By Anna Breslaw, Carina Hsieh, and Rachel Varina 

In partnered relationships, especially those that are long-term, helping people understand their core belief systems around sex is key. Only from that introspective, self-aware foundation can they authentically create the sex life they want by asking for what they need.

One of the most common relational paradoxes a sex therapist manages is that of sex versus intimacy: one partner wants more sex while the other wants more intimacy. Now, of course sex and intimacy can coexist—it’s what most couples desire—but when specific needs around physical and emotional closeness aren’t being met, this divisive line becomes quite pronounced.

What I’ll typically hear from one partner is, “We never have sex,” or “You always say no.” The other partner will assert, “We never talk,” and “All you want is sex.” For example, one person feels like their partner ignores housework, childcare, and romance, yet expects them to be magically turned on and in the mood for sex at all times. The other person feels rejected, unwanted, and taken for granted, and tells themselves they are justified in not giving their partner the relationship they want because they aren’t getting the sex they want.

This becomes a passive-aggressive standoff of dueling belief systems. It is particularly dysfunctional when neither partner will budge form their position until the other does, e.g., “I’ll have sex once I feel cared for,” versus “I’ll take care of you once we have sex.” And around and around they go in an uncoordinated dance of unmet emotional and physical needs.

While it may seem like each partner is asking for something entirely different, they usually aren’t. By exploring the meaning of sex and intimacy (rather than specific acts of them), couples have an opportunity to come into alignment and co-create an erotic space that is equally satisfying.

Most people who crave intimacy are actually craving curiosity and genuine interest from their partner.

Here’s an insider sex therapist secret: Many couples have good or even great sex when they have it; it’s trudging through emotions like sadness, anger, resentment and contempt before taking their clothes off that gets in the way. It’s often not a problem of mechanics, but rather of past, unresolved grievances. Of the four common relational emotions listed above, venerated couples therapists and researchers John and Julie Gottman have determined that resentment and contempt are the most harmful to long-term partnerships. Helping couples understand and move through their resentment or contempt is a necessary first step toward both people cultivating the sex life and relationship they’re longing for.

Okay, but how?

1. Define “intimacy” and “sex.”

Intimacy to one person is not intimacy to another, and the same goes for sex. Starting with the latter, it’s important for each partner to understand what’s being asked for when sex is stated as a need. Is it penis-in-vagina, the penetration-based norm for many straight couples? Or, does sex mean oral or anal or simply lying in bed together making out? Part of my job is to help clients create a satisfying and meaningful sex life, which necessitates a sex-positive approach. The way I describe “sex-positive” is: All sex is good sex if it’s consensual and pleasurable. From this position of sex-positivity, couples can communicate more specifically about what they’re asking for when they ask for sex. Most beneficially in this scenario, when the partner who has been avoiding sex and craving intimacy understands the expectations around sex, communication opens up and allows the couple to recreate each experience and therefore disengage from the dysfunctional cycle.

Regarding intimacy, my preferred, easy-to-remember definition is, in to me see. Most people who crave intimacy are actually craving curiosity and genuine interest from their partner. They want to feel known and understood. Yes, sometimes it’s about feeling supported around the home, and perhaps being “courted” and romanced. But it almost never involves grand gestures like expensive presents, dates, or trips. Intimacy for many people can be fulfilled by their partner asking the simple question, “How are you?” and truly caring about the answer.

With a continual practice in curiosity, couples create a unique opportunity to find common erotic ground.

2. Create meaning.

This is one of my favorite questions to ask when digging for meaning around sex and intimacy: If our sex life was perfect, I would _____and then you would feel more ________. The first part of the question attends to sex, the second part, intimacy. Is sex a matter of physiological release? Is it about experiencing physical touch? Is it about feeling sexy and powerful? Is it an expression of love? Does it meet a sensual need? Similarly, is intimacy about feeling loved and cared for? Is it about being seen, accepted, and known? Is it sacred or spiritual in some way? Does intimacy equate to vulnerability and being totally open mindfully, bodily, and soulfully?

In addition to the array of answers above, the response I hear most often—from both partners—is that sex and intimacy are about connection. It just so happens that each person is asking for it in a way the other doesn’t understand. With a continual practice in curiosity, which includes radical inquiry of ourselves and our partners, couples create a unique opportunity to find common erotic ground.

3. Be specific.

At this point in your sexual and relational evolution, your partner will better understand how you define sex and intimacy as well as the meaning it confers, but no matter how long you have been together, they still can’t read your mind. Instead of guessing and potentially misreading their cues again, each time you are asking for sex or intimacy, answer these two questions for yourself:

• What do I need to feel?
• How do I want my partner to feel?

There are no wrong answers here! You may need to feel a physiological release and want your partner to enjoy the intense pleasure of a quickie. You may need to feel adored and want your partner to feel powerful. You may need to feel held (so sex actually looks like cuddling) and you want your partner to feel needed. You may want to feel animalistic and want your partner to feel empowered. You may need to feel desired and want your partner to feel appreciated.

Exploring how you feel most connected to your partner is invaluable in increasing sexual and relational satisfaction around the common paradox of sex versus intimacy. By opening up honest, authentic conversation—and setting aside resentment and contempt—you have the opportunity to reimagine a sex life that is, in equal measure, physically and emotionally fulfilling.

Meta Minds strives for relentless self development & consciousness optimization. We aim to share how to manage your ego, find your authentic voice, and discover your values and passions. All of this while staying grounded and true to yourself.

First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes… bad sex?

That’s not how the rhyme goes, but that’s what all the hoopla around postmarital sex would have you believe.

Good news: It’s exactly that. Hoopla! Fuss! Fallacy!

“Thousands, hundreds of thousands, millions of married couples have happy, healthy, and fulfilling sex lives,” says Jess O’Reilly, PhD, host of the @SexWithDrJess Podcast. Phew.

Married folks may actually have better sex… and more of it

Pick your jaw up off the ground! It makes sense if you think about it.

“As you get to know and trust your partner, you tend to become more comfortable opening up about how you feel, what you like, and what you fantasize about,” says O’Reilly. “This can lead to more exciting and fulfilling sex.”

Still unconvinced? “The data that’s out there suggests that married folks are having sex more frequently than single folks,” she adds.

Don’t underestimate the convenience of having a maybe/occasionally willing/interested partner located right beside you!

Of course, there are reasons the amount of sex might dip

The first step in having more? Understanding why you might be having less!

To have sex, you have to prioritize it

If having sex is important to you and you’re busy, guess what? “You have to prioritize it,” says O’Reilly. “This can become more of a challenge after you have kids, but it’s possible if you put in the effort.”

Her tip for prioritizing it? Put it in your schedule just as you would any other priority — whether that’s a business meeting, book club, or picking the kids up from soccer practice.

The calendar block doesn’t have to read “Bang My Boo” (though it totally can, if that’s your thing). And banging doesn’t even have to be the point!

Just set aside time to connect with each other and see what types of touch happen, says O’Reilly.

There’s a natural ebb and flow in libido over time

That’s true for folks of all genders and sexualities.

“Libido is affected by things like childbirth, illness, chronic pain, medication, stress, and substance use,” says Holly Richmond, PhD, a certified sex therapist and somatic psychologist at K-Y.

A dip in sexual desire isn’t a universal indication that something’s awry in the relationship.

You let your solo sex life fall to the wayside

Did you know libido is affected by lack of sex, too?

It might sound counterintuitive, but Richmond says, “the more you have sex, the more you want it. The less you have it, the less you want it.”

The W-H-Y comes down to hormones.

“When you have sex, there’s a release of endorphins and oxytocin that put us in the mood for sex,” she says. “Having more sex also grooves a neural pathway that teaches you to anticipate pleasure.”

That sex can be a two-person activity or a one-person activity, she says.

In addition to helping get you in the mood for partnered sex, masturbating can build your confidence.

It can also help you figure out how you like to be touched so you can better instruct your partner on how to touch you when you do have sex.

Plus, rubbing one out may also help lower your stress levels, which might help you get in the mood. #Winning.

If you can’t get in the mood, think about what’s going on outside the bedroom

The reason is simple: What you do out of the bedroom can affect what’s going on (or not) in the bedroom.

“If you’re carrying around resentment because you grudgingly do a disproportionate share of the housework, you’re not going to check this resentment at the bedroom door,” explains O’Reilly.

“Just as if you’re angry because your partner said something to undermine you in front of the kids, that anger isn’t going to immediately dissipate when you get into bed.”

Those negative feelings are also very unlikely to translate into the affection or desire needed to get it on.

The solution is two-part.

First, the partner marinating in negative feelings needs to confront their partner about what they’re feeling and why.

Then, the other partner has to respond in kind.

If you and your partner have a hard time having these kinds of conversations, you might consider a relationship therapist.

The best way to have good sex? Communicate

Whether you think you and your partner are on the same page about the type of sex you want to be having and how often you want to be having it — or you know you’re on different pages — you gotta talk about it!

“A conversation about what each partner’s expectations are around sex is critical,” says Richmond.

“You should talk about how many times a day, week, or month one of you wants to have sex,” she says.

If there’s a discrepancy in sex frequency — and most couples will at some point in the relationship — you should:

1. Continue talking about sex.
2. Prioritize other forms of sexual touch and intimacy.
3. Explore other forms of intimacy.
4. Consider seeing a sex therapist.

Beyond how often, “you should also determine what kind of sex and what feelings you want to create when you have it,” says Richmond.

For example, is it all about pleasure and an orgasm or is it more about connection?

Understanding where you both stand can help you move toward a place of empathy rather than defensiveness, which enables you to create solutions where you both feel empowered and fulfilled, she says.

Sometimes you need to put yourselves in the mood

Fun fact: There are two different types of arousal.

There’s the kind that hits you whamm-o-bamm-o all of a sudden (called spontaneous desire), and the kind that emerges once you and your partner start kissing or touching (called responsive desire).

While spontaneous desire might have been a thing right when you and your Number One started dating, “for most married couples, and people who have been in relationships for a long period of time, you have to do things to rev you up and get you in the mood,” says O’Reilly.

“If you wait to want sex to have it, you could be waiting a long time,” she says.

Exactly how you (and your partner) lean into responsive desire is going to come down to what turns you both on.

It might look like scooting closer to each other on the couch, asking for or giving a foot rub, sucking face, cuddling, or showering together.

You might even build desire all day long

Another way to get in the mood? Spend all day getting in the mood. As O’Reilly says, “Building desire starts long before clothes come off.”

What does that mean in practice, exactly?

Sexting, racy midday phone calls, or saucy notes left where your partner will find them.

Letting your partner pick out your underclothes for the day, showering together (but not touching!) in the morning, or simply telling your partner before you leave the house, “I can’t wait to hear you moan tonight.”

You can also use wearable sex tech to your advantage. The We Vibe Moxie, for example, is a panty vibrator that can be controlled by an app on your partner’s phone.

Put it on, tell your partner, then go grocery shopping. Fun!

Learning each other’s love language and desire language can help

“These may be two very different things — so it comes down to knowing your own languages, and then having open, honest conversations about them,” says Richmond.

The concept of love languages, developed by Dr. Gary Chapman, says that the way we all give or receive love could be broken down into five main categories:

• gifts
• quality time
• acts of service
• words of affirmation
• physical touch

You and your partner can learn each other’s love languages by taking this online 5-minute quiz.

This will teach you how to make your partner feel loved and appreciated, says Richmond. If your partner feels loved and appreciated, they’ll be more likely to be in the mood to fool around.

You also want to know your partner’s “desire language,” which Richmond defines as, “the way your partner likes to be shown that they’re desired.”

Do they like to be teased? Sext them before date night.

Does romance do it for them? Plan a date complete with candles, flowers, a bath, and several hours set aside just for you (sans responsibility to anyone else).

Do they like to be surprised? Leave a pair of panties in their briefcase with a note.

Do they like to be complimented? Compliment them!

Quit comparing your sex life to those of other folks

You know what they say: Comparison is the thief of joy. That also applies in the bedroom!

“You and your partner need to determine how much and what kind of sex you want to have based on what works best for you, not based on what you think you should be doing,” says Richmond.

Try something different to spice things up

“There can be a natural loss of interest in sex over time when the novelty and excitement dissipate,” says O’Reilly.

Don’t worry, it’s possible to bring back the heat.

Make a Yes, No, Maybe list

If you’ve been with your partner for a long time, you might think you know everything about their sexual preferences. But you’d probably be surprised by at least one or two things they want to try!

And that’s exactly why you and your partner should fill out a Yes, No, Maybe list (for example, this one or this one).

That may look like you each of you filling out your own list, then coming together to discuss things you’d both like to try together.

Or, that may mean making a date night out of filling one out together.

Go to a sex party/club or swinger resort

“Couples make a huge proportion of sex party attendants,” says Melissa Vitale, communication director of NSFW, a club hosting sex-positive events and workshops.

“Exploring sensuality and sexuality in a sex party setting can help a duo build intimacy, trust, and romance — whether they actually bring in a second, third, or fourth person, or just have sex with themselves in that space,” she says.

Maybe you’ll see something take place that you’re both mutually turned on by and interested in trying when you get home, she adds.

Shop for a sex toy (or toys) together

Ideally, you’ll want to do this in a store, where there are sex educators on the floor who can answer any Qs that come up.

You might try splitting up for 15 minutes, then coming back together to see what pleasure products you each added to the cart.

Or, you might bop through the store together, taking turns adding sexcessories to the cart.

Richmond recommends leaving with a toy you want to use together, as well as a toy you can each try on your own time.

“I encourage my clients to find a vibrator that works for them solo. And then to bring it into the bedroom with their partner — this is most often a huge turn on for the partner.”

Turn on porn

Despite what you might have heard, porn can actually be beneficial to a relationship.

“It’s one way couples can step into a fantasy world together,” says Richmond. “By asking each other what they want to watch, you get clues about what some of their specifics turn-ons may be — perhaps things they are too embarrassed to ask for.”

“With porn, you need to remember that this is purely for entertainment, not for education,” she says.

“Rather than using porn to set expectations about what we or our partners should look like or how we should perform, it’s about creating fantasy and a fun space to sink more deeply into pleasure.”

If you don’t know where to start, check out feminist porn sites like CrashPadSeries, Bellesa, and Lust Cinema.

Go on vacation!
You know what they say: Vacation sex is the best sex.

While experts warn against putting too much pressure on you and your boo to romp like rabbits every time you get away, Richmond says, “vacation sex really is a great way to reset a sex life or re-invigorate it.”

It isn’t the hotel sheets or room service that make vacation sex so good, though.

“It’s about the fact that you’re in an environment that allows you to leave your day-to-day, minute-to-minute responsibilities behind,” says Richmond. “[This] opens up space for you and your partner to cultivate eroticism, and step squarely into fantasy and pleasure.”

To be very clear: This means not checking Slack, email, or other notifications, if at all possible.

Some travel-friendly pleasure products to pack:

• , which has a travel lock
• , which is TSA-approved kink and BDSM gear
• , which you can bring right in your carry-on

The bottom line

Don’t let the boring trope that putting a ring on it will ruin your sex life — you and your partner get to decide what married sex looks like for you.

There are plenty of reasons — intimacy, trust, love, and familiarity, to name a few! — that married sex can actually be more fulfilling than single sex, and plenty of ways to reinvigorate your sex life if it starts to feel a little lackluster.

First, it’s important to note where tantric sex comes from. “’Tantra’ is [from] an old Sanskrit language, [and tantric sex is] a very ancient way of being together. Tantra means ‘the weave,’” sex therapist Holly Richmond, PhD, tells Health.

She says her patients view tantric sex as “something almost mystical,” but her definition is a little clearer. “It’s not sex for just sexuality purposes or physiological release—but pleasure and sensuality and being together and taking time [to have sex],” Richmond explains.

All sex is about pleasure, sure, but tantric sex places an emphasis on focusing on pleasure while you’re having sex. Think: mindfulness during sex. You probably already know how beneficial mindfulness is in your everyday life can be, but you might not have thought about how beneficial it can be in bed. Here are five surprising ways tantric sex will shake things up between the sheets.

It takes the performance element out of sex

“Tantra is kind of like the anti-porn,” Richmond believes. While porn isn’t necessarily bad, it can make a person feel like whatever is happening on screen is the sexual norm. This puts the focus of sex off of pleasure and makes it more of a presentation. “Porn is performance-based, [but tantric sex] is all about helping people slow down and get out of this performance mindset,” she explains.

This means not obsessing over what your body is “supposed” to look like and getting into a deeper headspace of thinking and feeling. How can you and your partner achieve this shift? “Start with eye gazing. Sit together so you’re facing each other, holding hands, and gaze into each other’s eyes,” Richmond advises. This moves the focus away from anxious, desire-killing thoughts like, “Am I going to stay hard?” or “What does my cellulite look like?”

It allows you to communicate exactly what you like

As many mindfulness practices do, tantric sex requires concentrating on exactly what you’re experiencing in the moment. Richmond says that you and your partner should focus intensely on exactly what feels good while you’re touching, then letting each other know what strokes you want more of.

“Be as specific as possible,” Richmond advises. For example, you could say, “I love it when you touch me here,” she suggests. You could also note that you don’t like being touched in a certain area. “Focusing on touch—what does his hand on your stomach feel like?” Richmond says. “Get out of your head and into your body—that’s what tantra’s all about.”

Connection is one of the pillars of tantric sex

If you’re looking for ways to bond with your partner more deeply, tantric sex is for you. While fast, carnal quickies are fun, tantra is about getting into positions that require physical closeness and eye contact, so you connect on a more soulful level. “For better connection I almost always recommend positions where you’re facing each other,” Richmond says.

Tantric sex also encourages couples to devote a lot of time to getting it on. “This idea of a deeper connection that’s not just about getting off—it’s about longer sessions,” Richmond explains. As a guideline, she says the minimum amount of time tantric sex lasts is about 15 minutes. The maximum? Some of her clients have reported having tantric sex for “hours and hours.”

Considering the average regular sex session clocks in at seven minutes, this is a drastic increase in time spent having sex with your partner. Think of it as an investment that pays off with a deeper relationship and more intense pleasure.

You get to redefine what sex is

Practicing tantric sex means throwing expectations of sex out the window. “Redefine what sex is. Sex is absolutely not just penetration,” Richmond explains. Before you have tantric sex, don’t focus on what you think you and your partner should be doing in bed. Instead think: “What do you want it to be for you today? Do you want penetration? Do you want to masturbate together?”

Richmond says that often couples simply go through the motions when they’re having sex without stopping to think about what they want to do. Taking the time to figure that out is one benefit that will make your relationship more honest and open.

It can lead to better orgasms

If you’re not already convinced you should give it a try, this might convince you: more and better Os.

It’s not surprising that sex designed to intensify your connection with your partner and help you focus on what feels good might lead to a better finale. Richmond says her patients have confirmed this, telling her their orgasms are more intense during tantric sex. “The orgasms are better, especially if they’re looking into each other’s eyes,” she says.

Take it from Good Morning Britain host Kate Garraway, who revealed that she schedules her sex sessions with the help of a spreadsheet. According to sex experts, she’s onto something.

In her 2017 book, The Joy of Big Knickers, Garraway shared how she and her husband went on a 14-day sex challenge that had them penciling sex into their schedule every single day for two weeks.

“When you’ve been in a relationship for a long time, the physical side of things can be very unspontaneous,” Garraway told The Sun. “So the idea is to schedule sex and force yourself to do it once a day and make it the focus of your diary.”

Okay, but does planned sex actually spice things up in the bedroom? Holly Richmond, PhD, a sex therapist in New York City, explained to Health that it really can make the action better and more adventurous.

“I prescribe this all the time to my couples,” says Richmond. “If a couple comes in to me and tells me they’re not having as much sex as they want, I tell them that the best way to get back on the horse is absolutely to schedule sex. And I know this doesn’t sound romantic, but what it’s about is building those habits and routines, and having sexuality be the norm.”

Richmond tells her clients that penciling in sex is a great short-term solution. But instead of 14 days straight, she says she typically advises couples to start with a more realistic goal of having sex three to four days a week.

Don’t think you can swing a sex session that often? Richmond says quickies are great, too—as long as you’re still managing one day a week to devote to least one hour of lovemaking.

“Fourteen days of sex can be a great challenge, but the main purpose of scheduling sex is to cultivate partnership and create a time they can look forward to,” says Richmond. “I recommend doing it at different times of the day so it doesn’t feel like a chore, but rather to recreate novelty.”

Richmond says that the idea of creating a “challenge” can add to the fun and help mix things up for couples who may still have enough sex yet really want to try something new.

With all this in mind, break out your daily planner—at the very least, scheduling sex is worth a go.

By Sara Lindberg

“Man, I can’t keep up with my wife’s sex drive, I feel like a piece of meat,” a patient of couples therapist Dr. Wyatt Fisher once told him. The man, whose wife was pregnant at the time, had inadvertently made him feel “like she usually feels,” the husband said — chiefly, objectified, used to satisfy a need. And this man wasn’t alone. Couples often find their sex drives are inverted during pregnancy, or at least disrupted.

Fisher has seen a lot of couples over the years and tells Romper there is a variety of reasons why men may not be interested in sex as much as their pregnant partner. “For some men, their drive hasn’t changed but their wife’s is now higher than theirs and they may not be as sexually attracted towards their wife’s pregnant body,” says Fisher.

We all know the main reason women’s sexual urges can go up and down during pregnancy: hormones. As Healthline explained in a look at sex drives during pregnancy, increased blood flow during pregnancy means “easier arousal and increased sensitivity.” Early in pregnancy, however, hormone levels can sap your energy for a romp. But your partner’s not pregnant, so why is he pulling the “I’m too tired” line? Well, unfortunately, there is no standard answer about pregnancy and sex. Some people want it — they even crave it, while others, just want to be left alone (and this includes both men and women).

Many women report having “wet dreams” during pregnancy (spontaneous orgasm from erotic dream fantasy), when they’ve never had them before

Pregnancy can function as a sexual awakening of sorts for some women. The surge in estrogen and progesterone can affect their sexual appetite. Psychologist Dr. Holly Richmond tells me that many women report having “wet dreams” during pregnancy (spontaneous orgasm from erotic dream fantasy), when they’ve never had them before. She also hears about women masturbating and initiating sex more frequently with their partners.

So, obviously, it could be that a man’s sex drive hasn’t necessarily changed, but their pregnant partner’s sex drive has gone through the roof. This rang true for Fisher’s patient, who felt used. Fisher warns that can make them feel distant with their wife or partner, and may even lead to avoiding intimate moments so it doesn’t lead to sex.

Some men just aren’t into pregnancy sex. Yes, there are some who are turned on by a pregnant body, but there are others who may not be as sexually attracted to their partner’s changing body. This creates a problem for women who experience a boost in their body confidence, which consequently, ignites sexual desire.

Kelley Kitley, 39, Chicago, says she experienced a huge increase in her sex drive, especially in the second trimester. Even though her drive was higher than normal, she says her libido was typically matched by her partner’s drive. (Funny, that!)

Richmond tells me that about half of her clients who are pregnant report never feeling better about their body — they love their expanding breasts and hips, and relish how womanly and alive they feel. So, when she approaches her partner for a little action, and is met with a lackluster response, it makes sense that problems may arise.

Lauren Cecora, 29, or Northern California tells Romper that when she was pregnant she didn’t take “no” for an answer. “It was a little difficult the more pregnant I got to find comfortable positions, but when I was in the mood, it happened. My husband just went with it,” she says.

Fisher says he sees a lot of men who have anxiety around harming the baby during intercourse. He gives the example of a male client who was anxious about having sex with his wife because he was afraid he’d give his kid brain damage. Being worried about harming the baby’s head is quite common. But no matter how endowed a man is, he is not going to hurt the baby. The chances of a penis ramming the top of a baby’s head during intercourse is next to none.

For first-time dad James N., “trying to get the baby out at the very and was slightly awkward or intimidating,” and yes, he worried about jabbing the baby, but at the end of the day, he says, “who is complaining about sex?”

If you’re experiencing a dry spell because your partner isn’t into pregnancy sex, Richmond says the first question to ask a man is, “What is it that’s making them feel uncomfortable?”

If your partner is avoiding sex for fear of hurting the baby, here’s what he needs to know: “The cervix protects the baby and there’s no way a penis can penetrate it,” says Richmond. In the case of men being worried that lying on top of their partner will somehow hurt the baby, Richmond says she agrees with this one, but there is an easy fix: just change positions. She recommends trying one of the other million-ish other sex positions, such as doggy style, girl-on-top, and side-lying.

Many couples wonder what they can do to keep their sex life on track. The solution here, not surprisingly, is to talk to each other about how you feel, and about your desires and needs.

If you’re experiencing a dry spell because your partner isn’t into pregnancy sex, Richmond says the first question to ask a man is, “What is it that’s making them feel uncomfortable?” Is it the fear of accidentally hurting the baby or their partner, or is it something bigger like fear of becoming a father and all the responsibility that entails? She also says that some men just aren’t sexually attracted to pregnant women (and some are hugely attracted to them!).

“It’s really important for a man to know what his stumbling block is,” she says. And once he knows what that is, it may be a good idea for him to communicate this to his partner. “She will absolutely be wondering why he’s distant and why their relationship is lacking its usual intimacy, so it’s usually best to get them on the same page and prevent further misunderstanding.”

Certified sex therapist, Dr. Rosara Torrisi, who works with many pregnant couples, tells Romper the overall concern for most people is the fear that they are not connecting with their partner in a way that is important to them. She explains that this lack of connection brings fears of abandonment or inadequacy that can quickly become toxic in a relationship.

Torrisi says that’s why talking with an expert if your partner is having difficulty regarding you as a sexual person now that you’re pregnant, can be helpful. She also suggests that men focus on what their partner’s changing body tastes like, smells, looks, sounds, and feels like. “Change it up by trying new positions, lotions, and locations,” she suggests.

But, what about tips for women who want their needs met?

Well, the rules of intimacy and eroticism are the same. Richmond believes that if a woman wants to experience her pleasure potential, she needs to communicate what turns her on and show her partner how to help her experience the best sensations possible.

“During pregnancy, sometimes a woman will need more direct pressure in certain spots, like her clitoris, and less in others like her nipples,” explains Richmond. Every woman is an individual of course — and a pregnant individual — so the best thing she can do is to communicate her needs in a direct yet heartfelt and sensitive way. That might sound like, “I love it when you grab my breasts, but it’s too much when you touch my nipples right now. Can we switch that up?”

Torrisi suggests using oral and manual (hands-on) sex, which are both wonderful components of a couple’s sex life throughout their years together. And, of course, they can seek out the help of a couple’s therapist or sex therapist if the subject of intimacy and sex feels too difficult for them to tackle on their own.

Richmond also recommends couples plan a time for uninterrupted connection and communication. “I always suggest partners sit facing each other so they can make eye contact, which encourages empathy and understanding. From here, they need to be curious rather than judgmental about their partner’s feelings, as well as stay true to their own needs and wants.”

– Blake Bakkila

A lot of “I love you’s” were exchanged on last night’s episode of The Bachelor. But was there a lot of love? This week featured the highly anticipated Fantasy Suites, where Arie Luyendyk Jr. took the three remaining contestants on overnight dates for more “alone time.” If you haven’t seen the episode yet, take this as a formal warning that there are spoilers ahead.

By his third date, Luyendyk had broken the No. 1 rule: He told two women he was in love with them. Not crushing, not falling (though that is what he told Kendall Long), but in love. Long was sent home, and now Becca Kufrin and Lauren Burnham are the final two. They both think they’ve found the love of their lives. Needless to say, Bachelor Nation was reeling.

But what’s Arie thinking? We needed to know how (and if) it’s possible for a person to fall in love with two (or three) women at the same time. Thankfully, two relationship experts provided insight.

“Technically, yes, you can fall in love with more than one person,” Marissa Nelson, a marriage and family therapist, tells Health. “But to be in love with multiple people simultaneously—that’s a different story.”

Nelson says Luyendyk is in what she calls the “infatuation” stage of romance, when everything is new and exciting (a word this bachelor can’t seem to get enough of). “At the start of the infatuation phase, it is a chemically driven connection,” she says. “The brain is producing large amounts of hormones, like pleasure-inducing dopamine and testosterone.”

Sex therapist Holly Richmond, PhD, shares similar sentiments. “Polyamory is based romantically and erotically on loving more than one person at a time, and it’s absolutely possible,” Richmond says. “I’d say that Arie is experiencing either deep affection or lust for the three women, or both of those feelings simultaneously. It’s amazing how lust can be interpreted as love.”

By the three-month mark, Nelson says couples transition to the “attachment” phase, and they start feeling a sense of companionship that goes beyond physical attraction. Nelson says this is when couples begin to fall in love and exchange sincere “I love you’s.” That’s vastly different than the nine weeks it took Arie to say them.

“For most people, love is more about a deep knowing, feeling safe and understood, and having secure attachment,” Richmond says. “There is no way Arie has created secure attachment with any of the women at this point—he just hasn’t had enough time! I admire his enthusiasm, though.”

As we prepare for the two-night finale next week, we can only guess which woman Luyendyk gets down on one knee for—and if they can move into a loving (and enduring) attachment phase.

By Sophie Saint Thomas

Period sex is like pizza: If you want it, you deserve it. You’re a human being whose sexual needs don’t switch off when blood starts coming out of you. (If sex during your period really isn’t your thing, though, that’s cool too — more on that ahead.) We rounded up seven things you should know about period sex, including insight from experts, to help you make that time of the month even more enjoyable. Read on, bleed on, and get off to your heart’s content.

1| Think of period fluids as extra lube.

Lube makes sex better, end of story. Buying lube simply means you’re an adult who understands sex feels better slippery. However, along with usual vaginal wetness, your period fluids can act as an added bonus. “It’s extra lubrication, which can be a fantastic experience,” says sex therapist Holly Richmond. It’s not gross; it’s natural. Menstrual “blood” is more than just blood — it’s thickened endometrial cells married with blood from uterine arteries. It’s actually a pretty great consistency for sex.

2| Get it on when you’re horny.

Some tend to find their libidos are highest at around the time they ovulate, while some say they notice heightened arousal during their periods (or right before). If you fall into the “gotta have it” camp while menstruating, rad, get it on. Concerned your partner won’t be into it? Ask them. But take it from someone who has had plenty of sex with people of all genders: People are generally pretty excited about an opportunity to get laid, period or no period.

In fact, your period could very well turn them on. There’s something primal about the blood: Things are messy to start with, which can allow all parties to tap into their animalistic nature. To avoid mess, you can simply put a towel underneath you and your partner. If you want to get a little fancy, you can even invest in a luxe “sex blanket” designed to absorb liquids — Liberator makes a great one. Shower sex is another good option for cleaning up while you get it on.

The same rules apply to period sex as they do for any sex. Not into it? Don’t do it. Research suggests that people who menstruate are may be horniest during ovulation, which takes place right in the middle of your cycle, rather than at the end of the cycle when you get your period. If you feel cranky and bloated during your period, how about requesting a massage from your partner as a way to enjoy intimate touch without straight-up sex? You can also turn to the pros to alleviate symptoms: Some spas, such as Greenpoint Massage in Brooklyn, even offer special massages designed to ease period pains. What’s more, sometimes waiting to have sex makes it so much better when you do. “If you don’t like period sex, the sexual build-up for when you’re done is fantastic,” Richmond says.

4| Don’t forsake birth control.

While it’s less likely, you can still get pregnant during this time. So don’t forget about contraception during period sex. Likelihood of pregnancy depends on the length of your menstrual cycle. Sperm can live inside of you for up to five days. If you have a shorter cycle, that means those suckers could still be around come ovulation — specifically, if you have sex at the end of your bleeding and then ovulate early. “Also, what people think is a period is [often] not,” says gynecologist Jessica Shepherd. Sometimes what you may think is a period is actually mid-cycle spotting. What’s more, it’s just as important to protect against STIs during your period as at any other time of the month with a method such as condoms.

5| Don’t be afraid of oral.

If your partner has a penis, I hope to goddess they aren’t using your period as an excuse to get a week of blowjobs while disregarding your pleasure. If you’re into it, and so is your partner, there’s no reason you can’t get eaten out while menstruating. In fact, some people are really turned on by going down on someone on their period, Richmond says. If your partner focuses their tongue on the clit, you can also receive oral while they avoid the blood. You can keep your tampon or menstrual cup in if you like. The Flex menstrual cup was even designed with mess-free period sex in mind.

6| Practice safe sex.

It bears repeating that you should practice the same safer sex practices while on your period as you would any time of the month. If you’re in a monogamous relationship, have both been tested, and don’t use condoms, there’s no reason to pull out the rubbers unless your partner doesn’t want blood on their penis. If you don’t know each other’s STI status, please stick with condoms, especially since Shepherd says that some research shows period sex may have a higher STI transmission rate.

7| Enjoy the pain-relieving power of orgasms.

Yes, period cramps are very real and can be mega painful. Thankfully, one pain-killing activity doesn’t have to cost a thing: having an orgasm. “Dopamine that is released during an orgasm kills pain and can help with that heavy feeling a lot of people report” during their periods, Richmond says. Want an orgasm, but don’t feel like dealing with another human? That’s what masturbation and vibrators are for. While no one should ever shame you for wanting to have sex that time of the month, you know for certain that a vibrator never will.

By Ian Kerner

Americans have a love-hate relationship with Valentine’s Day.

Some of us look forward to February 14 as an opportunity to enjoy our partner’s company (and possibly spice things up in the bedroom). Others dread what they consider a commercialized holiday that can put unrealistic pressure on their relationships.

It’s clear that the bar is high: According to one online survey of more than 2,000 respondents, more than 65% plan to show affection on Valentine’s Day, almost 85% believe that having sex is an important part of the holiday, and more than 60% say they will be disappointed if they don’t have sex that day.

With expectations like these, it’s easy to set ourselves up for disappointment. Fortunately, it’s possible to enjoy the day — and night — without creating hurt feelings or breaking the bank.

“Valentine’s Day can serve as a reminder that it’s so important to stop and appreciate the closest relationships in your life,” couples expert and sex therapist Ashley Grinonneau-Denton said. “To me, the holiday has always been a great reminder of the importance of love, attachment, affection and closeness.
“The caveat is, however, that if this special day stands in isolation, it will quickly become a distant memory and will do very little for a couples’ relationship long-term.”

Here’s how to make the most of February 14, whether you’re coupled or single.

Make a plan

It may not seem so, but having a conversation about Valentine’s Day ahead of time can make the actual day much more romantic.

Your new year’s sex resolution: Be less spontaneous

“Talk with your partner about what you’d like out of the holiday and whether you feel Valentine’s Day is important to you,” sex therapist Sari Cooper said. “By beginning the conversation a week or so beforehand, you can co-create a celebration (or not) that is a collaborative event, making compromises for both partners’ desires and creating a realistic plan to ensure both of you feel heard emotionally.”

And remember that the element of surprise isn’t the most important part of the day. “Don’t set your partner up to fail, and don’t keep desires and expectations to yourself,” advised Rachel Needle, a psychotherapist and sex therapist. “Telling your partner ‘I would love to go to Pier 115 for dinner,’ for example, or ‘I would love sunflowers’ doesn’t make them bringing you flowers or taking you to the restaurant any less special.”

Pay attention

Surprise can be a good thing. A little insight into your partner can go a long way by showing them you’ve listened to them. “Consider doing something your partner has told you in the past they wanted to do: a picnic, a walk on the beach, a certain new restaurant,” Needle said. “It doesn’t have to cost a lot of money to be special, but rather it needs to be thoughtful.”

Spice things up

According to that online survey, 55% of the participants indicated that they were willing to try something new sexually on Valentine’s Day. Of course, what that means for you and your partner depends on your particular relationship. “One way to increase intimacy on this holiday is to take a different stance on things and make it all about fun,” sex therapist Francie Stone said.

Are you ‘normal’ in bed?

“You could put together a goodie basket of things like massage oil, a feather, a sexy dice game, a blindfold and more. You can try them all or only the ones you really like, or just use the fun to get started and leave the rest to your individual imaginations.” This helps make the night playful without necessarily the pressure of intercourse.

If you plan on having sex, try doing so before you go out to dinner on Valentine’s Day, sex therapist Tammy Nelson said. “Lots of couples go out to dinner or cook a rich meal at home and drink wine or cocktails to celebrate February 14,” she explained. “After a full meal and drinks, it is less likely that any sex — much less hot sex — will follow.”

Or consider taking sex off the table altogether. “There are so many nerve endings in the lips that are connected to the limbic system and can help create the perfect foreplay for future intimacy encounters,” sexual health counselor Aleece Fosnight said. “A good makeout session that only leads to kissing can leave partners wanting more, creating more intensity for future intimate activities.”

Love yourself

If you’re single, Valentine’s Day can seem like a holiday for everyone else. But you don’t have to feel left out if you’re not in a romantic relationship. Instead, take the opportunity to practice a little self-love.

That could mean indulging in a massage or a new sex toy, dining out with friends or even seeking out companionship. “If you’re single and wouldn’t mind meeting someone but setting up a date on Valentine’s Day feels too staged, Meetup is a fantastic option,” sex therapist Holly Richmond said. “Hundreds of Meetup groups plan special events and activities for Valentine’s Day, but they aren’t necessity geared toward singles coming together to meet other singles.”

Whether you choose to celebrate Valentine’s Day or ignore it, remember that expressing love and affection for your partner shouldn’t be limited to one special day. Take the pressure off the holiday by celebrating your relationship every day.