By Alexa Fricilone

By Devon Barrow

Masturbation used to be a hush-hush topic saved for private conversations. But these days, as we’re rinsing shame out of sexuality, the holistic importance of sexual pleasure has come into full view. Backed by tons of positive science and research, we’re finally starting to see masturbation for what it really is: a wellness practice.

We tend to think of wellness as green smoothies and cycling classes, so where does masturbation fit in? To get clear on the subject, we connected with Dr. Holly Richmond, Ph.D., LMFT, CST. “I believe we should consider masturbation as a wellness practice because sex and self are not dualistic,” she describes. “There’s not my general health over here, and my sexual health over here.”

As Dr. Holly confirms, sexual health is a holistic part of our being. And that doesn”t necessitate a partner. Masturbation is just as effective at promoting sexual health…especially with the help of brands that stand for pleasure and its role in our daily lives, like Dame. Their products, designed to nourish sexual wellness and deepen connections, make it easier for us to enjoy masturbation more and claim the many health benefits behind it. And BTW, there are many.

The health benefits of masturbation.

In order to fully reap the health benefits of masturbation, we need to understand what it’s about on a deeper level. “I prescribe [self-pleasure] all the time,” Dr. Holly shares. “I don’t call it masturbation because people tend to think of that as goal-oriented, and the goal is usually to have an orgasm. Sexual pleasure is also good for us, and that doesn’t have to include an orgasm.” The bottom line is: Sexual pleasure comes with all sorts of health benefits, orgasm or not. So let’s dive in:

1. Masturbation strengthens your pelvic floor.

According to Dr. Holly, self-pleasure helps make our pelvic floor stronger. And while orgasms aren’t necessary, they certainly help. “Orgasms are like a mini-workout for the pelvic floor,” she describes. “When we orgasm, there are these micro-contractions that help enhance our pelvic floor… This prevents incontinence and makes our orgasms stronger.” So the question on everyone’s mind: How do we make orgasms easier and frequent? Dame’s AerTM is a powerful arousal tool that uses thrilling pulses of air to simulate oral stimulation. Designed to take us all the way, right away, consider this one workout you’ll never skip.

Aer™ – Suction Toy

Pom® – Flexible Vibrator

Eva® – Couples Vibrator

2. Self-pleasure boosts your mood.

Most of the benefits that come from sexual pleasure happen as a result of the oxytocin and dopamine released by the body. As Dr. Holly describes, these natural chemicals wash our prefrontal cortex and our brainstem, leaving us with an overall sense of wellness. Along with boosting our mood, the PomTM can help us get in the mood too. Fitting snugly in the palm of your hand, the Pom offers broad or targeted stimulation for more pleasure, with more ease. With five different intensity and vibration settings, it’ll get the dopamine flowing.

3. Orgasms help us sleep better.

“For some of my clients, having an orgasm is something they do at the end of the day that helps them sleep,” says Dr. Holly. For many of us, sexual pleasure is something that deescalates the nervous system, leaving us in a state of peace and calm. Studies show that sexual activity can lead to a release of oxytocin (the cuddle hormone) and prolactin (a hormone that makes us sleepy) while inhibiting cortisol (the stress hormone)—like a neurotransmitter nightcap for better sleep.

Image by BONNINSTUDIO / Stocksy

 

4. Self-touch can help promote the health of our skin.

Exfoliate, moisturize, and self-pleasure…your new skin care routine. The hormonal release that happens with sexual pleasure decreases stress, improves our sleep, and promotes relaxation. Add all these benefits up, and you get glowing skin. On top of that, sexual pleasure has been proven to raise estrogen levels, which can help maintain the youthfulness of our skin. So for the sake of your skin, enjoy extra pleasure with a partner by trying out Dame’s famous and bestselling EvaTM. This wearable clitoral vibrator stays in place during sex to enhance partner play without getting in the way.

5. Masturbation helps us stay present.

We all have the meditation apps and mindfulness books, but we may be forgetting that sexual pleasure is a simple practice to bring us here and now. “To have great sex with ourselves, we do have to be in the present moment, so there is another benefit,” Dr. Holly confirms. “When we’re taking care of ourselves with our self-pleasure practice…it’s going to help us feel more present instead of being in the shame or depression of the past or in the anxiety of the future.”

Make pleasure a practice.

The conversation surrounding masturbation is quickly changing. It’s no longer something to blush about or keep secret. (And if 76% of women and 92% of men masturbate, was it ever really a secret?) It’s important to remember that talking about masturbation means talking about pleasure. As Dr. Holly puts it, “I’m very much an advocate of any time that we’re defining or looking at sexual health—we’re talking about pleasure.” Dame offers sexual wellness products that put pleasure at our fingertips. But they also offer other products, like their Arousal Serum and Massage Oil, which help us turn pleasure into a practice.

“Dame’s sexual wellness products help us receive more benefits from masturbation because there’s literally something for everyone,” Dr. Holly says. “There’s lube to get you started and so many different kinds of vibrators based on your own sexual template. Dame does such a good job of checking all of those boxes.”

The more pleasure we experience, the better we feel—there’s no question about that. But the science shows that more pleasure also means more health and well-being. From better moods to deeper sleep to brighter skin…we officially have every reason to masturbate more.

By Julie Nguyen

By Ellie Montgomerie and Aimee Batuski

In partnered relationships, especially those that are long-term, helping people understand their core belief systems around sex is key. Only from that introspective, self-aware foundation can they authentically create the sex life they want by asking for what they need.

One of the most common relational paradoxes a sex therapist manages is that of sex versus intimacy: one partner wants more sex while the other wants more intimacy. Now, of course sex and intimacy can coexist—it’s what most couples desire—but when specific needs around physical and emotional closeness aren’t being met, this divisive line becomes quite pronounced.

What I’ll typically hear from one partner is, “We never have sex,” or “You always say no.” The other partner will assert, “We never talk,” and “All you want is sex.” For example, one person feels like their partner ignores housework, childcare, and romance, yet expects them to be magically turned on and in the mood for sex at all times. The other person feels rejected, unwanted, and taken for granted, and tells themselves they are justified in not giving their partner the relationship they want because they aren’t getting the sex they want.

This becomes a passive-aggressive standoff of dueling belief systems. It is particularly dysfunctional when neither partner will budge form their position until the other does, e.g., “I’ll have sex once I feel cared for,” versus “I’ll take care of you once we have sex.” And around and around they go in an uncoordinated dance of unmet emotional and physical needs.

While it may seem like each partner is asking for something entirely different, they usually aren’t. By exploring the meaning of sex and intimacy (rather than specific acts of them), couples have an opportunity to come into alignment and co-create an erotic space that is equally satisfying.

Most people who crave intimacy are actually craving curiosity and genuine interest from their partner.

Here’s an insider sex therapist secret: Many couples have good or even great sex when they have it; it’s trudging through emotions like sadness, anger, resentment and contempt before taking their clothes off that gets in the way. It’s often not a problem of mechanics, but rather of past, unresolved grievances. Of the four common relational emotions listed above, venerated couples therapists and researchers John and Julie Gottman have determined that resentment and contempt are the most harmful to long-term partnerships. Helping couples understand and move through their resentment or contempt is a necessary first step toward both people cultivating the sex life and relationship they’re longing for.

Okay, but how?

1. Define “intimacy” and “sex.”

Intimacy to one person is not intimacy to another, and the same goes for sex. Starting with the latter, it’s important for each partner to understand what’s being asked for when sex is stated as a need. Is it penis-in-vagina, the penetration-based norm for many straight couples? Or, does sex mean oral or anal or simply lying in bed together making out? Part of my job is to help clients create a satisfying and meaningful sex life, which necessitates a sex-positive approach. The way I describe “sex-positive” is: All sex is good sex if it’s consensual and pleasurable. From this position of sex-positivity, couples can communicate more specifically about what they’re asking for when they ask for sex. Most beneficially in this scenario, when the partner who has been avoiding sex and craving intimacy understands the expectations around sex, communication opens up and allows the couple to recreate each experience and therefore disengage from the dysfunctional cycle.

Regarding intimacy, my preferred, easy-to-remember definition is, in to me see. Most people who crave intimacy are actually craving curiosity and genuine interest from their partner. They want to feel known and understood. Yes, sometimes it’s about feeling supported around the home, and perhaps being “courted” and romanced. But it almost never involves grand gestures like expensive presents, dates, or trips. Intimacy for many people can be fulfilled by their partner asking the simple question, “How are you?” and truly caring about the answer.

With a continual practice in curiosity, couples create a unique opportunity to find common erotic ground.

2. Create meaning.

This is one of my favorite questions to ask when digging for meaning around sex and intimacy: If our sex life was perfect, I would _____and then you would feel more ________. The first part of the question attends to sex, the second part, intimacy. Is sex a matter of physiological release? Is it about experiencing physical touch? Is it about feeling sexy and powerful? Is it an expression of love? Does it meet a sensual need? Similarly, is intimacy about feeling loved and cared for? Is it about being seen, accepted, and known? Is it sacred or spiritual in some way? Does intimacy equate to vulnerability and being totally open mindfully, bodily, and soulfully?

In addition to the array of answers above, the response I hear most often—from both partners—is that sex and intimacy are about connection. It just so happens that each person is asking for it in a way the other doesn’t understand. With a continual practice in curiosity, which includes radical inquiry of ourselves and our partners, couples create a unique opportunity to find common erotic ground.

3. Be specific.

At this point in your sexual and relational evolution, your partner will better understand how you define sex and intimacy as well as the meaning it confers, but no matter how long you have been together, they still can’t read your mind. Instead of guessing and potentially misreading their cues again, each time you are asking for sex or intimacy, answer these two questions for yourself:

• What do I need to feel?
• How do I want my partner to feel?

There are no wrong answers here! You may need to feel a physiological release and want your partner to enjoy the intense pleasure of a quickie. You may need to feel adored and want your partner to feel powerful. You may need to feel held (so sex actually looks like cuddling) and you want your partner to feel needed. You may want to feel animalistic and want your partner to feel empowered. You may need to feel desired and want your partner to feel appreciated.

Exploring how you feel most connected to your partner is invaluable in increasing sexual and relational satisfaction around the common paradox of sex versus intimacy. By opening up honest, authentic conversation—and setting aside resentment and contempt—you have the opportunity to reimagine a sex life that is, in equal measure, physically and emotionally fulfilling.

By R. Morgan Griffin

If you have erectile dysfunction (ED), it’s important to get past your awkward feelings and talk things over with your partner. ED is a problem with many solutions — and it starts with the two of you. Look for a way to move beyond the stress and work together.

“If you’re in a relationship, erectile dysfunction isn’t just happening to the man — it’s happening to the couple,” says Barry McCarthy PhD, author of Coping with Erectile Dysfunction and professor of psychology at American University. If both partners face it together, they can prevent ED from pushing them apart.

When you and your partner talk about the situation, you’ll both want to keep in mind some key things about ED:

Don’t blame yourself. “Men with ED need to know that this isn’t their fault, and their partners need to know the same thing,” says Holly Richmond, PhD, a somatic psychologist and certified sex therapist in Portland, OR, and Los Angeles. It’s not because of something that either of you did or didn’t do. There’s no one to blame and no need to apologize.

ED doesn’t happen because he’s not turned on enough. Partners need to know that they won’t be able to “cure” ED if they just try harder in the bedroom. In general, adding some sparkle to your sex life is fine, but sex toys and a spending spree at Victoria’s Secret will not solve ED.

It’s common. One major study estimates that about half of all men have some degree of erectile dysfunction. And it gets more common as you get older.

It’s treatable. “ED is not a crisis, it’s a speed bump,” says Roger Libby, PhD, a psychologist and sex therapist in Seattle. “You can solve it.”

Talk to each other. Think about what you want to say and then choose a good moment — over a glass of wine or on a walk. Talk about how you feel and be ready to listen. Focus on how you want to approach the problem together.

One pro tip from McCarthy: “The worst time to talk about ED is nude in bed,” especially after an attempt at sex that didn’t work out. Get some clothes on first.

See a doctor. ED is often related to health issues or medications you take. So any man with ED needs to make an appointment with a doctor. He may suggest a medication change or treatment with ED pills.

Your doctor may also recommend that you drink less alcohol, drop pounds if you’re overweight, and get regular exercise.

Many experts recommend that partners go to the appointment, too. It will get the doctor’s attention, and it will help make sure the man will actually bring up the subject.

See a sex therapist. The name “sex therapist” may sound intimidating. But Richmond reassures her wary clients. “We won’t touch you!” she says. “We’re just normal mental health practitioners with some extra training in human sexuality.”
She usually works with couples for 4 to 5 months, meeting once a week, where she guides them through a program.

“Once a couple is over the hump, they’re off,” she says. “One success leads to the next.”

Lower the stakes. Both Richmond and McCarthy recommend that couples not even try to have intercourse for a while. Once it’s off the menu, there’s much less pressure to perform — and that makes it easier to have fun and enjoy each other.

For now, focus on other stuff in bed, like massage, Richmond says. Ramp it up gradually. After a few weeks or a month, start to use your hands or mouth. Once you’ve broken the cycle, you’ll be ready to try intercourse again.

Try to relax. ED can feel like such a big deal sometimes, like it’s the beginning of the end of your sex life. It’s not. “Don’t go to the worst-case scenario,” Richmond says. “I reassure clients that there’s usually another erection just around the corner.”

And while sex really is important to the health of your relationship, it doesn’t need to be so heavy or intense. Sex is fun, remember?

Use this as a time to reconnect, to recall why you fell for each other. Remember that you’re a couple, not just roommates or parents. You could come out of this with a more satisfying, flexible, and enjoyable sex life than you had before.

There are peaks and valleys in every long-term relationship. If you and your partner are going through a dry spell—sex has become inconsistent, or no longer valued in the relationship—it may be time to get things back on track. How do other couples keep things hot in the bedroom? Here, we spoke with leading sex therapists to find out what they say are the top 10 habits of highly sexual couples.

1.  They Embrace Imperfection.

Life isn’t perfect, and neither is sex. “Couples who have a lot of sex don’t look for the perfect situation, like being on vacation when your kids are not with you. In daily life, work stress, family stress, and home stress of all kinds come into play,” says Holly Richmond, Ph.D., a licensed sex therapist and marriage and family counselor. “Couples who have a lot of sex take advantage of less than perfect moments.”

2.  They Aren’t Always Sexually Selfish.

While it’s easy to get lost in the desire to feel pleasure, sex is more likely to happen when both parties aren’t so selfish. “Highly sexual couples aren’t self-centered. It’s not all about one person or the other,” says Kristie Overstreet, Ph.D., clinical sexologist, psychotherapist, and founder of TherapyDepartment.com. “These couples listen to what each other needs especially when it comes to sex. They are in-tune with each other’s sexual arousal and they deliver.”

3. They’re Comfortable In Their Skin.

Having more sex can come down to loving yourself, all of yourself, before making love to someone else. “Those who feel comfortable with their bodies don’t get hung up on how their bodies look, feel, or smell to one another,” says Overstreet. “They feel at ease with one another which allows them to take advantage of every opportunity to be sexual.”

4. They Trust Each Other.

One key trait that highly sexual couples have in common also contributes to successful marriage: trust. “You can’t be a highly sexual couple and have trust issues,” Overstreet explains. “Trust and intimacy are in tandem and you can’t have one without the other. These couples have worked through any trust issues, so this is one less barrier to their intimacy.”

5.  They Don’t Rely On Being In The Mood.

Couples who get busy frequently don’t rely on being “in the mood,” because that might be something they rarely feel, especially when kids or a busy work schedule are in the picture. “If you’re not in the mood, sometimes a little foreplay can get you there,”says Richmond. “This is especially true for women, for whom arousal often precedes desire.”

6.  They’re Eager To Have Fun.

Couples who’ve been together for a long time may feel the sexual spark beginning to fade, especially if their bedroom time turns into a predictable routine. “Sexual couples have fun. Sex doesn’t have to be super sensual,” says Richmond. “Sex can be fun and flirty. There can be laughter. Sometimes the natural way to have sex is funny and fun – give into that.”

7. They Admit What Turns Them On.

No matter how many times you’ve had sex with your partner, it can sometimes be hard to voice what it is that turns you on, or even what you’d like more of. “One thing highly sexual couples do is during sex and physical intimacy, they are verbal and open. Well before sex, tell your partner something personal, something intimate about how you are feeling,” recommends John Robinson, NMD, who specializes in sexual health and hormones. “It could be about anything. Just show that you are open. This starts the sexual communication immediately.”

8.  They Have Sex To Rekindle Connection.

Since relationships can fall stale, having frequent sex can bring back the sense of commitment and even the strong bond the two of you have built over time. “Highly sexual couples see sex as a way to simply connect, even if it is for a short while,” says Robinson. “See what happens if you simply commit to having sex every day for a week, no matter what. No excuses, just do it, and see how that starts to improve your level of intimacy, your self-esteem, and your personal bond.”

9. They’re Not Opposed To Quickies.

Finding time for sex may start to make the act of getting down and dirty with your partner something that feels like a chore. “Highly sexual couples take advantage of the ‘quickie,’” says Richmond. “Sex doesn’t have to be 20 or 30 minutes. A quickie can be very hot and passionate and can feel great.”

10.  They Have More In Common Than Sex.

Having a mutual love for getting it on isn’t all that sexual couples have in common. “Sharing hobbies and interests—hiking, adventure, travel, and the like—helps to maintain long-term sexual passion,” says Robert Weiss, LCSW, and author of several sex-focused books includingAlways Turned On. “Highly sexual couples also tend to share core values and belief systems. In a general way they tend to be on the same page with things like religion, politics, finances, education, and the like.”

By Jen Glantz