Polyamory literally translates to many loves. It’s a relationship format that means a couple is dating—not just having sex with—other people. “A major misconception is that polyamory (and other forms of openly non-monogamous relationships) are just an excuse for people to not commit romantically. While some people may indeed use the guise of polyamory in this way, research shows that polyamorous relationships are just as committed as monogamous ones,” says New York City-based sexuality and relationships scientist and consultant Dr. Zhana Vrangalova. Dr. Zhana also created Open Smarter, an online course that helps people make smarter decisions about their relationship choices using their unique relationship personality.

Relationship formats are couture, not off the rack.

Relationship formats are couture, not off the rack. There are many forms of ethical non-monogamy (ENM) for couples to choose from. Some only date other people together, or play at parties, or during times of long-distance. There’s a relationship format for every couple. Polyamory is often either hierarchical poly, in which a couple is one another’s “primaries” but also dates others, or non-hierarchical (solo) poly in which one does not place any partner above another. It can be fun, it can be the ideal solution for many, but it can also be hard. And some say cannabis can help.

“My primary and other partners all smoke cannabis, so it makes it a lot easier for us to connect,” says founder and chief conspirator of The New Society for Wellness (NSFW) a sex and cannabis-friendly private members club in New York City Daniel Saynt. “I recently introduced two partners for the first time and our shared love of weed definitely helped get everyone into a comfortable mental space to explore. I loved bringing over rolled jays to the two of them while they got to know each other better. It makes these sometimes difficult talks easier.” Studies show that cannabis can increase divergent thinking, which is the brain’s way of connecting seemingly unrelated ideas. This can help couples of all relationship formats come up with fun and kinky things to do in the bedroom, such as try new role-playing scenes. The same research also shows that overall creativity is enhanced, which can help you come up with novel solutions to unique issues (such as meeting your partner’s partner, also called a “metamour”).

Jealousy will naturally arise in a poly relationship, just like any other relationship. Contrary to popular belief, poly people are not immune to jealousy, they just tend to understand how to navigate it. “Jealousy is always a concern in open relations, but how we acknowledge and navigate jealousy determines if we can help mitigate it or make it fester,” says polyamorous educator, activist, and co-founder of The Sex Work Survival Guide Tiana GlittersaurusRex.

“Cannabis helps me think more logically than rationally or emotionally when I’m facing jealousy or experiencing it myself.”

While the green may not cure the green-eyed monster, research suggests that it can help reduce negative bias. Studies have shown that THC from weed attaches to our cannabinoid receptors and can interact with our emotional processing. This can help us see the glass half full. Translated to relationship, cannabis could help us assess a situation, and rather than focus on petty jealousies, appreciate our partner. “Cannabis helps me think more logically than rationally or emotionally when I’m facing jealousy or experiencing it myself. Each inhale I take of a vape or joint helps calm my nervous system and gives me a moment to pause then organize my thoughts so I can listen to my inner voice and express myself more clearly,” she adds.

Despite all our progress, polyamory is still taboo and can come with challenges regarding coming out to family or potential partners. “I frequently work with clients who are navigating their sexuality. This causes both cognitive and somatic (bodily) dissonance, which is incredibly anxiety-provoking for most,” says somatic psychologist and certified sex therapist Dr. Holly Richmond. “Anxious people have difficulty sleeping, eating (too much or too little), with cognitive focus, maintaining stable moods, and stable relationships. Using cannabis, in my clinical experience, most often has a positive impact on the anxiety that helps people more easily cultivate understanding and awareness of their sexuality.”

“Cannabis helps calm the parts of your brain that do a lot of shaming. It can help calm the anxiety down.”

Cannabis, both in the form of medical marijuana and for those who self-medicate, is used to treat and lower anxiety. “Cannabis helps calm the parts of your brain that do a lot of shaming. It can help calm the anxiety down,” says psychologist and author of Building Open Relationships Dr. Liz Powell. However, the evidence regarding cannabis for anxiety is conflicting. While it provides natural stress relief for some, depending on one’s disposition, in addition to dosage and method of intake, it could lead to paranoia in others. “Some people can get more anxious or paranoid when consuming cannabis, and it also negatively affects working memory, so unless you’re a regular user and have developed some hacks around it, it might not result in the most productive conversation,” Dr. Zhana says.

This is why one should ideally consult a doctor or pharmacist before starting a cannabis regime to find what’s best suited for them. Just like relationship formats, cannabis is not one-size-fits-all. These days, there are so many different strains, and terpenes, and cannabinoids, and methods of intake that one can tailor their cannabis use to their needs. Because as sex and dating is more fun when it’s done responsibly, so is using cannabis, and if one is to enjoy the combination of the two *chef’s kiss* they deserve nothing but the best.

It’s difficult to breathe and difficult to explain. How do you tell a lover who cares about you that their intended touch of pleasure brings you back to the worst moment of your life? Contrary to popular drug myths about cannabis ruining your memory, I’ve personally found that the plant makes like a whole lot more comfortable. And I know I’m not the only sexual assault survivor who feels that way.

For me, cannabis keeps flashbacks at bay. Unfortunately—as is the case with most research pertaining to sexuality and cannabis—we need more. Some studies suggest that cannabis could help manage the symptoms of PTSD. So what exactly are the symptoms? According to the Anxiety and Depression Association of America, PTSD include flashbacks of a traumatic event, dissociation, avoidant behavior, shame, anxiety, and a slew of other monsters.

“Cannabis definitely can help in [sexual assault] situations,” says Harvard cannabis specialist Jordan Tishler, MD, “It helps on multiple levels. There is a physiological level; it causes relaxation and lubrication. There’s a lot to be said about its role in fear extinction.”

Such symptoms can really get in the way of dating. It’s a horrible feeling to fall for someone but have their touch trigger memories of your rapist. Medical cannabis helps keep me present and with my partner, not back in the memory of assault. “Safety, and knowing the person you’re with is trusted, has your back, can offer you all of those things in the moment to feel connected and pleasure,” Dr. Richmond says.

“Cannabis helps on multiple levels … There’s a lot to be said about its role in fear extinction.”

When used responsibly, cannabis is said to reduce stress, which in turn can help you connect with your partner and stay present in the moment. “I let my partner know that I’m having a flashback and then we’ll pause and I’ll hit my vape,” says sex and relationship coach and creator of Cannasexual, Ashley Manta, who is a multiple sexual trauma survivor herself.

“I’ll focus on the here and now—feeling the touch of a lover’s hand across my skin, the smell of the room, the sensory details really start to bring me back into the present. That heightened awareness helps me get out of the flashback and into my body again.”
As most cannabis enthusiasts know, if you overdo the THC, it can backfire. Overconsumption leads to anxiety and paranoia, which is why it’s crucial to start small. “It’s a double-edged sword,” says Dr. Tishler. “Some [cannabis] is good but a lot is probably not so good. We have to be mindful of the dosing there.”

5mg is a “starting dose” that’s often recommended for those who want to get high, and if you’re new to using cannabis, you may even want to start with 2mg. It’s difficult to suggest an exact dosage or method of intake as cannabis affects us all differently. It’s not as simple as Indica vs. Sativa. Start small; you can always take more.

While responsible cannabis use could curb flashbacks, keep survivors present, and help manage trauma-related stress, Dr. Tishler says that we want to treat the symptoms of PTSD stemming from an assault. We don’t want to try to use it as a memory-eraser or we’re never going to process and heal responsibly. One way to mitigate this risk is to pair cannabis with therapy. He likens traumatic memories to a shoebox; we want to put them away, but we want to put them away after dealing with them, not suffocate memories to death with cannabis smoke.

“We don’t want to try to use it as a memory-eraser or we’re never going to process and heal responsibly.”

“It’s not repression,” Dr. Tishler says of the healing process. “You’ve dealt with it enough to reasonably put it away for now. That doesn’t happen by accident. That happens by careful introspection, therapy, it’s work you know? Cannabis helps us get through moments where things are uncomfortable. But if we’re not careful, we can rely upon cannabis in the ways that our parents would worry about, like, we’re just tuning out.”

So use cannabis as a healing tool, but be aware that even drugs as safe as cannabis can be used to numb pain. Healing from sexual trauma is always more effective when coupled with therapy.

Cannabis is said to help ease all trauma in some users, but sexual assault trauma is gnarly. It wedges itself into your romantic life, and flashbacks interrupt the most intimate of moments. For me, personally, using cannabis before sex helps prevent flashbacks while with a partner. Once the consensual sex begins, cannabis makes it feel better by enhancing senses, increasing blood flow, and decreasing any physical discomfort.

Survivors can f*ck. Far from the image of a frail rape victim, most sexual assault survivors go on to heal and have fantastic sex lives. “The myth that trauma survivors are not sexual beings is totally bogus,” Manta says.

Thanks to time, cannabis, and therapy, I no longer have flashbacks very often. I’ve gotten quite good at staying ahead of my pain and triggers in addition to selecting partners I trust and feel safe with. I’m not thankful that a sexual assault happened to me, but I commend myself for working hard to make the most of a bad situation, and for transforming pain into self-awareness. Cannabis is not the source of such insight, but it is a powerful medicine that helped me get there.

If you have experienced sexual abuse, call the free, confidential National Sexual Assault hotline at 1-800-656-HOPE (4673), or access the 24-7 help online by visiting online.rainn.org.