Let’s backtrack. One of my biggest fears has always been the thought of the person I’m closest to cheating on me. I think that’s fairly common. But I started noticing that when I had my “intimate” moments with myself (read: masturbation), the thought that got me off the most was picturing my partner having sex with someone else. I was never directly involved in any of these fantasies. But good lord, was I turned on. It seemed like such a crazy extreme: How could my biggest real-life insecurity also be my biggest fantasy turn-on?

I decided to have an open, honest conversation with my partner about all of this. (Bold, I know.) It turns out, what started as an internal struggle was able to blossom into one of the most fulfilling physical relationships I’ve ever had.

He was into it! Not only that, it was a secret fantasy of his, as well. A match made in Caligula’s palace?

“So many people and couples come in [to my office] and say that this is something they’re interested in,” says Dr. Holly Richmond, somatic psychologist and AASECT Certified sex therapist. “They feel like they’re weird or super kinky. It’s a pretty normal experience that a lot of people look for.”

Step one in exploring our shared fantasy was having the conversation and affirming that we really did want to please each other sexually as best we could. But even though we were both turned on by the thought of us sleeping with other people, we didn’t jump right into cuckolding, threesomes, or orgies. There has to be a natural progression because, at the end of the day, turning fantasy into reality isn’t as simple as phoning up your five most attractive friends and asking them to have sex with your partner.

So we had a long, long talk about why we liked the idea of watching the other person have sex, but we also discussed why the idea freaked us out.

Why I liked the idea

It’s simple. I like the idea that someone else finds my partner sexy. I like the idea that my partner can turn other women on, and I want to see that. It’s pure validation. I also like when my partner is turned on. I used to think that I was the only one allowed to get him aroused. But that notion is a fantasy itself. We are humans. We have eyes. We will find other people attractive, so instead of pretending it doesn’t exist, I decided to embrace it.

“Part of this is evolutionary biology. It’s very ‘he’s mine, she’s mine.’ Possessiveness is all about procreation,” says Dr. Richmond. “When we challenge that and get to feel that jealousy, there’s a tinge of eroticism to it.”

“We can’t discount the power of voyeurism,” she adds. “This is why porn does so well. We love to watch other people have sex.”

Why the idea freaked me out

What if I saw that he was more turned on by someone else? What if his sex with someone else was different from our sex? What if it made me look at him in a different way and we couldn’t recover? All of these things made me nervous, but the more we talked about our fantasy, the more normal the idea became, and the more excited we were to explore it.

“When people learn about their [partner’s] erotic preferences and accept them, it becomes another part that is introduced and has to be fallen in love with,” says Doug Braun-Harvey, sexual health author, trainer and psychotherapist. “We’re living in an era now when this is a new relationship skill that is really an important one for long-term couples.”

So my partner sent me a short video he took of himself and his ex-girlfriend. I braced myself, took a deep breath, and pressed play.

And my whole world changed. In the best way possible. It was one of the sexiest things I have ever seen. I absolutely loved watching it, from the way they sounded, to the way her face looked, to the way his face looked…every angle. It was hotter than any porn I’ve ever watched. And it’s all because I was emotionally invested. I know how having sex with him feels, so I could imagine how she was feeling. I know how he sounds when he’s turned on, so hearing him make those sounds turned me on. It was all a swirl of sexy imagery and erotic sounds and I knew that our sex would never be the same. But, again, in a good way.

As cheesy as it sounds, the best part of the whole experience was how close he and I became, because you have to be incredibly honest with each other to take a sexual relationship to this level. Not only did we have to talk about it beforehand, we had to check in during and after. It showed me that my feelings and levels of comfort were of the utmost important to him, because he kept asking me how I felt during the whole experience. It showed me that we can do things sexually as a team, and that he values my sexuality and sexual preferences. When we take sex to this place, it feels like a safe space. It feels like we are having an adventure together. That, I discovered, was the line between jealousy and eroticism. Betrayal and lying equals losing the foundation. Being sexual with someone else, as long as it’s communicated about and we’re doing it as a team, solidifies us.

“The reason this works is when a foundation is solid,” Dr. Richmond says. “When the foundation is rocky and a couple is insecure and they think that this will save the relationship, I do not recommend this. You need a base.”

Ultimately we decided that videos is where we want to draw the line. For now. Threesomes or cuckolding may be on the agenda down the road. Forever is a really long time, and you have to have a place to grow with your sexuality, not max out in the beginning. But for where we are as a couple in this moment, discovering this side of our sexuality has reinvigorated our sex life, drawn us closer together, and has eliminated many insecurities that have haunted us.

After doing some research and speaking with other couples and professionals, it seems like we’re actually not as wild and outlandish as we thought. This is a common fantasy, and one we should be talking about and normalizing. Why? Because if it’s consensual and no one gets hurt, who cares? Sex is about owning what turns you on and having the confidence to ask for it—not defend it. ENJOY.

“So much of sexuality still lives in cultural shadows,” says Dr. Richmond. “That is changing, but not fast enough. Just own what you like and figure it out.”

Specifically, you get “Camp Lovehoney,” a two-day glamping retreat for editors and educators to talk about sex (baby), organized by the UK-based sex toy retailer Lovehoney. A lineup of qualified sexperts gave presentations on amplifying orgasms through the Kivin Method and edging; the fine art of anal play; embracing your kinks and fetishes; and achieving sexual happiness. Reps from Lovehoney also showed off the latest toys in their arsenal, including a “strapless strap-on” that’s perfect for pegging enthusiasts—more on that later.

Here are five juicy sex tips straight outta Camp Lovehoney.

A new twist on the Kivin Method

You might be familiar with the Kivin Method, AKA sideways cunnilingus. The idea is for the giver of oral sex to lie perpendicular to the receiver, so they can stimulate the clitoris with side-to-side tongue action, instead of the usual up-and-down. We may not know where the legendary move got its name, but we do know that the Kivin Method feels awesome.

If you’re lying at a 90-degree angle to your partner, you may notice it’s hard to reach your target with their leg in the way. So here’s a tip from Lovehoney sexpert Annabelle Knight: have your partner lift whichever leg is closest to you, and hook it over your shoulders—that should give you easier access. (And as Dr. Holly Richmond, psychologist and certified sex therapist, previously told Men’s Health, you should try going at it from both sides; most vagina owners have one side of the clitoris that’s more sensitive than the other.)

Why your partner might like a butt plug, too.

Butt plugs feel really good for you—but did you know they can make sex more pleasurable for people with vaginas, too? First off, the anus itself has a ton of nerve endings. But as b-Vibe founder Alicia Sinclair explained, inserting a plug can also increase that feeling of “fullness” during penetration—and potentially help apply pressure to those pleasure centers inside the vagina. (Time to read up on the A-spot, folks.)

As with all forms of butt stuff, be sure to use toys with a flared base; start small and work your way up; and please, for the love of all things holy, use lube.

How to discover your shared kinks

This tip from sexual health expert Francisco Ramirez is basically genius. If you and a partner are trying to identify the kinks that turn you both on the most, use a word cloud.

Let’s say you two have been sexting, or writing each other sexy emails; copy all the stuff you’ve ever written to each other, and paste it into a free online word cloud generator, like this one. It’ll help you see the words and topics that come up most frequently—maybe you mention spanking way more than you realized!—and provide a road map for future dirty talk, role play, or some other kind of experimentation.

Sex pillows make hooking up more accessible.

We all have different-sized and differently-abled bodies. It’s cool. To help you pull off all the sexy things you want to try in the bedroom (or wherever you like to get it on), clinical social worker Sonalee Rashatwar recommended investing in a sex pillow, such as the Liberator Sex Position Wedge. (For tips on making the most of your sex pillow—and other kinds of orgasmic sex furniture—click here.)

There’s such a thing as a strapless strap-on.

Pegging is great, but it can be tricky for the giver to get stimulation out of it—well, besides being turned on by the role reversal and sexy view. But sure enough, there’s a sex toy for that: the Happy Rabbit strapless strap-on, which is basically a dildo and a rabbit vibrator all in one hands-free package. Damn. The future is now.

But is it really that drastic? Does being someone’s friend mean you can never be anything more? We asked a few relationship experts to talk us through the best way to climb out of the friend zone, and if that’s even possible. Good news: All hope is not lost.

First, what exactly is the friend zone?

Although the Urban Dictionary definition marks the friend zone as a bleak situation in which one person wants to be in a relationship and the other doesn’t, that’s not the only way the friend zone works.

Darcy Sterling, PhD, a therapist who works with couples in New York (and currently Tinder’s resident relationship expert), defines the friend zone differently. “The friend zone is when you have a romantic interest in your friend, and you’re unsure if they feel the same way,” she tells Men’s Health. With her definition, there’s uncertainty and therefore room for progress.

Based on conversations she’s had with her clients, Holly Richmond, PhD, a sex therapist with offices in New Jersey, California, and Oregon, gives a similar definition. Many of the men who bring up the friend zone in her office describe it as a feeling. They think that their romantic interest doesn’t want to be anything more than friends, but they don’t actually know.

Is it possible to get out of the friend zone?

Whether or not you can get out of the friend zone depends completely on the type of friend zone you’re in. If it’s the first type—you want to be more than friends but you know without a doubt that the object of your affection does not want to date you—then it’s time to give up. They’ve already told you that they don’t have feelings for you, and it would be disrespectful to try to push yourself on them. “If someone has told you that they don’t have romantic feelings for you, respect their boundaries,” Darcy says. “Don’t flirt. Don’t touch them. Don’t make sexual innuendos. Don’t have unrealistic expectations.”

But if you’re in friend zone type two—you want a romantic and/or sexual relationship and you assume your friend doesn’t, but haven’t actually confirmed—there may be a chance of getting out. The key here is that you don’t know what the other person is feeling (so there’s the possibility that also have feelings for you but haven’t expressed them).

How do I get out of the friend zone?

If you’re in friend zone type two, the best and easiest way to figure out if your friend wants to be more-than-friends is to ask. Direct communication is the best communication. Sure, you can try to suss out your pal’s true feelings by reading up on “signs that they like you” and doing some detective work. But that’s not nearly as effective or foolproof as being honest about how you feel, and asking how they feel. But the way you ask matters.

For men who date women, it’s important to remember the expectations that have shaped most women’s lives. “Women are taught to be nice, and to be good girls, and not hurt anyone’s feelings,” Richmond says. “To be put in the position where you know your male friend wants more can be nerve wracking for women.” So it’s important to frame your question in a way that lets her be honest. “Lead the question with ‘I’m curious’ so it leads the woman off the defensive,” Richmond suggests.

A lot of times she sees men who get ghosted because they were too demanding and the woman they wanted to date didn’t know how to handle the situation. “He didn’t do anything wrong, she just didn’t want what he wants and she didn’t have the right words to let him know,” she says. So instead of saying, “I want more. What do you want?”—which is demanding and may make a woman feel like she’s not allowed to say no—say something like, “I’m curious if you’re interested in more than friendship.”

You don’t have to say exactly that, but Dr. Richmond recommends a gentle approach that considers your friend’s feelings. It’s even a good idea to tell her/him/them that it’s okay for the answer to be no. You can say, “I would love to take this further with you, is that something you’re interested in? If no is the answer that’s totally fine.” That way, your friend knows that they’re not going to hurt your feelings and you’re not demanding anything of them—you just want to make everyone’s feelings clear.

Sometimes, the (assumed) friend-zoner actually will have romantic feelings for the friend-zonee. And that’s amazing—but sometimes, they won’t. And if you find yourself facing a “no,” you need to respect that answer.

How do I deal with being in the friend zone?

We don’t exactly have statistics on what percentage of attempts to leave the friend zone fail (note that “fail” is a strong word, because hey, at least you had the guts to try), but it’s fair to assume that a bunch of guys will face this kind of rejection.

If you’re one of them, the first thing to do is to remember that it’s not personal. There are all kinds of reasons people are romantically attracted to certain people but not others. And if this person still wants to be your friend, then you’re clearly still important to them. “Remember that you’re not the first person to go through this,” Darcy says. “Take some time to yourself and recharge. It’s okay if you need a break.”

During that break, ask yourself how important it is to you to keep the friendship—and whether or not you can truly continue being friends with this person—without resentment and without torturing yourself. “If you’re unable to return to the friendship in a platonic way, don’t return,” Darcy says.

It’s unfortunate, but having this conversation will sometimes ruin the friendship. Still, it’s better for everyone to air your feelings. If you never say anything, it can be agonizing, Richmond says. It may be worth losing a friend in order to have an answer (good or bad) about whether or not you could have made a relationship work.

No matter whether you keep the friendship or not, a good way to get over the hurt is to recognize the opportunities knowing that this person will truly never be more than a friend opens for you. “It will free him up to go out and find a romantic and sexual relationship that has the potential to be gratifying rather than frustrating,” Paul Hokemeyer, PhD, a marriage and family therapist in New York, told SELF. Sure, it was a hard conversation to have, but now you can stop wondering “what if” and start looking for someone who wants you back.

How do I avoid being put in the friend zone in the first place?

Of course, the absolute best way to get out of the friend zone is to have never been in it. And again, managing that takes direct communication. “When you first meet someone, you oftentimes have a window of opportunity to make your feelings known,” Darcy says. “If you hesitate or freeze you could be relegated to the friend zone.”

It’s hard to be so direct about your feelings, because it means being vulnerable. But if you know you have romantic and/or sexual feelings for someone, embracing your vulnerability to make your feelings clear is your best strategy for avoiding a friend zone situation.

When you first meet a person and know you want a relationship or sex—all of those more than friendly things—ask what they’re looking for. Straight up say, “Are you interested in dating?” Richmond suggests. (You can also switch “dating” for “sex,” depending on what you want). Then, listen to what the person says. If it’s a no, it’s a no. If it’s a yes, then good for you. No matter what, you’ve avoided some major confusion down the road.

By Meagan Drillinger

April was probably the worst month of my life. Nay, definitely the worst month of my life. I ended a three-year relationship with the man I was fairly certain I was going to marry. And while the breakup was likely “for the best” (or so friends and family assured me), it certainly felt like the absolute, rock bottom, kick-you-in-the-face, worst shit-show debacle of my life so far. But sure, somewhere in there, I’m sure it was “for the best.”

Everything about ending a relationship is difficult. There’s the anxious build-up, the actual gut-wrenching conversation, and then the fallout with the exchanging of the things and the returning of the keys and all the other mind-f***ing events that remind you this person you were once happy with is no longer in your life.

And when your friends try to be helpful, the only thing they can say is, “It gets better with time.”

As much as it sucks to hear, it’s true that time is the only cure for heartache. That said, there are some very proactive things you can do to help pass the elusive amount of time—The Journal of Positive Psychology says 11 weeks; I say bullshit—until you are, in fact, actually “over it.”

Here are some tips on how to get over an ex.

You have to grieve

Before we jump in with the practical advice, remember that breakups really are a grieving process. Someone was in your life in a very intense and intimate way, and suddenly they are not. It’s not dissimilar to a death, so taking time to process it as a loss is completely normal. Don’t rush the process, even if it takes more than the so-called allotted 11 weeks.

Remove all Triggers

“Change the photos on your home and lock screen on your phone and laptop if they are [of] the two of you,” says Dr. Holly Richmond, somatic psychologist, marriage & family therapist, and AASECT Certified sex therapist. “Don’t visit the bar, restaurant, park, or any other place that you considered ‘your place’ for several months.”

For at least the time being, it’s better to remove any trigger that will push you over into nostalgia and longing, which you are already going to be feeling. You don’t need a physical reminder.

Decide if social media is still a good idea

Sometimes the decision to “Remove Friend” or “Unfollow” is fraught with even more anxiety than the actual breakup itself. It might seem dramatic or extreme, but following your ex on social media can be a crutch, and can also be an easy way for you to fall into a black hole of cyber-stalking, which can lead to misunderstandings and hurt feelings (Case in point: “Umm….who is THAT?!”). Strongly consider removing your ex from your social media.

“This is a very personal decision,” says Richmond. “Some people are happy to see their partner moving forward and the new life they are creating, but for others it’s nothing less than torture, provoking jealousy, and regret.”

Purge the Negativity

After my breakup, I had a lot of feelings. They spanned the entire spectrum from happy memories to gut-wrenching depression to mind maddening rage. Your ex does not need to hear these feelings. They are yours to process and unloading them on your ex is no way to move on.

Instead, try writing out all the feelings. Write a letter to your ex and say exactly how you feel, what you needed, what you could have done better…say anything. Say it all. But do not, for the love of god, actually send it.

Reconnect with Yourself

After the purging of the negativity, it’s time to take a look around at what you have left. And let’s be real—you have a LOT left. Now is your time. You spent a long time being in a partnership and having to compromise and consider someone else’s feelings and time.

Now you don’t.

I don’t mean that to sound so negative. While it might be easy to get hung up on the loneliness factor, you should try to focus on the freedom factor. Now is your time to do anything you want to do before but couldn’t, because it didn’t benefit the relationship.

For me, Bali was the ultimate place in my mind to go with a partner, but that wasn’t possible in my most recent relationship. So after the grieving process and the purging of the negativity, the first thing I did was buy a plane ticket to Bali for the new year. Let’s face it: We’re not getting any younger. Why wait?

Ask for Help

Remember that breakups are just damn hard. There’s no way around that. So if you’re finding it’s tougher than you expected, there’s nothing wrong with asking for help. Your friends are there to listen. Use them. And if you need to take it a step further, there’s no shame in seeking professional help from a therapist.

Talking it out and hearing how those around you survived their colossal heartaches—because they’ve certainly have had them—will help put your own pain into perspective.

Change the Perspective

One of the most liberating ways to get over an ex is to try to change the perspective. Reassess the challenges, as well as the gifts.

“One of the best pieces of advice I remember hearing was from the impeccably, wittily sharp—and sardonic—Dan Savage on the Savage Love Cast,” says Richmond. “He said, ‘Every relationship you ever have will end, until one doesn’t.’ This perspective offers a new lens about our growing process.”

Richmond recommends trying to view this relationship as a necessary step in your own personal growth, and the growth of your partner.

“It forces us to reconsider our internal story, that berating narrative in our head, of failed relationships,” she says. “For many of my clients, they realize the relationship didn’t fail, it just ended. The end was necessary and healthier than staying together. It ended to offer them a chance to do things differently next time.”

By Meagan Drillinger

People love naming things when it comes to sex: positions, orientation, kinks. And that can be a good thing, because it helps people communicate exactly what they’re looking for in bed.

Allow us to introduce the Kivin Method, AKA sideways cunnilingus, AKA something women have loved for a long time, and because it now has a name, is easier to talk about and ask for. Simply put, the Kivin Method is going down on your lady from the side — and, spoiler alert, it feels awesome.

“I was actually unaware that this had a name, but have been prescribing it to my couples’ clients who are looking to spice up their sex lives for a long time,” says Dr. Holly Richmond, psychologist and certified sex therapist. “Side lying cunnilingus is nothing new. If it makes it easier for us to talk about, that’s fantastic.”

If a quick Google search is any indication, the Kivin Method allegedly allows women to achieve orgasm faster — though arguably, faster orgasms shouldn’t be the ultimate goal of sex. An even better way to describe the benefits of the Kivin Method is that her orgasms will be stronger.

Who is Kivin, anyway?

Great question. The actual reason why the technique has been dubbed the Kivin Method is shrouded in mystery. Who is sex master Kivin? There are mentions of it in a 2003 Atlantic story, as well as on various sex websites, but so far we have yet to produce the birth certificate of Mr. Kivin, and have no idea where or how he conducted his research.

Okay, great, now tell me how to do the Kivin Method.

Now that you know a lot of women love it, we’ll tell you how to do it. The person giving the oral will be lying sideways, while the person receiving is on her back. Either side is fine, or, if you’re up for it, Richmond recommends trying both, since women almost always have more sensitivity on one side of their clit than the other.

Lying sideways allows your tongue to sweep across her clit and clitoral hood while applying pressure to the area between her vaginal opening and anus, AKA, the taint. “Just like with men, when a woman is nearing and reaching orgasm, you can feel pulsations in this area,” Richmond says. For many men, this is the green light that lets them know, “Hey, nice job.”

The Pleasure Mechanics podcast did an episode on the Kivin Method, in which they offered some tips for performing it. They recommend using a back-and-forth tongue stroke over the hood of the clitoris. When you partner is around, place your middle finger on the taint, AKA the “C point.” Here is where you’ll start to feel those pre-orgasmic pulsations. “Your finger doesn’t move at all,” Pleasure Mechanics says. “It stays still, because if you do move your finger, you may move her concentration from the clitoral hood to the perineum.”

The key here is reading her body to maintain tongue placement. And once you get going, it’s important to not stop — even after she climaxes. Stimulation after the initial orgasm can be incredibly intense and satisfying.

Some couples mix it up by having the woman on her back with her legs to her chest, and the man uses his arm to keep them pushed back. This is good if your partner prefers to be widely spread. Some women prefer to have their legs closer together, so the clit moves against the labia.

Is the Kivin Method the Holy Grail of oral sex?

“What I love about this position is that it is novel for many couples, and brings a new sensation to oral sex,” Richmond says, adding that most women report that it feels pleasurable, and that their partners have a full, sexy view, as well.

That said, “Every woman, every clitoris is unique, and for some this position creates too much sensitivity. Open communication is key to great sex, whichever positions you choose.”

By Isadora Baum

You’ve probably heard of barre, a ballet-inspired workout that blends Pilates, dance, yoga, and technique driven exercises that focus on strengthening small muscles you may neglect in other types of training. But many guys have zero interest in trying a barre workout, thinking it’s exclusively reserved for women.

Think again, though, because you can totally benefit from taking barre. Not only will it build lean muscle, but it also may be able to improve your sex life. Which makes sense, when you think about it: the pulsing, tucking, and holding motions that are key to barre also work out the pelvic floor muscles, which are key to orgasm.

What is barre?

Barre class is basically a mixture of ballet, pilates, and yoga. It mostly focuses on the lower body, such as the thighs, gluteal muscles, and legs, as well as the core. Most exercises are done at the bar.

“In comparison to strength training, which focuses on improving more massive movements (e.g., squatting), barre works toward enhancing smaller, ‘isometric’ movements,” says clinical sexologist Dr. Damian Jacob Sendler.

Those “isometric” movements are a form of strength training in which you apply tension without contracting the muscles — and they can lead to greater gains in the bedroom. Here’s the low-down on barre and why you should sign up ASAP. Leggings are optional.

1) It improves your circulation and increases the strength of your erections.

It’s no secret that ballet dancers are in really, really good shape. “In one classic study from the 1980s of a group of professional ballet dancers, barre exercises increased the amount of calories burned, improved normal oxygenation of the heart muscle, and improved core strength of the leg muscles,” he says.

Improved oxygenation allows the brain and heart to work better together and utilize oxygen more effectively, he says. And that plays a role in “driving greater sexual performance in attaining and maintaining an erection for more extended periods of time,” he adds.

Better circulation = more blood flow to the penis. “Blood plays the central role in causing penile engorgement, so healthy flow of the blood into penile tissue ensures successful erection,” he explains.

2) You have more stamina and can hold positions for longer.

You’ll get your heart rate up with each pulse and hold, which helps to build endurance in general. “This may be air squats, lunges or holding a plank posture for 1-3 minutes,” says Dr. Holly Richmond, also a clinical sexologist. “Improved cardio means increased stamina in the bedroom—you can have more sex and for a longer duration,” she says. (And hey, that’s the dream, right?)

3) You become more flexible.

Greater range of motion and flexibility is another key feature of barre workouts. “Being flexible allows you to get into and hold various and more challenging sexual positions,” says Richmond. You can get deeper, spread your legs wider, and bend with ease. So, if you’ve been tempted to try a few “advanced” sex positions, barre might just help you get there.

4) You’ll have stronger orgasms.

“Perhaps most specific to barre workouts—and one of the reasons I chose them after I had my children—is how effective they are for strengthening the pelvic floor,” says Richmond.

This benefit isn’t just specific to women. Research backs this up, indicating that weak pelvic floor muscles are associated with erectile dysfunction.

Many barre exercises utilize squeezing, pulsing, thrusting and holding of the muscles in the glutes and hips, which strengths those crucial pelvic muscles, Richmond says. To really reap the benefits, you can also throw kegel exercises into the mix while you’re working out.

“Essentially, you just have to squeeze your pelvic floor like you are trying to stop peeing with every isometric barre pulse. After 4-6 months of barre workouts, most of my patients (men and women alike) report stronger orgasms,” Richmond says.

By Meagan Drillinger

Have you ever been in bed with your partner and they just can’t, well, finish? Or, even worse, you strongly suspect they’re faking it? It seems nothing is as big a blow to a guy’s self-esteem as failing to get someone off.

But we’re going to let you in on a little secret: sex is… wait for it… about more than just orgasms. Even though our culture tends to view orgasm as the be-all end-all of sex, really, really good sex is not about the destination — it’s about the journey.

Enter edging.

What is edging?

Edging is essentially the ultimate tease: it’s taking you right to the “edge” of orgasm, then stopping, resting, and repeating. “Edging can be a personal practice and also a therapeutic tool,” says Dr. Holly Richmond, psychologist and licensed sex therapist. “What it is is stroking the penis like you might normally during masturbation, but slower and more mindfully.”

The term “mindful” is key here. These days, mindfulness is a buzzword used to describe everything, from our overall wellness to our diets to how we design our apartments and our closets. Mindfulness extends to sex as well, and edging is just one example of a way that people are looking to have orgasms with intent.

In short, edging is about reducing performance anxiety and paying attention to what you’re doing right now. “The focus is not on the orgasm,” Richmond says, “but pleasure in the moment.”

Wait, seriously? You want me to delay my orgasm? Uh, why would I do that?

OK, hear us out for a second.

“Viewing sex as all about the orgasm is a response to a lot of the media we have out there, from pornography to mainstream television” says Stephanie Alys, founder and CEO of the sex toy company MysteryVibe. “[People] always refer to sex as penetration. But that definition of sex can be very limiting.”

For starters, emphasizing orgasm over everything else is a pretty heteronormative view of sex (meaning that it’s restricted to penis-in-vagina intercourse — and guess what, not everyone has sex that way.) It also ignores the crucial fact that sex is pretty fun overall — and that applies to the moments leading up to orgasm as well.

“If men don’t have an orgasm, they call 911 and think the world is coming to an end,” says Richmond. “[But] sex can just be about pleasure, and not that great prize at the end. Edging is a fantastic tool to get men out of their heads and into their bodies.”

“The focus is not on the orgasm, but pleasure in the moment.”

Edging serves a few different purposes. As a training tool, you can try it by yourself to help build up sexual stamina and endurance, which will ultimately lead to stronger and better orgasms. This is particularly helpful if you’re one of the 20-30% of men who struggle with premature ejaculation.

If you want to learn how to last longer in bed, Richmond suggests practicing edging on your own. Rate your pleasure on a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being “going over the edge to orgasm,” says Richmond. “On Day 1, stroke yourself, or have your partner stroke you, until you reach a 4, and bring yourself down. Let your penis be flaccid for 30 seconds, or a minute, and then go again.” The Fleshlight Stamina Training Unit ($69.95) can be used to practice edging solo; the Pulse III Solo by Hot Octopuss ($119) is another, slightly flashier, higher-tech option.

You can also use edging as a form of foreplay. If your partner is giving you oral sex or stroking your penis, tell them to stop and start at their discretion. Giving your partner the power to control your orgasm can be incredibly hot, both for them and for you. “It’s a perfect balance between being in control, and relinquishing that control to be in the moment,” Richmond says.

Should I try edging?

Even if you don’t struggle with premature ejaculation, edging can yield some serious benefits. It helps you become more acquainted with your own body and desires, and it can be a major turn-on for your partner as well.

“Creating a connection is something couples don’t do much these days,” says Alys. “Edging is a really great practice that we encourage, and being able to take control of your partner’s experience and pleasure can create exciting, connected, mindful sessions of pleasure.”

By Isadora Baum

According to a 2015 study, the average penis length is 5.16 inches. If your penis falls short of that benchmark, then you are statistically on the smaller than average side. But never fear: for most ladies, that’s not a dealbreaker. In fact, most studies have shown that women don’t care that much about penis size in the first place. To quote the old adage, it’s not the size of the wave, but the motion of the ocean that matters.

Nonetheless, if you are smaller than average, you still might feel insecure about it. “Some men make the mistake of comparing themselves to porn stars—the Olympic athletes of sex—and that just isn’t realistic,” says Holly Richmond, PhD, Somatic Psychologist, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, and AASECT Certified Sex Therapist. “In my therapeutic experience, most women do not talk about wanting a man with a big penis. They talk about wanting a man who is good in bed. That means someone who is communicative, takes his time and is attentive to her needs.”

What’s more, if you know how to work it, you can use your smaller penis to your advantage. “Anecdotally, I’ve actually heard that men with small penises are better in bed because they make more of an effort,” Richmond says.

If you happen to be a little less than well-endowed, here are 6 sex positions to get the most bang for your buck (pun very much intended).

Doggie Style

If you have a small penis, “as a general rule, you want to go for any position that facilitates deep penetration, so that you can utilize the entire length of your shaft,” says Richmond. That’s why doggie style is a great option. “It’s not too complicated, gives you a great rear view, and you can reach around to provide her with extra clitoral stimulation. You control the speed and pattern of your thrusts for maximum penetration and pleasure,” says Richmond.

Elevated Reverse Cowgirl

Elevated reverse cowgirl is just a simple variation on the classic reverse cowgirl. “To maximize penetration, place a pillow under your hips,” Richmond says. “So you’re laying on the bed or floor and she’s sitting on you facing away.” Why does this work? “The extra elevation in your hips will make the experience feel deeper to her,” she adds.

Splitting Bamboo

This one is great because it allows you to use your partner’s leg as leverage. “Have your partner lie on floor with one leg extended straight. Kneel between her legs and raise her other leg straight up so it’s resting on your shoulder. Keep ahold of her leg as you enter, and use it to push and pull on as you thrust in and out,” says Richmond.

Side Cowgirl

“Sit on the side of a couch and have your partner sit on you, but with her legs facing either right or left rather than straight ahead. This will cause her hips to drop slightly more than in normal cowgirl, and give you the extra penetration you’re looking for,” Richmond suggests. You can either use your hands to lift her hips up and down, or, if you’re sitting down low enough, she can use her feet to push off the floor to create momentum.

Pile Driver

“This is perhaps the most maximum penetration position out there. Have your partner lie on her back and pull her knees up to her chest and roll back so her hips lift off the floor. Then, you do a squat with your knees moving outside of hers,” she says. It’s an awesome position because her hips are elevated and you can control the force of your thrusts. To ensure her comfort, make sure to do it on a carpeted floor or couch.

Super Girl

Have her lie on the bed on her stomach with her feet squeezed tightly together, like Supergirl flying through the sky (hands out in front is optional). “Lie on her back and enter from behind. Because her hips are in a position that’s more closed than open, there will be greater friction created on her vaginal walls,” says Richmond. The tighter she squeezes her legs, the more friction and pleasure you’ll both feel. And if you want to turn this into superhero role-play, all the better.

By Isadora Baum

We’re not saying you should try these at the gym. But if you have these lying around at home, it couldn’t hurt to try ’em out in private.

No one talks about it, but it’s actually pretty normal to get sexually aroused at the gym. After all, when you exercise, your body releases endorphins, a.k.a. feel-good hormones; and when you’re looking at other sexy, sweaty bodies on the treadmills, it’s hard not to feel a little turned on. But while it’s obviously not a good idea to actually have sex at the gym (there are, ya know, laws against that), it might not be such a bad idea to bring the gym into your bedroom.

What do we mean by this? As it turns out, you can easily (and safely) incorporate exercise equipment into your sex life, says licensed marriage and family therapist and AASECT certified sex expert, Dr. Holly Richmond, PhD. While heavy equipment like barbells or kettlebells is obviously off the table (save it for a CrossFit workout), there are probably a few things lying around the house that you could use to spice up your sex life instantly. That’s why we asked Richmond to recommend her favorite sex positions using gym equipment, so you can break a sweat in more ways than one.

1| The Wheelbarrow And Reverse Wheelbarrow

“Using a TRX band is a great way to try the wheelbarrow position with two variations,” Dr. Richmond says. What’s that? “Imagine your partner in a plank position, but her feet are in the foot cradles and suspended by the bands. Then, kneel behind without needing to support her legs, and instead use your hands to guide her hips back and forth. It’s kind of like wheelbarrow meets doggy style,” she adds.

Another option: your partner can get in reverse plank with her feet in the foot cradles and her legs suspended, which would give you full access to her breasts and clitoris, she says.

“Both of these positions are also perfect for her to receive oral sex (and she gets a great core and arm workout!),” Dr. Richmond adds. You can also keep her legs close together for more friction, or spread them apart to achieve deeper penetration, she adds.

2| The Christian Grey

If you’re on the kinkier side, TRX bands are also great for those who want to experiment with being tied up. TRX bands are incredibly safe, says Dr. Richmond. “At no point is anyone ever completely off the floor (her hands are always grounded) so there is no risk of falling,” she explains.

Using TRX bands to tie your partner up, or have your partner tie you up, “can bring a level of intimacy and excitement to any relationship looking to explore the sensual world of BDSM,” says Jaclinne Cheng, a kink expert and CEO and founder of Spicy Lingerie. Just make sure to set boundaries and get enthusiastic consent from your partner beforehand. “Setting up the proper safeguards beforehand is one of the most important parts of making any scene fun and enjoyable for everyone involved,” she says.

You should also do your research before trying any intricate knot tying (and no, that doesn’t mean consulting with a Boy Scout). “It’s always helpful to learn from professional doms or BDSM masters, who can help guide you and your partner to make sure any knots you are wanting to try are done in the most safe way possible for both of you,” Chengs adds.

3| The Ab Ripper

If you’re looking for more beyond wheelbarrow, Dr. Richmond has a few other tips. “TRX bands are also ideal for doing pike abdominal exercises, which translate to an incredibly sexy visual,” she says. Your partner would start out in a traditional plank position with feet in the foot cradles, but then use her core and pelvic floor muscles to push her hips toward the ceiling and bring her feet towards her hands in a V shape,” says Dr. Richmond.

4| Girl On Top Using A Stability Ball

“Stability balls are perfect for exciting and safe sex positions, but they are also one of the most unstable pieces of gym equipment, which makes falling to the floor more probable,” says Dr. Richmond. Don’t worry, though — “there isn’t far to fall and they are soft and malleable, so the risk of banging your head or knee is nonexistent,” says Dr. Richmond.

To ease your way into sex escapades with stability balls, start with girl on top, she advises. Basically, you sit on the ball and she climbs on top. “Both partners are able to use their feet to create momentum,” she says, where the ball helps increase his thrust, and then they can literally bounce across the floor.

5| Crescent Pose

“Stability balls are also amazing for what I like to call the ‘Crescent’ position,” says Dr. Richmond. “She lies with her back on the ball and drapes or backbends over it to create a crescent shape. From there, he can stand and enter her or kneel and perform oral sex. It’s an amazingly opening position for her, from the tips of her fingers to her toes.”

6| The Bouncy-Bouncy

What’s more, stability balls are also a novel way for guys to receive oral sex. “He sits on the ball while she kneels between his legs, and he can use his feet to rock the ball back and forth at the pace and depth of thrust he desires,” she explains.

7| The Tour De France

Biking is a killer workout, but your stationary bike doesn’t just have to be for exercise. As long as you’re careful and the bike is stable, says Dr. Richmond, you can get frisky on it, though she notes “it is possible to fall a foot or two and the equipment itself is hard,” she explains. She recommends you sitting on the bike seat while she sits on top of you, leaning back with her hands or elbows on the display/handle bar area.

“This gives you a great view of her breasts,” she says. Plus, if you’re pedaling, “the friction creates a novel sensation both internally and clitorally for her,” she says.

8| The Yogi

The tried and true yoga mat is good for almost any position you can imagine. “My favorite yoga posture that translates into a sex position is ‘Happy Baby,’ with her laying on her back on the floor with her feet in her hands and knees pulled toward her chest as he kneels or lies on his stomach in front of her to offer oral sex,” says Dr. Richmond.

Easy access and the comfort of a soft and non-slippery yoga mat make for an exciting experience, she says. (Just give it a thorough wash before and after, because yoga mats are filled with germs.)

9| The Hot Seat

Got a foam roller handy? (If not, here are a few foam rollers to try out.) Dr. Richmond says you can sit on the foam roller (both legs to one side, not straddling it) while she sits on top of you with her back to your chest. This way, you’ll have some leverage off the floor to then use your feet to roll back and forth for a deeper penetration.

“She can keep her feet lifted off the floor (literally using him as a seat), or place her feet on the floor between his legs and move up and down on his penis while he rolls back and forth, creating even more pleasure,” explains Dr. Richmond. The options are endless.

If you’re looking to up the ante between the sheets, here are a few tips on how to spice it up to suit your tastes, while at the same time making sure she feels safe and comfortable.

1) Make Her Feel Sexy.

It might go without saying, but let’s say it anyway. If you want your lady to do sexy things, you have to make her feel sexy. Chances are you already feel like she’s incredibly sexy, but a little compliment goes a long way. The sexier and more empowered she feels, the more likely she’ll be confident enough to try new things. (And for tips on what you actually should be trying, check out 7 things women wish you knew about sex.)

“Compliment her butt, her breasts, her hair, her eyes — all of the specific areas of her body you love. Of course she is so much more than her glorious body parts, but if you want more adventurous sex, keep the talk unabashedly sexy,” says Holly Richmond, somatic psychologist.

2) Pace Yourself.

Jumping right in and telling your girlfriend you’re super interested in trying butt stuff will almost certainly scare her off. If your girlfriend is used to vanilla sex, or has expressed shyness in trying new things, you can’t push her into the deep end without a life jacket. The more confident she feels at each level, the more likely it is that you’ll get to whatever glorious new sex tip or couples’ sex toy you’d like to try.

“Go slow and communicate with your partner about what you both are thinking, feeling, and doing. It is essential that you both have open dialogue as any new sexual activity is put on the table,” says Daniel Lebowitz, a sex therapist with The Intimacy Institute. “I oftentimes recommend that a couple talk about a fantasy of theirs, playing it out verbally before trying to make it happen in real life. That way, you can find any roadblocks or topics of discomfort before they actually happen. Concern for your partner and the relationship are indispensable to building trust and safety when exploring sexually.”

3) Tell Her What You Already Like (Emphatically).

There’s a chance that if you suggest new moves in the bedroom, your girlfriend might take it to mean that you aren’t satisfied with what you are already doing. Even if that is true, you don’t want to insult her or give her more reasons to be insecure. Complimenting the things about your sex life that you do enjoy will help to open the door for suggestions on how to improve or introduce new ideas, which you can also get from our course on how to have better sex.

“For men who want to be more adventurous, I’d encourage them to open a conversation with their partner about their sex lives. Tell their partner what they like about sex together, for example, starting with something like ‘I can’t stop thinking about that thing you did with your tongue the other night!’, and then lead into a conversation about something they’d like to try,” says Debby Herbenick, professor at Indiana University School of Public Health. “Or they could simply say to their partner how much they like or love them (whichever is true), how much they enjoy sex together, and that they’ve been thinking about new things they’d like to try.”

4) Be Specific.

It’s noble to speak up about what you want. But telling your girlfriend that you’d like to be more adventurous in the bedroom is a tad vague, especially for someone who is shy about trying new things. Telling her you like dirty talk is great, but if she’s never done it before she might not know where to begin. Give her specific keywords, for example, that you like to hear to help get her talking. Ask her questions to help guide her. Suggest watching porn together. Ask her if she wants to try introducing sex toys. And when she takes the lead, let her run with it. This should be a give and take.

“Leave open-ended ideas she can explore on her own. There are dozens of books on how to spice things up,” says Emily DeAyala, an AASECT (The American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists) certified sex therapist. “One of my personal favorites is 101 Nights of Great Sex. The pages are sealed ‘for her’ and ‘for him’ so that each partner can take turns surprising each other with something new. Sometimes you don’t know what you don’t know. Encourage her to get ideas from books like this. This will help her feel more in control.”

5) Enter Her Fantasyland

Granted upping the level of adventure in the bedroom is probably about your own personal desires, but if you allow your girlfriend to share her desires, it ups the level of intimacy, trust, and comfort. It’s quite literally tit for tat. Encourage your girlfriend to share what turns her on. Coming through for her on her wishes and desires will fill her with confidence and desire to return the favor.

“He might begin the conversation with fantasies. When she masturbates, what does she think about? What turns her on? If she likes porn, what type of porn interests her. Here, he needs to be secure enough in himself that he might learn that what she likes isn’t what he can provide,” says Tom Murray, a certified sex therapist and family/marriage therapist. “Nevertheless, fantasies are just that, fantasies. Fantasies may never be realized, nor should they, necessarily. This just begins the conversation and lays the groundwork for exploration.”

6) Talk About Your Insecurities.

In other words, level the playing field. Being naked, showing your bits, having your bits touch someone else’s bits…it’s fraught with anxiety and insecurity. If your girlfriend is shy in the bedroom, it would greatly help her to know what you feel shy about as well. We all have our insecurities (yes, even you, you sexual stallion, you), and if she knew a few of yours, it might help her to see you as someone she can easily relate to in the sexual realm.

“Although men oftentimes act like they are fine with their body image, the long line of men walking in the door to my office speaking about their struggles with feeling feeling unattractive and unable to measure up in some way would indicate otherwise,” says Lebowitz. “When you share your insecurities, they no longer hold the same power over you and it models how your partner can speak about them to you and mutual support and reassurance can be part of the relationship.”

7) No Always Means No.

Just because you ask, doesn’t mean she has to say yes. And if she says no, you either have to be OK with that, or you might have to reconsider if this is the right relationship for you. No one should be made to feel uncomfortable in a relationship, especially in the bedroom. Your happiness is just as important as hers, and if neither of you is getting what you want, it might be time to move on. But typically where there is communication, openness, honesty, and trust, mind-blowing sex tends to follow. So don’t be shy about asking. You both might be surprised at all the doors that open.

By Meagan Drillinger