What does demisexuality mean?

Demisexuals generally don’t feel immediate sexual desire. “They lead with emotional connection, not sexual interest,” says Holly Richmond, PhD, LMFT, a certified sex therapist in private practice.

But over time, emotional connection can lead to feelings of sexual attraction. “For some demisexuals this may be a matter of several weeks, for others, several months,” Richmond says.

Here are some signs you may be demisexual, according to Casey Tanner, MA, LCPC, a certified sex therapist and founder of The Expansive Group:

• You’ve had the experience of not being attracted to someone at first, but felt attraction build up once you felt an emotional connection.
• You’ve never felt sexual desire for someone you weren’t close to.
• You can’t relate when friends are sexually attracted to a celebrity or someone they’ve just met.
• You have trouble relating to people who enjoy casual sex.

Pansexual vs. demisexual: Pansexual people are attracted to others regardless of their gender or biological sexual orientation. Pansexuals can be demisexual if they need an emotional bond to feel attraction, but pansexuals can also be asexual or feel immediate sexual attraction.

At the beginning of a relationship, a lack of interest in sex may cause challenges for demisexual people.

“There needs to be open communication about what the expectations are early in the relationship,” Richmond says, so the demisexual person doesn’t feel rushed into sex and their partner doesn’t feel rejected.

“It is also important that they clarify to their partner that it isn’t a lack of sexual attraction, but rather that the sexual attraction takes longer to grow,” Richmond says.

Myths about demisexuality

• Myth 1: Demisexual people don’t like sex. Demisexuality isn’t the same thing as asexuality, in which a person has no sexual attraction or interest in sex. “On the contrary, just like anyone else, demisexual folks are capable of full, exciting, passionate, and wide-ranging sexual dynamics,” Tanner says.
• Myth 2: Demisexual people are attracted to everyone they’re close with. Just because sexual attraction can grow out of an emotional bond doesn’t mean it always will. “The same way that gay people aren’t attracted to everyone of the same gender, demisexual folks aren’t attracted to everyone they’re emotionally investing in,” says Tanner.
• Myth 3: Demisexuality determines sexual orientation. Demisexuality doesn’t affect which genders you’re attracted to, only the way your attraction develops. You can be bisexual, straight, gay, or any other sexual orientation at the same time as being demisexual.
• Myth 4: Anyone who doesn’t like casual sex is demisexual. Many people choose to wait until they get to know someone to have sex, but this isn’t the same thing as demisexuality. “Demisexual individuals are not making a choice; they cannot experience sexual attraction without that bond,” says Tanner.

How to support someone who is demisexual

It’s not always easy to come out as demisexual, and having the support of friends and family can play an important role. Here’s how you can support someone in your life who is demisexual:

• Do your own research. The person coming out may explain how their demisexuality works, but it helps to do some reading on the subject so you don’t bombard them with potentially hurtful questions or ideas, Tanner says. You can find more information on the Demisexuality Resource Center website.
• Believe them. It’s important to listen to your loved one when they tell you about their experience. Remember, everyone knows themselves best, Tanner says.
• Ask how you can support them. Let them make the decisions about what they need, Richmond says. You can ask questions like:
  • Do you want to talk about it more?
  • Do you want help sharing this with other people?
• Let them know that you accept them. If your loved one feels accepted, they may be more open to talk about their experience of being demisexual.

Insider’s takeaway

Being demisexual doesn’t mean you don’t feel sexual attraction, just that your attraction can only grow after forming an emotional connection.

Just like anyone else, demisexual people can have strong relationships and rich sex lives, so long as you keep up good communication with your partner.

If someone you love is demisexual, educate yourself on the subject and offer them your support and acceptance.

By Arielle Tschinkel

Horror movies — or anything else that scares you just enough

Watching a scary flick is pretty divisive — most people either love to be scared or totally hate the feeling. But watching horror movies, with their jump scares and that telltale terrifying music, is a surefire way to get your adrenaline pumping, which can quickly boost libido, according to Inverse.

But if you’re not a horror fan, any sort of adrenaline-pumping activity can have the same effect, from hearing the sound of a sports car rev its engine to exciting date ideas like zip-lining, surfing, or going on thrill rides at your local amusement park will all work, because those feelings of fear and excitement mimic sexual arousal in the brain, according to The Telegraph.

Plus, watching a frightening flick or sitting next to your partner on a rollercoaster will no doubt invite you to cuddle up close, getting your heart racing in more ways than one.

Regularly exercise to increase your libido

There are so many benefits of regular exercise on both your body and brain, but it turns out that one surprising benefit can come in the form of a boost to your sex drive, too.

“Exercise stimulates testosterone production, which is key to a strong libido,” Holly Richmond, PhD, a somatic psychologist and AASECT certified sex therapist, told YourTango.

And it seems getting your fitness on with your partner will encourage you to do other things with your partner, too. Richmond told YourTango that “exercising with your partner is a great way to do something together that makes you feel strong, confident and, as a byproduct, sexy.”

As for what exercises are best, Richmond said, “Yoga has been shown to help combat fatigue and stress while decreasing symptoms of depression and anxiety, all of which can contribute to a low libido.” Plus, yoga is great for balance, strength, and flexibility — all things that can make you more confident in the bedroom.

But if you’re not a yogi, no sweat. Recent research claims that spin and cycle classes boost sex drive in women in particular, but just about any type of exercise helps produce those feel-good chemicals, like serotonin and dopamine, which will naturally cause you to desire more sex.

Equally strange, a 2007 study published by The Journal of Neuroscience showed that people who identify as women are aroused by the scent of a person who identifies as male’s sweat due to the spike in cortisol, the stress hormone when they catch a whiff. Sure, it might sound gross, but it’s all the more reason to grab those sneakers … and perhaps join each other for a post-workout shower.

Drink plenty of water and you’ll want to do it no time

Shahnoz Rustamova, MD, a gynecologist at Central Park Medical Practice in New York City told Prevention that dehydration can wreak havoc on your libido by causing headaches and vaginal dryness.

To know whether or not you’re consuming enough water, it’s important to take notice of the color of your pee.

“Your urine tells you a lot. If you are going to the restroom and your urine is very dark, or an apple juice color, that’s a sign that you need more water,” dietitian Andy Bellatti, MS, RD, previously told INSIDER.

If you need more water, that could be the culprit for your low sex drive.

Limiting alcohol intake can boost your sex drive

Unfortunately, staying well-hydrated doesn’t include your cocktail of choice. In fact, though a 2009 study published in The Journal of Sexual Medicine showed that moderate amounts of red wine were linked to better sexual health, it seems you’ll want to cap it at a glass or two — tops.

Getting too tipsy can make sexual performance suffer, and drinking too much on the regular can cause your libido to decline.

A study in the Indian Journal of Psychiatry found that 72% of people who identify as men with alcohol dependence experienced sexual dysfunction and the amount of alcohol consumed appeared to be the most significant predictor of developing sexual dysfunction.

Further, according to Everyday Health, because alcohol is a depressant, using it heavily can actually decrease sexual desire.

Your daily cup of coffee or tea has aphrodisiac effects

Though too much bubbly can cause your sex drive to dip, it seems that your favorite caffeinated beverages might have the opposite effect.

A 2015 study from the University of Texas Health Science Center at Houston found that males who drank two or three cups of coffee per day had reduced levels of erectile dysfunction because the slight caffeine boost helps maintain an erection.

If you prefer a cup of tea, opt for the green kind: According to Reader’s Digest, not only is it loaded in chemicals that increase energy and endurance, its calming properties will no doubt help you relax, which can get you in the mood to get busy. We’ll drink to that.

Eating more fish can boost your sex drive

There are plenty of foods that boost sex drive, but you might be surprised to know that fish is one of them.

Researchers at Harvard University interviewed 501 couples trying to conceive and asked them to track their seafood consumption, dietary habits, and sexual activity. They followed the couples for a year, or until they got pregnant.

The study found that couples who ate fish twice a week or more had sex 22% more frequently than those who didn’t. It also found that eating more fish helped the couples (who were all trying to conceive) get pregnant easier: 92% of couples who ate fish twice a week or more became pregnant, compared with 79% of the couples who ate fish less often.

Fish might be the best dinner option when you’re looking to increase your libido.

What you wear can affect your sex drive

You might not think that what you wear has anything to do with your sex drive, but the truth is that when you wear clothes that make you feel confident you’ll feel more inclined to have sex since confidence is half the battle for a lot of people.

After all, few of us feel super sexy in our ratty sweats, so picking out clothes that make you feel good in your body can only help matters.

If you really want to take things up a notch, wear red— the vibrant hue was found to make men and women appear more attractive to their partners, according to a 2008 study done by researchers at the University of Rochester.

“Red is a signal of status and power, and that turns women on,” said psychology professor Andrew J. Elliot, Ph.D., lead author of the study, who explained the phenomenon to Health magazine.

Who knew that wearing red unlocked the secret to a boost in sex appeal?

Try supplements and spices including maca, yohimbine, ginseng, and zinc to increase your sex drive

If you’re looking for natural remedies to give your sex drive a major boost, you might be surprised by just how many are out there.

From your spice rack (like saffron and nutmeg) to powders for your smoothie (including maca root and collagen) and supplements found in your drugstore (like yohimbine, zinc, and ginseng), there is no shortage of herbal options that might help in more ways than one.

Check with your doctor before adding anything into your regimen, even if it’s labeled as a natural supplement, to ensure its efficacy and safety.

Getting a raise at work can affect you in the bedroom

Turns out that making more money can make you want to get it on more often, which makes perfect sense. After all, getting a raise would put anyone in a good mood, and a 2015 study conducted by the International Journal of Manpower claimed that the higher your wage, the more sexual activity you’re interested in.

Nothing kills libido faster than being stressed out, and financial worries are one of the most serious kinds of stress, so it makes sense why feeling more financially secure might lead to more action in the bedroom. Time to check in with your boss, perhaps?

A relaxing nightly bath will put you in the mood

Your bedtime routine could be sabotaging your sex life without your even realizing it.

The good news is, taking just a little bit of time each night to unwind — in a totally non-sexual way — can bring major benefits to your, ahem, bedroom routine. By taking a relaxing nightly bath or reading a book, you’re giving yourself some serious self-care, away from the pull of devices and the glare of a screen.

When you do something that relaxes you before bed, you’ll surely feel better once you do hit the sheets, which can only lead to an increased desire for sex. It’s a win all the way around.

Watching something erotic on television can set the mood

We know we just told you that devices were a major mood killer, but there is one exception. A 2014 study showed that British couples who have a TV in their bedroom have twice as much sex than those who don’t, because the opportunity to watch something erotic together became easier, setting the mood for romance.

However, this can easily backfire, as the relationship counselor and author of the site Double Trust Dating Jonathan Bennett previously told INSIDER. He explained, “If you’re watching a romantic comedy or a show that inspires romance and passion, it could actually help.”

“But, if you’re simply watching a regular movie or show and paying close attention to the fictional characters, it can get in the way of intimately connecting with the person right beside you in bed.”

As with everything else, your mileage may vary, even when it comes to your nighttime TV preferences, so find the routine that works for you and your partner.

Get a good night’s sleep — on clean sheets

Another major part of having a high libido is all about how much sleep you get, and it turns out that poor sleep affects your sex drive in more ways than one, according to Men’s Journal.

Sleep apnea in men is directly related to an increase in erectile dysfunction and studies show that women’s sex drives increase greatly after getting a consistently solid night’s sleep.

Regularly getting enough sleep is so critical for our overall health and well-being, and sex drive is a huge part of that, so you’ll want to be sure your boudoir — including the bed itself — are as inviting as possible.

HuffPost reported that both men and women said clean sheets were a major turn on in a 2013 study because few things feel as good as getting into a freshly made bed.

As relationship expert April Masini previously told INSIDER, “Imagine you and your partner walking into a beautiful, fresh and inviting bedroom — as opposed to one in which there is laundry on the floor, clutter on the surfaces and an unmade bed with old, unattractive sheets,” she added. “And which would make you feel more like cuddling and kissing in bed? Right.”

Grab that detergent on the regular and your libido will thank you.