It’s a tricky question, so we asked sex therapists to weigh in.

Is porn cheating?

Watching porn is not considered cheating in every relationship, but it can be in some relationships. It depends on the relationship parameters the partners have agreed on.

“Cheating is, at its simplest, actions that cross the agreed-upon boundaries in a relationship. If both parties agree to not view porn and one person does in secret, then in that circumstance, yes, it could be considered cheating,” explains Shadeen Francis, LMFT, CST, a licensed marriage therapist and board-certified sex therapist.

But watching porn isn’t in itself a betrayal, Francis emphasizes. The betrayal happens when one person knowingly crosses a line they’ve agreed not to cross in the relationship.

Of course, many couples never explicitly discussed porn before entering into the relationship—and this lack of transparency can also lead to hurt feelings. “Often, this question hasn’t even been discussed, so when the one partner finds out the other is watching porn, they feel betrayed,” explains Holly Richmond, Ph.D., LMFT, a licensed marriage therapist and AASECT-certified sex therapist.

Part of the confusion here stems from the assumptions around what it means to be in a monogamous relationship: Some people assume that being sexually exclusive means that porn must be off the table, whereas others see watching porn as more of a personal, solo sexual activity and therefore not related to cheating because it doesn’t involve other people. There isn’t a right or wrong answer here—it’s just about how the individuals in a given relationship see it and what they agree on going forward.

“However, if we look at the absolute criteria for cheating—secretive physical or emotional engagement with someone outside of the relationship—it is hard for porn to check this box. Certainly there is no touch and almost never any communication,” Richmond says. “Most people watch for some sort of stress relief or anxiety reduction. It isn’t as much about sex as it is about a biological physical release. It is almost never about connecting with the performers.”

The problem with demonizing porn.

Everyone’s allowed to have their boundaries in a relationship. At the same time, Francis emphasizes the importance of making sure not to create a culture of hostility around a partner’s natural desires—which can be worse for the relationship than the actual porn.

“Most folks have been instructed to view porn (and any other form of self-focused pleasure) as a comment on relationship sexual satisfaction or, at worst, a threat to partnered pleasure. This misconception makes the landscape of desire dangerous and is often more harmful to the relationship than the porn viewing itself,” Francis explains.

“Arousal isn’t a threat. People still have the ability to decide what they do with their time, attention, and, yes, genitals. Partners cannot control their partner’s behavior; you do not have agency over anyone else’s body. Even if the behavior reflects a value difference, unless they have agreed not to watch porn themselves, you cannot enforce or mandate another person’s relationship to their body. This leads to unhealthy power dynamics, reinforces a relationship culture of surveillance and insecurity, and is deeply shameful for both parties involved.”

That means that the answer to disagreements about porn use often aren’t simply to force the person to stop watching porn—it often won’t work, and it can often make matters worse.

“Even if the person says they will give it up, most likely they won’t, so this dynamic doesn’t work anyway,” Richmond says. “No one wants to be controlled, and our partner’s mind and bodies are not ours to own. There must be open communication about what porn means to both people and a collaborative agreement going forward, as well as an attempt to perhaps meet in the middle.”

Can porn negatively affect a relationship?

“Yes, watching porn can negatively impact a relationship, but it’s most often not because it’s ‘cheating.’ It’s because the couple hasn’t talked about why they want to or don’t want to watch porn and what meaning porn has to them,” Richmond explains. “Porn itself isn’t the risk to the relationship; not talking about it is.”

In general, research has produced mixed results about the effects of watching porn. Many studies have found porn is associated with lower relationship satisfaction, while others have found porn more commonly has no effect or even positive effects on couples’ sex lives. (If you really want to get into the weeds, here’s our deep dive on how porn affects relationships.)

One of the most common concerns about porn use in relationships is that the person is watching porn because they’re not satisfied with their sex life with their partner. But according to Francis, that worry is often grounded in their partner’s insecurities about their own desirability.

“This topic can open up some really meaningful conversations within relationships,” she says. “Often, more than porn, couples are needing to resolve conflicts around the infrequency of sex, the kinds of sex that are being had (or not), or unmet needs for reassurance about their individual desirability.”

Signs that porn is negatively affecting the relationship.

Here are a few signs that your porn use might be affecting your relationship, according to Richmond:

• You’re hiding your porn use from your partner because you think or know they won’t approve of it.
• You or your partner’s erotic energy is going exclusively toward porn, resulting in a low-sex or sexless relationship.
• You or your partner expect sex with each other to look like the sex in porn.
• You or your partner try to “perform” during sex to meet porn standards.
• You feel like you can’t ask for what you want in bed; you feel pressured to mimic what you see in porn.

How to talk about porn with your partner.

If you watch porn and don’t know how your partner feels about it, Richmond says it’s important to just have a conversation about it. Here’s a simple conversation starter:

“I was reading an article about watching porn in relationships, and I realized we’ve never really had a conversation about that. I don’t want to keep secrets, so I thought it’d be good for us to talk about this and see how we both feel about it.”

It can be helpful to explain what you get from watching porn, whether it’s just for a quick physical release, a way to explore fantasies, or whatever else it might be. It’ll also be important to reassure your partner that your porn use doesn’t have to do with how you feel about them so they don’t worry. (Or if it does feel related to your feelings about the relationship, bring up those concerns so you can start working on them together!)

Often navigating feelings around porn use will take more than just one conversation, so make sure to give your partner time to process if they need it, to ask questions to understand their feelings about it, and to be proactive in making sure your partner feels secure in the relationship.

What to do if your partner watches porn:

1. Have a nonjudgmental conversation to understand each other’s points of view.

A conversation is imperative, no matter how awkward it might feel.

It’s important to understand why your partner watches porn and what they get out of it, says Richmond. “Is it about anxiety reduction, boredom alleviation, mood improvement, sleep enhancement, novelty, curiosity, exploration, or one of dozens of other reasons? Again, it is almost never because the porn-watching person isn’t happy with their partner or because they have a desire to cheat.”

Likewise, your feelings about the issue are valid. Explain what feelings are coming up for you now that you know about your partner’s porn use. Try to convey these feelings without attacking or judging your partner for their porn use. Focus less on convincing each other about who’s right; instead, focus on understanding the feelings and needs each of you is describing.

2. Give yourself a reality check.

“Porn is media designed to be arousing by showing scenes of actors and performers experiencing pleasure,” Francis reminds. “Even if what your partner views doesn’t please you, in particular, how does it make you feel to know that they can be turned on by their own fantasies? Have you ever been aroused by anything that wasn’t directly related to your partner? If yes (which is the answer for most people), that is normal.”

3. Make honesty a priority.

Finding out about a partner’s porn use can sometimes feel jolting or even traumatizing because it feels like there’s been a secret between you this whole time. As Richmond points out, the secrecy is often more damaging than the porn use itself.

So putting the porn aside for a second, it’s worth having a conversation about the importance of honesty and transparency in your relationship: Why was there such a big secret between the two of you for this long? How can you foster an environment where your partner feels safe sharing intimate truths about themselves with you? And how can they assure you that you can trust them to be honest going forward?

4. Check in on how well each other’s needs are being met in the relationship.

How connected are the two of you feeling these days? Is there excitement and passion in the relationship? Do you feel like your sexual and emotional needs are being met? Do you both feel sexy and desired?

These are all questions that can come into focus when porn use comes up, so it’s a great time to check in on how the two of you are feeling and what you can do to make sure you both feel super secure in the relationship. When you’re feeling good about the relationship (and in your sex life), often the question of porn feels less threatening.

5. Build your sexual self-esteem.

For many people, learning about a partner’s porn use can make our own insecurities—about the relationship and ourselves—flare up.

“The worry about whether the porn watcher is dissatisfied or disinterested in sex is often grounded in their partner’s internalized insecurities about their own desirability,” Francis says. “Working on your own sense of sexual worth and appeal can help lessen the fear associated with knowing that other people are also sexually appealing.”

Work on building your sexual self-esteem, connecting with your own sexual energy, and enjoying the benefits of masturbation yourself.

“Your partner can support this journey also,” Francis adds. “How does your relationship make room for sexual attention, flirtation, or just compliments?”

6. Make space for compromise.

Both Francis and Richmond say that asking your partner to stop watching porn altogether is likely not an effective strategy and will ultimately just put more strain on the relationship. So in place of ultimatums, find ways to really connect as a couple and breathe new life into the relationship. Ask your partner to really hear and understand your feelings, and really listen and try to understand theirs.

While you might never see completely eye to eye on porn, there may be ways for you to meet somewhere in the middle. Richmond suggests considering options like watching porn together (mutual masturbation is a thing!) or even creating your own.

If you and your partner are struggling to make progress in these conversations, seeing a couples’ therapist, counselor, or coach can be very helpful. A professional can guide you through these tough conversations and help you get creative with solutions.

On January 20, the first American developed Covid-19 symptoms shortly after returning from Wuhan, China. At the time, the story was a blip in the news cycle, and the great citizens of this country continued swapping spit and gargling cum none the wiser. By March 13, Donald Trump declared a national emergency. Covid became a household name. And on top of worrying about toilet paper and, you know, dying, those households had to figure out how to maintain a healthy sex life when a dystopian future became the present.

Publications and relationship experts began speculating that divorce rates would skyrocket due to couples stuck inside with nothing to do but notice each other’s crotches become hairier and smellier. For many folks, despite the risks of outside human contact, cheating on their significant other was a much-needed outlet. We often become selfish in our efforts to maintain a lust for life. “For the most part, I’ve seen cheating behaviors go up,” says psychologist and sex therapist Holly Richmond. “I think a lot of that is because we lost that external focus of jobs, vacations and business travel.”

Variety is the spice of (your sex) life.

It doesn’t mean you have to go full poly, but there’s a valid case for trying new positions, wearing wigs and pretending to be Russian spies, having sex in your kid’s bed, whatever. “We can’t forget that fire needs air,” Richmond says. “To create that resemblance of desire, we need that newness, that novelty that most humans need to feel turned on. That’s really fucking hard to do when you’re stuck in the same room as someone for months on end and there’s nothing you can do about it.”

Now, writing this as a sex-positive queer millennial in favor of ethical nonmonogamy, I must admit that I consider cheating old-fashioned. But it turns out, cheating can save a marriage just like an open arrangement can. There’s an old gendered expression that says men cheat to stay in a relationship, while women cheat to leave. I asked James Hamilton*, a man in his mid-50s who lives outside Concord, New Hampshire if cheating during quarantine helped save his marriage. “Yes is all I can say. Big time,” he says. He cheated before Covid began because, although his marriage was doing fine, he had sex with his wife only once every six months. But he’s stepped up his game since Covid hit.

“I’ve connected with two other women: a local single mom whom I met in May on Seeking Arrangement, and a woman who lives several hours away whom I was able to visit while passing through her city,” Hamilton says. “Both were very rewarding, sexually pleasing trysts!”

Although Hamilton says he is not concerned about giving his wife Covid, it is a risk. Cheating has always come with the hellish and humiliating worst possible outcome of giving your primary partner herpes and then having to explain how it happened. Now, on top of blisters and warts, comes the risk of transmitting another viral infection—and this one is potentially deadly.

“Close personal contact is the main mode of Covid transmission. Sex certainly falls into that category,” says Dr. Alex Polyakov, a clinical epidemiologist and senior lecturer at the University of Melbourne in Australia. “Barrier methods, such as condoms, while providing protection against STDs, will not be effective in stopping the spread of the Covid-19 virus. They do not prevent the exchange of nonsexual bodily fluids, such as sweat, saliva and infected aerosols exhaled by affected individuals. Overall, any personal interaction puts an individual at risk of contracting the virus. Sex, especially outside a monogamous relationship, would definitely increase one’s risk.”

So basically, kissing is more likely to give you Covid than sticking your dick in someone, although the two tend to go hand in hand.

Rebecca, a 23-year-old college student from Pennsylvania, was not quarantined in farty sweatpants with her boyfriend. They were one of many couples separated due to the pandemic. He went home to New Jersey and, because she is immunocompromised due to Crohn’s Disease, she stayed with her parents. They visited each other roughly five times between mid-March and June. While Rebecca followed strict isolation, her boyfriend saw friends and attended Black Lives Matter protests and other activities that made her proud. His activism, however, came with a side of secret pussy after reconnecting with an old friend for whom he previously had feelings. Eventually, he came clean.

“When I found out he was seeing her and I didn’t know, I was definitely worried about exposure,” Rebecca says. “He confirmed that he had been seeing people and doing things in public without informing me, which is messed up to do to anyone, but especially me because I’m high risk and I was going against my better judgment to see him at all.” They are not on good terms at the moment.

Among other things, Covid is the ultimate excuse to text your ex. Although back in “before” times, a text from an ex was a casual occurrence that one could blame on Mercury retrograde, the crushing depression of the walls closing in on you while in quarantine leaves the sexy work to the imagination. A text from an ex can lead to a nostalgic memory of banging in a pool on vacation, even if it did come with a bacterial infection. A memory turns into a sext, a sext turns into nudes and next thing you know you’re saving your ex as “Aunt Diane” in your phone so your partner doesn’t catch on. But what is emotional cheating, anyway?

“Would you be comfortable showing your partner your phone? If at any point you want to hide your phone, you are emotionally cheating,” Richmond says. “Privacy versus secrecy—we all deserve some privacy, especially around sexuality, but if it feels like a secret then it’s probably emotional cheating.”

Before we burn both the physical and emotional cheaters at the stake, let’s review the facts. We are living in the dystopian future we read about. Relationships are always hard, and humans are horny.

Staying true to one person for the rest of your life is hard in Disney films, let alone a deadly pandemic under the Trump administration.

We need all the love and affection we can get. Talk to your partner. Set boundaries. Share where you’re at sexually. Discuss jealousy and open relationships. Are you worried about more getting Covid or your partner deepening an emotional connection with someone else electronically? Don’t be the white boy who uses a Black Lives Matter protest to pick up side pussy and expose your immunocompromised girlfriend. You can step up to the plate and get honest with yourself, and your partner, about your limits and needs. And, if you want any sort of sane guidance on pandemic safety from elected officials, please vote Trump out of office this November. Then have a threesome with your partner and a girl you met online while wearing masks to celebrate.

Some names and identifying details have been changed to ensure anonymity.