Kink – Dr. Holly Richmond

How to Kick Sexual Shame

Katherine DiZio — Sun, 07 Aug 2022 19:06:52 +0000

Originally published @ AskMen

– Content and imagery reposted with permission –

Most people experience feelings of shame or guilt around sex at some point in their lives.

We live in a culture that has varied and often contradictory beliefs about sex, but sex-negativity — the belief that sex is bad, that desire is dangerous, that many, most or all sexual acts are shameful things — is a consistent and rampant one.

So if you’re experiencing persistent sexual shame to the point where it’s impacting your ability to enjoy sex or to feel healthy and fulfilling sexual desire, you’re not alone, and it’s part of the healthy package forced upon you that defines how a man should feel — and fuck.

“Society teaches that men need to be strong. That men don’t cry. They don’t sit around sharing their feelings,” explains clinical psychologist, sex therapist, and host of the Sex Therapy podcast, Dr. Caleb Jacobson.

“So this closes a lot of men off emotionally. At the same time, because of these stereotypes of what a man is supposed to be, when they encounter a sexual issue, for example, erectile dysfunction, there is a lot of extra shame around it.”

How Do Men Experience Sexual Shame?

According to Dr. Holly Richmond, a sex therapist and author of Reclaiming Pleasure, sexual shame is typically either the result of a repressed kink or desire or the result of sexual dysfunction like premature ejaculation or ED.

One 2018 review estimated that about a third of men experience some form of erectile dysfunction and that the risk increases with age. What that means is that ED is normal, and nothing to be ashamed about. Real life is not porn; it’s just not realistic to expect oneself to be rock hard and ready to ejaculate a massive load at every sexual encounter.

And while ED can be a medical issue, meaning you should see a doctor such as a urologist if you’re experiencing it, in many cases, its causes can also be psychological: things like sexual shame or anxiety around the pressure to perform.

“Most men in our culture have held some form of sexual shame at one point in their lives,” says Manhattan-based psychologist Dr. Jon Belford. “Common manifestations involve insecurities around one’s body, performance, or a general lack of freedom in expressing specific desires, particularly when those desires deviate from idealized cultural sexual norms.”

He adds that early sexual traumas are devastating for any human across the gender spectrum, but that men often struggle with feeling emasculated by the experience and are less likely to seek therapy and support as a result.

How to Work Through Sexual Shame

You deserve to have the sex life of your dreams. Let’s repeat that because it’s true: You deserve to have the sex life of your dreams.

Everything is above board if your desires happen between two (or more!) consenting adults. Any lingering voices that tell you otherwise stem from the sex negativity that lingers in our society like a bad smell.

Even if you identify as sex-positive and didn’t grow up in a conservative or strictly religious home, these sex-negative social attitudes likely affected how you view your sexuality.

First things first: If you’re experiencing physical issues related to your penis, your sexual health or any part of your body that are impacting your sex life, see a doctor to confront any medical issues that need addressing.

But once that is out of the way, or if you’re grappling with shame surrounding your desires, whether you want to try a new kink, explore sex with another gender, or simply worry that you’re way too horny and perverted (impossible), before you can open up to others, you must accept yourself.

“One approach towards this is defining a more idealized relationship to sex; asking oneself, ‘If I had no concerns of judgment, criticism or rejection, what would I want? How would I show up differently?'” says Belford.

“By making space to more critically examine early [sex-negative] messages and experiences, understanding how we took them in at that point in time, and recognizing our subsequent growth, development, and cultural shifts,” he adds, “We can start to disconfirm false, shame-based beliefs and free ourselves of these internal constraints.”

Masturbation and solo exploration is a wonderful and safe way to learn more about yourself and your desires. Let’s say you’re curious about pegging, but unsure if it’s just a fantasy or something you want to try in real life with a partner.

Maybe you have some outdated voice stuck in your head telling you that liking pegging means you’re submissive, which means you’re less of a man. Kick that voice’s ass. Only strong men can handle pegging, and anyone who can accept their sexual desires is bold.

But start slow. Masturbate to your fantasy, watch porn about your fantasy, and consider working with a sex-positive therapist to become more comfortable in your own skin. There is often a lot of shame associated with porn and masturbation.

But your desires are nothing to be ashamed of. It’s totally normal to watch porn, and perhaps even more normal to be really horny.

And after that? Well, that’s when it’s time to drop the shame and communicate your desires to others, so hopefully, you can experience them together.

How Can I Talk About My Desires With My Partner(s)?

First, remember that sexuality is fluid and changing, so becoming comfortable with your kinks and desires may be an ongoing process, and that’s OK.

But you need to share your passions with your partner(s) so that you get what you want. First, because everyone deserves incredible consensual pleasure, you included. And second because no one is psychic when it comes to the sexual desires of others.

Belford adds that hiding desires can also limit intimacy within romantic relationships, and Richmond seconded this by stating that there is a difference between privacy and secrets.

“Privacy we all deserve. Secrets are different, and secrets are directly linked to shame,” Richmond says.

Expressing your desires to a partner doesn’t have to be serious or scary. There’s no need to have a “we need to talk” conversation. This is sex; after all, it’s meant to be fun and feel good.

Have the conversation in person, and hold eye contact to create intimacy, but just be honest, and remember that a hint of flattery will get you everywhere.

Using the pegging example (but please replace it with your own hidden desires if you’re looking for something different), say something along the lines of,

“I’ve discovered that pegging turns me on. What do you think of that? Would that be something that you’re into?”

Keep it calm and casual. Sharing sexual desires is a very vulnerable act, and frankly, if your partner does respond rudely or judgementally, it might be time to get back on Tinder.

But, far more often than not, not only will your partner be interested in your pleasure, but they have their own hidden fantasies.

By talking about your desires, you not only get to have the sex life of your dreams, but you can inspire your partner to share their fantasies and, as a result, give them the sex life of their dreams, too.

Now, is there anything more romantic than that?

The 20 Best Kink Toys and BDSM Toys

Katherine DiZio — Wed, 13 Jul 2022 21:03:42 +0000

Originally published @ MarieClaire

By Gabrielle Ulubay

With the popularity of books like 50 Shades of Grey, which swept the nation when it was published in 2011, kinky sex has become less and less taboo in mainstream culture. However, many people still hesitate to try kink themselves, even if they’re kink-curious or fascinated by kinky sex toys, movies, and literature.

“One of the most common misconceptions is that something is wrong with people for engaging in kinks in the bedroom and within their relationships, but that isn’t true,” says Lovehoney(opens in new tab) sex educator Javay Frye-Nekrasova. “Kink gives people an opportunity to explore themselves and their relationships on many different levels.”

Kink is essentially any unconventional sexual practice and includes everything from bondage to roleplay to dominant/submissive experimentation. And contrary to popular belief, kink doesn’t necessarily need to be all that out of the ordinary.

“In general, we still do not live in an entirely sex-positive society,” says Angie Rowntree, Founder & Director of ethical, sex-positive porn site Sssh.com. “The definition that I’ve adopted to explain sex positivity is, ‘All sex is good sex as long as it’s consensual and pleasurable.’ This simple definition challenges some of the biggest misconceptions about kink—namely that kink is weird, strange or perverted (this is a word I particularly dislike!).”

If, like many of us, you’ve indulged or thought about indulging in kink in the bedroom, then you’ve come to the right place. We got in touch with a slew of sexperts equipped to answer all your most pressing questions about the best sex toys for kink, how to have a conversation with your partner about kink, and how to get started.

KINK AND RELATIONSHIPS

Many people see BDSM and/or kink as purely sexual and lacking in affection, but this misconception couldn’t be further from the truth.

Indeed, Frye-Nekrasova agrees, pointing out that care, communication, and trust are “deeply ingrained in kinky activities.” She elaborates, “When you are safely and properly engaging in kinky activities, you have communication about what is and isn’t okay between partners. There is communication in place so that everyone is heard throughout the experiences, and there is trust: Trust that someone will not take advantage of the situation or you, trust in knowing that the situation will play out as previously discussed, and trust in the partner.”

Dr. Holly Richmond, who is a Dame(opens in new tab) Clinical Board(opens in new tab) medical advisor, somatic psychotherapist, licensed marriage & family therapist, and certified sex therapist, agrees that kink seamlessly blends into any consensual, affectionate, and loving relationship, and refutes the assumption that kink is necessarily dangerous, saying that, when coupled with thorough communication, “kink is the opposite of dangerous. Kink is thoughtful, transparent, and consent-driven. Because of copious amounts of clear communication, the possibilities for pleasure are endless.”

She goes on to point out that for long-term couples, kink can be an essential aspect of partners’ sexual repertoire, because it “offers the novelty that keeps things hot. Novelty is the seat of human desire, and for the couple in long-term relationships, finding things that are new or provide a sense of adventure in the bedroom (or elsewhere!) isn’t always easy. Kink is an ideal solution for bringing freshness back to a solid relationship where things have, perhaps, gotten a little stale.”

KINK AND SAFETY

Although kink is fabulous when safe and consensual, as with all sexual activities, it’s important to practice safety and to consistently check in with one’s partner(s) during sex—especially with acts like pain-play, BDSM, and role-play.

“Submission never means ‘non-consensual’ or ‘reluctant,'” says Rowntree, encouraging partners to communicate with complete openness before, during, and after sex, and suggesting that those interested in “serious BDSM play” take classes and connect with the BDSM community in order to thoroughly educate themselves on ensuring safety.

One well-known way of establishing sexual boundaries within kink, for example, is using safe words.

“When people play with power and sensation in a sexual, body-based way, safe words ensure that the sensations are always pleasurable rather than hurtful. For some people, pain is part of their sexual repertoire, but pain is also an essential part of how they experience pleasure. Anything that feels hurtful or especially uncomfortable—physically or emotionally—has the capacity to be paused or stopped with a safe word,” says Dr. Richmond. “Be sure to choose a word that isn’t “stop” or “no” since those are often part of power dynamics or role-playing scenes. My clients tend to choose a word that is unlikely to come up in a sexual scenario, like ‘violin,’ ‘poddle,’ or ‘sidewalk.'”

Sexologist Marla Renee Stewart, M.A., sexpert for sexual wellness brand Lovers(opens in new tab), adds that safe words don’t even need to be words—especially if your kink of choice involves gagging or if you have difficulty verbalizing yourself during sex. She suggests, “You can do things like hold your hand out, a fist up, or even tapping out.”

Finally, be sure to communicate with your partner(s) after sex as well—particularly if you really liked or disliked something that they did. This both keeps you safe and guarantees satisfying, uninhibited play in the future.

STARTING THE CONVERSATION

If you know that you’re interested in kink, it might be nerve-wracking to bring your desires up to a partner that you’ve heretofore had more traditional sexual encounters with. There are communicative, positive, and fun ways to talk about your fantasies, though—without making your partner feel attacked or defensive.

“It is most effective to share what you like and what you would like to explore, rather than pointing out aspects of the sexual relationship that you don’t like or are bored with,” says Dr. Richmond. The goal is to help your partner stay engaged rather than get defensive. Leading with curiosity and kindness almost always ensures this.”

For instance, she recommends opening the conversation by asking one’s partner if there is anything they would like to try. “By asking them what they are interested in exploring, you will also have a chance to share,” she explains. “For example, ‘I’ve been really enjoying when we’ve played with different toys, and was thinking I’d like to try _______. What do you think? What are you enjoying most about our sex life right now? Is there anything you’ve been wanting to try?'”

In the same vein, Stewart suggests bringing the subject up casually or teasingly, with phrases like, “I love how strong your hands are. I think they would be great giving me a spanking. Don’t you think?”

You can even explore the possibilities within kink together, by looking through kink activities or kinky porn online together. Javay Frye-Nekrasova points out that Lovehoney’s Instagram posts a number of kink ideas, and that “you can send them to your partner to start the conversation and gauge their interests all while showing them different toys and products you would be interested in using with them.” She also recommends taking a BDSM Test “to figure out what exactly you both are interested in and where you align or differ in terms of kinks.”

See the full list of product recommendations here.

28 Sex Fetishes and Kinks That Are Actually Common

drhllyrchmnd_1uxfzg — Thu, 11 Nov 2021 07:39:50 +0000

The term “fetish” may evoke images of black bodysuits and complicated sexual contraptions, but you may already be acting out some of the most common examples. (Spanking, anyone?) What defines a fetish isn’t what the activity or object of desire is so much as the role it plays in someone’s life. “A fetish is typically referred to as behavior that someone cannot get sexually aroused without. Fetishes can also be a term people use to describe sexual arousal that is coupled with a typically non-sexual object,” says sexologist and psychologist Denise Renye.

While people often use the terms “fetish” and “kink” interchangeably, a kink means an activity or behavior that someone enjoys that exists outside the “norm” of “traditional” sex, such as incorporating handcuffs or even balloons. Think of the differences this way: If someone’s kink is bondage, they probably get incredibly excited when they’re tied up. If someone has a bondage fetish, their entire sexuality may revolve around restraint. (There’s also the category of turn-ons: things that simply arouse a person.)

When we think of kink, we often think of BDSM, which involves an erotic power exchange through dominance and submission. BDSM is kinky, but not all kinks fall under the BDSM umbrella. Renye adds that people often have more than one kink or one fetish, and there is often overlap: For instance, someone may engage in spanking as part of a role-playing scenario in which one partner is dressed up as a schoolgirl and the other like a professor. In such an instance, the scenario would involve role-play, impact play, and even age play.

Research suggests that perhaps half of us are interested in sexual activities outside the “norm,” so if you’re interested in trying any of the following, rest assured you’re not alone. And of course, with any type of sex, acting on fetishes or kinks should always involve enthusiastic consent from all parties and safer sex practices, such as the use of condoms, to prevent unwanted pregnancies and STIs. You never have to try anything that’s not attractive to you, but please refrain from kink shaming others. Remember, we’re trying to dismantle sexual shame.

Ready to dive in? Here’s a list of some of the most common fetishes and what they entail.

1. Impact Play

Impact play means spanking, flogging, paddling, and other forms of consensual striking. Spanking is often an easy and safe BDSM entry point that leads to exploring more, such as purchasing a crop to use with a partner. Impact play can range from a light slap on the bum to a crack of the whip.

As with any kink or fetish, it’s important to negotiate boundaries beforehand. “Safety and comfort are the most important aspects of kink,” says Renye. Do your homework before practicing impact play. Discuss the level of intensity you enjoy (or your partner enjoys), choose a safe word to shut down the action on a dime if need be, and learn what parts of the body are safe to impact. Stick with the meatier areas, like the ass and thighs, and avoid less protected areas where organs live, like the lower back.

2. Role-Playing

You don’t have to stop playing make-believe when you grow up. Role-playing means acting out a sexual fantasy with your partner(s), either once or as part of an ongoing fantasy. While it can be a fetish or kink within itself, it’s also a healthy way to act out other fantasies. For instance, if you have a medical fantasy and are aroused by doctors, you probably don’t actually want your doctor to get sexy with you, because that would be creepy and abusive. The beauty of role-playing is that you can have your partner dress up as a doctor and indulge your fantasy consensually in your own home.

3. Foot Fetish

A foot fetish involves a desire to worship feet through acts such as massage, kissing, and smelling. As professional dominatrix Goddess Aviva previously told Allure, it’s an extremely common fetish. If your partner shares that they have a foot fetish, it may be initially jarring, but it’s an opportunity for you to discuss a potentially exciting new part of your sex life together. (And, if you’re into it, just think of all the foot massages headed your way!)

4. Anal Sex

You don’t need to have an anal fetish to engage in anal sex, but plenty of people do specifically get off on butt stuff. Anal play can range from adding a finger in the ass during penetrative vaginal sex to using butt plugs to having anal sex with a penis or a dildo.

While anal sex can be safe and wonderful, there is some prep work involved. Since the butthole is not self-lubricating and harbors bacteria that can lead to infection if transferred to the vagina, it’s important to stock up on lube and read up on ass etiquette before engaging in anal play. That includes safer sex precautions such as condom use. Start small and go slow, using fingers, anal toys, and plenty of lube before moving up to larger objects such as dildos or a penis.

5. Lingerie

Renye says that one of the most common fetishes centers on something that may be sitting inside your dresser right now: lingerie. “[This] may show up in sexual play between and among individuals who may not even consider themselves kinky or to have a fetish (or two or three),” she says. Again, while many people get aroused by sexy underwear, lingerie becomes a fetish when someone needs it to be present in a sexual scenario in order to fully engage or get off.

6. Group Sex

Group sex is getting it on with more than one person. If you’ve ever swiped on Tinder, you’re likely aware that many couples are searching for a third, although group sex can mean more than just a threesome. An orgy is when a group of people of all genders have sex, while a “gang bang” typically refers to one person having sex with more than two members of another gender (while the term can have violent connotations, it’s also used in the kink community to refer to consensual scenarios).

7. Sensation Play

Sensation play can refer to a huge range of activities based on the receiving or withholding of different stimuli. For instance, one partner may blindfold the other to deprive them of their sense of sight, a form of sensory deprivation, or they may drag an ice cube along their skin, a form of sensation play known as temperature play.

8. Orgasm Control

Edging, in which the submissive partner is brought to the brink of climax and then forced to stop — often done repeatedly — is an example of orgasm control. The idea here is that for as long as you like, you let your partner take the reins and determine when and how you come. As with all of the activities here, anyone can engage in orgasm control regardless of their genitalia.

9. Bondage

Bondage is when one partner restrains the other. You can bind your partner using objects you already have around, such as a belt, or purchase specialty kink items like handcuffs or hair accessories-turned-wrist ties. To engage in restraint play safely, establish boundaries and a safe word, emphasize consent and communication at every step, and start slow.

10. Psychological Play

Some of the most intense sexual play takes place in the mind. Renye refers to psychological power play — a type of BDSM — as “mind control.” Psychological play involves implementing a sexual power exchange: Humiliation play, for example, might involve a submissive partner getting off on being called names. Consensual threats are an example of psychological play; one example is a domme warning a male submissive with a foot fetish that he’ll have to lick her feet if he doesn’t fall in line and do exactly as she says.

11. Voyeurism and Exhibitionism

Voyeurism — or obtaining sexual pleasure from watching others who are naked or having sex — is more common than you’d think. Of course, as with every other fetish, engage in voyeurism consensually, for example at a sex party where a couple has given you permission to watch; watching someone without their permission is never acceptable. The flip side of voyeurism is exhibitionism, which means achieving sexual pleasure by allowing others to watch you. It’s the sexual enjoyment of showing off. If you like to get down at a sex party, in public spaces, or even at home with the curtains open, you may be an exhibitionist.

12. Cuckolding

You may have heard the term “cuck” thrown around as an alt-right slur. It’s unfortunate since cuckolding is a common kink that anyone can enjoy. Traditionally, speaking in gendered terms, cuckolding is when a husband watches as his wife (the hotwife) has sex with someone else (the bull). The husband, aka the cuck, may get to watch, but he is emasculated and not allowed to participate. It’s often a form of erotic humiliation. The female version of a cuck is known as a cuckquean. However, all genders can enjoy being the cuck, the hotwife, and the bull.

13. Erotic Humiliation

Erotic humiliation lets you reclaim embarrassment by getting off on it. “Humiliation play is a consensual power exchange that is a very typical fetish. It can help people heal parts of the self that may have been bullied as a child. There’s a sense of mastery over something that may have previously been non-consensual,” says Renye.

14. Spectrophilia

Spectrophilia refers to having a thing for ghosts because sometimes humans aren’t worth it. It usually involves the fantasy of a spirit, but sometimes people believe they actually have sex with one at night or while they sleep. Traditionally, a succubus refers to a female sex ghost, and an incubus is a male ghost that has sex with humans as they sleep.

15. Dominance and Submission

Dominance and submission refer to a consensual erotic power exchange between two (or more) people. Although it may sound scary, due to consent and safety precautions kinkster engage in, a D/S scene can be safer than a vanilla hook-up. “Any time that we are talking about power control, that is the safest kind of sex that partners can have because there’s so much communication, trust, and vulnerability built into these kinds of exchanges and sexual experiences,” says sex therapist and author of Reclaiming Pleasure: A Sex Positive Guide for Moving Past Sexual Trauma and Living a Passionate Life Dr. Holly Richmond.

16. Autonepiophilia

Autonepiophilia means adult babies. These harmless beings like to wear a crinkly diaper and often have a “mommy” or other nurturing dominant figure take care of them. It’s okay if it’s not your thing, but as kinksters like to say, don’t yuck someone else’s yum.

17. Urophilia

Urophilia is a fancy name for piss play, golden showers, and watersports. Often during piss play, there is a degree of domination and submission. For example, you may see a businessman going to his dominatrix to get peed on after a long day of barking orders. Others integrate the kink into their romantic relationships. “My partner got me into weeing on each other early on in our relationship,” says Anoushka Lee*. “I remember feeling a mixture of thoughts and emotions, all the taboos and stereotypes of it being a ‘dirty act for dirty old men,’ combined with a feeling of intense excitement and arousal.”

18. Sadism & Masochism

Sadism refers to a person, a sadist, who gets off on inflicting pain. Their necessary counterpart is masochists, those who get off on receiving erotic pain. As always, S&M relationships require consent from all parties involved. Once all parties feel enthusiastic about what’s about to go down, S&M can look like impact play, erotic humiliation, or dripping hot wax on one another.

19. Wax play

Wax play involves dripping hot candle wax on your lover. Not only can wax play be extremely hot (sorry) but it involves the use of romantic lighting.

“Wax play is therapeutic for me,” says sex educator Erin Kennedy. “Being kinky with fibromyalgia means I’m always seeking sensations that soothe.”

For those concerned about burns, opt for a candle made for sex, such as JimmyJane’s afterglow massage candles. These candles burn at a lower temperature, so you can enjoy the heat on your body without worrying about causing injury.

20. Vorarephilia

Vorarephilia is the infamous cannibal kink. It means getting turned on by fantasies of eating someone, and the subject has made headlines this year due to the sexual assault allegations against actor Armie Hammer.

Of course, literally killing and eating someone is wrong. However, kinks and fetishes are already stigmatized; we don’t need to pathologize this one if someone is doing no harm. “It is usually metaphorically, or an embodied feeling, rather than a literal translation,” Dr. Richmond says. “Partners will often say, ‘I could just eat you alive I’m so turned on by you,’ but that’s driven by an urge to consume the energy of eroticism and arousal more than a real or uncontrollable desire to consume a part of the human body. Obviously, if it moves into a compulsion or biting in a way that is not consensual, this is dangerous, illegal, and certainly not sex-positive,” she adds.

The only safe and consensual way to try paraphilia is to (consensually!) add it to your dirty talk. But, maybe wait until you know someone and their preferences before whispering, “I want to cook and eat you alive, honey.”

21. Quirofilia

Quirofilia is one of those kinks that sounds more far-out than it is: It simply refers to an attraction to hands. Whether you go for big, hairy hands, or soft, dainty manicured ones, considering how much we use our hands during sex, it’s a highly relatable kink.

22. Pregnancy

Yes, pregnancy can be the result of sex, but it can also turn people on. Pregnancy kinks include a desire to get someone pregnant (sometimes known as a breeding fetish) and an attraction to pregnant people. “The former is one with an element of riskiness. There’s a permanent potential to be forever with the consequences of unprotected heterosexual intercourse,” says Renye. The latter may simply be an attraction to a pregnant body or could be a type of age play.

23. Tentacles

If you’ve ever gone into a porn search black hole, you may have stumbled upon anime tentacle porn. And yes, it’s okay to find it arousing. Don’t worry, you don’t need an actual octopus to enjoy tentacle play. There are lovely sex toy companies, such as Bad Dragon, who make body-safe silicone tentacle dildos for you.

24. Age Play

Age play is easy to be creeped out at, but it’s so common that you don’t even realize it. If a lover has ever called you “baby,” you’ve engaged in age play. But for people who really get into age play, it may look more like a “daddy dom/baby girl” situation where the roles are more pronounced. Remember, in our book, “baby,” “daddy,” and “mommy” can all be gender-neutral, so pick your favorite. “Age play is not pedophilia,” reminds Renye. “It is consensual play. If someone is attracted to children, that is not age play.”

25. Stranger Play

If you’ve ever hooked up with a stranger, perhaps even before getting their name, congrats, you’ve tried stranger play. “Stranger play is one of my favorites! When I was younger, I convinced myself that women found me attractive more for my personality than my body. So, a total stranger who doesn’t ‘know’ me engaging in a specific sexual scene is really affirming,” says Billy Procida, host of The Manwhore Podcast.

26. Emetophilia

Gag warning: Emetophilia is a sexual fetish in which one gets aroused by vomit. Yes, it’s real, and it’s more common than you think. A lighter version of emetophilia may play out as finding it a turn-on if someone gags during a blow job. A higher octave version is simply getting wet for puke.

27. Klismaphilia

Klismaphilia is arousal from enemas. Some folks, usually those who enjoy receiving anal sex, will prep beforehand with an enema to make sure the mess is minimal (a trick also used on porn sets). However, others find enemas themselves arousing. This can be part of a larger medical fetish and may involve a fantasy of a doctor using an enema on you.

28. Electrostimulation

According to Richmond, electrostimulation is a pretty common kink. It involves using electricity for sexual purposes, and yes, it can be done safely, using kinky toys such as through a Violet Wand, for sexual gratification. It tends to be part of a bigger D/S dynamic.

Remember, regardless of your fetish or kink, consent is paramount. “Kinks and fetishes are fertile grounds for misunderstandings if consent is not explicit,” explains Renye. Once you obtain consent, expressing your sexual desires is one of the healthiest things you can do for your sex life: Fetishes that are repressed rather than expressed can take their toll on both individuals and relationships. As long as the desire is safe and based on consent from everyone involved, everyone deserves to pursue theirs.

27 Sexual Fetishes And Kinks You’ve Never Heard Of Before

drhllyrchmnd_1uxfzg — Fri, 13 Aug 2021 05:49:06 +0000

You’ve definitely heard of foot fetishes and bondage. But, there’s basically a bottomless well of things that turn people on.

You’ll often hear people refer to these interests as sexual kinks or fetishes. But what exactly are fetishes and sexual kinks? And why do people have them?

Sex therapist Kelifern Pomeranz, PsyD, says that all fetishes are kinks, but not all kinks are fetishes. “A fetish is a sexual attraction to inanimate objects, body parts, or situations not commonly viewed as being sexual in nature, [while] a kink is a broader term that includes a variety of sexual interests, behaviors, preferences, and fantasies that are thought to be outside of the mainstream.”

According to Justin Lehmiller, PhD, a research fellow at the Kinsey Institute and the author of Tell Me What You Want, fetishes and unusual sexual interests develop gradually. A person might see a particular stimulus—like, say, a boot—while they’re sexually aroused, and eventually come to associate arousal with boots.

Or, Lehmiller says, grouping an object or body part together with orgasm might prompt a person to seek out that same object or body part in the future because the brain expects the same reward. (Orgasms, of course, floods the brain with dopamine, the neurotransmitter that regulates motivation and pleasure.)

Fetishes get stigmatized because they’re reasonably rare. Plus, there’s a lot of sexual shame in our culture. And they often involve impulses that puzzle the masses: Bees all over your genitals? Unbounded attraction to vomit? But the brain wants what it wants.

If you’re interested in exploring a kink or sexual fetish with your partner, communication is key. “Set aside time for this conversation when you are both relaxed and when you are getting along,” Pomeranz suggests.

And make sure to come informed: “Do your research and share well-informed and reliable information. Share articles, videos, books, and information from sex researchers, academics, educators, and therapists normalizing and supporting your interest.” You essentially want to put their fears and anxieties at ease. Exploring any type of sexual kink or fetish will always require consent and patience.

t’s okay if it’s a bit awkward at first, says Holly Richmond, PhD, a certified sex therapist based in New York. “People can get in their heads about whether it’s weird, but let yourself off the hook about any judgments.” As long as it’s consensual and pleasurable, you’re doing it right.

If you want to learn more about different forms of sexual play, here’s a list of 21 sexual kinks and fetishes you may not have heard about before.

1. Cuckolding

Cuckolding is a form of BDSM and power play, says Richmond.

The act calls for one person to watch their partner have sex with someone else or listen to stories about their partner having sex with someone else. The goal here is usually humiliation. The person watching or listening is turned on by their partner desiring someone else over them. They enjoy the stimulation of being cheated on and experimenting with an act that’s considered taboo.

And while it’s not a rule, cuckolding typically involves a man whose woman partner, whether that’s a wife or girlfriend, has sex with another man and cosplays desiring the other man over her husband or boyfriend.

2. Klismaphilia

This turn-on is one experienced by people who find enemas arousing, says Richmond. A Greek term, klismaphilia, refers to the pleasure someone experiences from relieving themselves while using an enema, they enjoy the pressurized feeling. For others, it’s the feeling or knowledge of having their bowels cleaned. And in other cases, it’s all about giving someone an enema or preparing the body for an enema. Most klismaphiles discover their fetish after having a doctor-recommended enema in childhood.

3. Nylons

“If someone has a fetish for nylons it means they’re attracted to someone wearing nylons or putting them on,” says Richmond. “The tactile part turns them on.”

Men usually, she says, report enjoying the feeling of sitting on their mothers’ laps and feeling her nylons underneath their legs. For others, they felt pleasure watching someone put nylons on in a film, and sometimes people just enjoy the feeling of putting them on or peeling them off.

4. Pregnancy

This one’s exactly what it sounds like—some people are aroused by pregnant people. The starting point is usually porn, says Richmond. There are numerous sections on popular porn websites dedicated to it—even dating websites dedicated to men connecting with pregnant women.

But sometimes, simply seeing expecting mothers, particularly during childhood, is what sets things off. An older sibling watching their mother preparing to deliver their younger sibling can manifest itself into this fetish later in life.

And what people consider pleasurable about pregnancy differs. For some, it’s the “glow” pregnant women have. Sometimes, is seeing a large round belly (the bigger the better) and heavy breasts filled with milk (more on that fetish later). And for others, is the fact that it seems taboo—though pregnant women can have sex.

5. Whips

Considering how mainstream whips have become in media portrayals of kink and fetishism, this one might not be so surprising.

Richmond recommends, however, starting slowly if you’re new to using whips. This kind of power and punishment play is really fun, but can get painful very quickly if you and your partner don’t talk it out first. Ask where they’d like to be whipped and discuss a scale to assess pain, 10 being the hardest whip and 1 being the softest.

It’s also a good idea to come up with a safe word other than “stop.” Go for something totally random that you’d never say during sex. Maybe try: “sticker” or “asphalt.”

6. Wax

Wax play is another common part of BDSM often depicted least on television, books, and film.

It involves dripping wax onto someone or having wax dripped on you, says Richmond. The biggie here is using appropriate candles. The scented ones you’ve got around your house will likely not do the trick and might even burn you or your partner. Opt for paraffin or soy candles that slowly pool wax as they burn and don’t instantly harden when poured onto the body—this way you can have bit of fun moving the wax around before it stiffens.

7. Bondage

Carole Queen, PhD, and author of The Sex & Pleasure Book: Good Vibrations Guide to Great Sex for Everyone describes bondage as a type of activity where you restrain your partner with things like rope, non-stick tape, or cuffs. “Bondage is a trust exercise above all, and can be done for its own sake—Japanese bondage, in particular, is aesthetically beautiful and sexy to do—or to add to other kinds of sensation, from intercourse to spanking and more,” says Queen.

She warns, however, that it should be practiced with caution as any kind of bondage that is too tight is not only uncomfortable but can cause permanent nerve damage. To make sure you’re practicing bondage safely, it’s best to school yourself on best practices and most importantly set boundaries to ensure the safety of all those involved in the practice. One common practice is the use of a safe word, which signals that the bondage needs to end immediately.

8. Age Play

Age play is a kind of fetish that involves an exchange of power, says Jill McDevitt, PhD, a sexologist at CalExotics.

In this activity, partners will role play and act as if they are different ages than what they actually are. “A common combination is an adult and a ‘baby’ who would be cared for like an infant or young child,” says McDevitt. Age play can also be categorized as a form of dominance and submission play, where the partner playing the younger person is often the submissive. This isn’t to be confused with autonepiophilia, where the person gets sexual pleasure from dressing up or acting as a baby, not necessarily the act of role playing as someone of a different age—more on that in a bit.

9. Quirofilia

Quirofilia can also be known as a hand fetish. And since any eroticization of a specific part of the body is often referred to as partialism, quirofilia is sometimes referred to as hand partialism.

A person into quirofilia is especially drawn to fingers and hands. Queen says that this fetish really isn’t too surprising, since hands are such significant sexual tools. “Many of us have daydreamed about the feeling of hands all over us, so this just takes such an erotic focus a few steps farther.”

Quirofilia may involve an attraction to certain parts of the hands, manicures or certain acts performed by the hands, from washing dishes to handjobs. If you have a hand fetish and want to explore it with your partner, you should talk to them about ways you can introduce it into your sex life, maybe as a form of foreplay.

10. Foot fetishism

A foot fetish means you’re sexually aroused by feet, also referred to as foot partialism. People with foot fetishes may be attracted to seeing feet in certain footwear such as high heels, they might enjoy interactions with feet including massaging or toe-sucking, while some prefer embellishments on the feet such as a fresh pedicure or a tattoo.

In certain cases, a person may appreciate the feet more than the person they’re attached to, says Queen, but [feet] should really be looked at as an added source of a turn-on, not a substitute for a real connection with another person. “In fact, you can think of any kink basically this way: a “cherry-on-top” erotic treat, or a way to focus desire and arousal.”

Read the Rest at Women’s Health