HR: A fan. This one cannot be overstated. I have slept with a fan since I was ten years old and it is a big-time necessity. I literally travel with one wherever I go. It’s a combination of fresh air (I sleep hot) and background noise. If you’re going to sleep with me, you’ve got to consent to the fan!

Water. I drink ALL THE TIME (and not just rose). People tell me I have glowy skin. It’s probably not from all the Cheetos or cupcakes I eat, so I’m thinking it might be the water.

Clicker. I know, I know, not a healthy way to fall asleep but watching a documentary or something on the History Channel is my favorite way to drift off. I wake up just enough to click “off.”

Walter the Farting Dog, Dragons Love Tacos, etc. There is always a kid’s book on my nightstand. I have four- and six-year-old boys, and my husband and I read to them most nights. They like falling asleep in our bed, so that’s where we keep their nightly book choice. PSA to parents to be–do not do this! The kids either end up sleeping in your bed, which is not great for sex and intimacy with your partner or yourself, or like us, you have to carry them to their beds once they are asleep. My almost seven-year-old is over 50 pounds–not great for our backs!

Cockring. Speaking of kids, my four-year-old opened my nightstand recently and found a very simple, black cockring. He asked me what it was. I told him it was a hairband, which he easily took as fact. I was proud of my quick-thinking parenting skills! I am a HUGE proponent of sex-positive parenting and all for early sex education, but thought that was a bit much to explain to a four-year-old.

Swell: If you could tell your teenage self one thing about sex, what would you say?

HR: Sex is a horrible form of validation. I equated someone desiring me sexually with self-worth, and I was entirely wrong. Self-worth is an inside job. It took me years to understand that I didn’t have to do anything to be worthy of love, attention or pleasure.

Swell: What question about sex and intimacy keeps coming up from your patients in your practice or work?

HR: “Am I weird?” Full stop. I can’t even guess how many times I have heard some iteration of this question. People have so much shame about what or who turns them on or gets them off, that it seems most of the planet walks around thinking they are strange, alone and no one could possibly understand. There is no “normal” sex so there can’t be “weird” sex. All sex is good sex as long as it’s consensual and pleasurable.

Swell: What does “self-care” mean to you?

HR: It’s about having time to do what I want to do without distraction. It isn’t about massages or facials or exercise, it’s about having guilt-free choices for how to spend my time. Sometimes my self-care time might be spending four hours working on my book, or it might be reading or doing a barre class or spending time with my husband. Again, it’s literally just about having the choice to do something or do nothing without obligations tugging at me. As a working parent, this isn’t something I get enough of, but  when I do, I luxuriate in it!

Swell: What harmful or useless sexual script have you learned to dismantle in your own life?

HR: I was definitely a girl raised to be nice. Now, I’m 100% for being kind and respectful when other people deserve it, but I’m over being nice just to avoid conflict. I can’t tell you how many times I adhered to the idea of “go along to get along.” My voice and opinion got lost far too often in sex and relationships early on in life. I didn’t prioritize my own pleasure because I didn’t speak up! I let my partners put themselves first. When I read the meme, “I owe myself an apology for all of the shit I let slide,” I thought, “Hell yes!” Being nice held me back not just from experiencing pleasure, but from feeling sexually empowered.

Once the kids leave home, though, there’s a kind of lull: an uncertainty as to what you should do next. For years, you were so busy with basketball games, school plays, and making meals. You have all of this together time you didn’t have before. What was that like all those years ago? Going back to just the two of you can be a bit daunting.

Instead of freaking out, you can take action. It’s an exciting time to reconnect, explore, and deepen your connection. You have the wisdom of years spent together—use them to your advantage!

Here are some of the very best empty-nester tips for reconnecting sexually and emotionally once your children move out.

Tip 1: Don’t pretend everything will be like it “used to be”

Before you look at each other and say, “What did we used to do that was fun and sexy?” remember that things won’t be exactly the way they were. And don’t lament this fact. It’s a good thing! You’ve been through a lot together. There have likely been health issues, big life events, and many years since you were young and first started dating. Embrace it.

Dr. Holly Richmond, CST, LMFT, a somatic psychologist and certified sex therapist, says that putting pressure on yourself to make everything exciting and new again isn’t particularly healthy. Instead, focus on the amazing bond you’ve built together.“For most couples, they have the solidity, security and deep, connected love that many years have given them, so they don’t long to go back as much as they long to resurrect a feeling of aliveness and passion,” she says.

Now is a great time to think about and explore how you would like to be intimate with each other and what you want to do together.

Sex and intimacy won’t look the same as it did when you were in your twenties or thirties. Bodies change, functions change, and people change. That doesn’t mean that intimacy isn’t possible, or that the sex won’t be hot.

Tip 2: Be patient with one another

It’s important to set realistic expectations and to come to this journey with a lot of love and patience. “Now is a great time to think about and explore how you would like to be intimate with each other and what you want to do together,” says Lucy Rowett, a certified sex coach and clinical sexologist.

This whole experience can feel overwhelming. Be willing to explore those feelings of nervousness and intensity. You may have been married for many years, but this is a whole new journey.

Tip 3: Start dating each other again.

Go to dinner, take long walks, or go see a movie. “Go out on fun and intimate date nights where you can learn to enjoy each other’s company again,” Rowett says. “Practice flirting with each other, and start exploring different kinds of touch—even if it’s holding hands on the sofa to begin with.”

Richmond adds that novel experiences are a must. Try new places together, new adventures, and new activities. Never been to the ballet? Go for it. Always wanted to go on a bike tour? Do it! “And while you are on that date, no talking about the kids,” Richmond adds.

Tip 4: Stay curious.

It’s easy to think, Hey, I’ve known this person forever. Nothing surprises me! This is not the mindset that keeps couples happy for 50 years. You need to stay curious about your partner and keep getting to know them. People are forever evolving. Even though your partner is someone who you’ve known forever, you’re both in a new phase of life. Get to know the person you’re partnered with now and fall in love all over again.

Our sexuality does not exist in a static state; it’s constantly evolving and emerging if we give it the attention and time it deserves.

“Just because you’ve lived with this person for over 18 years, do not assume you know everything about them,” Richmond says. “I suggest that my clients literally lead with something like, I’m curious about what one of your ultimate sexual fantasies would be? or I’m curious what turns you on now versus what turned you on when we first met? This leaves space for exploration without judgment.” Prepare to be surprised! You might find out that your partner likes something you previously thought they didn’t or that they want to try something you’ve never thought of before.

Tip 5: Fill out a sex menu

All relationships are enhanced through play. “Closeness and attraction are enhanced with play and arousal and attraction are especially heightened with exciting play,” says Dr. Gail Saltz, an Associate Professor of Psychiatry at the NY Presbyterian Hospital Weill-Cornell School of medicine.

Write down five things you’d like to try in bed and have your partner do the same. Then, swap lists. Take a day or two to simmer on the suggestions, circling the things you’d be interested in trying. This gives you insight into your partner’s fantasies without the pressure of having to come right out and say them.

If you’re not sure where to start, Rowett says that you could check out lovingsex.com or other sites with “instructional videos or erotic material that feature mature couples to get inspiration on how you would like to have fun together.”

Above all, be willing to explore everything from new sex fantasies to new restaurants together. Life is an adventure. Get excited about it. “Our sexuality does not exist in a static state; it’s constantly evolving and emerging if we give it the attention and time it deserves,” Richmond says.