.

Orgasmic meditation wasn’t exclusive to the US either, TurnOnBritain brought this practice to the UK, also with in-person classes, coaching and events but has since stopped providing these offerings, according to their website. Instead, they are offering private consultations.

There are a range of  worldwide, either no longer running classes or with . So, while OneTaste as a company name may no longer be around, OM affiliates still exist.

The appeal of orgasmic meditation

Orgasmic mediation centres female pleasure, which is naturally alluring to most. But on a deeper level, and with the alleged benefits in mind, it speaks to those who seek a more profound experience with their bodies.

Miranda says, “There is a lot of benefit to focusing the body on sensations and can include genital touching. This can progress into mindful self-pleasure or mindful masturbation. If they’re experiencing sexual dysfunction such as vaginismus, it’s a way they can go into really being present in their body, feeling the sensations, and then allowing arousal to build through that.”

Although orgasmic meditation is sold as a partnered experience, somatic psychologist and sex therapist, Dr Holly Richmond, says a woman or person with a vagina can perform this act by themselves too.

“This practice creates an intention around sexuality to really focus on how you can feel best in your body,” she says. “The best sex starts with knowing ourselves, our own bodily exploration and what feels good to us without the projection of what feels good for other people.”

Is orgasmic mediation an authentic practice?

While Miranda and Dr Holly see the benefits of orgasmic mediation, they both say it wouldn’t be their go-to recommendation for their own clients.

As mentioned, the founding company, OneTaste, had its controversies, but even if you separate the company from the act of orgasmic meditation, it isn’t a flawless practice. For Dr Holly, her issue with orgasmic meditation largely lies in the name.

“I love that it’s a practice about presence, and I think all women would benefit from that, but because of the nature of the name ‘orgasmic’, it feels like a goal-oriented process,” she says.

“In my practice, I would work on developing a sexual template with a woman and figure out what turns her on and what her buttons for desire and arousal are. This would be a few weeks or months into her self-pleasure protocol.

“It could hurt if she just went for orgasmic meditation with the goal of ‘this is definitely going to help me reach orgasm’. But if this practice doesn’t work for her, I wouldn’t want to put any more shame or blame, [or aid in] someone feeling broken or incapable, so that’s why I like to start with just self-exploration and pleasure.”

As a result, focusing on the mindfulness aspect of orgasmic meditation is the priority here, but even with that, Miranda states that this practice shouldn’t be seen as the ‘be all and end all’ of all things pleasure in attempts to be one with your body.

“Mindful pleasure is great, but there’s nothing wrong with also enjoying more eroticised pleasures and orgasms. Nothing needs to be one dimensional,” she says.

“You could try different things and the important thing is that nothing becomes too narrow. The wider the lens and interests, then the more enjoyable and healthier somebody’s sex life may be.”

Whatever you might think of orgasmic meditation, if we strip it down to its simplest form of just combining mindfulness and elongated pleasure, it’s fairly harmless. But, relying on it as a DIY or partnered experience to resolve all of your sexual issues or awaken your sexual wellbeing, isn’t recommended by certified therapists – and understandably so.

When all the signs around you scream, “Everyone’s having tons of hot sex!” it can make you feel even more self-conscious about the fact that you, well, just don’t want to. Holly Richmond, Ph.D., a certified sex therapist with offices in California, Portland and the greater New York City area, estimates that 30 to 40 percent of her clientele are women who come to her saying, “I don’t want to have sex. Am I normal? Am I weird? Why am I different?”

In a recent survey* of 1,686 women ages 25 to 49, more than three in five respondents said they’ve personally experienced one or more symptoms of sexual dysfunction, including not being in the mood for unknown reasons on a regular basis, and making frequent excuses to avoid a sex sesh. Among those women, a whopping 91 percent said this was taking a negative emotional toll on their lives, mainly in the form of self-consciousness, disappointment, and feeling awkward.

Translation: Not only are too many women missing out on the big Os, intimacy, and countless other benefits of sex on the reg, they’re also feeling crappy and embarrassed by it.

And what those feelings do, Richmond says, is just perpetuate the cycle. “Now you’re in your head: ‘Does my partner think I’m broken?’ ‘Am I the only woman in the world who doesn’t want to have sex?’—and you won’t even take that step toward sex because you’ve already talked yourself out of it.”

And as we all know, if you’re not feeling good about yourself, you’re probably not going to be up for sexy time.

You’re not alone, and you’re certainly not doomed to be stuck in this insecure headspace forever. Here’s how to turn things around.

Try practicing mindfulness (in bed).

Feeling embarrassed about your sex drive is enough to ax whatever steamy feelings you have. Then, there’s all of life’s other stresses—deadlines, relationship anxiety, body image issues, financial difficulties—infiltrating your mind. That stress can def sneak into the bedroom: Forty-three percent of the aforementioned survey respondents cited stress as the number one reason for their sexual dysfunction; 41 percent ID’ed body confidence and self-esteem issues.

So, start by trying for a little mindfulness while you’re getting busy. Richmond encourages clients to “get out of their head and into their body.” After all, if you’re obsessing over what your partner thinks about your cellulite, or why you don’t want to screw on the kitchen floor like Emmy Rossum in Shameless, you probs won’t notice the *OMG* way his hand feels on your thigh or her lips against your neck.

To help anchor yourself in the present, Richmond suggests trying to notice three sights, sounds, or smells around you—the scent of your white tea candle, the Camila Cabello song playing, the color of your partner’s eyes.

DIY it up.

Another fab option, according to Richmond: Masturbation. For one thing, you’ll feel more present because “you’re not worrying about things like whether you look, sound, or taste right,” Richmond says. But also, thanks to a combination of hormones and neurotransmitters released during orgasm, “the more sex we have, the more sex we tend to want,” making self-pleasure a lower pressure way of dipping your toe back into the sex pool.

Go to Pleasuretown elsewhere.

Too intimidated for sex at the moment? That’s fine! Instead, Richmond recommends working on finding passion in your everyday life. “I’ll often ask women, ‘Where do you experience pleasure that’s non-sexual?’ and I’ll get a blank stare for 30 seconds, because as women with partners and a job, and sometimes kids or aging parents, our pleasure isn’t prioritized.”

So ask yourself, “What else brings me pleasure?” Maybe you get mentally “turned on” by art or cooking or exercise. Tap into that, Richmond says, and with some time, you may find your passion making its way downtown.

Try to remember this isn’t your fault.

Alexandra Stockwell, MD, a physician-turned-relationship and intimacy expert in the San Francisco Bay Area, says it’s normal for sex drive to ebb and flow. “We all have various seasons in our sexual desire. Sometimes it’s spring and summer, and sometimes it’s fall or winter.” Stockwell says that regularly not being in the mood can be a symptom of depression, a thyroid condition, a hormonal imbalance, or a side effect of certain antidepressants or anti-anxiety medications. Or, it may be a sign of hypoactive sexual desire disorder (HSSD), a condition characterized by a chronically low sex drive that—and this is a key feature—causes the person distress.

These are all medical or psychological conditions, but research out of the University of Chicago found that just 40 percent of U.S. ob-gyns routinely ask patients about sexual dysfunction. Even fewer regularly inquire about satisfaction. That means you might need to take a deep breath and bring it up yourself, which can be really intimidating—especially if you’re already feeling self-conscious, Richmond acknowledges. But trust that health care providers are your advocates.

Do it at your annual exam with your ob-gyn or internist, or make a special appointment. It may feel easier to baby-step into the conversation with, “I’ve been noticing X, Y, Z about my sex drive. I wonder if it might be physiological or psychological?”

Your doctor can lead from there. They’ll probably ask about your general and mental health, including sources of stress and fatigue, and do a physical exam. They may also ask a series of questions designed to help diagnose HSDD, including: “In the past, was your level of sexual desire good and satisfying to you?” and “Are you bothered by your decreased level of sexual desire/interest?” (The good news: HSDD is treatable, and so are many of the conditions commonly responsible for low sex drive.)

If you want to find a sex therapist, check out the International Society for Women’s Sexual Health or the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists. Trust us, they’ve heard it all, so meeting with one may help you feel less isolated and less uncomfortable, and could help you learn all sorts of tips and tricks to pump up your confidence and get back in touch with your sexual self.

Ask your friends for a confidence boost.

Not only are we not discussing low sex drive with our doctors, but we’re also keeping it on the DL around friends and partners, too. Forty-four percent of respondents in our survey said they haven’t discussed their sexual dysfunction with someone else. Reasons ranged from “I’ve learned to just live with it” to “I figured at some point I’d feel normal.”

Richmond says it’s also standard to feel self-conscious when you hear your friends gushing about their steamy sex lives, especially when it sounds so polar opposite to what you’re experiencing yourself.

But, come on: You’ve got friends who are always there for you, so reach out to them. Start the convo with, “I trust you and need to share this with someone,” then spill, just as you would when having a heart-to-heart on any important topic. While your BFF might not be a therapist or a doctor, the simple act of unloading could help lift the feeling of shame.

Get some info from your partner.

With the person you actually want to get busy with, try this no-fail conversation starter: “I’m curious: What do you think about our sex life?” Be direct. “The words ‘I’m curious’ open the door in a way that avoids any shaming and doesn’t put either partner on the defense,” Richmond says. Maybe your S.O. has been feeling self-conscious, too, and this can put you on the road to a fix together.

Be proud of yourself for having the courage to bring it up. And above all, Richmond says, “Don’t feel weird or broken. You’re not.”

*Survey was conducted by Women’s Health & Cosmopolitan, in partnership with a pharmaceutical company that sells a drug to treat hypoactive sexual desire disorder (HSDD).

At 24, I now know that my adolescent division of “hot girls” from “weird girls” was just a product of internalized misogyny. But I sometimes still see myself as an enthusiastic dweeb sleeping under a Kurt Cobain poster, secretly longing for a candy gram from a jock. No matter how old I get, not being “hot” when I was 12 still influences how I see myself and, more than that, how I navigate love and romancé. And I know I’m not the only one who feels this way.

“I definitely think who I feel like I’m ‘allowed’ to date or who I will be compatible with is based on these stories I tell myself about who I am and where I come from,” says Alex, 25, a digital-marketing strategist in San Francisco. “I first started writing those stories in middle school, and you never really rewrite them, you just add on to what’s already there.” Of course, the way I see it, Alex is incredibly hot, like, even by problematic Hollywood rom-com beauty standards—they’re successful, fun, kind, and, in my opinion, they date other hot, successful, fun, kind people. But, like me, Alex still sometimes gets caught up in the oily, retainer-wearing vision of themselves as they swipe through Tinder, even as a grown-ass adult.

According to therapist and relationship expert Rachel Sussman, insecurity and identity form a 2002 Britney Spears-style ~crossroads~ that we are all driving on. Human self-esteem develops at very young age, and if left unchecked, past insecurities can easily creep into present day love lives, Sussman explains.

“When you’re with someone and you’re trying to create intimacy, a lot of the thoughts that come through your mind are you as an awkward teenager,” she says. “I want to normalize those thoughts.” As Sussman shares, getting flashbacks to your first boyfriend dumping you via AIM or replaying never getting asked to prom in your head is a completely natural part of dating. Thinking about your past (even your distant, preteen past) is a natural part of being alive.

Yet, according to Sussman, as uncomfy and embarrassing as your memories may be, they don’t control your right-now dating life. “Becoming an adult and becoming healthy is realizing they’re just thoughts, they’re just memories, they’re not reality,” Sussman says. “If you’re constantly thinking about your old, insecure childhood self and that’s who you’re measuring up to today, you’re going to question everything.”

The alternate version of this story (that I’m not inclined to write but would love to one day read from someone else) is “I Was‘Hot’ When I Was 12 and That Still Impacts Me.” From hyper-sexualization to complete desexualization, the way we’re perceived by our peers throughout adolescence, and the types of sexual and romantic activities we first encountered can have major, long-term effects on how we date as adults.

“What turns us on and what turns us off is often a direct result of our initial sexual experiences, and that can be both good and bad,” says somatic psychologist and certified sex therapist Holly Richmond. Although these first encounters may run deep (like never-not-thinking-about-bleeding-in-your-ex’s-dad’s-2008-Nissan-Xterra deep), Richmond affirms that with enough processing and letting go of shame, emotionally distancing yourself from awkward, uncomfortable, or even straight-up terrible sexual and romantic experiences is totally possible.

“One of my favorite mantras for disarming the sting of insecurities and rejection is ‘That was then, this is now,’” Richmond says. “This reminds us that we are no longer that young and that vulnerable.”

If you’re feeling completely stuck in a reverse 13 Going on 30 situation, both Sussman and Richmond say that celebrating who you are right now can steer oncoming insecurities away. Practicing what Sussman calls a “self-esteem check” (like literally repeating “I’m hot and fun!” to yourself or naming the things you like about your body) creates new habits of associating positive thoughts about your sex, your relationships, and most important, your own self-image.

So the next time you’re up at night reliving the time you showed up to the “luau”-themed dance dressed as Cyndi Lauper (it seemed subversive at the time!), maybe you’ll start to think about the hot cinematographer you recently made out with, the college break where you took your crush’s virginity, the kick-ass job you did this week at work—or all the other reasons your middle school self would be proud of the person you’ve become.

Because, despite the over-edited point-and-shoot-camera mirror selfies that will live on Myspace forever, we (thankfully) were only 12 once. And maybe with enough sage face masks from Lush and daily positive affirmations, we’ll all eventually grow out of constantly reliving it.

By Brook Sager

When’s the last time you and your partner have… just kissed? Like, without expecting it to lead to something further? Admit it, when you’re having sex regularly, it’s easy to breeze over the foreplay and kissing when you know pound-town is right around the corner.

But smooching speaks a different sensibility than intercourse, explains Holly Richmond, PhD, psychologist and certified sex therapist.

“Kissing says, ‘I want to play with you and spend time with you. We’re taking our time and not just moving towards the goal of having an orgasm.’ It tells your partner you’re into them,” says Richmond.

So, why not pucker up and get back to the basics? Try out these 12 types of kisses to prove that making out is le best for showing affection, communicating intimacy, and being hot AF foreplay.

Royal Hand Kiss

A person kissing the top of another’s offered hand is the most formal of kisses. The traditional ritual doesn’t imply affection—it’s more a polite and respectful greeting among strangers meeting for the first time.

Air Kiss

Air-kissing is a social gesture that involves pursing your lips and leaning in as if you’re kissing, but without actually touching the other person’s cheek (the little “mwah” sound is optional). It can be a hello or a goodbye and communicates endearment—like, something you may do with a friend or family member when you’re saying goodbye.

Cheek Kiss

Very popular in Europe, one or two light kisses on the cheek is a friendly greeting that says “happy to see you” between friends, family, partners, and sometimes, strangers. But say it happens with a romantic partner post-date, assume it’s their respectful way of telling you they had a great time, but want to take things slow.

Forehead Kiss

“The forehead kiss is atypical, which makes it more memorable,” explains Richmond. Perhaps this is the reason #foreheadkisses have been tagged 33.8k times on Instagram. Not only is it compassionate and warm, but it communicates love in a non-sexual way. The gesture is typically reserved for someone special, like someone you’re really feeling.

Eskimo Kiss

Some think it’s corny, but some couples love to rub noses because it’s “their thing” and unique to the relationship. There’s no lip-touching in an Eskimo kiss, but it’s intimate without being sexual. “You have to be very close to someone, whether you’re looking into their eyes or closing your eyes and feeling their breath,” says Richmond.

Single Lip Kiss

This seductive, warm-up move involves kissing the person’s bottom lip while they kiss your top lip (or vice-versa). The single lip kiss is a playful tease; an offer that maybe there’s more to come…

French Kiss

Oui, oui! The open-mouth kiss with tongue is all types of erotic—there’s almost no other kiss that connects two people more. But keep it for the bedroom, mmk? It’s probably not supes appropriate when you’re tonguing at a funeral or a Starbucks.

Bite Kiss

Kissing and playful biting on the lips, cheeks, jawline, collarbone, or neck can be really tantalizing (but no hickies, please!). How hard you nibble is of personal preference, so make sure to tell your boo what really drives you crazy. And while it makes for a seductive first-time hookup, introduce the idea slowly. “Go easy to start and you’ll know if it’s well-received,” says Richmond. “If the person pulls back, it’s off the table.”

Lizard Kiss

Just tongues, and that’s it. The lizard kiss is an unconventional type of foreplay that two people really have to find sexy… but, hey, don’t knock it ’til you try it!

Neck Kiss

Neck kisses are highly depicted in movies and most often referenced in romance novels starring Fabio-esque male leads, but they’re even more sensual IRL. The neck is an underrated erogenous zone full of delicate, sensitive nerve endings, making for very fiery foreplay —especially for women.

Body Kiss

Besides the neck, there are tons of other areas on the body worth kissing, including the chest, stomach, torso, feet, and booty. All this depends on an individual’s sexual preferences and ticklish meter. Remember, what feels good to one person might not feel good to another. “If you really pay attention to your partner’s body language, you’re going to get a lot of information,” says Richmond.

Nipple Kiss

Kissing, licking, and sucking a partner’s nipples is a body kiss deserving of its own category—and let’s be honest, it feels pretty effing amazing for both women and men. But again, everyone’s sexual proclivity is different and this is an area that requires staying attuned with intimate communication advises Richmond. If your partner is moaning and moving towards you, that’s a green light. If his or her body recoils or tenses, take that as a no-go.

Genital Kiss

It’s a sultry tease to kiss your bae through their underwear, using only your lips for epic foreplay at the spot where they really enjoy it. With your partner begging for more, remove the barrier, introduce tongue… and enjoy the grand finale. Are you seeing sparks yet?

By Taylor Andrews

Raise your hand if you’ve been planning your dream wedding since you were, oh, way too young to know what a venetian hour is. I’m talking serious planning here: imagining your dream wedding dress lewk, drafting your vows based on your favorite rom-com movie lines, keeping a list of potential bridesmaids…

Yeah, same. But some women are taking this childhood fantasy one step further by putting down payments on venues and buying their wedding dresses—before they’re even actually engaged.

According to a recent study published by wedding company Zola, 60 percent of couples planned part of their wedding before they got engaged—like, 15 percent of them selected their wedding venue and 50 percent went ring shopping.

“My husband and I were dating for eight years and I knew we were going to get engaged soon, so I snuck down to Philadelphia with my sister to scope out a few potential venues during the holidays because I knew things would book up early,” says Jennifer Spector, Zola’s brand director.

Spector booked the venue shortly after viewing sans ring…and saved some major dollars and stress in doing so.

Debbie S., a researcher from New York City, did some pre-planning too. After solidifying a venue, buying a dress, and getting quotes from photographers, all the 30-year-old had left to do was wait for the proposal.

“My husband and I had no intention of dating for very long anyway. It seemed like the sooner I did it, the better,” says Debbie. And while her hubby was a bit shook on how fast the relationship was moving, he knew he wanted to marry her and didn’t mind the pre-planning—especially when it guaranteed their dream venue during competitive wedding season, which could also fit their 400+ guests.

In fact, organizing the wedding ahead of time made the proposal that much more special, says Debbie. “Having the date, venue, and dress booked and ready gave my husband the luxury of time, in that he could work out the nitty gritty details of the proposal since the wedding was already arranged.”

What’s more, “It can be empowering to know what you want and to go for it,” says Holly Richmond, PhD, certified sex and relationship therapist. And while there’s really no exact timeline for when you’re ready to get married, sometimes it starts by initiating conversations about things that don’t require a signature on contracts or down payments right away—such as budgets, guest lists, and wedding designs (easy things to fantasize about!) Then, work your way up to the heavier ideas like location, payment, rings, and photographers.

But, before you go chasing your white horse and chariot, come back to reality for a sec: Is this what you want? Are you and your partner there yet? Should you wait for the actual question? Should you do the asking? Is your relationship ready to make the step of confirming ya’ll are pre-ancés (aka, pre-fiancés)?

No matter how much money or headaches or drama you’ll avoid by starting the process early, remember: talk to your partner! “Don’t rush it because you have a vision of what it should look like,” says Richmond.

Wishful thinking alone doesn’t always work well in this type of sitch, so if you want to book a venue or buy a dress pre-engagement, make sure your partner acknowledges that, yeah, you actually will soon be engaged. Or, at the very least, get that shit insured!

Start with an “I’m Curious” conversation with your partner to gauge his or her interest. Say: “I’m curious what you think about our future,” or “I’m curious what you think our marriage will look like,” advises Richmond. Not only does this validate your partner’s ideas and opinion, but it opens the door to direct conversation about marriage, too.

And if you are really ready to get married, move forward to create the life you envisioned, even if it means you’re the one getting on your knee (literally or figuratively). It’s 2018, girl, sometimes we gotta take action into our own hands.

Just don’t get too caught up on the superficial stuff, alright? No matter how excited you may be for your on-sale A-symmetrical neckline, getting married is really about the lurve deep down.

By Sophie Saint Thomas

The clitoris, with its 8,000 nerve endings, exists to give you pleasure. A climatic way to enjoy make the most of it is, unsurprisingly, a clitoral orgasm. But what exactly is a clitoral orgasm, and how does it differ from vaginal orgasms? Most importantly, how can you achieve one? New research suggests the clitoris has legs that extend beyond the hood and down towards the vaginal opening, so basically all orgasms owe credit to the clit. “It turns out that all orgasms are clitoral,” says sex therapist Dr. Holly Richmond. “They discovered that the clitoris actually has legs. These nerve endings are expanding all through the vagina, all through the pelvic floor muscles.” Rather than look like a button, the clitoris is wishbone shaped. The external nub is just the part that we can see.

Here’s something that probably won’t shock you: Most people with vaginas, about 75 percent, need more than penetration to come. Those who can come from penetration alone likely have a clitoral hood that is closer to the vaginal opening. “Many women’s anatomies may prevent more frequent vaginal orgasms due to the space between the external portion of the clitoris and the vaginal opening,” says psychologist and sexologist Dr. Denise Renye.

Therefore, to enjoy a clitoral orgasm during penetrative sex with a partner, most people needed added stimulation of a hand or vibrator. A study shows that there is an orgasm gap, meaning that research proves what we already know: men have more orgasms than women. To help close that gap, people with vaginas may need to take the matter into their own hands. “Having a masturbation practice allows a woman to know more deeply what type of touch works for her,” Dr. Renye says.

Regardless of if you’re single or partnered, to have more clitoral orgasms, it’s important to take time alone to get to know your anatomy and touch preferences. Some people’s clitorises are so sensitive that they don’t want to be touched directly but prefer circular hand motions above the external clitoris. Others want an intense vibration directly on the clit. The only way to find out is to explore, which luckily, is a fun homework assignment.

You will definitely not regret adding a vibrator into your sex life, and no, you don’t need to worry about “ruining” your orgasm abilities by becoming dependent on the toy. Just switch up your touch, so your body enjoys variation. Try different vibrators, and also use your hands, or while you’re with your partner, have them go down on you (more on that later).

The Squish Vibrator

The Satisfyer Pro 2

To share how you like to be touched, either casually discuss beforehand based on what you learned from masturbating or integrate instructions into your dirty talk. “Some couples really get off on that dirty talk, and other couples are gentler about it,” Dr. Richmond says about sexual communication. “It’s just finding your rhythm.” If your partner starts to get Freudian on you and acts disappointed that you can’t get off solely from their penis, show them the studies and remember that you have science on your side. However, at the risk of sounding pretty kinky, often men enjoy being given instructions, as most of them are mama’s boys at heart.

With all the hubbub, if you’re monogamous, you may be wondering if you’re missing out. While Dr. Holly Richmond, PhD., somatic psychologist and sex therapist, stresses the importance of not pathologizing people based on their relationship formats, there are some personality traits that may point to the right relationship style for your needs. We spoke with some of the leading sex researchers to talk about indicators that can help you decide. Of course, as all interviewed were quick to add, often exploring is half the fun. So if you’re not sure if you’re best suited for polyamory or monogamy, it’s okay to try various relationship formats. Just remember to check in with yourself and your partner(s) as you go, and don’t feel bad if regular ole’ monogamy is what you want. I promise you can still be cool. Here are seven signs that suggest having one committed partner may be best for you.

1. A lot of change makes you uncomfortable. Change is inevitable in any relationship. However, in polyamorous relationships, the dynamic between you and your partners is more likely to ebb and flow, says Michael Aaron, PhD., a NYC-based therapist and author of Modern Sexuality: The Truth about Sex and Relationships. Some life events, such as having a child, will change your relationship for both monogamous and polyamorous couples. Yet with more partners comes more change. A poly person may have a primary partner and one or several secondary partners who they see less frequently. This is known as hierarchical poly, where a couple exists that may even appear monogamous but dates others. Over the course of a primary relationship, the secondary partners are likely to change, as is the couple or individual’s relationship with them. For instance, if a poly couple decides they need to focus on their intimacy they may limit time with secondary partners, or if one or both people are feeling they have needs that can’t be met (like certain kinks) within their primary relationship, they may expand their secondary relationships. If too much change makes you uneasy, you may be better suited for monogamy. Research suggests being comfortable with change can depend on how open you are to new experiences, Dr. Aaron says.

2. You aren’t the best with jealousy. Most people get jealous, even professional porn stars who are consensually non-monogamous for a living, Dr. Aaron says. This means that both monogamous and polyamorous people can experience jealousy. However, the ability to cope well with the emotion, and regulate it rather than lashing out is a crucial factor in successful polyamorous relationships, Dr. Zhana says. If your reaction to seeing an Instagram photo of your partner getting cozy with someone else is to send a slew of angry messages and then seek retaliation by setting up a sexy social media photo shoot, do you, but probably stick with monogamy. In polyamory, not only may you see photos of your partner with sexy people on social media, but you need to be supportive of the fact that yes, they sleep with the sexy person in question.

3. You’re not huge on relationship talks. Polyamorous relationships require constant communication around often uncomfortable topics. These subjects include safer sex and regular STI testing, as well as checking in with your partners about your other partners, and boundaries you want to set. For instance, a polyamorous person may decide they no longer want a primary partner, but to have a non-hierarchical set up where all their romantic partners are on an equal playing field. Sound like too much? In monogamy, while communication is equally important, you’ll likely have to discuss STI testing and your feelings for other people less frequently.

4. You have stable attachment patterns. This one is a trick; stable relationship patterns are helpful for both polyamorous and monogamous relationships. “People who are happy with monogamy or open relationships tend to be equally secure,” Dr. Zhana says. A secure attachment pattern means that you expect your partner to be there for you. What can mess up any relationship are anxious attachment patterns when you tend to be clingy and constantly assume your partner’s going to leave you. Attachment style is often formed by our childhood relationships with our parents, although you can work to develop yours through therapy if it’s becoming problematic.

5. You’re not super organized. Certainly, many highly organized people prefer monogamous relationships. However, at the risk of ruining any highly erotic fantasies of dating multiple people, most poly problems take place in calendars rather than the bedroom. There have even been apps created by poly families, such as The Poly Life, to help schedule time for multiple partners. So, if scheduling time for one love interest already stresses you out, polyamory may be overwhelming.

6. You prefer living in rural areas. “It’s easier for people who don’t have stigmatized relationships to find belonging and community,” Dr. Zhana says. While times are changing, coming out as poly to friends and family can still be met with gasps and judgement. That’s probably why poly people are more likely to live in liberal cities such as New York or San Francisco, Dr. Aaron says. The internet has made it easier for poly people all over to connect and find community, but as a general rule of thumb, thriving poly communities such as Open Love NY exist in urban areas. This isn’t a hard and fast rule, monogamous couples thrive in New York, and poly families exist in small towns. One thing is certain, regardless of your relationship format, supportive friends are important for your mental health (and therefore successful romantic relationships). You need someone to bitch to. If you prefer life in rural areas where traditional relationships are the norm, you may be better suited for monogamy.

7. You’re simply uninterested in consensual non-monogamy. Perhaps the most important indicator of predilection for monogamy is desire. Do you feel certain that you want to spend most of your life in one relationship, in which you only love and sleep with each other? If that’s how you feel, then kudos for self-awareness, and go for the relationship style you desire.
Dr. Zhana teaches a webinar that can help people decide if polyamory or monogamy is right for them. Learn more about it here.

By Sophie Saint Thomas