What age group has the best sex?

The 2018 Match.com Singles in America report—based on a survey of 5,000 singles of all ages, ethnicities, and income levels across the U.S—found that single 66-year-old women and single 64-year-old men report having the best sex. This isn’t a surprise to Holly Richmond, CST, LMFT, a certified sex therapist and K-Y partner. “I think it confirms that great sex isn’t about having a ‘perfect’ body or being young or any of the cultural standards we’ve been fed about what sex should be,” she says. “Rather, great sex is about knowing yourself and being able to communicate what feels good to your partner.” People over 50 have the confidence and experience to embody sexual empowerment translating to better sex, Dr. Richmond says. Small changes like these 20 ways to improve your sex life in one day can help, too.

More research from the University of Michigan also found that 85 percent of sexually active adults report sex is important for their quality of life, notes Carla Marie Manly, PhD, a clinical psychologist and author of Joy from Fear. “Almost 75 percent of the older adults surveyed reported being satisfied with their sex lives,” she says. Another study focused exclusively on women found 54 percent of women find sex more pleasurable as they age. This uptick in pleasurable sex could be thanks to no longer worrying about pregnancy, having more free time, and possibly less work stress due to retirement, Dr. Manly says. Plus, people in this age group have enough experience to know what they want and how to ask for it from a partner, and they might also be wary of how quickly time flies, realizing life is too short to deny themselves pleasure, Dr. Richmond adds.

Younger people can still have a great sex life

On the flip side, Pepper Schwartz, PhD, a psychologist, and Rory medical advisor, says that young people deal with more disappointment in the bedroom thanks to their impossibly high standards. And older adults might embrace their bodies in ways younger people may not as younger age groups tend to focus on body image and “perfection,” Dr. Manly says.

Although sex in your 60s can be “the best,” Dr. Richmond, Dr. Schwartz, and Dr. Manly agree that people can have great sex at any time in their lives. “The more we learn to speak up and are unafraid to communicate our sexual likes and dislikes, the better our sex lives will be, both for ourselves and our partners,” Dr. Richmond says. You might want to speak with your partner about having sex in the morning since there are amazing perks for having sex at 7:30 am.

If you’re not in your 60s, don’t lose hope. “Best sex” is a subjective term, according to Dr. Schwartz. “The most important thing about sex as we age, and at any age, is to have the right attitude,” she says. Lots of thoughts and emotions run through your head while getting frisky, but this is what really happens to your brain when you have sex.

Dismissal and disregard: These behaviors are two of the biggest intimacy killers in relationships, according to Holly Richmond, PhD, of Sex and the Soma. “If we tell our partner that we were hurt by something they said or did, and their response is to tell us we are overreacting or that we are wrong for feeling that way, it essentially invalidates our perspective,” says Dr. Richmond. It doesn’t take long for us to figure out that this kind of discussions will only be pointless and lead to more hurt. How to avoid the double D? The first steps is to create a setting conducive to good conversation. First off, don’t text. “I have never seen an argument via text turn out well. You lose inflection and body language—two essential pieces of the communication puzzle,” says Dr. Richmond. Second, find a quiet place without the distractions of kids, pets, phones, and TVs. Sit side by side but make sure you have eye contact. “Eye contact equals vulnerability, which equals intimacy, an important part of being heard is being seen,” Dr. Richmond says.

Next, try to empathize. Remember, this doesn’t mean you necessarily agree with your partner’s perspective, but your partner feelings should be validated. “The trying to understand piece is empathy, or literally the ability to say, ‘Oh, I can see how you would feel that way,’” says Dr. Richmond. Try reflective listening to practice empathy. “For example, if your partner says, ‘I’m furious that you were so late to our dinner date. How could you do that to me?’ You say, “I get that you are really upset with me right now and that I’ve hurt your feelings,’” says Dr. Richmond. This validates their feelings much better than saying, “Oh, I was only 20 minutes late. What’s the big deal?”

Resentment: So you told your partner you didn’t need their help with cleaning the garage, but while you are combating cobwebs and getting greasy, your partner is on the greens enjoying a game of golf. “Resentment stifles emotional growth and prevents the relationships from moving forward,” says Stephen Duclos, LMFT, CST of the South Shore Family Health Collaborative. Communicating resentment starts with an honest look inward. “At what point did you agree to something reluctantly?” says Duclos. “To restore intimacy, we first have to acknowledge our responsibility, and stop blaming our partner.” These couples married 50 years don’t let resentment kill their intimacy.

The “S” topic: When one or both partners shies away from talking about sex, it’s usually because they are worried about offending or hurting the other person’s feelings. Instead, needs are swept under the rug, resulting in stilted, infrequent sex, Duclos says. Developing open communication without fear of judgment is essential in all areas of discussion. “When couples develop a process for discussing their lives and needs, it paves the way for talking about subjects that may have previously felt ‘out of bounds,’ such as those messy, unpleasant fantasies and expectations,” says Duclos. These 31 libido boosters could help you both get in the mood.

It’s not too late: Even if you and your partner have established some not-so-great communication patterns, it’s not too late to turn things around. A simple strategy to practice before you engage in conversation is to start from a positive place. Instead of focusing on what is wrong with your partner or the situation, ask yourself, “what’s right with this situation?” Dr. Bais says this positive reframing is a conscious effort we make to list and think about the great and positive things about our partner, which automatically puts us in a healthier, happier frame of mind. “This happier place is subconsciously conveyed in the micro-expressions on our face and our vocal intonation, and are picked up by the other person. You can almost say anything—it’s all in how you say it,” says Dr. Bais. When you come from a cooperative place and pay attention to how you phrase what you want to convey, your good intentions will be picked up by your partner. Read the two examples from Dr. Bais and think about which one will get better results.

Scenario #1: Partner comes home from work and the other partner launches right into being tight on money and how the partner isn’t making enough money.

Scenario #2: After rest and a nice dinner, ask your partner if it’s a good time to chat. Pleasantly share financial goals and ask for help devising a strategy to meet them.

By Lisa Marie Conklin

Quoted in Reader’s Digest

Stephen Duclos and Dr. Holly Richmond, Couple and Sex Therapists

“A snarling wife on the balustrade is more than a man can bear” Charles Bukowski

Stephen’s response:

Our partners, male or female or in between, are convenient targets for our own insecurities, anxieties, and disappointments. Therapists from Carl Rogers in the the 60’s, to David Schnarch of today, suggest that the pathway to intimacy is inward. An intimate relationship can continue to develop if there is an effective process for expressing our own feelings, including negative ones, like anger. A relationship flourishes only if it is moving forward.

     What kills intimacy in a committed relationship? Almost everything: children, work, pain, fatigue, context, money, substances, adolescence, withering sexuality, technology, loneliness, and regressed identity.

     What are the unseen symptoms? Here are a few primary signs:

1. Anxiety: We begin to worry about what our partner is thinking about us.

       Our anxieties increase with every raised eyebrow. We interpret silence as blame. We overreact to every perceived slight. We begin to avoid the possibility of hurt. We look for the negative, and we find it, even if it is not really there. All of this supports the neurobiology of anxiety. Like children lining up all the red cars and the blue cars, we organize our landscape into a field of anxiety.

       The antidote is a simple question that keeps us in the present: What is going on with you? And then we listen, carefully, and accept our partner’s answer, and then we move on. We may ask another question or two, but then we are done. Finished. And then it’s about lunch or dinner. We do not choose to carry our anxieties like bricks in a backpack until we finally find a reason to unload on the most important person in our life. Ask, listen, move on. Look for the positive in every situation, and keep looking.

2.   Resentment: Happy wife, happy life.

     This is one of those common phrases that manages to be both sexist and emasculating at the same time. For a couples and sex  therapist, it is cringe inducing. It suggests that unilateral action from the husband, his giving up on his perspective, somehow improves the relationship without the need for his partner’s perspective being articulated or interrogated. All this does is build resentment in both parties.

     Resentment is self inflicted and a major silent killer. It occurs when one person agrees to give up something essential that they cannot possibly live without. It is a delaying tactic that backfires. It gives the resentful person apparent cause to criticize the other. It supports anxiety in the person and the relationship. It stifles emotional growth. It does not recognize or accept difference. It stops the relationship from moving forward.

    If a person realizes that she/he is resentful, then we need to play the movie back. At what developmental point did I agree to something reluctantly? How much did I lose, and why did I do that to myself? This is not my partner’s fault: I agreed to something that was not possible for me. This can be something as mundane as agreeing to fold the towels in one particular way, which cannot be done by me, to agreeing not to initiate sex until 2021.

3.  Touch: Why can’t I connect with you any more? 

     A common dynamic in couples is the Pursuer/Distancer arrangement. Most couples can quickly identify whether they are the pursuer or the distancer in their relationship. This is an unconscious process that leads to problems of communication. It is also a process that will not substantially change over the life of the relationship. Understanding it, and countering its effects, allows for emotional and sexual development.

     The distancer does not want to be touched by the pursuer because touching means foreplay and unwanted sex and  possibilities for arousal that I cannot possibly perform right now because the baby is crying and I still have 97 emails to respond to before midnight. I can control this by allowing touch on my terms, usually in a group of our friends, or at public events, which is confusing for my partner. The pursuer initiates sex most of the time, as much as 100%, but typically 80 or 90%. Thus, touching and sex are connected, even when both partners just want emotional contact.

     Without touch, mammals will die. Monkeys whose mothers die at birth will choose touch over food. Without touch, relationships will die. The pursuer needs to back off so that touch is just touch and not foreplay, and the distancer needs to make allowances for different kinds of touch. This dynamic needs to be processed in a counter-intuitive way. The pursuer needs to understand their need to pursue, and to decide to distance, and the distancer needs to understand the need to distance, and to initiate. A small change in this dynamic, where the distancer initiates sex 25 to 30% of the time, for example, makes a significant difference in the joint perception of intimacy.

4.  Responsibility: My partner is responsible for my happiness, and needs to support my perspective or I will feel hurt and disappointed. 

     John needs to lose weight. His partner, Jane, does not. Jane does most of the cooking and shopping. John asks Jane to purchase and cook foods that will support his dieting, and to not bring into the house any food or desserts outside of his dietary frame. When Jane objects, John is hurt, and feels unsupported.

     It is not Jane’s responsibility to go hungry so that her partner can lose weight. John needs to take more responsibility for his own life, which would help John to grow, and lessen his resentment and anxiety. A long term relationship, moving forward, supports identity differentiation.  We need to be curious about  how our partners become, not how we want them to be. This also increases the attractiveness of the other, since we do not view our partners as static ciphers of our imagination.

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     Silent intimacy killers lie hidden beneath the beds of most couples. We do not have a means of talking about our loneliness because it might offend the other, causing defensiveness and hurt. This shows up in stilted, infrequent sex that serves as a metaphor for the relationship: we are unable to talk about our own sexual needs either when we are standing up or when we are lying down.  And if we cannot talk about our own sexuality, then we do not have a method for talking about ourselves.

    When couples feel that they have a way of talking about their needs, and a process for discussing their lives, then we can account for all of those messy, unpleasant fantasies and expectations that vex us. If we can talk about our own sexuality, and own it, then we can deal with the problems of laundry.

     Conversations between couples that express satisfaction in their relationship are brief, in the present, and unburdened by either disappointments of the past, or future imagined difficulties. And couples who see their relationship as positive, understand that there remains work to be done, processes to be refined.

    The end of couples therapy occurs when each partner in the relationship realizes that they are thinking differently, from an empty mind centering on the present, unburdened by what their own mind might have been negatively imagining. The need for creating barriers to intimacy is replaced by a tolerable vulnerability that is jointly managed from one day to the next.

Holly’s response:

Couples stop communicating because it becomes ineffective. If we are not being heard, why bother expressing our thoughts and feelings? Dismissal and disregard are two of the most harmful behaviors in intimate partnerships. If we tell our partner that we were hurt by something they said or did, and their response is to tell us we are over reacting or that we are wrong for feeling that way, it essentially invalidates our perspective. If that happens enough, we learn to stop trying. A common refrain becomes, “This conversation is pointless. You don’t hear me.”

The first step to start communicating in a more effective way is to set an ideal scene. Texting is an absolute no. I have never seen an argument via text turn out well. You lose inflection and body language—two essential pieces of the communication puzzle. Ask your partner if now is a good time to talk, find a quiet place without distraction (no TV or phones) and sit side by side but turned toward each other so that eye contact is easy. Eye contact equals vulnerability equals intimacy. An important part of being heard is being seen. 

It is vital partners understand that just because the other’s perspective is different, it isn’t wrong. If a feeling, such as hurt, is expressed authentically, the partner’s job is to validate it, sit with it for a moment and try to understand. The trying to understand piece is empathy, or literally the ability to say, “Oh, I can see how you would feel that way.” Reflective listening is a great way to practice this. For example, if your partner says, “I’m furious that you were so late to our dinner date. How could you do that to me?” You say, “I get that you are really upset with me right now and that I’ve hurt your feelings.”  You do not say, “Oh I was only 20 minutes late. What’s the big deal?”

Simply being heard and understood goes a long way toward regaining intimacy. We’ve all heard intimacy broken down like this before: in-to-me-see. It’s an effective go-to thought. Our job in relationships is to relate, which means validating our partner’s perspective and doing our best to understand it.