By Devon Barrow

By Devon Barrow

By Devon Barrow

Masturbation used to be a hush-hush topic saved for private conversations. But these days, as we’re rinsing shame out of sexuality, the holistic importance of sexual pleasure has come into full view. Backed by tons of positive science and research, we’re finally starting to see masturbation for what it really is: a wellness practice.

We tend to think of wellness as green smoothies and cycling classes, so where does masturbation fit in? To get clear on the subject, we connected with Dr. Holly Richmond, Ph.D., LMFT, CST. “I believe we should consider masturbation as a wellness practice because sex and self are not dualistic,” she describes. “There’s not my general health over here, and my sexual health over here.”

As Dr. Holly confirms, sexual health is a holistic part of our being. And that doesn”t necessitate a partner. Masturbation is just as effective at promoting sexual health…especially with the help of brands that stand for pleasure and its role in our daily lives, like Dame. Their products, designed to nourish sexual wellness and deepen connections, make it easier for us to enjoy masturbation more and claim the many health benefits behind it. And BTW, there are many.

The health benefits of masturbation.

In order to fully reap the health benefits of masturbation, we need to understand what it’s about on a deeper level. “I prescribe [self-pleasure] all the time,” Dr. Holly shares. “I don’t call it masturbation because people tend to think of that as goal-oriented, and the goal is usually to have an orgasm. Sexual pleasure is also good for us, and that doesn’t have to include an orgasm.” The bottom line is: Sexual pleasure comes with all sorts of health benefits, orgasm or not. So let’s dive in:

1. Masturbation strengthens your pelvic floor.

According to Dr. Holly, self-pleasure helps make our pelvic floor stronger. And while orgasms aren’t necessary, they certainly help. “Orgasms are like a mini-workout for the pelvic floor,” she describes. “When we orgasm, there are these micro-contractions that help enhance our pelvic floor… This prevents incontinence and makes our orgasms stronger.” So the question on everyone’s mind: How do we make orgasms easier and frequent? Dame’s AerTM is a powerful arousal tool that uses thrilling pulses of air to simulate oral stimulation. Designed to take us all the way, right away, consider this one workout you’ll never skip.

Aer™ – Suction Toy

Pom® – Flexible Vibrator

Eva® – Couples Vibrator

2. Self-pleasure boosts your mood.

Most of the benefits that come from sexual pleasure happen as a result of the oxytocin and dopamine released by the body. As Dr. Holly describes, these natural chemicals wash our prefrontal cortex and our brainstem, leaving us with an overall sense of wellness. Along with boosting our mood, the PomTM can help us get in the mood too. Fitting snugly in the palm of your hand, the Pom offers broad or targeted stimulation for more pleasure, with more ease. With five different intensity and vibration settings, it’ll get the dopamine flowing.

3. Orgasms help us sleep better.

“For some of my clients, having an orgasm is something they do at the end of the day that helps them sleep,” says Dr. Holly. For many of us, sexual pleasure is something that deescalates the nervous system, leaving us in a state of peace and calm. Studies show that sexual activity can lead to a release of oxytocin (the cuddle hormone) and prolactin (a hormone that makes us sleepy) while inhibiting cortisol (the stress hormone)—like a neurotransmitter nightcap for better sleep.

Image by BONNINSTUDIO / Stocksy

 

4. Self-touch can help promote the health of our skin.

Exfoliate, moisturize, and self-pleasure…your new skin care routine. The hormonal release that happens with sexual pleasure decreases stress, improves our sleep, and promotes relaxation. Add all these benefits up, and you get glowing skin. On top of that, sexual pleasure has been proven to raise estrogen levels, which can help maintain the youthfulness of our skin. So for the sake of your skin, enjoy extra pleasure with a partner by trying out Dame’s famous and bestselling EvaTM. This wearable clitoral vibrator stays in place during sex to enhance partner play without getting in the way.

5. Masturbation helps us stay present.

We all have the meditation apps and mindfulness books, but we may be forgetting that sexual pleasure is a simple practice to bring us here and now. “To have great sex with ourselves, we do have to be in the present moment, so there is another benefit,” Dr. Holly confirms. “When we’re taking care of ourselves with our self-pleasure practice…it’s going to help us feel more present instead of being in the shame or depression of the past or in the anxiety of the future.”

Make pleasure a practice.

The conversation surrounding masturbation is quickly changing. It’s no longer something to blush about or keep secret. (And if 76% of women and 92% of men masturbate, was it ever really a secret?) It’s important to remember that talking about masturbation means talking about pleasure. As Dr. Holly puts it, “I’m very much an advocate of any time that we’re defining or looking at sexual health—we’re talking about pleasure.” Dame offers sexual wellness products that put pleasure at our fingertips. But they also offer other products, like their Arousal Serum and Massage Oil, which help us turn pleasure into a practice.

“Dame’s sexual wellness products help us receive more benefits from masturbation because there’s literally something for everyone,” Dr. Holly says. “There’s lube to get you started and so many different kinds of vibrators based on your own sexual template. Dame does such a good job of checking all of those boxes.”

The more pleasure we experience, the better we feel—there’s no question about that. But the science shows that more pleasure also means more health and well-being. From better moods to deeper sleep to brighter skin…we officially have every reason to masturbate more.

By Julie Nguyen

It’s a tricky question, so we asked sex therapists to weigh in.

Is porn cheating?

Watching porn is not considered cheating in every relationship, but it can be in some relationships. It depends on the relationship parameters the partners have agreed on.

“Cheating is, at its simplest, actions that cross the agreed-upon boundaries in a relationship. If both parties agree to not view porn and one person does in secret, then in that circumstance, yes, it could be considered cheating,” explains Shadeen Francis, LMFT, CST, a licensed marriage therapist and board-certified sex therapist.

But watching porn isn’t in itself a betrayal, Francis emphasizes. The betrayal happens when one person knowingly crosses a line they’ve agreed not to cross in the relationship.

Of course, many couples never explicitly discussed porn before entering into the relationship—and this lack of transparency can also lead to hurt feelings. “Often, this question hasn’t even been discussed, so when the one partner finds out the other is watching porn, they feel betrayed,” explains Holly Richmond, Ph.D., LMFT, a licensed marriage therapist and AASECT-certified sex therapist.

Part of the confusion here stems from the assumptions around what it means to be in a monogamous relationship: Some people assume that being sexually exclusive means that porn must be off the table, whereas others see watching porn as more of a personal, solo sexual activity and therefore not related to cheating because it doesn’t involve other people. There isn’t a right or wrong answer here—it’s just about how the individuals in a given relationship see it and what they agree on going forward.

“However, if we look at the absolute criteria for cheating—secretive physical or emotional engagement with someone outside of the relationship—it is hard for porn to check this box. Certainly there is no touch and almost never any communication,” Richmond says. “Most people watch for some sort of stress relief or anxiety reduction. It isn’t as much about sex as it is about a biological physical release. It is almost never about connecting with the performers.”

The problem with demonizing porn.

Everyone’s allowed to have their boundaries in a relationship. At the same time, Francis emphasizes the importance of making sure not to create a culture of hostility around a partner’s natural desires—which can be worse for the relationship than the actual porn.

“Most folks have been instructed to view porn (and any other form of self-focused pleasure) as a comment on relationship sexual satisfaction or, at worst, a threat to partnered pleasure. This misconception makes the landscape of desire dangerous and is often more harmful to the relationship than the porn viewing itself,” Francis explains.

“Arousal isn’t a threat. People still have the ability to decide what they do with their time, attention, and, yes, genitals. Partners cannot control their partner’s behavior; you do not have agency over anyone else’s body. Even if the behavior reflects a value difference, unless they have agreed not to watch porn themselves, you cannot enforce or mandate another person’s relationship to their body. This leads to unhealthy power dynamics, reinforces a relationship culture of surveillance and insecurity, and is deeply shameful for both parties involved.”

That means that the answer to disagreements about porn use often aren’t simply to force the person to stop watching porn—it often won’t work, and it can often make matters worse.

“Even if the person says they will give it up, most likely they won’t, so this dynamic doesn’t work anyway,” Richmond says. “No one wants to be controlled, and our partner’s mind and bodies are not ours to own. There must be open communication about what porn means to both people and a collaborative agreement going forward, as well as an attempt to perhaps meet in the middle.”

Can porn negatively affect a relationship?

“Yes, watching porn can negatively impact a relationship, but it’s most often not because it’s ‘cheating.’ It’s because the couple hasn’t talked about why they want to or don’t want to watch porn and what meaning porn has to them,” Richmond explains. “Porn itself isn’t the risk to the relationship; not talking about it is.”

In general, research has produced mixed results about the effects of watching porn. Many studies have found porn is associated with lower relationship satisfaction, while others have found porn more commonly has no effect or even positive effects on couples’ sex lives. (If you really want to get into the weeds, here’s our deep dive on how porn affects relationships.)

One of the most common concerns about porn use in relationships is that the person is watching porn because they’re not satisfied with their sex life with their partner. But according to Francis, that worry is often grounded in their partner’s insecurities about their own desirability.

“This topic can open up some really meaningful conversations within relationships,” she says. “Often, more than porn, couples are needing to resolve conflicts around the infrequency of sex, the kinds of sex that are being had (or not), or unmet needs for reassurance about their individual desirability.”

Signs that porn is negatively affecting the relationship.

Here are a few signs that your porn use might be affecting your relationship, according to Richmond:

• You’re hiding your porn use from your partner because you think or know they won’t approve of it.
• You or your partner’s erotic energy is going exclusively toward porn, resulting in a low-sex or sexless relationship.
• You or your partner expect sex with each other to look like the sex in porn.
• You or your partner try to “perform” during sex to meet porn standards.
• You feel like you can’t ask for what you want in bed; you feel pressured to mimic what you see in porn.

How to talk about porn with your partner.

If you watch porn and don’t know how your partner feels about it, Richmond says it’s important to just have a conversation about it. Here’s a simple conversation starter:

“I was reading an article about watching porn in relationships, and I realized we’ve never really had a conversation about that. I don’t want to keep secrets, so I thought it’d be good for us to talk about this and see how we both feel about it.”

It can be helpful to explain what you get from watching porn, whether it’s just for a quick physical release, a way to explore fantasies, or whatever else it might be. It’ll also be important to reassure your partner that your porn use doesn’t have to do with how you feel about them so they don’t worry. (Or if it does feel related to your feelings about the relationship, bring up those concerns so you can start working on them together!)

Often navigating feelings around porn use will take more than just one conversation, so make sure to give your partner time to process if they need it, to ask questions to understand their feelings about it, and to be proactive in making sure your partner feels secure in the relationship.

What to do if your partner watches porn:

1. Have a nonjudgmental conversation to understand each other’s points of view.

A conversation is imperative, no matter how awkward it might feel.

It’s important to understand why your partner watches porn and what they get out of it, says Richmond. “Is it about anxiety reduction, boredom alleviation, mood improvement, sleep enhancement, novelty, curiosity, exploration, or one of dozens of other reasons? Again, it is almost never because the porn-watching person isn’t happy with their partner or because they have a desire to cheat.”

Likewise, your feelings about the issue are valid. Explain what feelings are coming up for you now that you know about your partner’s porn use. Try to convey these feelings without attacking or judging your partner for their porn use. Focus less on convincing each other about who’s right; instead, focus on understanding the feelings and needs each of you is describing.

2. Give yourself a reality check.

“Porn is media designed to be arousing by showing scenes of actors and performers experiencing pleasure,” Francis reminds. “Even if what your partner views doesn’t please you, in particular, how does it make you feel to know that they can be turned on by their own fantasies? Have you ever been aroused by anything that wasn’t directly related to your partner? If yes (which is the answer for most people), that is normal.”

3. Make honesty a priority.

Finding out about a partner’s porn use can sometimes feel jolting or even traumatizing because it feels like there’s been a secret between you this whole time. As Richmond points out, the secrecy is often more damaging than the porn use itself.

So putting the porn aside for a second, it’s worth having a conversation about the importance of honesty and transparency in your relationship: Why was there such a big secret between the two of you for this long? How can you foster an environment where your partner feels safe sharing intimate truths about themselves with you? And how can they assure you that you can trust them to be honest going forward?

4. Check in on how well each other’s needs are being met in the relationship.

How connected are the two of you feeling these days? Is there excitement and passion in the relationship? Do you feel like your sexual and emotional needs are being met? Do you both feel sexy and desired?

These are all questions that can come into focus when porn use comes up, so it’s a great time to check in on how the two of you are feeling and what you can do to make sure you both feel super secure in the relationship. When you’re feeling good about the relationship (and in your sex life), often the question of porn feels less threatening.

5. Build your sexual self-esteem.

For many people, learning about a partner’s porn use can make our own insecurities—about the relationship and ourselves—flare up.

“The worry about whether the porn watcher is dissatisfied or disinterested in sex is often grounded in their partner’s internalized insecurities about their own desirability,” Francis says. “Working on your own sense of sexual worth and appeal can help lessen the fear associated with knowing that other people are also sexually appealing.”

Work on building your sexual self-esteem, connecting with your own sexual energy, and enjoying the benefits of masturbation yourself.

“Your partner can support this journey also,” Francis adds. “How does your relationship make room for sexual attention, flirtation, or just compliments?”

6. Make space for compromise.

Both Francis and Richmond say that asking your partner to stop watching porn altogether is likely not an effective strategy and will ultimately just put more strain on the relationship. So in place of ultimatums, find ways to really connect as a couple and breathe new life into the relationship. Ask your partner to really hear and understand your feelings, and really listen and try to understand theirs.

While you might never see completely eye to eye on porn, there may be ways for you to meet somewhere in the middle. Richmond suggests considering options like watching porn together (mutual masturbation is a thing!) or even creating your own.

If you and your partner are struggling to make progress in these conversations, seeing a couples’ therapist, counselor, or coach can be very helpful. A professional can guide you through these tough conversations and help you get creative with solutions.

The psychosocial stages of development.

Erikson, a prolific German-American psychologist throughout the 20th century, categorized the human experience from birth to adulthood into eight individual stages, coining the psychological stages of development. Each stage highlights the primary conflict that can be observed in humans during that time frame and how the outcome of that conflict can shape the individual. The stages are as follows:

• Trust vs. Mistrust, relates to hope (ages 0–1.5 years)
• Autonomy vs. Shame, relates to will (ages 1.5–3 years)
• Initiative vs. Guilt, relates to purpose (ages 3–5 years)
• Industry vs. Inferiority, relates to competency (ages 5–12 years )
• Identity vs. Role Confusion, relates to fidelity (ages 12–18 years)
• Intimacy vs. Isolation, relates to love (ages 18–40)
• Generativity vs. Stagnation, relates to care (ages 40–65)
• Ego Integrity vs. Despair, relates to wisdom (ages 65+)

What is intimacy versus isolation?

Intimacy versus isolation is the sixth stage of Erik Erikson’s theory of psychosocial development, occurring between the ages of 18 and 40. The theme of this stage is intimacy, which refers to forming loving and intimate relationships with others. Adults who successfully complete this stage go on to have healthy, satisfying relationships.

“Erikson suggests that in early adulthood, we encounter the psychosocial crisis of intimacy versus isolation,” psychologist Karin Anderson Abrell, Ph.D., explains to mbg. “We navigate ways we’ll express and receive intimacy with friends, family members, and romantic partners.”

During this stage, she adds, we determine our preferences and norms, which will influence the dynamics of all our relationships. “Some of us will desire deep intimacy, while others will feel more comfortable with greater emotional distance in relationships.”

What to know about intimacy.

As somatic psychologist and licensed marriage and family therapist Holly Richmond, Ph.D., LMFT, CST, tells mbg, we can start to understand intimacy by breaking down the world itself: “into me see.” What does that mean? “We’re talking about empathy and vulnerability—that’s how you cultivate intimacy,” she says.

Intimacy involves “connecting deeply and authentically with another—sharing who we are, what we’re about, and how we feel,” Abrell adds. This is important because it offers us what psychologists call social support. “A myriad of studies find those of us with solid and reliable social support fare better in a variety of realms—including our emotional and psychological well-being and even our physical health,” she notes.

Although people often associate the word intimacy with sex, sexual intimacy is just one type of intimacy. Intimacy can happen in romantic contexts as well as familial and friendly relationships. Erikson believed close and intimate relationships in general play a large role in our overall well-being.

Signs of intimacy.

Some signs of intimacy in a relationship, according to Richmond, include:

• Vulnerability
• Honesty
• Empathy
• Prioritizing each other’s needs
• Consideration for each other
• A degree of reciprocity and balance within the relationship

How to build intimacy in a relationship.

According to Abrell, “It’s counterintuitive, but the most important tip for building intimacy is to cultivate and solidify your identity.” That’s because the stage before intimacy versus isolation is identity versus role confusion, and Erikson asserted we can’t experience intimacy until we’ve established our identity, Abrell explains. “We can’t bond with others if our identity remains porous or fragmented. True intimacy necessitates two individuals—each with a strong sense of self—choosing to engage with one another.”

And of course, intimacy comes with a bit of risk, but it’s a risk worth taking, Richmond says. “Taking more risk, being more vulnerable, and opening yourself up more,” she says, are all important factors of connection and, therefore, intimacy. “Any good relationship starts with the emotional and relational piece of intimacy,” she adds. “So how vulnerable can you be with your partner; how vulnerable can they be with you?”

What to know about isolation.

Isolation occurs from a lack of intimacy. “Isolation is just like it sounds—lacking connections, struggling to engage with others, and avoiding emotional attachments,” Abrell notes.

Oftentimes, isolation can stem from issues surrounding attachment, self-worth or self-image, and intimacy. The stage before intimacy versus isolation is identity versus role confusion, Abrell notes, and if there’s still work to be done there, intimacy can feel like a challenge.

“There’s no intimacy without connection, and if we’re too in shame, too in self-doubt, or too much in insecurity, we can’t connect,” Richmond explains.

And this can turn into many psychological and physical detriments, Abrell adds, including loneliness, little to no social support, poor relationships, and even health effects ranging from heart disease to depression, substance abuse, and suicide.

How to overcome isolation in a relationship.

Intimacy versus isolation is one of the longest developmental stages in Erikson’s theory, so if you think you’re dealing with isolation, don’t worry—it can take time to build up your capacity for intimacy and fulfilling relationships, and that’s OK. You also don’t have to do it on your own.

“Isolated individuals can absolutely move toward connection through therapy, support groups, and social skills training,” Abrell says, adding that again, “self-reflection, self-exploration, and cultivating one’s identity will assist in overcoming isolation.” Very often, isolation can be rooted in a fear of rejection, she notes, so by bolstering our identity, “we gain the courage to embark upon the risk-taking inherent in relating to others.”

As Richmond notes, cultivating intimacy is about learning how to open up, be vulnerable, and take that risk.

Why it’s important.

In Erikson’s theory, each stage represents the main theme or conflict of that period of one’s life, and with intimacy versus isolation, the objective is to cultivate and, more importantly, learn how to cultivate meaningful intimate relationships. Without them, we ultimately won’t feel wholly fulfilled.

“Intimacy is all about feeling seen, feeling understood, and not feeling like you have to sacrifice a piece of yourself to be loved,” Richmond explains, adding if we can’t connect, we can’t be intimate, which leads to isolation.

And according to research, Abrell tells mbg, loneliness is associated with up to a 30% increased risk of premature death, on top of all the aforementioned physical and mental afflictions, like heart disease and depression.

The bottom line.

Intimacy versus isolation is a lengthy stage and the one that dominates our early adult life. Over these years, we learn how to have healthy relationships, both romantic and non-romantic. When we grow and learn through this stage, we’re better suited for fulfilling relationships as we get older and are bolstered by our support systems, friendships, and romantic partners.

How thought-provoking conversations help deepen relationships.

Thought-provoking questions and conversations are all about curiosity and connection, according to somatic psychologist and therapist Holly Richmond, Ph.D., LMFT, CST. “Conversation—not a monologue—is a direct route to someone’s head or heart, depending on the context,” she explains. When you ask someone quality questions—and show genuine interest in what they have to say—”you set up a system for a deeper connection going forward.”

And according to licensed marriage and family therapist Tiana Leeds, M.A., LMFT, without touching on these deeper topics, we’re left with our own assumptions about others, which, of course, aren’t always accurate.

“Conversation is our shortcut to understanding who someone is and deepening our connection to them,” she explains, adding that open communication can give us direct access to someone’s innermost thoughts and feelings—and also gives us the opportunity to be seen and known. As Richmond notes, good conversation is all about reciprocity.

Questions to ask yourself:

• What is my intention here?
• What are my core values?
• Which of my deep inner longings have I been ignoring?
• Who lights me up when I’m around them?
• Who drains my energy when I’m around them?
• When do I feel most alive?
• What am I feeling—nervous, anxious, trepidatious, excited, eager—and what is making me feel that way?
• How do I honor myself? Neglect myself?
• How have I grown as a person?

Deep questions for new friends:

• What’s been on your mind today?
• What are you excited about right now?
• Is there anything you’re worried about?
• How connected are you feeling to the world?
• What are you passionate about?
• What do you value most in a friend?
• What consistently brings you joy right now?
• What feels hard in your life right now?
• Is there a decision you’re contemplating that would be helpful to talk through together?
• What’s bringing you pleasure right now?
• What’s something difficult you’re working on?

Questions to ask a romantic partner:

• What feeling have you been experiencing the most lately?
• How connected are you feeling in our relationship?
• Are you sexually fulfilled?
• What could make our relationship even better?
• What makes you feel most loved?
• Is there something you care about for which you would be willing to risk your life?
• How can I be a better partner to you?
• What were you like as a child? As a teen?
• Tell me about the last time you felt lonely when you were with me.
• What are your dreams for your future?
• What makes you feel closest to me?
• Is there anything you are grappling with where I can help?
• What is your vision for a great relationship?

Thoughtful questions for family members:

• What excited you today?
• What are you feeling grateful for today?
• What was missing from your life this week?
• About what have you been proud of yourself for this week?
• What are you eager to feel more confident about in the next few weeks?
• What word would you use to describe our family?
• Do you identify with our family, or do you feel more like an outsider, and why?
• What family traditions do you carry on?
• Tell me about a time you did something you “weren’t supposed to” but it was worth it.
• Tell me about a family member of ours who I never had the chance to meet.
• What are our strengths as a family?
• What is your favorite present you’ve ever received?
• What are our values as a family?
• Any traditions that you were happy to say goodbye to?
• What do you think our family will look like in 50 years?

Philosophical questions:

• Where are you finding the most meaning in life?
• What do you imagine your legacy will be?
• How long do you think you’ll be remembered?
• What do you feel has been the most important thing you’ve done in life so far?
• What lasting impact do you know you’ve made in the world?
• What’s the most important quality a person can have?
• What does the world need more of?
• What does the world need less of?
• Do you think the sciences or art will be valued more in the next 50 years?
• Why is art important or unimportant?
• Will organized religion have a bigger or smaller place in society going forward?
• What is the meaning of happiness?
• Do you place a bigger value on helping yourself, your family, or the world? How so?
• By what standards do you think society should be judged?
• Do you feel like the world is changing for the better or changing for the worse?
• How so?
• Is there a motto or principle you live by?
• Is morality relative?
• What from the past is worth preserving?
• In what ways has society changed during your lifetime? What do you think caused these changes?
• Is it better to be realistic or optimistic?

The takeaway.

From being a good friend or partner to simply knowing how to keep a good conversation going, having an arsenal of thought-provoking questions is always helpful. Not only can you exchange interesting and new ideas, but you learn more about the people in your life, they learn more about you, and you’re able to deepen and strengthen your connection and understanding between each other, whether they be a friend, family member, or partner.

Getting the conversation started.

Conversations are going to look different depending on who you’re talking to and how close you are, but generally speaking, it’s always good to have an idea of why you want to have the conversation in the first place.

“Get clear about your own motives for starting the conversation,” couples’ therapist Alicia Muñoz, LPC, explains to mbg. “Are you motivated by pure curiosity? A desire to get to know someone better? A desire to build a stronger friendship? Do you have a specific goal in mind […] like a job interview?”

When you’re clear on your motive, she says, you can be open about it. People will naturally wonder why you’re striking up a conversation, “and being clear about it from the start creates trust,” she says. For example, if you were reaching out to a CEO on LinkedIn, you can explain from the get-go that you hope to work together. Or if you’re on a dating app, simply telling someone you’re interested in getting to know them can go a long way.

“Being upfront with people about your motives for starting conversations may feel vulnerable,” Muñoz adds, “but others often experience it as clarifying and refreshing. It fosters a genuine connection.”

Tips to keep things going:

1. Get curious.

Try to display genuine curiosity in the person you’re talking with. Licensed marriage and family therapist Holly Richmond, Ph.D., LMFT, CST, tells mbg, “I’m curious” is one of her favorite phrases. Think questions like “I’m curious about your…” or “I’m curious what you think about…” etc.

“People love to talk about themselves, and that ‘I’m curious’ question isn’t a judgment on your part,” Richmond says, “so there’s nothing the other person could get defensive about.”

As Muñoz adds, “Allow another person to experience your curiosity and interest in them. Let go of your agenda.”

2. Find common ground.

One of the quickest ways to start bonding with someone new is by finding common ground. “If there’s a moment to find synergy with a person,” Richmond suggests, “meaning shared likes and beliefs, that’s always a good way to go.”

It’s worth noting here that certain topics like politics, religion, and other potentially controversial subjects can lead to tension if you don’t already know where a person stands. If you want to avoid potential disagreements, you may wish to avoid such subjects. On the other hand, taking the risk to dive into these tougher topics may pay off if you find you have more in common than not.

3. Make sure it’s a good time to talk.

Sometimes people may not be the most forthcoming in conversation, and in some cases, this can be because it’s simply not a good time to talk. “If someone doesn’t seem to want to engage in a conversation with you,” Muñoz explains, “you could ask them directly, ‘Is this a bad time to talk? I want to connect with you, but I also want to respect this might not be a good time for you.'” This opens up the door for them to let you know where they’re at, and you should be able to gauge whether they’re interested.

4. Listen intently.

Really show you’re engaged and interested in what this person has to say. Not only will this make them feel good, but active listening can help strengthen all your relationships.

You can even practice with friends to improve your listening skills. A good rule of thumb for being a better listener: Don’t worry so much about what you want to say next. Just pay attention to what the person is saying.

“People generally open up more when they’re being seen, heard, noticed, and listened to in the little details of who they are and how they express themselves,” Muñoz says.

5. Ask open-ended questions.

Give people a chance to answer open-ended questions rather than giving straight yeses or nos. This is also another way of showing curiosity. As Muñoz notes, “Great interviewers know how to make people feel special by being genuinely fascinated by other people. Ask open-ended questions.”

As you listen, “notice their response without jumping automatically back to yourself, your experience, your interpretations of what they said,” she adds.

Tips for in-person conversations:

Pull from context clues. As you listen to someone talking, Muñoz suggests trying to “notice someone’s jewelry, the logo on their T-shirt, their overall energy level, their sense of humor, their way of expressing themselves, and celebrate that.”
Build on compliments. Just as people love to talk about themselves when you give them the opportunity, “People also love compliments,” Richmond notes. Finding something to compliment, whether it be something they’re wearing, or something more personal like their overall energy, can help the person soften and open up. You can combine this with tip No. 1, a question like, “I’m so curious where you got that fantastic bag,” Richmond offers as an example.
Have good eye contact and body language. Body language is essential. People can easily pick up on when a conversation has run its course by the way we position our bodies, how much eye contact we’re making, and our tone of voice. “Really make sure you’re looking the person in the eye, your body is facing them, and your arms aren’t crossed,” Richmond says.

Tips for texting conversations:

Don’t fret if they’re not the best texter. Texting isn’t for everyone, and it’s easy to overthink short replies and delayed response time. Whoever you’re texting could also be busy and not in a place where they can be totally engaged with their device. You can always ask whether it’s a good time, or if they’d rather talk on the phone or meet up IRL. “If a person answers in a monosyllable, don’t give up,” Muñoz says. “Keep attending to them. Maintain a warm, open stance. Don’t let your own insecurities break the connection.”

Be direct. One downfall of texting is the chance for things to get lost in translation. Your best bet is to be direct. “In texts,” Muñoz explains, “it’s important to spell things out that might otherwise be communicated in someone’s tone of voice or body language.” For example, you could say, “I’ve been thinking about you and wondering how you’re doing. I’d love to hear anything you want to share!” she adds.

Use emoji. OK, emoji aren’t for everyone. But if you want to communicate your message clearly and directly, one way to do so is through emoji—especially if we’re talking about messaging someone on a dating app. Research shows people who use emoji actually have more first dates, and it has everything to do with the way we respond to those little facial expressions when we can’t actually see the visual cues from whom we’re talking with otherwise. They fill in those gaps, so give ’em a try!

Specific topics and questions:

1. Their upbringing

It goes without saying that our childhood shapes us into who we become in so many ways. Basic questions about where someone grew up can tell you a lot about a person and is also a good chance to find out where the two of you may share similarities (or differences).

Some questions to ask:

• Where did you grow up? What was it like?
• Did you like growing up there?
• What do you think is the best thing about your hometown?
• Would you ever move back home? (Or if they live there, do they want to move?)
• Where are your favorite places in town?

2. Weather and seasons

Yes, this might be considered small talk, but when in doubt, dealing with the weather is a universal experience, and everyone has something to say about it. There’s a reason it always comes up! Plus, someone’s thoughts on the weather can tell you what they like as far as the seasons and seasonal activities, what kind of day they’re having, etc.

Some questions to ask:

• Do you like rainy days, or do you find them kind of drab?
• What’s your favorite season and why?
• What are your favorite things to do in fall, winter, etc.?
• What does a day of perfect weather look like to you?
• If you could skip any season, which would it be?

3. Hobbies and interests

Who doesn’t love to talk about what they’re passionate about? Getting curious about someone’s hobbies and interests shows you want to understand them, and you can also try to find some common ground here. Maybe you notice they posted a picture skiing or a newly completed art project, so you ask them about that. People are usually happy to share the things that bring them joy.

Some questions to ask:

• What’s your favorite way to spend your free time?
• What’s one topic you want to know everything about?
• Is there a particular hobby you’ve been dying to pick up?
• What’s the last internet rabbit-hole you went down?
• Did you have any hobbies as a kid you’d like to pick up again?

4. Books, music, TV shows, and movies

At least one of these forms of media is likely a significant part of someone’s life. People get super passionate about their favorite musical artists, TV series, and so on, so ask them about it! You may find you both love the Lord of the Rings series, or you’re both big fans of classic rock.

Some questions to ask:

• What kind of music do you like to listen to?
• If you could live in any TV show’s or movie’s universe, which would it be?
• Do you have an all-time favorite book or author?
• What’s the best concert you’ve ever been to?
• Who’s your favorite fictional character of all time?

5. School and work

Asking about school or work is bound to come up as you’re getting to know someone. It’s always good to know what someone’s goals are, what they’re studying or have studied, and how that ties into their story. Just pay attention here if the tone shifts when you bring these things up, as school and work can be sources of stress. If it seems like they don’t want to talk about it, you can always redirect the conversation:

• What did you go to school for, and what made you decide that?
• Did you ever think you would be a [insert career], or did you want to be something else growing up?
• What’s your biggest professional goal right now?
• What’s your favorite class right now? (Or if they’re working, what is their favorite part about their job?)
• Do you ever feel called to try something else career-wise, or are you happy with where you’re at?

The bottom line.

Conversations aren’t everyone’s forte, and that’s OK. At the end of the day, showing you are actively listening, offering nonjudgmental and open questions, and simply being kind and forthcoming will never steer you wrong when chatting with someone, whether they’re a new friend or an old one. Try practicing with people you’re close with to strengthen your conversational skills. And when in doubt, a compliment never hurts.

We’ve all been there—but the truth is, it is totally possible to make new friends, no matter how old you are. Here’s advice on how to make friends as an adult, from three relationship experts:

1. Approach with positivity.

According to board-certified psychiatrist Roxanna Namavar, D.O., the way we perceive the world frames our whole life. If you go into social scenarios or approach making new friends with negativity, you aren’t going to get too far. This is the law of attraction 101—we have to focus on what makes us feel good. If all we focus on is our lack of new friends, we’re reinforcing that reality.

“When we start to focus on doing things that make us feel good and engage in a way that increases positive feelings, it makes it easier to see and connect with other people we resonate with,” she adds.

2. Create a life for yourself that you enjoy.

To that end, Namavar stresses that the best thing you can do for yourself to make new friends is to create a life you enjoy. “Like attracts like,” she notes, and “the more engaged we are with life, the easier it is to go out and meet people. When you do things that make you feel good, you end up finding people who enjoy the same things.”

3. Find a group that interests you.

Yes, this may be a little difficult in the age of COVID-19, but there are still plenty of virtual interest groups you can take advantage of right now. As psychologist Nicole Beurkens, Ph.D., explains to mbg, “One of the easiest ways to connect with people who might be friendship material is to engage in group activities around your interests.”

“One of my favorite ways to make friends as an adult is Meetup,” says somatic psychologist Holly Richmond, Ph.D. “There’s also My Social Calendar.”

Engaging in things you enjoy, whatever they are, “can reduce fears of awkwardness by giving you something to focus on besides the people involved,” Beurkens adds.

For a little inspiration, here are just some of the activities you can consider, offered by Beurkens, Namavar, and Richmond: Take a new yoga class, join a local hiking group, try a cooking class, attend a spiritual or religious service, practice with the church choir, check out a local sports club, join a committee at work, scope out a crafting workshop, join a book club or volunteer with a local charity.

4. Lead with curiosity.

When we’re meeting new people, our insecurities can get the best of us, Richmond explains—but it goes both ways. It’s important to remember a new friend is just a person like you, who’s also got their own insecurities.

“Instead of talking about yourself or thinking you have to impress this person, lead with curiosity and ask questions about them,” she says. “We’re all so in our head, so if you can help get someone out of their head a bit, it’s generally really endearing.”

5. Look to your network.

In the age of social media, there are innumerable casual acquaintances always available at our fingertips. Why not reach out to one of them? As Richmond tells mbg, relationships are always evolving: “You can know someone for years and one day just click,” she says. “Timing is everything, so give those old relationships a new chance or a new view.”

Mutual friends are a great place to start as well, Namavar notes. “Sometimes it makes it easier to be social if a friend is with you that you already feel comfortable with,” she says. Plus, if they already get along with one of your friends, there’s a good chance you’ll like them too.

6. Say yes.

You might have to go outside your comfort zone and try new things to make new connections. “The key is to be willing to put yourself out there to engage with other people you don’t know,” Beurkens says. Of course, this can be intimidating, “especially for people who are shy or experience some social anxiety,” she adds, “but taking the risk to meet new people is what leads to the reward of developing new relationships.”

As much as your inner social butterfly allows, say “yes” when you receive an invite. You never know until you try, and the more you put yourself out there, the more people you’ll meet. Richmond recommends letting friends and family know you want to make new friends as well, “So they can put feelers out for you, and invite you to things they’re going to.”

7. Don’t be afraid to initiate.

Making a friend is a two-way street, so don’t be afraid to initiate. The other person could be just as hesitant to reach out, too. Things like a simple compliment or finding a similar interest are great places to start, Namavar says. “Also, asking somebody for a little bit of help,” she adds, “opens the door to soften the interaction.”

Similarly, if you’re single and dating new people but it’s not working out romantically, you can always try initiating a friendship. Richmond notes she knows lots of people who’ve become friends with someone they went on a date or two with but didn’t vibe with romantically. “Go into dating with an open mind—it could be something different,” she says.

8. Get vulnerable.

“We’re programmed to be afraid of rejection, but no connections that are worthwhile happen without vulnerability,” Richmond says. For this reason, having a strong enough sense of self so you can be OK with a friendship not working out is important. Don’t be afraid to be yourself—otherwise, how will you make friends who see and accept the real you?

“Not everyone’s going to like you, but as we get older, you can accept that not everyone needs to like you,” she adds. And when you live your truth, “then you can find the people who do,” she says.

9. Be patient.

And lastly, know it takes time to build strong relationships. Be ready to give things time to naturally unfold and for the friendship to blossom. It’s not a marathon—and when it comes to friendship, it’s always quality over quantity. “The key is to have at least one or two people in your life you can rely on and feel connected to,” Beurkens notes. You don’t have to overwhelm yourself by booking your calendar to the brim. Start by simply finding one new person to reach out to, and take it from there.

The bottom line.

Friendships are one of the most enriching parts of our lives, and as we get older, making new ones can seem like a challenge. But if you’re seeking new, meaningful connections in your life, it starts with a commitment both to meeting new people and a commitment to yourself.

Once you decide to make new friends, put yourself out there and get involved in an activity that really lights you up. You’re bound to meet someone new. Tell that cool girl in your yoga class you like her leggings, or introduce yourself to your neighbor down the street that you’ve always thought seemed nice. Every interaction is a chance for a new connection when you’re open and looking.

We spoke with certified sex therapist Holly Richmond, Ph.D., and certified sex coach Gigi Engle to get their insight, and as it turns out, there’s no shortage of oral sex techniques to try. With over two dozen techniques, we’re sure one of these will help you do the trick.

For creating anticipation.

For many women, orgasming is physical and mental; they need to feel relaxed and in the mood. “So much of oral sex is the lead-up to it,” Richmond notes. “Don’t dive right for the clitoris. Begin by making out and exploring other areas first,” she says, such as:

1. Try breast/nipple play.

The breasts and nipples are very sensitive, and beginning by lighting stroking, circling, or licking the nipples, or gently cupping the breasts, can really turn your partner on.

2. Nibble and/or lick the inner thigh.

As you begin heading down, build up the anticipation by nibbling or licking their inner thigh, Richmond recommends. Feel free to explore other areas with your mouth or hands as well, like the neck, stomach, and butt.

3. Keep the underwear on.

Stroke the vulva or clit with underwear still on. Again, you’re building anticipation—you could even pull their underwear to the side when you’re ready for contact.

4. Use your breath and tongue.

Try running your tongue up and down with underwear still on, or using your breath to warm up the whole area.

For clitoral stimulation.

“The clitoris is queen,” Engle says. “Always and forever. Never forget it.” When in doubt, keep your focus here, and listen to your partner as they respond to the types of clitoral stimulation.

5. Dance around it with the tongue.

Starting off, it’s a good idea to go slow. Dance around the clit with your tongue, or lightly graze it to start building sensation.

6. Lick it up and down or side to side.

Listen to and feel your partner respond as you lick their clit either up and down or side to side. You should be able to tell which they prefer, and it never hurts to ask if they like it!

7. Try sucking on it.

Some like this and some don’t, but you can try lightly sucking on the clit between strokes if they’re into it.

8. Move your tongue in a figure-8 motion.

Along with up and down, and side to side, Engle says a figure-8, or infinity, motion can also work well.

9. Stay consistent.

If your partner is clearly enjoying what you’re doing, stay consistent as far as the movement and rhythm. Constantly switching up techniques or speeds can make it harder for them to settle into the sensation.

10. Try the alphabet method.

As the name suggests, another technique is to write the alphabet with your tongue around their clit. Lots of different letters equals lots of sensation.

For extra stimulation.

Plenty of people are just fine with solely clitoral stimulation while receiving, but others may prefer extra stimulation such as penetration, Richmond notes. Here are some ideas to that end:

11. Kiss or lick the labia.

Don’t forget about the lips! The labia (both the inner and outer sets) are sensitive too, and stimulating that area can offer a more all-encompassing sensation.

12. Spread the labia.

To really expose the clit, don’t be shy—spread the labia apart and your partner will feel everything a lot more intensely.

13. Grab a breast.

Again, breasts and nipples are super sensitive—some folks orgasm from nipple play alone. With a free hand, reach up and grab their breast and/or rub their nipple as you’re going down on them.

14. Try putting a finger or two in.

If your partner likes to be penetrated during oral (some don’t, so ask!), you can use one or two fingers to penetrate the vagina. Just don’t “smash them inside willy-nilly,” Engle notes. Lightly stroke the G-spot with your fingers in a curling motion while licking their clit.

15. See if they like tongue penetration.

Some people enjoy penetration from the tongue when getting head, but it doesn’t offer as much stimulation as licking the clit, for example. See how they respond, and if they like it, alternate between the clit and vagina with your tongue.

16. Play around with their butt, if they’re into that.

Some people enjoy anal stimulation while receiving head, whether through your fingers or mouth. Again, always remember to get consent, and make sure you know what their hygiene preferences are as well. (Taking a test run in the shower is a good place to start if you’re squeamish. Here’s our shower sex guide for inspo.)

17. Incorporate toys.

Sex toys don’t just have to be for solo fun, and they can be a great addition to a healthy sex life with your partner. Plus, the options are endless based on what you and your partner like. Think vibrators, butt plugs, nipple clamps—whatever you’re into, really.

18. Try watching porn.

If you and your partner are both down for a cinematic experience, watching oral sex porn can add a little extra spice (and inspiration) to the experience.

Oral sex positions.

Depending on how long it takes them to orgasm, switching up positions can be a good way to stimulate different areas and create different sensations. Here are a handful to try:

1. The Kivin method

The Kivin method involves the receiving partner lying on their back, and the other giving head from the side, so they’re perpendicular to their partner’s body. (Here’s a visual.) This position offers a new angle, more vulva stimulation, and the potential to reach more sensitive spots.

2. Oral sex from behind

From a doggy-style-like position, give them head from behind. This position is also great if your partner is into rimming, as well. (A dental dam might be a good investment if you’re new to this.)

3. Sitting on your face

A go-to position for many, this one offers a good angle for the giver, plus lots of access to the rest of the receiver’s body–like grabbing breasts or their butt. To turn up the heat, throw out a “sit on my face” when you initially start hooking up, or whenever you want to change positions. (Here’s our dirty talk guide for more inspo.)

4. Oral on your knees

Giving head on your knees might seem like something more traditionally associated with blowjobs, but it can be hot for pretty much anyone. Remember to spread the labia here for more clitoral exposure.

5. Sitting down oral

Have the receiving partner sit in a chair. Bonus points if it’s somewhere out of the ordinary, like the kitchen table or a living room chair. With their legs draped over the sides of the chair, you’ve got easy access from below.

6. The pillow method

Put a pillows underneath their hips. Using a pillow to tilt their hips upward slightly can allow their legs to open just a bit more, and also expose more of the anus.

Extra tips:

Encouragement is key.

According to Engle, it’s important to make sure your partner knows how much you want to give oral sex. Some people don’t enjoy oral because they can’t get out of their head, when a little reassurance is all they might need. “Making them feel comfortable and sexy in their body will help them relax. A relaxed woman is one more likely to experience an orgasm!”

Be open about how hot you find your partner and how good they taste. “They’ll appreciate knowing you’re having as good of a time as they are,” Engle notes.

Make noise.

Moan into their vulva, making sure they know you’re into it. You can also periodically look up at your partner and make eye contact, keeping that connection throughout the experience.

Go for multiple orgasms.

“Not every woman can have multiple orgasms, but it can be a super-pleasurable experience,” Engle says. “This last trick won’t be for everyone, and if they ask you to stop, obviously you should listen.”

If they reach orgasm, keep going—gently! The clitoris may be too sensitive for direct contact right away, so start by kissing the thighs, perhaps teasing the labia, and after a few minutes, then go back to the clitoris, Engle explains. “If they let you—start all over again,” she says, adding, “Nothing is sexier than a partner who wants to make you orgasm multiple times.”

Remember, every partner’s body is unique.

If there’s one thing Richmond and Engle both stress, it’s that every clit is different, and it takes healthy communication to figure out what you both like in bed. So, don’t be afraid to ask what they want you to do to them, Engle says.

“You’re not a mind-reader—don’t pretend you can see into the oral sex crystal ball,” she adds. “Ask and then do exactly what they say. If they aren’t sure, there’s plenty of room for experimentation.”

And of course, once you’re underway, pay attention to physical and verbal cues. “If they’re pressing into your face and moaning, you can be pretty sure what you’re doing is working,” Engle says. “If they’re pulling away or dead silent, try something else. And you can always ask!”