What does demisexuality mean?

Demisexuals generally don’t feel immediate sexual desire. “They lead with emotional connection, not sexual interest,” says Holly Richmond, PhD, LMFT, a certified sex therapist in private practice.

But over time, emotional connection can lead to feelings of sexual attraction. “For some demisexuals this may be a matter of several weeks, for others, several months,” Richmond says.

Here are some signs you may be demisexual, according to Casey Tanner, MA, LCPC, a certified sex therapist and founder of The Expansive Group:

• You’ve had the experience of not being attracted to someone at first, but felt attraction build up once you felt an emotional connection.
• You’ve never felt sexual desire for someone you weren’t close to.
• You can’t relate when friends are sexually attracted to a celebrity or someone they’ve just met.
• You have trouble relating to people who enjoy casual sex.

Pansexual vs. demisexual: Pansexual people are attracted to others regardless of their gender or biological sexual orientation. Pansexuals can be demisexual if they need an emotional bond to feel attraction, but pansexuals can also be asexual or feel immediate sexual attraction.

At the beginning of a relationship, a lack of interest in sex may cause challenges for demisexual people.

“There needs to be open communication about what the expectations are early in the relationship,” Richmond says, so the demisexual person doesn’t feel rushed into sex and their partner doesn’t feel rejected.

“It is also important that they clarify to their partner that it isn’t a lack of sexual attraction, but rather that the sexual attraction takes longer to grow,” Richmond says.

Myths about demisexuality

• Myth 1: Demisexual people don’t like sex. Demisexuality isn’t the same thing as asexuality, in which a person has no sexual attraction or interest in sex. “On the contrary, just like anyone else, demisexual folks are capable of full, exciting, passionate, and wide-ranging sexual dynamics,” Tanner says.
• Myth 2: Demisexual people are attracted to everyone they’re close with. Just because sexual attraction can grow out of an emotional bond doesn’t mean it always will. “The same way that gay people aren’t attracted to everyone of the same gender, demisexual folks aren’t attracted to everyone they’re emotionally investing in,” says Tanner.
• Myth 3: Demisexuality determines sexual orientation. Demisexuality doesn’t affect which genders you’re attracted to, only the way your attraction develops. You can be bisexual, straight, gay, or any other sexual orientation at the same time as being demisexual.
• Myth 4: Anyone who doesn’t like casual sex is demisexual. Many people choose to wait until they get to know someone to have sex, but this isn’t the same thing as demisexuality. “Demisexual individuals are not making a choice; they cannot experience sexual attraction without that bond,” says Tanner.

How to support someone who is demisexual

It’s not always easy to come out as demisexual, and having the support of friends and family can play an important role. Here’s how you can support someone in your life who is demisexual:

• Do your own research. The person coming out may explain how their demisexuality works, but it helps to do some reading on the subject so you don’t bombard them with potentially hurtful questions or ideas, Tanner says. You can find more information on the Demisexuality Resource Center website.
• Believe them. It’s important to listen to your loved one when they tell you about their experience. Remember, everyone knows themselves best, Tanner says.
• Ask how you can support them. Let them make the decisions about what they need, Richmond says. You can ask questions like:
  • Do you want to talk about it more?
  • Do you want help sharing this with other people?
• Let them know that you accept them. If your loved one feels accepted, they may be more open to talk about their experience of being demisexual.

Insider’s takeaway

Being demisexual doesn’t mean you don’t feel sexual attraction, just that your attraction can only grow after forming an emotional connection.

Just like anyone else, demisexual people can have strong relationships and rich sex lives, so long as you keep up good communication with your partner.

If someone you love is demisexual, educate yourself on the subject and offer them your support and acceptance.

Most of us have experienced this kind of instant, almost primal attraction. But a small number of people never have; they’re incapable of it. To be attracted to someone, they need to develop a mental or emotional connection to the other person, not a physical one.

That’s a demisexual in a nutshell.

A demisexual is someone who is hardwired to seek an intense, solid, securely attached relationship before they can even think about sexual intimacy, Holly Richmond, PhD, a sex therapist in Southern California, tells Health. For a demisexual, intimacy is on a platonic level—at first. Sexual attraction develops as the relationship deepens.

“A demisexual is not going to walk down the street, see a hot guy, and think, I want to sleep with that person,” Richmond says. Celeb crushes, romcom flicks, love (or lust) at first sight? None of this resonates with a demi. “it just doesn’t make sense to them,” she adds.

A relationship for a demisexual typically starts as a friendship and may blossom into something more. Sex is still important; there’s nothing wrong with their sex drive. But what turns them on has to do with brains and personality rather than a toned physique. “They really need to know someone to feel sexually attracted to them,” Dr.Richmond affirms.

How would you know if you’re a true demisexual, rather than a person who just isn’t into hooking up or getting sexual with someone early on? Think about how your romantic and sexual relationships have started. If it took time to get to a place where you felt chemistry, and the lead up to becoming a couple involved lots of talking and platonic time together, you might be a demi.

It’s hard to know how many people are demisexual, especially since the term has only recently entered the lexicon. But Richmond believes that in the past three years, more people are using the word to describe their own sexual orientation. It’s similar to the recent uptick of people who identify as asexual (feeling no sexual attraction at all to anyone).

Yet just like those who identify as asexual, people who are demisexual can still develop serious, fulfilling, long-term relationships with others. They just get to that place in a different way that doesn’t rely on physical chemistry.

What is it?

If the idea of love at first sight, or hookups on Tinder don’t appeal to you, chances are that you are a Demisexual. This sexuality is different in the sense that a Demi person would not feel any sexual attraction until and unless he/she develops an emotional connection with the other person.

What holds the key for demisexuality is not the looks of the person. Rather how well you are able to manifest the emotional intimacy aspect.

Although not enough research has been put into understanding the phenomena, there is some explanation available.

Dr. Holly Richmond is a PhD scholar who specializes in sex therapy and marriage counseling. She gives her valuable input on demisexuality. According to Dr Richmond, in normal circumstances, a person experiences a physical pull towards the other person. Be it be the facial features, the voice or any other aspect of the body. A heterosexual person will experience some sort of physical intimacy.

However, this doesn’t hold true for demisexuals. In their dictionary, something, as having a crush or getting aroused on the first meetup, does not exist. What’s more important to them is the urge to know the other person more. Subsequently, be friends with them in the best way possible in order to strengthen the emotional connection. Once that has been attained successfully would only the person feel any sexual arousal.

One important thing to note is that demisexuality works regardless of the gender of the other person. You may as well feel emotionally connected to either a boy or a girl. In most cases, that doesn’t matter!

Common Signs of Demisexuality

After reading the above passage, you might possibly question your sexuality. A lot of people tend to have this confusion. Whether they are actually demi or not. Although, there is no exact procedure to evaluate your sexual orientation, some signs of demisexuality may help you arrive at a conclusion.

Looks are not important for Demis: Yes, if you are a demi then facial features of the other person may be completely irrelevant to you. All you would aim for is getting to know them and manifest an emotional connection.

Sex is always a secondary part of a relationship. One common misconception people have is that demi people do not experience sexual attraction. That is entirely untrue. Once the emotional intimacy has been established, it may translate into physical intimacy in the form of sex. Yet for a lot of Demis, intercourse is always a secondary part of the relationship.

Most relationships start off as friendships. This is one other thing distinctive about demisexuality. A demisexual person would unlikely jump off straight into a relationship. Chances are they will try becoming friends first in order to know more about the other person.