Kinks – Dr. Holly Richmond

How to Kick Sexual Shame

Katherine DiZio — Sun, 07 Aug 2022 19:06:52 +0000

Originally published @ AskMen

– Content and imagery reposted with permission –

Most people experience feelings of shame or guilt around sex at some point in their lives.

We live in a culture that has varied and often contradictory beliefs about sex, but sex-negativity — the belief that sex is bad, that desire is dangerous, that many, most or all sexual acts are shameful things — is a consistent and rampant one.

So if you’re experiencing persistent sexual shame to the point where it’s impacting your ability to enjoy sex or to feel healthy and fulfilling sexual desire, you’re not alone, and it’s part of the healthy package forced upon you that defines how a man should feel — and fuck.

“Society teaches that men need to be strong. That men don’t cry. They don’t sit around sharing their feelings,” explains clinical psychologist, sex therapist, and host of the Sex Therapy podcast, Dr. Caleb Jacobson.

“So this closes a lot of men off emotionally. At the same time, because of these stereotypes of what a man is supposed to be, when they encounter a sexual issue, for example, erectile dysfunction, there is a lot of extra shame around it.”

How Do Men Experience Sexual Shame?

According to Dr. Holly Richmond, a sex therapist and author of Reclaiming Pleasure, sexual shame is typically either the result of a repressed kink or desire or the result of sexual dysfunction like premature ejaculation or ED.

One 2018 review estimated that about a third of men experience some form of erectile dysfunction and that the risk increases with age. What that means is that ED is normal, and nothing to be ashamed about. Real life is not porn; it’s just not realistic to expect oneself to be rock hard and ready to ejaculate a massive load at every sexual encounter.

And while ED can be a medical issue, meaning you should see a doctor such as a urologist if you’re experiencing it, in many cases, its causes can also be psychological: things like sexual shame or anxiety around the pressure to perform.

“Most men in our culture have held some form of sexual shame at one point in their lives,” says Manhattan-based psychologist Dr. Jon Belford. “Common manifestations involve insecurities around one’s body, performance, or a general lack of freedom in expressing specific desires, particularly when those desires deviate from idealized cultural sexual norms.”

He adds that early sexual traumas are devastating for any human across the gender spectrum, but that men often struggle with feeling emasculated by the experience and are less likely to seek therapy and support as a result.

How to Work Through Sexual Shame

You deserve to have the sex life of your dreams. Let’s repeat that because it’s true: You deserve to have the sex life of your dreams.

Everything is above board if your desires happen between two (or more!) consenting adults. Any lingering voices that tell you otherwise stem from the sex negativity that lingers in our society like a bad smell.

Even if you identify as sex-positive and didn’t grow up in a conservative or strictly religious home, these sex-negative social attitudes likely affected how you view your sexuality.

First things first: If you’re experiencing physical issues related to your penis, your sexual health or any part of your body that are impacting your sex life, see a doctor to confront any medical issues that need addressing.

But once that is out of the way, or if you’re grappling with shame surrounding your desires, whether you want to try a new kink, explore sex with another gender, or simply worry that you’re way too horny and perverted (impossible), before you can open up to others, you must accept yourself.

“One approach towards this is defining a more idealized relationship to sex; asking oneself, ‘If I had no concerns of judgment, criticism or rejection, what would I want? How would I show up differently?'” says Belford.

“By making space to more critically examine early [sex-negative] messages and experiences, understanding how we took them in at that point in time, and recognizing our subsequent growth, development, and cultural shifts,” he adds, “We can start to disconfirm false, shame-based beliefs and free ourselves of these internal constraints.”

Masturbation and solo exploration is a wonderful and safe way to learn more about yourself and your desires. Let’s say you’re curious about pegging, but unsure if it’s just a fantasy or something you want to try in real life with a partner.

Maybe you have some outdated voice stuck in your head telling you that liking pegging means you’re submissive, which means you’re less of a man. Kick that voice’s ass. Only strong men can handle pegging, and anyone who can accept their sexual desires is bold.

But start slow. Masturbate to your fantasy, watch porn about your fantasy, and consider working with a sex-positive therapist to become more comfortable in your own skin. There is often a lot of shame associated with porn and masturbation.

But your desires are nothing to be ashamed of. It’s totally normal to watch porn, and perhaps even more normal to be really horny.

And after that? Well, that’s when it’s time to drop the shame and communicate your desires to others, so hopefully, you can experience them together.

How Can I Talk About My Desires With My Partner(s)?

First, remember that sexuality is fluid and changing, so becoming comfortable with your kinks and desires may be an ongoing process, and that’s OK.

But you need to share your passions with your partner(s) so that you get what you want. First, because everyone deserves incredible consensual pleasure, you included. And second because no one is psychic when it comes to the sexual desires of others.

Belford adds that hiding desires can also limit intimacy within romantic relationships, and Richmond seconded this by stating that there is a difference between privacy and secrets.

“Privacy we all deserve. Secrets are different, and secrets are directly linked to shame,” Richmond says.

Expressing your desires to a partner doesn’t have to be serious or scary. There’s no need to have a “we need to talk” conversation. This is sex; after all, it’s meant to be fun and feel good.

Have the conversation in person, and hold eye contact to create intimacy, but just be honest, and remember that a hint of flattery will get you everywhere.

Using the pegging example (but please replace it with your own hidden desires if you’re looking for something different), say something along the lines of,

“I’ve discovered that pegging turns me on. What do you think of that? Would that be something that you’re into?”

Keep it calm and casual. Sharing sexual desires is a very vulnerable act, and frankly, if your partner does respond rudely or judgementally, it might be time to get back on Tinder.

But, far more often than not, not only will your partner be interested in your pleasure, but they have their own hidden fantasies.

By talking about your desires, you not only get to have the sex life of your dreams, but you can inspire your partner to share their fantasies and, as a result, give them the sex life of their dreams, too.

Now, is there anything more romantic than that?

The 20 Best Kink Toys and BDSM Toys

Katherine DiZio — Wed, 13 Jul 2022 21:03:42 +0000

Originally published @ MarieClaire

By Gabrielle Ulubay

With the popularity of books like 50 Shades of Grey, which swept the nation when it was published in 2011, kinky sex has become less and less taboo in mainstream culture. However, many people still hesitate to try kink themselves, even if they’re kink-curious or fascinated by kinky sex toys, movies, and literature.

“One of the most common misconceptions is that something is wrong with people for engaging in kinks in the bedroom and within their relationships, but that isn’t true,” says Lovehoney(opens in new tab) sex educator Javay Frye-Nekrasova. “Kink gives people an opportunity to explore themselves and their relationships on many different levels.”

Kink is essentially any unconventional sexual practice and includes everything from bondage to roleplay to dominant/submissive experimentation. And contrary to popular belief, kink doesn’t necessarily need to be all that out of the ordinary.

“In general, we still do not live in an entirely sex-positive society,” says Angie Rowntree, Founder & Director of ethical, sex-positive porn site Sssh.com. “The definition that I’ve adopted to explain sex positivity is, ‘All sex is good sex as long as it’s consensual and pleasurable.’ This simple definition challenges some of the biggest misconceptions about kink—namely that kink is weird, strange or perverted (this is a word I particularly dislike!).”

If, like many of us, you’ve indulged or thought about indulging in kink in the bedroom, then you’ve come to the right place. We got in touch with a slew of sexperts equipped to answer all your most pressing questions about the best sex toys for kink, how to have a conversation with your partner about kink, and how to get started.

KINK AND RELATIONSHIPS

Many people see BDSM and/or kink as purely sexual and lacking in affection, but this misconception couldn’t be further from the truth.

Indeed, Frye-Nekrasova agrees, pointing out that care, communication, and trust are “deeply ingrained in kinky activities.” She elaborates, “When you are safely and properly engaging in kinky activities, you have communication about what is and isn’t okay between partners. There is communication in place so that everyone is heard throughout the experiences, and there is trust: Trust that someone will not take advantage of the situation or you, trust in knowing that the situation will play out as previously discussed, and trust in the partner.”

Dr. Holly Richmond, who is a Dame(opens in new tab) Clinical Board(opens in new tab) medical advisor, somatic psychotherapist, licensed marriage & family therapist, and certified sex therapist, agrees that kink seamlessly blends into any consensual, affectionate, and loving relationship, and refutes the assumption that kink is necessarily dangerous, saying that, when coupled with thorough communication, “kink is the opposite of dangerous. Kink is thoughtful, transparent, and consent-driven. Because of copious amounts of clear communication, the possibilities for pleasure are endless.”

She goes on to point out that for long-term couples, kink can be an essential aspect of partners’ sexual repertoire, because it “offers the novelty that keeps things hot. Novelty is the seat of human desire, and for the couple in long-term relationships, finding things that are new or provide a sense of adventure in the bedroom (or elsewhere!) isn’t always easy. Kink is an ideal solution for bringing freshness back to a solid relationship where things have, perhaps, gotten a little stale.”

KINK AND SAFETY

Although kink is fabulous when safe and consensual, as with all sexual activities, it’s important to practice safety and to consistently check in with one’s partner(s) during sex—especially with acts like pain-play, BDSM, and role-play.

“Submission never means ‘non-consensual’ or ‘reluctant,'” says Rowntree, encouraging partners to communicate with complete openness before, during, and after sex, and suggesting that those interested in “serious BDSM play” take classes and connect with the BDSM community in order to thoroughly educate themselves on ensuring safety.

One well-known way of establishing sexual boundaries within kink, for example, is using safe words.

“When people play with power and sensation in a sexual, body-based way, safe words ensure that the sensations are always pleasurable rather than hurtful. For some people, pain is part of their sexual repertoire, but pain is also an essential part of how they experience pleasure. Anything that feels hurtful or especially uncomfortable—physically or emotionally—has the capacity to be paused or stopped with a safe word,” says Dr. Richmond. “Be sure to choose a word that isn’t “stop” or “no” since those are often part of power dynamics or role-playing scenes. My clients tend to choose a word that is unlikely to come up in a sexual scenario, like ‘violin,’ ‘poddle,’ or ‘sidewalk.'”

Sexologist Marla Renee Stewart, M.A., sexpert for sexual wellness brand Lovers(opens in new tab), adds that safe words don’t even need to be words—especially if your kink of choice involves gagging or if you have difficulty verbalizing yourself during sex. She suggests, “You can do things like hold your hand out, a fist up, or even tapping out.”

Finally, be sure to communicate with your partner(s) after sex as well—particularly if you really liked or disliked something that they did. This both keeps you safe and guarantees satisfying, uninhibited play in the future.

STARTING THE CONVERSATION

If you know that you’re interested in kink, it might be nerve-wracking to bring your desires up to a partner that you’ve heretofore had more traditional sexual encounters with. There are communicative, positive, and fun ways to talk about your fantasies, though—without making your partner feel attacked or defensive.

“It is most effective to share what you like and what you would like to explore, rather than pointing out aspects of the sexual relationship that you don’t like or are bored with,” says Dr. Richmond. The goal is to help your partner stay engaged rather than get defensive. Leading with curiosity and kindness almost always ensures this.”

For instance, she recommends opening the conversation by asking one’s partner if there is anything they would like to try. “By asking them what they are interested in exploring, you will also have a chance to share,” she explains. “For example, ‘I’ve been really enjoying when we’ve played with different toys, and was thinking I’d like to try _______. What do you think? What are you enjoying most about our sex life right now? Is there anything you’ve been wanting to try?'”

In the same vein, Stewart suggests bringing the subject up casually or teasingly, with phrases like, “I love how strong your hands are. I think they would be great giving me a spanking. Don’t you think?”

You can even explore the possibilities within kink together, by looking through kink activities or kinky porn online together. Javay Frye-Nekrasova points out that Lovehoney’s Instagram posts a number of kink ideas, and that “you can send them to your partner to start the conversation and gauge their interests all while showing them different toys and products you would be interested in using with them.” She also recommends taking a BDSM Test “to figure out what exactly you both are interested in and where you align or differ in terms of kinks.”

See the full list of product recommendations here.

Is ‘Love and Leashes’ Realistic? We Asked an Expert

Katherine DiZio — Fri, 04 Mar 2022 16:34:58 +0000

Originally published @ Netflix

By Haein Jung

– Content and imagery reposted with permission –

As noted philosopher Rihanna once said, “Chains and whips excite me.” In the quirky rom-com Love and Leashes, affable office worker Ji-hoo (Lee Jun-young) would agree. When the lights go off, the whips come out, and so does his passion for submission and pain. But one morning, Ji-hoo’s secret life is nearly exposed when the mailroom mistakenly delivers a package to Ji-woo (Seohyun) — his outspoken co-worker who shares a similar name. She opens the box and pulls out… a spiked black leather collar.

Mortifying, yes — to have your co-worker open up a sexy package that reveals your nighttime fantasies, especially ones that are steeped in stigma. But Ji-woo’s curiosity for this kind of relationship grows. Tired of gender politics at work, Ji-woo wants to take charge. For Ji-hoo, it’s the opposite. He’s fed up with his perfectionism and the need to be liked at work. He just wants to lose control. The two eventually enter a contractual relationship, and together, Ji-hoo and Ji-woo embark on a journey exploring consent and romance — ultimately, they help each other own who they are in the world, kinks and all.

Despite the fact that it isn’t uncommon to see BDSM — bondage and discipline, domination and submission, sadism and masochism — portrayed in popular culture, many people’s perception of this kind of intimacy is still very skewed. “The idea a lot of people have of BDSM is very Fifty Shades of Grey,” Holly Richmond, a licensed marriage and family therapist and certified sex therapist who holds a Ph.D. in somatic psychology, tells Tudum. “It’s toys and props and all those kinds of things.” But really, “It’s [about] exploring eroticism, power, control, relationships, safety, all of those things that we don’t talk about enough.”

Jun Hae-sun/Netflix

Power dynamics are one of the focal points in the film. Ji-woo explores taking more control and Ji-hoo happily gives his up. It’s a role reversal we don’t see often.

There’s never one size fits all. But I find a lot of really high powered type A men who — let’s say, are running a corporation, making 500 decisions a day — will often step into the sub position in the bedroom because they just don’t want to make any decisions anymore. It feels empowering for them not to have to make decisions and just be told what to do. It’s the best thing anyone could give them.

And in Ji-woo’s case?

For women in so many cultures, we don’t have a lot of power in the ways we move through the world. So being able to step into that position of dominance in the bedroom or in the playroom — what an incredibly empowering feeling that is for us.

Jun Hae-sun/Netflix

There were specific fetishes played out in the film — dog and owner role-play, hot candle wax melting and stiletto trampling. Are these types of play common?

Everything that the film depicted are fairly normal play strategies. For some people, playing a dog and owner with a leash is super erotic. It’s like any kind of sex. What a couple chooses to do with it — the sky’s the limit. There’s no limit to how they could explore.

Many people think BDSM and sex go hand in hand. A facet of Love and Leashes that may surprise viewers is that it doesn’t focus on a sexual relationship.

BDSM can also be just playing with dom-sub power dynamics within the relationship. I loved that in Love and Leashes, they really nailed [that] most often sex isn’t involved in these types of relationships. People are usually drawn to BDSM because there’s an erotic element to it — eros. It can be sexual but it doesn’t have to be. Eros is life force, vitality, co-creation, creativity, all these things that make sex good. It’s not just about genitals. People who practice [BDSM] inherently have all that going on because there’s so much more meaning.

The film also covers an example of what not to do — how BDSM can be misconstrued by misinformed people. They either don’t know the rules or, worse, try to take advantage.

He was being forceful, not paying attention to her wants, crossing boundaries.

A lot of women dream of being overpowered — that they’re so desirable their partner can’t keep their hands off them. It’s a very common fantasy. The awful guy, he didn’t get that. He thought she just wanted to be dominated, and that’s so not what it’s about.

It was a nice juxtaposition to see how communication works [or doesn’t] when someone is playing with control, even in the sub position.

And then there are others who are so quick to judge.

This is a puritanical culture too, so sex is taboo. We don’t talk about sex. Many of those barriers are being broken down, thankfully. Like those people sitting around that conference table [in the film], people want to point fingers and say, “That’s perverted.” But did you notice when they were sitting around the table, they kept digging for details too?

I would say it’s getting less common as we have more language around it. No one should ever use the word pervert. That’s right up there on my list of things we don’t call other people.

Any advice for someone who wants to introduce BDSM into a partnership?

A lot of couples explore power dynamics. I would say start with curiosity. If you’re being curious with your partner, it keeps them out of a position of defensiveness. Taking off that judgmental, sex-negative lens that the ex-girlfriend [in the film] portrayed so well, saying, “That’s weird. That’s perverted.” If we can get over all of that and communicate with curiosity: Do you want to do this? There’s your consent. What would feel good for you? There’s your pleasure.

This interview has been condensed and edited for clarity.