By Haein Jung

Everyone paired up and tied each other up under the guidance of the show’s guest sexologist Shan Boodram. According to Boodram, Shibari is “used to improve trust in relationships.” Too Hot To Handle skimmed over the step-by-step instruction and jumped right into the entertaining, but not altogether accurate, depiction of Shibari.

“It looks like some string was tossed to them, some shapes were shown, and they went at each other while the camera roamed around to pick up the gossip,” Midori, a sexologist, educator, and author of Seductive Art of Japanese Bondage, told Women’s Health. “I felt really bad for the presenter.”

There’s much more to Shibari than what you saw on screen. Here’s everything you need to know about Shibari, according to a Shibari expert and a sex therapist.

So, what is Shibari?

Shibari or Shibaru are forms of the Japanese word to tie, according to Midori. Similarly, Kinbaku essentially means “really tight bondage” and can be used interchangeably. “It is childhood joyous play with adult sexual privilege and cool toys,” she adds.

“Shibari is a form of bondage using ropes and originated in Japan,” adds Holly Richmond, PhD, a somatic psychologist and certified sex therapist. “They use specific types of rope made out of hemp.”

The type of rope used is important and distinguishes Shibari from other forms of bondage. “The hemp ropes are easier to tie and they don’t hurt as much against the skin,” she told Women’s Health. (That’s right: Shibari is *not* supposed to inflict injuries despite what you saw on Too Hot To Handle…but more on that later). Shibari ropes are softer and a bit thinner than what’s commonly used in Western forms of bondage.

What are some common Shibari terms I should know?

Shibari includes a top (someone who is tying the ropes) and bottom (someone who is being tied up). Rigger refers to “someone tying bondage in a professional context,” according to Midori. While beginners can do floor tie on the literal floor or on a bed, more advanced Shibari may include suspension and lifting someone off the floor using the ropes.

The more recent term ‘bunny’ for someone receiving rope, is problematic because it comes with gendered assumptions, says Midori. All genders can top or bottom, and switch between the roles whenever they like. (Worth noting: Too Hot To Handle did show the men and women taking on both roles.) However, you can self-tie, or Shibari without a partner and tie the ropes on yourself.

Safe words are also an important part of Shibari, as with any BDSM activity. “These are words or signals to indicate that either one of you want to change what’s happening,” says Midori. Richmond agrees and recommends something really random like “poodle.”

What’s the history of Shibari?

Shibari has ancient Japanese roots. “The visual imagery harkens back to how prisoners and criminals were restrained in Japan, during the medieval and edo periods (1200s to late 1800s),” says Midori. Over the years, it found its way into underground adult entertainment venues and then crossed the pond when World War II GIs exported what they saw.

“Today, it’s developed into a 21st century form of pleasure craft, in no small part to sexting, sexuality, and kinky social sites, and all the digital sex pictures sharing mediums,” Midori explains.

Why do people practice Shibari?

“The reason why a lot of people prefer Shibari over traditional bondage is because of the time and attention to detail it takes to perfect these knots,” Richardson told Women’s Health. As a result, Shibari becomes a mindfulness practice, as well.

“The person in the dominant position, who is tying the knot, has to be singularly focused on tying this knot,” says Richardson. “They’re in the present moment, they’re focusing on something tactile, so they’re not in their head about any of the typical things people can get in their heads about during sex.”

It’s mindful for the person in the submissive role as well. “Now, for the person who’s being tied up, they’re staying in the present moment, but they’re focusing on sensation and relinquishing control,” she adds.

Shibari doesn’t have to include penetration or oral sex, either. It can just be about the binds. “By the time you’re touching and tying and wrapping and laughing and moving, then you’re out of your head and into your body,” says Midori. “Your skin comes awake, and you become more bodily aware.”

How can Shibari strengthen your relationship?

Shibari, just like most bondage, is all about control and communication. Both partners are playing with the control dynamics and talking through each step with only rope as a prop. Shibari is meant to encourage feelings of “empowerment on both sides,” says Richardson. It’s also scripted and planned out, so both partners openly communicate about what’s happening and what they’re going to do.

Shibari also includes the intimacy of touch all over. “When ropes go on the body, remember ropes cannot move without somebody’s hands moving,” notes Midori. “So it’s not just the ropes going on the body, it’s somebody touching on you a lot.”

The experience isn’t limited to the tying up portion of Shibari, either. “It’s so over overlooked,” says Midori. “Unwrapping the rope is extremely sexy and sensual! Take your time and savor that, as that’s often when the skin and body is really awake to sensuality.”

How can I try Shibari?

It can take time and plenty of practice to learn the many knot variations involved in Shibari. “The whole point of it is these intricate knots,” Richardson says. “It’s really an intricate tying system.”

For anyone interested in trying it, Richardson recommends reading a book on the practice or signing up for a workshop to learn proper technique. You should ensure your teacher is licensed as a sex therapist, a sex educator, or a sex coach, she says. Suspension is a more advanced level of Shibari.

But, you can still find joy in Shibari, no knot-tying badge required. Midori suggests starting with the basics, like you would in a dance class. She also recommends watching a video tutorial or reading a book to learn more.

Midori explains that self-tying is a great way to practice, especially RN. “Many of the techniques can be enjoyed solo, as well,” she explains. “It’s a brilliant way to wake up the skin and get back into one’s body.”

Or, you can try some knots on objects around your home. “You can also practice basic skills on pillows and stuffed animals before trying your hand on tying a lover,” Midori says. “There are worse ways to spend social distancing.”

Does Shibari hurt?

A major misconception about Shibari, and other forms of bondage, is that it’s painful. That’s just not true, according to Richardson. “In general, it doesn’t hurt, it might be a little uncomfortable,” she says. The idea that you’ll get bruises or any types of injuries from Shibari? Also “100 percent not true.”

The submissive person gets to choose and communicate to the dominant person exactly what level of sensation they’d like to experience, she adds.

“Shibari definitely fits with my sex positive approach, which is all sex is good sex as long as it’s consensual and pleasurable,” says Richardson. “It’s not a dangerous practice; it’s not a violent practice; it’s not a weird practice.”