By Sara Lindberg

“Man, I can’t keep up with my wife’s sex drive, I feel like a piece of meat,” a patient of couples therapist Dr. Wyatt Fisher once told him. The man, whose wife was pregnant at the time, had inadvertently made him feel “like she usually feels,” the husband said — chiefly, objectified, used to satisfy a need. And this man wasn’t alone. Couples often find their sex drives are inverted during pregnancy, or at least disrupted.

Fisher has seen a lot of couples over the years and tells Romper there is a variety of reasons why men may not be interested in sex as much as their pregnant partner. “For some men, their drive hasn’t changed but their wife’s is now higher than theirs and they may not be as sexually attracted towards their wife’s pregnant body,” says Fisher.

We all know the main reason women’s sexual urges can go up and down during pregnancy: hormones. As Healthline explained in a look at sex drives during pregnancy, increased blood flow during pregnancy means “easier arousal and increased sensitivity.” Early in pregnancy, however, hormone levels can sap your energy for a romp. But your partner’s not pregnant, so why is he pulling the “I’m too tired” line? Well, unfortunately, there is no standard answer about pregnancy and sex. Some people want it — they even crave it, while others, just want to be left alone (and this includes both men and women).

Many women report having “wet dreams” during pregnancy (spontaneous orgasm from erotic dream fantasy), when they’ve never had them before

Pregnancy can function as a sexual awakening of sorts for some women. The surge in estrogen and progesterone can affect their sexual appetite. Psychologist Dr. Holly Richmond tells me that many women report having “wet dreams” during pregnancy (spontaneous orgasm from erotic dream fantasy), when they’ve never had them before. She also hears about women masturbating and initiating sex more frequently with their partners.

So, obviously, it could be that a man’s sex drive hasn’t necessarily changed, but their pregnant partner’s sex drive has gone through the roof. This rang true for Fisher’s patient, who felt used. Fisher warns that can make them feel distant with their wife or partner, and may even lead to avoiding intimate moments so it doesn’t lead to sex.

Some men just aren’t into pregnancy sex. Yes, there are some who are turned on by a pregnant body, but there are others who may not be as sexually attracted to their partner’s changing body. This creates a problem for women who experience a boost in their body confidence, which consequently, ignites sexual desire.

Kelley Kitley, 39, Chicago, says she experienced a huge increase in her sex drive, especially in the second trimester. Even though her drive was higher than normal, she says her libido was typically matched by her partner’s drive. (Funny, that!)

Richmond tells me that about half of her clients who are pregnant report never feeling better about their body — they love their expanding breasts and hips, and relish how womanly and alive they feel. So, when she approaches her partner for a little action, and is met with a lackluster response, it makes sense that problems may arise.

Lauren Cecora, 29, or Northern California tells Romper that when she was pregnant she didn’t take “no” for an answer. “It was a little difficult the more pregnant I got to find comfortable positions, but when I was in the mood, it happened. My husband just went with it,” she says.

Fisher says he sees a lot of men who have anxiety around harming the baby during intercourse. He gives the example of a male client who was anxious about having sex with his wife because he was afraid he’d give his kid brain damage. Being worried about harming the baby’s head is quite common. But no matter how endowed a man is, he is not going to hurt the baby. The chances of a penis ramming the top of a baby’s head during intercourse is next to none.

For first-time dad James N., “trying to get the baby out at the very and was slightly awkward or intimidating,” and yes, he worried about jabbing the baby, but at the end of the day, he says, “who is complaining about sex?”

If you’re experiencing a dry spell because your partner isn’t into pregnancy sex, Richmond says the first question to ask a man is, “What is it that’s making them feel uncomfortable?”

If your partner is avoiding sex for fear of hurting the baby, here’s what he needs to know: “The cervix protects the baby and there’s no way a penis can penetrate it,” says Richmond. In the case of men being worried that lying on top of their partner will somehow hurt the baby, Richmond says she agrees with this one, but there is an easy fix: just change positions. She recommends trying one of the other million-ish other sex positions, such as doggy style, girl-on-top, and side-lying.

Many couples wonder what they can do to keep their sex life on track. The solution here, not surprisingly, is to talk to each other about how you feel, and about your desires and needs.

If you’re experiencing a dry spell because your partner isn’t into pregnancy sex, Richmond says the first question to ask a man is, “What is it that’s making them feel uncomfortable?” Is it the fear of accidentally hurting the baby or their partner, or is it something bigger like fear of becoming a father and all the responsibility that entails? She also says that some men just aren’t sexually attracted to pregnant women (and some are hugely attracted to them!).

“It’s really important for a man to know what his stumbling block is,” she says. And once he knows what that is, it may be a good idea for him to communicate this to his partner. “She will absolutely be wondering why he’s distant and why their relationship is lacking its usual intimacy, so it’s usually best to get them on the same page and prevent further misunderstanding.”

Certified sex therapist, Dr. Rosara Torrisi, who works with many pregnant couples, tells Romper the overall concern for most people is the fear that they are not connecting with their partner in a way that is important to them. She explains that this lack of connection brings fears of abandonment or inadequacy that can quickly become toxic in a relationship.

Torrisi says that’s why talking with an expert if your partner is having difficulty regarding you as a sexual person now that you’re pregnant, can be helpful. She also suggests that men focus on what their partner’s changing body tastes like, smells, looks, sounds, and feels like. “Change it up by trying new positions, lotions, and locations,” she suggests.

But, what about tips for women who want their needs met?

Well, the rules of intimacy and eroticism are the same. Richmond believes that if a woman wants to experience her pleasure potential, she needs to communicate what turns her on and show her partner how to help her experience the best sensations possible.

“During pregnancy, sometimes a woman will need more direct pressure in certain spots, like her clitoris, and less in others like her nipples,” explains Richmond. Every woman is an individual of course — and a pregnant individual — so the best thing she can do is to communicate her needs in a direct yet heartfelt and sensitive way. That might sound like, “I love it when you grab my breasts, but it’s too much when you touch my nipples right now. Can we switch that up?”

Torrisi suggests using oral and manual (hands-on) sex, which are both wonderful components of a couple’s sex life throughout their years together. And, of course, they can seek out the help of a couple’s therapist or sex therapist if the subject of intimacy and sex feels too difficult for them to tackle on their own.

Richmond also recommends couples plan a time for uninterrupted connection and communication. “I always suggest partners sit facing each other so they can make eye contact, which encourages empathy and understanding. From here, they need to be curious rather than judgmental about their partner’s feelings, as well as stay true to their own needs and wants.”

– Blake Bakkila

A lot of “I love you’s” were exchanged on last night’s episode of The Bachelor. But was there a lot of love? This week featured the highly anticipated Fantasy Suites, where Arie Luyendyk Jr. took the three remaining contestants on overnight dates for more “alone time.” If you haven’t seen the episode yet, take this as a formal warning that there are spoilers ahead.

By his third date, Luyendyk had broken the No. 1 rule: He told two women he was in love with them. Not crushing, not falling (though that is what he told Kendall Long), but in love. Long was sent home, and now Becca Kufrin and Lauren Burnham are the final two. They both think they’ve found the love of their lives. Needless to say, Bachelor Nation was reeling.

But what’s Arie thinking? We needed to know how (and if) it’s possible for a person to fall in love with two (or three) women at the same time. Thankfully, two relationship experts provided insight.

“Technically, yes, you can fall in love with more than one person,” Marissa Nelson, a marriage and family therapist, tells Health. “But to be in love with multiple people simultaneously—that’s a different story.”

Nelson says Luyendyk is in what she calls the “infatuation” stage of romance, when everything is new and exciting (a word this bachelor can’t seem to get enough of). “At the start of the infatuation phase, it is a chemically driven connection,” she says. “The brain is producing large amounts of hormones, like pleasure-inducing dopamine and testosterone.”

Sex therapist Holly Richmond, PhD, shares similar sentiments. “Polyamory is based romantically and erotically on loving more than one person at a time, and it’s absolutely possible,” Richmond says. “I’d say that Arie is experiencing either deep affection or lust for the three women, or both of those feelings simultaneously. It’s amazing how lust can be interpreted as love.”

By the three-month mark, Nelson says couples transition to the “attachment” phase, and they start feeling a sense of companionship that goes beyond physical attraction. Nelson says this is when couples begin to fall in love and exchange sincere “I love you’s.” That’s vastly different than the nine weeks it took Arie to say them.

“For most people, love is more about a deep knowing, feeling safe and understood, and having secure attachment,” Richmond says. “There is no way Arie has created secure attachment with any of the women at this point—he just hasn’t had enough time! I admire his enthusiasm, though.”

As we prepare for the two-night finale next week, we can only guess which woman Luyendyk gets down on one knee for—and if they can move into a loving (and enduring) attachment phase.

By Sophie Saint Thomas

The idea that you can develop a “loose” vagina from too much sex is a myth created by capitalism and the patriarchy to feed vagina insecurity and sell you dumb products. Or at least, that’s the theory I subscribe to after learning about “vagina tightening” pills and the tragically titled “18 Again” cream. I can confirm that you can have rigorous penetrative sex with penises, dildos, and even fists and your vagina won’t “stretch out.” (It might, however, feel nice and well-cared for due to all the good sex it’s having.) “Having sex and using toys is not going to cause dramatic changes in your vagina, the size, or shape, or functioning,” says Hilda Hutcherson, a professor of obstetrics and gynecology at Columbia University Medical Center.

Exercises such as Kegels, meanwhile, can improve the strength of your pelvic floor muscles, which support your pelvic organs (including your uterus, bladder, rectum, and small intestine). A strong pelvic floor can reduce incontinence issues, help you have stronger orgasms, and make for easier vaginal delivery if you plan on having kids — but it is not about having a narrow vagina.

Childbirth — especially multiple births — and regular old aging can fatigue vaginal muscles, but still, “The vagina is a miraculous organ that can stretch way out and deliver a ten-pound baby and then snap back into shape,” Hutcherson says. In fact, especially for those for whom penetration was previously painful, Hutcherson says giving birth can actually make sex feel better. Still, the toxic idea that your vaginal canal has to be narrow continues to persist — and manifests in the form of “tightening” products and techniques that just don’t work. Read on for ways people have attempted to tighten their vaginas.

1. “Vaginal tightening” pills

A company on Amazon wants to sell you 251 vaginal tightening pills for $50 . You can buy a 254 Hitachi Magic Wand vibrator for just $10 more, and I promise your body will be much happier if you do.

“There is nothing you can take orally for your vagina that’s going to affect the ‘tightness,’ and I always put that in quotations. That’s ludicrous,” Hutcherson says. These so-called vaginal tightening pills contain ingredients like Manjakani extract, or oak gall, which is a tumor-like bulb that grows on oak trees. Spoiler alert: Hutcherson says there’s no way in hell it works. Inexplicably, these pills have a nearly five-star rating. “The placebo effect is absolutely possible,” says certified sex therapist Holly Richmond. “However, it’s more troublesome that women would even be in a position to think that their vagina isn’t fabulous in all of the ways.” Don’t spend your money on these pills. Use the $50 on a vibrator or martinis with friends to toast to the death of the patriarchy and the fabulous vagina you already have.

2. Squats.

“Don’t get me wrong: Squats are terrific if you want to strengthen your butt and quads, but they won’t do, well, squat for your vagina. Yet they still pop up as a supposed way to tighten your vag. “Unless you’re doing Kegels at the same time as you’re doing your squats, that’s not helpful at all,” Hutcherson says. (And again, for the cheap seats in the back: Kegels don’t make your vagina tighter, they make your pelvic floor stronger.)

3. “Vaginal tightening” cream.

The names of some so-called vaginal tightening creams, such as ” 18 Again” and “Like a Virgin,” are sexist and creepy as hell. And the bad marketing doesn’t stop there. “Sex with that random guy from the party who might have been cute lasted 30 seconds if you were lucky. But, hey, you had a tight whoesy whatsy!” 18 Again’s product description says of what life was supposedly like when you were 18.

As a general rule of thumb, never trust anyone who calls a vagina a “whoesy whatsy” with your gynecological care. What’s more, the main ingredient in this scam of a product is glycerin, a compound often found in lube. Lube is awesome, but experts caution against using lube made with glycerin as there’s evidence it can lead to yeast or bacterial infection. Bottom line: Neither 18 Again and other “tightening” creams are a waste of money — “and why would you want to be 18 for the rest of your life? You don’t want that. You want a mature, experienced vagina,” Hutcherson says, one that provides you pleasure. Amen.

4. Vaginal Weights

Unlike “tightening” creams and pills, vaginal weights can definitely have benefits: When used correctly, they can make your Kegel practice easier and more fun. “Doing Kegels and pelvic floor exercises with weights are good for women because they can make you have stronger, more predictable and dependable orgasms,” Hutcherson says. (You’ll want to make sure that the weights you use aren’t too heavy, and that you’re using so that you don’t injure yourself.) Hutcherson’s emphasis on the pleasure you get on the other side of Kegels is important: Products like “18 Again” are so obviously marketed to capitalize on sexual insecurity and center cishet men’s pleasure. If you do invest in a vaginal weight such as a yoni egg or Ben Wa Balls, do it for you.

5. Surgery.

Recent years have seen the rise of vaginal plastic surgery such as labiaplasty, which changes the size or shape of the lips around the vulva, and vaginoplasty, which is designed to “tighten” the vagina. A vaginoplasty is done by removing skin from inside the vagina and then suturing together the vaginal tissue. Labiaplasty can easily cost upwards of $4,000, while vaginoplasty can cost $5,000 and more.

While some people opt for vaginoplasties post-childbirth, Hutcherson says that surgery is really only needed after delivering if there a tear that goes through the muscles that support the vagina. “Childbirth is a natural process that’s been going on from the beginning of time,” she points out. “It’s only recently that the surgical procedures have come up.”

In the case of labiaplasty, which people usually have to reduce the size of their labia, some choose the surgery because the length or size of their labia is causing them serious discomfort. Often, though, people have the surgery because they’ve been made to feel self-conscious about their perfectly healthy genitals. When it comes to cosmetic procedures, whether it’s Botox or a labiaplasty, do what makes you happy — but the choice to alter your body shouldn’t be to please anyone else. Richmond says when a client expresses interest in an elective genital surgery, she shows them the diversity and beauty of labia and makes sure they aren’t comparing themselves to porn stars. “It’s not a realistic representation of vaginas,” she says, adding that emulating the genitals shown in porn is like attempting to look exactly like a movie star (which, after all, is not only unnecessary but totally anxiety-provoking). So go forth and do your Kegels, but do them for you. And, if I may say so, I feel confident your vagina is beautiful the way it is.

We all know that honesty is generally the best policy when it comes to long-term partnerships, but there are certain cases where brutal forthrightness can cause more harm than good. Herewith, you’ll discover all of the phrases and sayings your wife absolutely never wants to hear. So read on, and think carefully before you speak. And if your marriage is going wonderfully and you’re looking to spice things up in the bedroom, don’t miss these amazing secrets. 

1| “You remind me of my mother.”

This might sound like a compliment in your head, but chances are that’s not how she’ll hear it. “It doesn’t matter if she gets along great with her mother in law, comparisons to any family member can completely kill the mood,” says Kimberly Hershenson, LMSW, a therapist based in NYC. Also, never say she reminds you of her own mother, for similar reasons. This is definitely one of the 40 Worst Mistakes Married People Make.

2| “Get over it.”

“If a woman is expressing her concerns or needs in the relationship and they’re dismissed, it makes her feel voiceless and powerless,” explains Dr. Wyatt Fisher, a licensed psychologist and founder of a couples retreat. No matter how unreasonable you think she’s being, find a kinder way to acknowledge her emotions. And for ways to really heat up your marriage, consider embracing your wilder side.  

3| “Don’t take this personally.”

Similarly, it’s virtually impossible not to take your spouse’s words and actions personally. “We have a right to feel what we feel, and to work through those emotions with our partners,” notes Jodi J. De Luca, PhD, a licensed clinical psychologist. “To be denied this right is to invalidate a very intimate part of who we are, and often results in psychologically unsafe relationships.” You can try regaining your significant other’s affection by using any one of the 50 Relationship Quotes to Reignite Your Love.

4| “You’re just better with the kids than I am.”

This is basically just a cop-out, even if you feel that it’s true on some level. “Women need help, especially from their significant others,” points out Vikki Ziegler, celebrity divorce attorney, relationship expert, and author of The Pre-Marital Planner. “They want their spouses to step up and help with the kids, not solely rely on them to do everything.”  Get more connected with your wife by taking part in some of the Best Bonding Activities for Married Couples.

5| “I want a divorce.”

No one wants to hear this from their spouse out of the blue, but it’s especially bad to say these words when you don’t really mean them just to incite a reaction. “So often, couples run into temporary moments of discomfort in their marriages, and instead having logical conversations about how to make the relationship better, they go straight for the ‘D’ word,” notes Allison Maxim, lead attorney at Maxim Law. “This is not only unhealthy rhetoric, but making these comments could leave your spouse feeling unsafe and insecure.”

6| “Relax!”

“In the midst of something tense, the word ‘relax’ from your spouse only ramps things up,” says Mitzi Bockmann, a certified life coach. Heed her advice and avoid this directive at all costs.

7| “Why don’t we have sex like we used to?”

Sex can be a pain point that’s absolutely worth addressing, but this phrasing is likely to put your wife on the defensive. “The first 18 months of a relationship are magical in almost every way, particularly sexually,” notes Dr. Holly Richmond, Somatic Psychologist and Head of Advisory Board for Ella Paradis. “This frenzied phase cannot be sustained, but is typically replaced by amazing levels of security and deep, attuned attachment. A lot changes happen in relationships over the years, including having children, career stress, financial strain, health problems or perhaps having to care for a parent. It is absolutely possible for long-term couples to have an exciting sex life, but it is unlikely it will ever be like it was at the beginning. Be open to moving passionately into the future, not trying to recreate the past.”

8| “You were so hot when we met.”

Again, this might seem like a nice thing to say, especially if you still find your wife attractive, but the emphasis on the past makes it easy to take offense. “Having kids, aging, exhaustion and just getting comfortable in a relationship may lead to her not dressing up as much, working out as much or even having time for makeup,” Hershenson says. “She’s still the same person, so this comment can be very hurtful.” Reconnecting can be hard. If you want some great help, check out the 30 Things Straight Couples Can Learn From Gay Couples.

9| “Is that what you’re wearing?”

“Clearly if she has it on, that’s what she was planning to wear,” says Tiya Cunningham-Sumter, a relationship coach. This dreaded phrase will make her second-guess her outfit choice and likely deliver a hit to her confidence.

10| “Stop nagging me.”

Often what’s interpreted as nagging is simply asking for help. “It can be particularly aggravating when the wife is reminding their husband of something they promised to do (several times) over the past weeks, months, or years or when the wife is expressing concern about their spouse’s health,” says Gina Gardiner, relationship expert and author.

Trust us, no matter how many times the question is asked, the right answer is always, “No, you look great!”

Having to repeat herself because you weren’t listening is likely to evoke annoyance. “For most women, emotional intimacy is a core need,” Dr. Fisher explains. “Therefore, if you respond like you’re not listening to her, it can be very hurtful and make her feel detached.”

“I find that when married couples find themselves in this situation, it is because neither of them can get on a financial plan that they both can agree on,” says Nolan Martin, a personal finance expert. “Typically, one of them is the spender and one of them is the saver. In many cases, they find difficulty in reaching common ground to prevent not having enough dollars to make it through the month.”

“This is code for maybe sometime, probably never,” Gardiner says. Heads up: Women know this.

“Most women don’t like to be asked about their orgasm prior to or during climax because it feels like pressure,” Richmond explains. “Most women would rather enjoy the entire sexual experience rather than being focused on having an orgasm—that’s an extra bonus but certainly not a prerequisite for having great sex.”

16| “I know I said I would do it but…”

It can be tempting to say you’re will do something you know you aren’t going to do just to end a conversation about it, but that’s not an effective strategy in the long-term. “Men want to keep their wives happy, so they agree to do what they are asked to do. Unfortunately their follow through isn’t always the best,” Bockmann says. “And not getting things done that they say they are going to get done is worse than saying they can’t do it.”

17| “I’m not attracted to you right now.”

“Our culture emphasizes looks above all else for women, and most women scrutinize themselves in the mirror for not feeling like they measure up,” Dr. Fisher says. “Therefore, commenting negatively about your wife’s looks can be extremely hurtful.”

The worst thing you can say to your wife when she’s not calm? This. “Men often find emotional outbursts difficult to deal with as they don’t have the resources to deal with them,” Gardiner says. “Men generally want to fix things, and when they can’t, they feel they have failed their partner. They become impatient, so instead of giving their partner the hug and support they need they are brusque, leaving their wives feeling they don’t care.” Try saying something simple and supportive instead.

This is a particularly touchy topic because it often means there’s something extramarital going on, or can be an unwelcome reminder of past relationships. “It’s scary to learn that you may contract something from your loved one who had unprotected sex in the past,” Ziegler says. “Getting tested and being proactive can help a spouse protect themselves.”

20| Silence.

“In my experience, when there is a lack of engagement, no response to questions, or no empathy expressed when they are upset, it is incredibly hurtful and damaging,” Gardiner says. “The wife feels unseen, unheard, and describes a feeling of disappearing. It destroys their confidence and sense of self-worth.” So even if you’re not sure what to say, say something.

People who smoke marijuana reported having more sexual intercourse than non-users, according to a new study conducted by urologists at the Stanford University School of Medicine.

The results were modest but statistically significant: Non-users said they had engaged in sexual intercourse between five and six times in the previous month. Daily pot smokers reported having intercourse around seven times over that same period. The frequency was in-between for people who smoked marijuana less often, on a weekly or monthly basis: they reported having sex more than abstainers, but less than daily users.

“I was surprised,” said Dr. Michael Eisenberg, the study’s senior author and an assistant professor of urology at Stanford University Medical Center.

“The daily users for example, compared to the never users, reported about 20 more sexual encounters a year. So I think that is a significant difference,” he said.

It’s the first study to look at the connection between pot smoking and sex at the population level. To tease out the association, Eisenberg and his co-author Dr. Andrew Sun used survey data drawn from more than 50,000 Americans between the ages of 25 and 45.

The data comes from the National Center for Health Statistics at the CDC. Since that survey does not ask about homosexual encounters, the results only apply to straight men and women.

Eisenberg decided to do the study because more of his patients had been asking him if smoking marijuana could be contributing to their sexual difficulties. He had previously told them it might, and to abstain just in case. He was basing his assumptions on research about the negative vascular effects of cigarette smoking. In addition, some past studies and case reports have indicated heavy marijuana use may be associated with erectile dysfunction or depressed sperm count.

But now Eisenberg is rethinking his advice, at least for some patients.

“If somebody is using marijuana to help them for chronic back pain or something like that, there may be other interventions that we can think about targeting,” he said. “Rather than telling them they have to stop, otherwise their sex life is doomed.”

For Dr. Holly Richmond, a sex therapist, the study results are “pretty remarkable.”

In her offices in Los Angeles and Portland, Oregon, Richmond has seen mixed results when her clients use marijuana. Some couples tell her that they have more sex when they use pot, but others have less sex.

She said those differences are probably attributable to how much pot someone smokes, instead of how often.

“Too much can lead to lethargy and really checking out, which does not facilitate [emotional] connection at all, and definitely doesn’t encourage sexual activity.”

Eisenberg cautioned against drawing unwarranted conclusions from the study, and cited the old statistical adage “correlation does not equal causation.”

“This doesn’t mean that if you want to have more sex you should start smoking marijuana,” he said. “That’s definitely not what this data supports.”

The study can’t explain what factors are driving the association between pot use and sex, said Dr. Igor Grant, chair of psychiatry and director of the Center for Medicinal Cannabis Research at the University of California San Diego.

He said one explanation is that people who use marijuana —or are willing to admit marijuana use in a survey —are more likely to report their sexual encounters, or remember more of them. Grant said marijuana users are also sensation seekers, and may be more driven to have sex.

“Drug use is one type of sensation-seeking behavior, and obviously sex is another,” Grant said.

Eisenberg agreed that personality and other behaviors could be a factor, but if that was the case, he would expect to see different results from different demographic groups. For example, young and single respondents might be more willing and able to engage in risky or sensation-seeking behavior, when compared to married people with children. But the results held across all categories, including race and ethnicity, educational level, income level, religious affiliation, and family status.

“For every group, the more marijuana use that they reported, the more sex they reported as well. So that was really interesting to me, and also made me think that there could potentially be some biologic explanation here,” Eisenberg said.

Richmond, the sex therapist, says she wouldn’t advise any client who doesn’t already smoke to start smoking marijuana as a sexual aid. But she said it could be reassuring to her pot-using clients to learn from the study that smoking pot doesn’t appear to decrease sexual activity.

“Individuals and couples look for additional ways to create novelty in the relationship and have fun, and that’s now a legal and accessible way to do it,” she said.

Medicinal marijuana is now legal in 29 states, and eight of them allow recreational use as well. (The District of Columbia allows both).

Dr. Eisenberg said that’s why learning more about the potential side effects of marijuana use is so critical.

By R. Morgan Griffin

If you have erectile dysfunction (ED), it’s important to get past your awkward feelings and talk things over with your partner. ED is a problem with many solutions — and it starts with the two of you. Look for a way to move beyond the stress and work together.

“If you’re in a relationship, erectile dysfunction isn’t just happening to the man — it’s happening to the couple,” says Barry McCarthy PhD, author of Coping with Erectile Dysfunction and professor of psychology at American University. If both partners face it together, they can prevent ED from pushing them apart.

When you and your partner talk about the situation, you’ll both want to keep in mind some key things about ED:

Don’t blame yourself. “Men with ED need to know that this isn’t their fault, and their partners need to know the same thing,” says Holly Richmond, PhD, a somatic psychologist and certified sex therapist in Portland, OR, and Los Angeles. It’s not because of something that either of you did or didn’t do. There’s no one to blame and no need to apologize.

ED doesn’t happen because he’s not turned on enough. Partners need to know that they won’t be able to “cure” ED if they just try harder in the bedroom. In general, adding some sparkle to your sex life is fine, but sex toys and a spending spree at Victoria’s Secret will not solve ED.

It’s common. One major study estimates that about half of all men have some degree of erectile dysfunction. And it gets more common as you get older.

It’s treatable. “ED is not a crisis, it’s a speed bump,” says Roger Libby, PhD, a psychologist and sex therapist in Seattle. “You can solve it.”

Talk to each other. Think about what you want to say and then choose a good moment — over a glass of wine or on a walk. Talk about how you feel and be ready to listen. Focus on how you want to approach the problem together.

One pro tip from McCarthy: “The worst time to talk about ED is nude in bed,” especially after an attempt at sex that didn’t work out. Get some clothes on first.

See a doctor. ED is often related to health issues or medications you take. So any man with ED needs to make an appointment with a doctor. He may suggest a medication change or treatment with ED pills.

Your doctor may also recommend that you drink less alcohol, drop pounds if you’re overweight, and get regular exercise.

Many experts recommend that partners go to the appointment, too. It will get the doctor’s attention, and it will help make sure the man will actually bring up the subject.

See a sex therapist. The name “sex therapist” may sound intimidating. But Richmond reassures her wary clients. “We won’t touch you!” she says. “We’re just normal mental health practitioners with some extra training in human sexuality.”
She usually works with couples for 4 to 5 months, meeting once a week, where she guides them through a program.

“Once a couple is over the hump, they’re off,” she says. “One success leads to the next.”

Lower the stakes. Both Richmond and McCarthy recommend that couples not even try to have intercourse for a while. Once it’s off the menu, there’s much less pressure to perform — and that makes it easier to have fun and enjoy each other.

For now, focus on other stuff in bed, like massage, Richmond says. Ramp it up gradually. After a few weeks or a month, start to use your hands or mouth. Once you’ve broken the cycle, you’ll be ready to try intercourse again.

Try to relax. ED can feel like such a big deal sometimes, like it’s the beginning of the end of your sex life. It’s not. “Don’t go to the worst-case scenario,” Richmond says. “I reassure clients that there’s usually another erection just around the corner.”

And while sex really is important to the health of your relationship, it doesn’t need to be so heavy or intense. Sex is fun, remember?

Use this as a time to reconnect, to recall why you fell for each other. Remember that you’re a couple, not just roommates or parents. You could come out of this with a more satisfying, flexible, and enjoyable sex life than you had before.

By Isadora Baum

We’re not saying you should try these at the gym. But if you have these lying around at home, it couldn’t hurt to try ’em out in private.

No one talks about it, but it’s actually pretty normal to get sexually aroused at the gym. After all, when you exercise, your body releases endorphins, a.k.a. feel-good hormones; and when you’re looking at other sexy, sweaty bodies on the treadmills, it’s hard not to feel a little turned on. But while it’s obviously not a good idea to actually have sex at the gym (there are, ya know, laws against that), it might not be such a bad idea to bring the gym into your bedroom.

What do we mean by this? As it turns out, you can easily (and safely) incorporate exercise equipment into your sex life, says licensed marriage and family therapist and AASECT certified sex expert, Dr. Holly Richmond, PhD. While heavy equipment like barbells or kettlebells is obviously off the table (save it for a CrossFit workout), there are probably a few things lying around the house that you could use to spice up your sex life instantly. That’s why we asked Richmond to recommend her favorite sex positions using gym equipment, so you can break a sweat in more ways than one.

1| The Wheelbarrow And Reverse Wheelbarrow

“Using a TRX band is a great way to try the wheelbarrow position with two variations,” Dr. Richmond says. What’s that? “Imagine your partner in a plank position, but her feet are in the foot cradles and suspended by the bands. Then, kneel behind without needing to support her legs, and instead use your hands to guide her hips back and forth. It’s kind of like wheelbarrow meets doggy style,” she adds.

Another option: your partner can get in reverse plank with her feet in the foot cradles and her legs suspended, which would give you full access to her breasts and clitoris, she says.

“Both of these positions are also perfect for her to receive oral sex (and she gets a great core and arm workout!),” Dr. Richmond adds. You can also keep her legs close together for more friction, or spread them apart to achieve deeper penetration, she adds.

2| The Christian Grey

If you’re on the kinkier side, TRX bands are also great for those who want to experiment with being tied up. TRX bands are incredibly safe, says Dr. Richmond. “At no point is anyone ever completely off the floor (her hands are always grounded) so there is no risk of falling,” she explains.

Using TRX bands to tie your partner up, or have your partner tie you up, “can bring a level of intimacy and excitement to any relationship looking to explore the sensual world of BDSM,” says Jaclinne Cheng, a kink expert and CEO and founder of Spicy Lingerie. Just make sure to set boundaries and get enthusiastic consent from your partner beforehand. “Setting up the proper safeguards beforehand is one of the most important parts of making any scene fun and enjoyable for everyone involved,” she says.

You should also do your research before trying any intricate knot tying (and no, that doesn’t mean consulting with a Boy Scout). “It’s always helpful to learn from professional doms or BDSM masters, who can help guide you and your partner to make sure any knots you are wanting to try are done in the most safe way possible for both of you,” Chengs adds.

3| The Ab Ripper

If you’re looking for more beyond wheelbarrow, Dr. Richmond has a few other tips. “TRX bands are also ideal for doing pike abdominal exercises, which translate to an incredibly sexy visual,” she says. Your partner would start out in a traditional plank position with feet in the foot cradles, but then use her core and pelvic floor muscles to push her hips toward the ceiling and bring her feet towards her hands in a V shape,” says Dr. Richmond.

4| Girl On Top Using A Stability Ball

“Stability balls are perfect for exciting and safe sex positions, but they are also one of the most unstable pieces of gym equipment, which makes falling to the floor more probable,” says Dr. Richmond. Don’t worry, though — “there isn’t far to fall and they are soft and malleable, so the risk of banging your head or knee is nonexistent,” says Dr. Richmond.

To ease your way into sex escapades with stability balls, start with girl on top, she advises. Basically, you sit on the ball and she climbs on top. “Both partners are able to use their feet to create momentum,” she says, where the ball helps increase his thrust, and then they can literally bounce across the floor.

5| Crescent Pose

“Stability balls are also amazing for what I like to call the ‘Crescent’ position,” says Dr. Richmond. “She lies with her back on the ball and drapes or backbends over it to create a crescent shape. From there, he can stand and enter her or kneel and perform oral sex. It’s an amazingly opening position for her, from the tips of her fingers to her toes.”

6| The Bouncy-Bouncy

What’s more, stability balls are also a novel way for guys to receive oral sex. “He sits on the ball while she kneels between his legs, and he can use his feet to rock the ball back and forth at the pace and depth of thrust he desires,” she explains.

7| The Tour De France

Biking is a killer workout, but your stationary bike doesn’t just have to be for exercise. As long as you’re careful and the bike is stable, says Dr. Richmond, you can get frisky on it, though she notes “it is possible to fall a foot or two and the equipment itself is hard,” she explains. She recommends you sitting on the bike seat while she sits on top of you, leaning back with her hands or elbows on the display/handle bar area.

“This gives you a great view of her breasts,” she says. Plus, if you’re pedaling, “the friction creates a novel sensation both internally and clitorally for her,” she says.

8| The Yogi

The tried and true yoga mat is good for almost any position you can imagine. “My favorite yoga posture that translates into a sex position is ‘Happy Baby,’ with her laying on her back on the floor with her feet in her hands and knees pulled toward her chest as he kneels or lies on his stomach in front of her to offer oral sex,” says Dr. Richmond.

Easy access and the comfort of a soft and non-slippery yoga mat make for an exciting experience, she says. (Just give it a thorough wash before and after, because yoga mats are filled with germs.)

9| The Hot Seat

Got a foam roller handy? (If not, here are a few foam rollers to try out.) Dr. Richmond says you can sit on the foam roller (both legs to one side, not straddling it) while she sits on top of you with her back to your chest. This way, you’ll have some leverage off the floor to then use your feet to roll back and forth for a deeper penetration.

“She can keep her feet lifted off the floor (literally using him as a seat), or place her feet on the floor between his legs and move up and down on his penis while he rolls back and forth, creating even more pleasure,” explains Dr. Richmond. The options are endless.

There are peaks and valleys in every long-term relationship. If you and your partner are going through a dry spell—sex has become inconsistent, or no longer valued in the relationship—it may be time to get things back on track. How do other couples keep things hot in the bedroom? Here, we spoke with leading sex therapists to find out what they say are the top 10 habits of highly sexual couples.

1.  They Embrace Imperfection.

Life isn’t perfect, and neither is sex. “Couples who have a lot of sex don’t look for the perfect situation, like being on vacation when your kids are not with you. In daily life, work stress, family stress, and home stress of all kinds come into play,” says Holly Richmond, Ph.D., a licensed sex therapist and marriage and family counselor. “Couples who have a lot of sex take advantage of less than perfect moments.”

2.  They Aren’t Always Sexually Selfish.

While it’s easy to get lost in the desire to feel pleasure, sex is more likely to happen when both parties aren’t so selfish. “Highly sexual couples aren’t self-centered. It’s not all about one person or the other,” says Kristie Overstreet, Ph.D., clinical sexologist, psychotherapist, and founder of TherapyDepartment.com. “These couples listen to what each other needs especially when it comes to sex. They are in-tune with each other’s sexual arousal and they deliver.”

3. They’re Comfortable In Their Skin.

Having more sex can come down to loving yourself, all of yourself, before making love to someone else. “Those who feel comfortable with their bodies don’t get hung up on how their bodies look, feel, or smell to one another,” says Overstreet. “They feel at ease with one another which allows them to take advantage of every opportunity to be sexual.”

4. They Trust Each Other.

One key trait that highly sexual couples have in common also contributes to successful marriage: trust. “You can’t be a highly sexual couple and have trust issues,” Overstreet explains. “Trust and intimacy are in tandem and you can’t have one without the other. These couples have worked through any trust issues, so this is one less barrier to their intimacy.”

5.  They Don’t Rely On Being In The Mood.

Couples who get busy frequently don’t rely on being “in the mood,” because that might be something they rarely feel, especially when kids or a busy work schedule are in the picture. “If you’re not in the mood, sometimes a little foreplay can get you there,”says Richmond. “This is especially true for women, for whom arousal often precedes desire.”

6.  They’re Eager To Have Fun.

Couples who’ve been together for a long time may feel the sexual spark beginning to fade, especially if their bedroom time turns into a predictable routine. “Sexual couples have fun. Sex doesn’t have to be super sensual,” says Richmond. “Sex can be fun and flirty. There can be laughter. Sometimes the natural way to have sex is funny and fun – give into that.”

7. They Admit What Turns Them On.

No matter how many times you’ve had sex with your partner, it can sometimes be hard to voice what it is that turns you on, or even what you’d like more of. “One thing highly sexual couples do is during sex and physical intimacy, they are verbal and open. Well before sex, tell your partner something personal, something intimate about how you are feeling,” recommends John Robinson, NMD, who specializes in sexual health and hormones. “It could be about anything. Just show that you are open. This starts the sexual communication immediately.”

8.  They Have Sex To Rekindle Connection.

Since relationships can fall stale, having frequent sex can bring back the sense of commitment and even the strong bond the two of you have built over time. “Highly sexual couples see sex as a way to simply connect, even if it is for a short while,” says Robinson. “See what happens if you simply commit to having sex every day for a week, no matter what. No excuses, just do it, and see how that starts to improve your level of intimacy, your self-esteem, and your personal bond.”

9. They’re Not Opposed To Quickies.

Finding time for sex may start to make the act of getting down and dirty with your partner something that feels like a chore. “Highly sexual couples take advantage of the ‘quickie,’” says Richmond. “Sex doesn’t have to be 20 or 30 minutes. A quickie can be very hot and passionate and can feel great.”

10.  They Have More In Common Than Sex.

Having a mutual love for getting it on isn’t all that sexual couples have in common. “Sharing hobbies and interests—hiking, adventure, travel, and the like—helps to maintain long-term sexual passion,” says Robert Weiss, LCSW, and author of several sex-focused books includingAlways Turned On. “Highly sexual couples also tend to share core values and belief systems. In a general way they tend to be on the same page with things like religion, politics, finances, education, and the like.”

By Jen Glantz

So if you’re in a relationship or you’re having a threesome with people that you know, you’ll want to think things over first and communicate any anxieties you might have.

For instance, though the thought of a threesome is exciting — and it definitely can be a fun addition and experience for a couple — it can also conjure up feelings, whether they be of jealousy, intimacy toward the “third” partner, or just plain awkwardness if it didn’t go as planned.

So you’ll want to plan accordingly and be on the same page. Here are a few steps to take.

Pick Your Magical Match, Together

Who might that lucky person be? Either way, make sure both you and your partner are OK with the chosen one. Surprisingly, this is a lot trickier than it sounds, and many couples realize they are not on the same page.

“Do you and your partner want to include a trusted friend, a casual acquaintance, someone you randomly meet somewhere like a bar or the gym, or have the anonymity of a stranger you contact online? Often, this decision is based on what comes after the threesome and whether the couple wants a one-and-done evening or a long-term relationship with the third person,” says Tino Dietrich, sex expert and CEO and founder of Ella Paradis.

Know Its Purpose and Rulebook

Why are you having a threesome, exactly? Define the purpose so you’re both aware of how it’ll affect the relationship.

“Is it about novelty, adventure, a deeper sense of connection to your partner, a same-sex experience, or all the above? It is absolutely necessary to talk about expectations if they are going to be met. Having a threesome without prior discussion often results in hurt feelings or arguments,” says Dr. Holly Richmond, somatic psychologist, certified sex therapist (CST), and licensed marriage and family therapist (LMFT).

As for rules? They surely apply here. It isn’t as simple as “the three of us will just hook up.”

Things you need to discuss: “penis-vagina intercourse, oral sex, anal sex, kissing, and anything else that may be on the table,” says Richmond, as well as who can take part in these activities with whom. For instance, she adds, “Some couples start slowly and keep the sexual acts that are most special to them reserved just for each other. And some don’t, and everything is game.”

Other important rules to consider: what happens afterwards. Will you stay in touch? Is it OK for one partner to communicate with the third person without the other person knowing about it? Can two of the three people get together without the third? Discuss these things first to save yourself from arguments later.

How to Be Safe

Enter: condoms, please. And maybe you should request that your third person get an STD test, too. Safety is a top priority. A tip? Make grabbing condoms easier (however many you’ll end up needing here) by keeping a condom box by the bed, say sex experts at Unbound. Try this one: Condom Box ($16).

“Every couple has their own preference about this. If they are having a threesome with someone they know and have been in open conversation with, they may ask for testing — all three people would share their test results. Or, for couples who are more spontaneous, condoms may be enough assurance. I’ve seen many couples have vastly different needs around protecting themselves and the relationship, so again, it needs to be part of a discussion prior to the threesome,” says Richmond.

How Kinky Do You Want to Get?

It’s important to explore each person’s preferences for toys and kinks prior to a threesome. Some people assume their favorite toy — or bondage gear — is fine, but it may not be. And if you need a vibrator to orgasm, share that with the new person so he or she knows what to expect.

A few ways to spice things up with bondage: Silk Bondage Rope ($14), Doc Johnson’s Platinum Cuffs ($25), or 50 Positions of Bondage ($6).

What’s more, if toys are OK, is sharing them OK? Maybe personal ones are better, says Richmond.

“Or maybe your boyfriend has a strong foot fetish. He probably won’t be able to keep that under wraps during a new, exciting experience, so it’s always best to disclose if he’s comfortable sharing that information. The idea here is the fewer surprises, the better,” Richmond adds.

A few fun ways to get kinkier: the iVibe Select iWand Body Wand ($162), 50 Shades Darker Principles of Lust Romance Couples Kit ($46), and the We-Vibe Sync Couples Toy ($200).

Be Self-Aware

And, lastly, know yourself. If you’re the jealous type, would a threesome work for you?

“Often, it’s hard to know until you’ve done it, and in some cases by then it’s too late and your jealousy is raging. Most of the time a couple can recover, but I have seen some instances where it ended the relationship — that is the absolute opposite outcome you should be striving for by spicing up your sex life with a threesome,” says Richmond.

A tip? If you have been jealous in the past or have enough self-awareness to recognize you are often jealous now, a threesome may not be the best for your ego or relationship.

While it might feel like a splash of cold water on your relationship, it doesn’t have to be. Before you freak out, we’ve asked experts for their take on how to approach this without making him feel crappy about his sexual interests or getting yourself into something you’re not ready for.

Here’s what they say:

Talk It Out

First off, breaking up should not be your go-to response, says Holly Richmond, Ph.D., a certified sex therapist and marriage and family counselor. Instead, chat with your partner to figure out if this is a fantasy or something he actually wants to try IRL. If it’s the latter, ask him what his expectations for the romp would be. What would the perfect threesome be like for him? How often would it happen? Encourage him to share as much detail as possible, says Richmond. (Add something extra to your sex life with the JimmyJane Form 6 vibe from the Women’s Health Boutique.)

After hearing what he has to say, decide whether a threesome is something you really want to try. If not, go to your partner and tell him you’re not comfortable with trying this in real life. Then ask him if he’s okay with keeping this scenario as only a fantasy. If he’s adamant about trying it, tell him that he needs to decide if this is something he’d risk losing this relationship over, says Richmond.

Make Sure He Knows Your Boundaries

If one of you is kinkier than the other, it’s not always a bad thing for your relationship. It can actually be a great way for those who are typically more vanilla (no shame!) to experiment, says sex therapist Kat Van Kirk, Ph.D., resident sex expert for AdamandEve.com. Plus, trying new things can also help you feel closer to your partner, she says.

However, it’s important that he’s aware that there are behaviors you’re just not open to doing—and that’s totally fine. “Your kinky partner should have enough sensitivity to work with you while honoring your boundaries,” says Van Kirk. If he’s not cool with that, you might want to assess whether this is someone you want to be with.

Negotiate Other Ways To Spice Up Sex

Based on your fantasies and interests, have a discussion about what you might be open to. For example, maybe you would be willing to try a threesome if it’s with an anonymous third party in a location other than your hometown. Hash out what you’re comfortable with—and go with that, says Van Kirk. If a three-way is totally out of the question, find some common ground by talking to your partner about the fantasies you’d be interested in trying. For example, maybe you’d like to try some Fifty-Shades style bondage or watch porn while getting down together. Just because you’re not into sex with a third person, that still leaves a lot of fun to be had.

By Aly Walansky