First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes… bad sex?

That’s not how the rhyme goes, but that’s what all the hoopla around postmarital sex would have you believe.

Good news: It’s exactly that. Hoopla! Fuss! Fallacy!

“Thousands, hundreds of thousands, millions of married couples have happy, healthy, and fulfilling sex lives,” says Jess O’Reilly, PhD, host of the @SexWithDrJess Podcast. Phew.

Married folks may actually have better sex… and more of it

Pick your jaw up off the ground! It makes sense if you think about it.

“As you get to know and trust your partner, you tend to become more comfortable opening up about how you feel, what you like, and what you fantasize about,” says O’Reilly. “This can lead to more exciting and fulfilling sex.”

Still unconvinced? “The data that’s out there suggests that married folks are having sex more frequently than single folks,” she adds.

Don’t underestimate the convenience of having a maybe/occasionally willing/interested partner located right beside you!

Of course, there are reasons the amount of sex might dip

The first step in having more? Understanding why you might be having less!

To have sex, you have to prioritize it

If having sex is important to you and you’re busy, guess what? “You have to prioritize it,” says O’Reilly. “This can become more of a challenge after you have kids, but it’s possible if you put in the effort.”

Her tip for prioritizing it? Put it in your schedule just as you would any other priority — whether that’s a business meeting, book club, or picking the kids up from soccer practice.

The calendar block doesn’t have to read “Bang My Boo” (though it totally can, if that’s your thing). And banging doesn’t even have to be the point!

Just set aside time to connect with each other and see what types of touch happen, says O’Reilly.

There’s a natural ebb and flow in libido over time

That’s true for folks of all genders and sexualities.

“Libido is affected by things like childbirth, illness, chronic pain, medication, stress, and substance use,” says Holly Richmond, PhD, a certified sex therapist and somatic psychologist at K-Y.

A dip in sexual desire isn’t a universal indication that something’s awry in the relationship.

You let your solo sex life fall to the wayside

Did you know libido is affected by lack of sex, too?

It might sound counterintuitive, but Richmond says, “the more you have sex, the more you want it. The less you have it, the less you want it.”

The W-H-Y comes down to hormones.

“When you have sex, there’s a release of endorphins and oxytocin that put us in the mood for sex,” she says. “Having more sex also grooves a neural pathway that teaches you to anticipate pleasure.”

That sex can be a two-person activity or a one-person activity, she says.

In addition to helping get you in the mood for partnered sex, masturbating can build your confidence.

It can also help you figure out how you like to be touched so you can better instruct your partner on how to touch you when you do have sex.

Plus, rubbing one out may also help lower your stress levels, which might help you get in the mood. #Winning.

If you can’t get in the mood, think about what’s going on outside the bedroom

The reason is simple: What you do out of the bedroom can affect what’s going on (or not) in the bedroom.

“If you’re carrying around resentment because you grudgingly do a disproportionate share of the housework, you’re not going to check this resentment at the bedroom door,” explains O’Reilly.

“Just as if you’re angry because your partner said something to undermine you in front of the kids, that anger isn’t going to immediately dissipate when you get into bed.”

Those negative feelings are also very unlikely to translate into the affection or desire needed to get it on.

The solution is two-part.

First, the partner marinating in negative feelings needs to confront their partner about what they’re feeling and why.

Then, the other partner has to respond in kind.

If you and your partner have a hard time having these kinds of conversations, you might consider a relationship therapist.

The best way to have good sex? Communicate

Whether you think you and your partner are on the same page about the type of sex you want to be having and how often you want to be having it — or you know you’re on different pages — you gotta talk about it!

“A conversation about what each partner’s expectations are around sex is critical,” says Richmond.

“You should talk about how many times a day, week, or month one of you wants to have sex,” she says.

If there’s a discrepancy in sex frequency — and most couples will at some point in the relationship — you should:

1. Continue talking about sex.
2. Prioritize other forms of sexual touch and intimacy.
3. Explore other forms of intimacy.
4. Consider seeing a sex therapist.

Beyond how often, “you should also determine what kind of sex and what feelings you want to create when you have it,” says Richmond.

For example, is it all about pleasure and an orgasm or is it more about connection?

Understanding where you both stand can help you move toward a place of empathy rather than defensiveness, which enables you to create solutions where you both feel empowered and fulfilled, she says.

Sometimes you need to put yourselves in the mood

Fun fact: There are two different types of arousal.

There’s the kind that hits you whamm-o-bamm-o all of a sudden (called spontaneous desire), and the kind that emerges once you and your partner start kissing or touching (called responsive desire).

While spontaneous desire might have been a thing right when you and your Number One started dating, “for most married couples, and people who have been in relationships for a long period of time, you have to do things to rev you up and get you in the mood,” says O’Reilly.

“If you wait to want sex to have it, you could be waiting a long time,” she says.

Exactly how you (and your partner) lean into responsive desire is going to come down to what turns you both on.

It might look like scooting closer to each other on the couch, asking for or giving a foot rub, sucking face, cuddling, or showering together.

You might even build desire all day long

Another way to get in the mood? Spend all day getting in the mood. As O’Reilly says, “Building desire starts long before clothes come off.”

What does that mean in practice, exactly?

Sexting, racy midday phone calls, or saucy notes left where your partner will find them.

Letting your partner pick out your underclothes for the day, showering together (but not touching!) in the morning, or simply telling your partner before you leave the house, “I can’t wait to hear you moan tonight.”

You can also use wearable sex tech to your advantage. The We Vibe Moxie, for example, is a panty vibrator that can be controlled by an app on your partner’s phone.

Put it on, tell your partner, then go grocery shopping. Fun!

Learning each other’s love language and desire language can help

“These may be two very different things — so it comes down to knowing your own languages, and then having open, honest conversations about them,” says Richmond.

The concept of love languages, developed by Dr. Gary Chapman, says that the way we all give or receive love could be broken down into five main categories:

• gifts
• quality time
• acts of service
• words of affirmation
• physical touch

You and your partner can learn each other’s love languages by taking this online 5-minute quiz.

This will teach you how to make your partner feel loved and appreciated, says Richmond. If your partner feels loved and appreciated, they’ll be more likely to be in the mood to fool around.

You also want to know your partner’s “desire language,” which Richmond defines as, “the way your partner likes to be shown that they’re desired.”

Do they like to be teased? Sext them before date night.

Does romance do it for them? Plan a date complete with candles, flowers, a bath, and several hours set aside just for you (sans responsibility to anyone else).

Do they like to be surprised? Leave a pair of panties in their briefcase with a note.

Do they like to be complimented? Compliment them!

Quit comparing your sex life to those of other folks

You know what they say: Comparison is the thief of joy. That also applies in the bedroom!

“You and your partner need to determine how much and what kind of sex you want to have based on what works best for you, not based on what you think you should be doing,” says Richmond.

Try something different to spice things up

“There can be a natural loss of interest in sex over time when the novelty and excitement dissipate,” says O’Reilly.

Don’t worry, it’s possible to bring back the heat.

Make a Yes, No, Maybe list

If you’ve been with your partner for a long time, you might think you know everything about their sexual preferences. But you’d probably be surprised by at least one or two things they want to try!

And that’s exactly why you and your partner should fill out a Yes, No, Maybe list (for example, this one or this one).

That may look like you each of you filling out your own list, then coming together to discuss things you’d both like to try together.

Or, that may mean making a date night out of filling one out together.

Go to a sex party/club or swinger resort

“Couples make a huge proportion of sex party attendants,” says Melissa Vitale, communication director of NSFW, a club hosting sex-positive events and workshops.

“Exploring sensuality and sexuality in a sex party setting can help a duo build intimacy, trust, and romance — whether they actually bring in a second, third, or fourth person, or just have sex with themselves in that space,” she says.

Maybe you’ll see something take place that you’re both mutually turned on by and interested in trying when you get home, she adds.

Shop for a sex toy (or toys) together

Ideally, you’ll want to do this in a store, where there are sex educators on the floor who can answer any Qs that come up.

You might try splitting up for 15 minutes, then coming back together to see what pleasure products you each added to the cart.

Or, you might bop through the store together, taking turns adding sexcessories to the cart.

Richmond recommends leaving with a toy you want to use together, as well as a toy you can each try on your own time.

“I encourage my clients to find a vibrator that works for them solo. And then to bring it into the bedroom with their partner — this is most often a huge turn on for the partner.”

Turn on porn

Despite what you might have heard, porn can actually be beneficial to a relationship.

“It’s one way couples can step into a fantasy world together,” says Richmond. “By asking each other what they want to watch, you get clues about what some of their specifics turn-ons may be — perhaps things they are too embarrassed to ask for.”

“With porn, you need to remember that this is purely for entertainment, not for education,” she says.

“Rather than using porn to set expectations about what we or our partners should look like or how we should perform, it’s about creating fantasy and a fun space to sink more deeply into pleasure.”

If you don’t know where to start, check out feminist porn sites like CrashPadSeries, Bellesa, and Lust Cinema.

Go on vacation!
You know what they say: Vacation sex is the best sex.

While experts warn against putting too much pressure on you and your boo to romp like rabbits every time you get away, Richmond says, “vacation sex really is a great way to reset a sex life or re-invigorate it.”

It isn’t the hotel sheets or room service that make vacation sex so good, though.

“It’s about the fact that you’re in an environment that allows you to leave your day-to-day, minute-to-minute responsibilities behind,” says Richmond. “[This] opens up space for you and your partner to cultivate eroticism, and step squarely into fantasy and pleasure.”

To be very clear: This means not checking Slack, email, or other notifications, if at all possible.

Some travel-friendly pleasure products to pack:

• , which has a travel lock
• , which is TSA-approved kink and BDSM gear
• , which you can bring right in your carry-on

The bottom line

Don’t let the boring trope that putting a ring on it will ruin your sex life — you and your partner get to decide what married sex looks like for you.

There are plenty of reasons — intimacy, trust, love, and familiarity, to name a few! — that married sex can actually be more fulfilling than single sex, and plenty of ways to reinvigorate your sex life if it starts to feel a little lackluster.

But it wasn’t until February 23 that Brock asked Allana to marry him. They were married seven months later.

That might sound out of order. But according to a recent study by Wedding Wire, two out of three millennials are planning their weddings prior to getting engaged.

This kind of change in the industry is actually a sign of good things, said Holly Richmond, a licensed marriage and family therapist and sex therapist.

“Women are more empowered,” she said. “It’s not like we’re sitting around waiting to be proposed to anymore.

“We’ve got ideas about what we want our proposal to look like, what we want our engagement to look like, what we want our wedding to look like.”

Why the rush?

At the same time, Richmond encourages people to check in with themselves and their mindset — is it all about an engagement and wedding or is it about celebrating a long-term relationship with someone you love?

Sometimes it’s hard to separate the two. She said to ask yourself, can you see yourself with this person in 15 or 20 years?

“Does that excite you?” she said. “Does the relationship feel solid?”

In even more simple terms, ask yourself, “Are you excited about the person or are you excited about getting married?”

And be honest.

But don’t feel pressure to have everything decided. The level of planning and booking before an engagement varies from couple to couple.

“Some couples do the research before the ring but decide to hold off on signing contracts and putting down deposits until after the official engagement,” said Jaclyn Fisher, wedding planner and owner of Two Little Birds Planning in New Jersey. “Every couple is different, so it’s up to them and what they feel comfortable planning before an engagement.”

Couples can start with the basics by creating a general guest list and budget and answering basic questions about what kind of wedding and venue you both want.

“With these things done, a fiancé-to-be can start looking into venues and vendors,” Fisher said. “It’s okay to have a list of potential venues to visit and vendors to meet, so that when the engagement begins, you’ll have a head start on the planning. Or if you feel comfortable, you can dive right in and start booking.”

Social and financial pressures

There’s no denying social media has played a big part in this trend.

“With Pinterest and Instagram, many have started planning their weddings long before they’re even in a committed relationship,” Fisher said.

As people get more serious with a partner, they might start looking up venues or influencers that cause similar accounts to pop up in their feeds.

“Expectations are higher because social media is showing us what we want to see,” Richmond said.

But there are practical reasons for booking pre-engagement, too.

The Johnsons knew the date they wanted to get married and didn’t want a long engagement.

“Brock wanted the proposal to be special and at the right time,” Allana said. “So, he was taking his time with it.”

But their special date was on Labor Day weekend. If they waited, venues would’ve likely been completely booked.

“Popular wedding months and venues book up fast,” Fisher said. “Couples that don’t want a long engagement, but do want a specific date, venue or vendor, benefit from starting the planning early, and sometimes that means before an official engagement.”

Allana also attended a bridal expo where she found her photographer. The photographer was offering a special deal if they booked right then, so she did.

She said it was nerve racking to be making such big financial decisions. But even if they did it after the proposal, they’d still be making those decisions before they said their vows. She knew their commitment level, engagement or not.

“The level of risk was the same,” she said. “It just came down to trusting each other, trusting ourselves and trusting God that this was how things were meant to be.”

Dealing with the skeptics

It can be difficult to tell people you’ve already started planning before getting engaged.

Allana decided not to tell too many people for fear of “snide remarks or even well-meaning advice to wait.”

But she did confide in a few people, which was helpful in the stressful and confusing world of wedding planning.

One was her best friend and the other two were her mentors, who are married.

“I think having a couple who is already married and has a healthy relationship who can mentor you is an invaluable asset, because they can offer perspective during those moments of anxiety,” she said.

A new normal

For some, an engagement has become more of a formality, Fisher said. According to the Pew Research Center, the number of Americans living with an unmarried partner was about 18 million in 2016, up almost 30 percent since 2007. And about half, it said, are younger than 35.

When a couple is living together, Richmond said, they gain an intimate knowledge of each other that makes it easier to make decisions about important things like a wedding.

But that doesn’t mean couples who are waiting until they get engaged or married to live together can’t plan pre-ring.

“Their communication just needs to be even more clear,” Richmond said. “The smallest detail, those things need to be talked about.”

Either way, communication is the key to planning any wedding, Richmond said.

A good rule, she said, is to “talk first, book second.”

And even if one partner enjoys the planning process more than the other, it’s important to keep both people on the same page.

“A wedding is about the couple,” Fisher said. “So, if you’ve gotten a head start on the planning solo, welcome his or her input when the time comes.”

By Taylor Andrews

Raise your hand if you’ve been planning your dream wedding since you were, oh, way too young to know what a venetian hour is. I’m talking serious planning here: imagining your dream wedding dress lewk, drafting your vows based on your favorite rom-com movie lines, keeping a list of potential bridesmaids…

Yeah, same. But some women are taking this childhood fantasy one step further by putting down payments on venues and buying their wedding dresses—before they’re even actually engaged.

According to a recent study published by wedding company Zola, 60 percent of couples planned part of their wedding before they got engaged—like, 15 percent of them selected their wedding venue and 50 percent went ring shopping.

“My husband and I were dating for eight years and I knew we were going to get engaged soon, so I snuck down to Philadelphia with my sister to scope out a few potential venues during the holidays because I knew things would book up early,” says Jennifer Spector, Zola’s brand director.

Spector booked the venue shortly after viewing sans ring…and saved some major dollars and stress in doing so.

Debbie S., a researcher from New York City, did some pre-planning too. After solidifying a venue, buying a dress, and getting quotes from photographers, all the 30-year-old had left to do was wait for the proposal.

“My husband and I had no intention of dating for very long anyway. It seemed like the sooner I did it, the better,” says Debbie. And while her hubby was a bit shook on how fast the relationship was moving, he knew he wanted to marry her and didn’t mind the pre-planning—especially when it guaranteed their dream venue during competitive wedding season, which could also fit their 400+ guests.

In fact, organizing the wedding ahead of time made the proposal that much more special, says Debbie. “Having the date, venue, and dress booked and ready gave my husband the luxury of time, in that he could work out the nitty gritty details of the proposal since the wedding was already arranged.”

What’s more, “It can be empowering to know what you want and to go for it,” says Holly Richmond, PhD, certified sex and relationship therapist. And while there’s really no exact timeline for when you’re ready to get married, sometimes it starts by initiating conversations about things that don’t require a signature on contracts or down payments right away—such as budgets, guest lists, and wedding designs (easy things to fantasize about!) Then, work your way up to the heavier ideas like location, payment, rings, and photographers.

But, before you go chasing your white horse and chariot, come back to reality for a sec: Is this what you want? Are you and your partner there yet? Should you wait for the actual question? Should you do the asking? Is your relationship ready to make the step of confirming ya’ll are pre-ancés (aka, pre-fiancés)?

No matter how much money or headaches or drama you’ll avoid by starting the process early, remember: talk to your partner! “Don’t rush it because you have a vision of what it should look like,” says Richmond.

Wishful thinking alone doesn’t always work well in this type of sitch, so if you want to book a venue or buy a dress pre-engagement, make sure your partner acknowledges that, yeah, you actually will soon be engaged. Or, at the very least, get that shit insured!

Start with an “I’m Curious” conversation with your partner to gauge his or her interest. Say: “I’m curious what you think about our future,” or “I’m curious what you think our marriage will look like,” advises Richmond. Not only does this validate your partner’s ideas and opinion, but it opens the door to direct conversation about marriage, too.

And if you are really ready to get married, move forward to create the life you envisioned, even if it means you’re the one getting on your knee (literally or figuratively). It’s 2018, girl, sometimes we gotta take action into our own hands.

Just don’t get too caught up on the superficial stuff, alright? No matter how excited you may be for your on-sale A-symmetrical neckline, getting married is really about the lurve deep down.

By Sara Lindberg

“Man, I can’t keep up with my wife’s sex drive, I feel like a piece of meat,” a patient of couples therapist Dr. Wyatt Fisher once told him. The man, whose wife was pregnant at the time, had inadvertently made him feel “like she usually feels,” the husband said — chiefly, objectified, used to satisfy a need. And this man wasn’t alone. Couples often find their sex drives are inverted during pregnancy, or at least disrupted.

Fisher has seen a lot of couples over the years and tells Romper there is a variety of reasons why men may not be interested in sex as much as their pregnant partner. “For some men, their drive hasn’t changed but their wife’s is now higher than theirs and they may not be as sexually attracted towards their wife’s pregnant body,” says Fisher.

We all know the main reason women’s sexual urges can go up and down during pregnancy: hormones. As Healthline explained in a look at sex drives during pregnancy, increased blood flow during pregnancy means “easier arousal and increased sensitivity.” Early in pregnancy, however, hormone levels can sap your energy for a romp. But your partner’s not pregnant, so why is he pulling the “I’m too tired” line? Well, unfortunately, there is no standard answer about pregnancy and sex. Some people want it — they even crave it, while others, just want to be left alone (and this includes both men and women).

Many women report having “wet dreams” during pregnancy (spontaneous orgasm from erotic dream fantasy), when they’ve never had them before

Pregnancy can function as a sexual awakening of sorts for some women. The surge in estrogen and progesterone can affect their sexual appetite. Psychologist Dr. Holly Richmond tells me that many women report having “wet dreams” during pregnancy (spontaneous orgasm from erotic dream fantasy), when they’ve never had them before. She also hears about women masturbating and initiating sex more frequently with their partners.

So, obviously, it could be that a man’s sex drive hasn’t necessarily changed, but their pregnant partner’s sex drive has gone through the roof. This rang true for Fisher’s patient, who felt used. Fisher warns that can make them feel distant with their wife or partner, and may even lead to avoiding intimate moments so it doesn’t lead to sex.

Some men just aren’t into pregnancy sex. Yes, there are some who are turned on by a pregnant body, but there are others who may not be as sexually attracted to their partner’s changing body. This creates a problem for women who experience a boost in their body confidence, which consequently, ignites sexual desire.

Kelley Kitley, 39, Chicago, says she experienced a huge increase in her sex drive, especially in the second trimester. Even though her drive was higher than normal, she says her libido was typically matched by her partner’s drive. (Funny, that!)

Richmond tells me that about half of her clients who are pregnant report never feeling better about their body — they love their expanding breasts and hips, and relish how womanly and alive they feel. So, when she approaches her partner for a little action, and is met with a lackluster response, it makes sense that problems may arise.

Lauren Cecora, 29, or Northern California tells Romper that when she was pregnant she didn’t take “no” for an answer. “It was a little difficult the more pregnant I got to find comfortable positions, but when I was in the mood, it happened. My husband just went with it,” she says.

Fisher says he sees a lot of men who have anxiety around harming the baby during intercourse. He gives the example of a male client who was anxious about having sex with his wife because he was afraid he’d give his kid brain damage. Being worried about harming the baby’s head is quite common. But no matter how endowed a man is, he is not going to hurt the baby. The chances of a penis ramming the top of a baby’s head during intercourse is next to none.

For first-time dad James N., “trying to get the baby out at the very and was slightly awkward or intimidating,” and yes, he worried about jabbing the baby, but at the end of the day, he says, “who is complaining about sex?”

If you’re experiencing a dry spell because your partner isn’t into pregnancy sex, Richmond says the first question to ask a man is, “What is it that’s making them feel uncomfortable?”

If your partner is avoiding sex for fear of hurting the baby, here’s what he needs to know: “The cervix protects the baby and there’s no way a penis can penetrate it,” says Richmond. In the case of men being worried that lying on top of their partner will somehow hurt the baby, Richmond says she agrees with this one, but there is an easy fix: just change positions. She recommends trying one of the other million-ish other sex positions, such as doggy style, girl-on-top, and side-lying.

Many couples wonder what they can do to keep their sex life on track. The solution here, not surprisingly, is to talk to each other about how you feel, and about your desires and needs.

If you’re experiencing a dry spell because your partner isn’t into pregnancy sex, Richmond says the first question to ask a man is, “What is it that’s making them feel uncomfortable?” Is it the fear of accidentally hurting the baby or their partner, or is it something bigger like fear of becoming a father and all the responsibility that entails? She also says that some men just aren’t sexually attracted to pregnant women (and some are hugely attracted to them!).

“It’s really important for a man to know what his stumbling block is,” she says. And once he knows what that is, it may be a good idea for him to communicate this to his partner. “She will absolutely be wondering why he’s distant and why their relationship is lacking its usual intimacy, so it’s usually best to get them on the same page and prevent further misunderstanding.”

Certified sex therapist, Dr. Rosara Torrisi, who works with many pregnant couples, tells Romper the overall concern for most people is the fear that they are not connecting with their partner in a way that is important to them. She explains that this lack of connection brings fears of abandonment or inadequacy that can quickly become toxic in a relationship.

Torrisi says that’s why talking with an expert if your partner is having difficulty regarding you as a sexual person now that you’re pregnant, can be helpful. She also suggests that men focus on what their partner’s changing body tastes like, smells, looks, sounds, and feels like. “Change it up by trying new positions, lotions, and locations,” she suggests.

But, what about tips for women who want their needs met?

Well, the rules of intimacy and eroticism are the same. Richmond believes that if a woman wants to experience her pleasure potential, she needs to communicate what turns her on and show her partner how to help her experience the best sensations possible.

“During pregnancy, sometimes a woman will need more direct pressure in certain spots, like her clitoris, and less in others like her nipples,” explains Richmond. Every woman is an individual of course — and a pregnant individual — so the best thing she can do is to communicate her needs in a direct yet heartfelt and sensitive way. That might sound like, “I love it when you grab my breasts, but it’s too much when you touch my nipples right now. Can we switch that up?”

Torrisi suggests using oral and manual (hands-on) sex, which are both wonderful components of a couple’s sex life throughout their years together. And, of course, they can seek out the help of a couple’s therapist or sex therapist if the subject of intimacy and sex feels too difficult for them to tackle on their own.

Richmond also recommends couples plan a time for uninterrupted connection and communication. “I always suggest partners sit facing each other so they can make eye contact, which encourages empathy and understanding. From here, they need to be curious rather than judgmental about their partner’s feelings, as well as stay true to their own needs and wants.”

We all know that honesty is generally the best policy when it comes to long-term partnerships, but there are certain cases where brutal forthrightness can cause more harm than good. Herewith, you’ll discover all of the phrases and sayings your wife absolutely never wants to hear. So read on, and think carefully before you speak. And if your marriage is going wonderfully and you’re looking to spice things up in the bedroom, don’t miss these amazing secrets. 

1| “You remind me of my mother.”

This might sound like a compliment in your head, but chances are that’s not how she’ll hear it. “It doesn’t matter if she gets along great with her mother in law, comparisons to any family member can completely kill the mood,” says Kimberly Hershenson, LMSW, a therapist based in NYC. Also, never say she reminds you of her own mother, for similar reasons. This is definitely one of the 40 Worst Mistakes Married People Make.

2| “Get over it.”

“If a woman is expressing her concerns or needs in the relationship and they’re dismissed, it makes her feel voiceless and powerless,” explains Dr. Wyatt Fisher, a licensed psychologist and founder of a couples retreat. No matter how unreasonable you think she’s being, find a kinder way to acknowledge her emotions. And for ways to really heat up your marriage, consider embracing your wilder side.  

3| “Don’t take this personally.”

Similarly, it’s virtually impossible not to take your spouse’s words and actions personally. “We have a right to feel what we feel, and to work through those emotions with our partners,” notes Jodi J. De Luca, PhD, a licensed clinical psychologist. “To be denied this right is to invalidate a very intimate part of who we are, and often results in psychologically unsafe relationships.” You can try regaining your significant other’s affection by using any one of the 50 Relationship Quotes to Reignite Your Love.

4| “You’re just better with the kids than I am.”

This is basically just a cop-out, even if you feel that it’s true on some level. “Women need help, especially from their significant others,” points out Vikki Ziegler, celebrity divorce attorney, relationship expert, and author of The Pre-Marital Planner. “They want their spouses to step up and help with the kids, not solely rely on them to do everything.”  Get more connected with your wife by taking part in some of the Best Bonding Activities for Married Couples.

5| “I want a divorce.”

No one wants to hear this from their spouse out of the blue, but it’s especially bad to say these words when you don’t really mean them just to incite a reaction. “So often, couples run into temporary moments of discomfort in their marriages, and instead having logical conversations about how to make the relationship better, they go straight for the ‘D’ word,” notes Allison Maxim, lead attorney at Maxim Law. “This is not only unhealthy rhetoric, but making these comments could leave your spouse feeling unsafe and insecure.”

6| “Relax!”

“In the midst of something tense, the word ‘relax’ from your spouse only ramps things up,” says Mitzi Bockmann, a certified life coach. Heed her advice and avoid this directive at all costs.

7| “Why don’t we have sex like we used to?”

Sex can be a pain point that’s absolutely worth addressing, but this phrasing is likely to put your wife on the defensive. “The first 18 months of a relationship are magical in almost every way, particularly sexually,” notes Dr. Holly Richmond, Somatic Psychologist and Head of Advisory Board for Ella Paradis. “This frenzied phase cannot be sustained, but is typically replaced by amazing levels of security and deep, attuned attachment. A lot changes happen in relationships over the years, including having children, career stress, financial strain, health problems or perhaps having to care for a parent. It is absolutely possible for long-term couples to have an exciting sex life, but it is unlikely it will ever be like it was at the beginning. Be open to moving passionately into the future, not trying to recreate the past.”

8| “You were so hot when we met.”

Again, this might seem like a nice thing to say, especially if you still find your wife attractive, but the emphasis on the past makes it easy to take offense. “Having kids, aging, exhaustion and just getting comfortable in a relationship may lead to her not dressing up as much, working out as much or even having time for makeup,” Hershenson says. “She’s still the same person, so this comment can be very hurtful.” Reconnecting can be hard. If you want some great help, check out the 30 Things Straight Couples Can Learn From Gay Couples.

9| “Is that what you’re wearing?”

“Clearly if she has it on, that’s what she was planning to wear,” says Tiya Cunningham-Sumter, a relationship coach. This dreaded phrase will make her second-guess her outfit choice and likely deliver a hit to her confidence.

10| “Stop nagging me.”

Often what’s interpreted as nagging is simply asking for help. “It can be particularly aggravating when the wife is reminding their husband of something they promised to do (several times) over the past weeks, months, or years or when the wife is expressing concern about their spouse’s health,” says Gina Gardiner, relationship expert and author.

Trust us, no matter how many times the question is asked, the right answer is always, “No, you look great!”

Having to repeat herself because you weren’t listening is likely to evoke annoyance. “For most women, emotional intimacy is a core need,” Dr. Fisher explains. “Therefore, if you respond like you’re not listening to her, it can be very hurtful and make her feel detached.”

“I find that when married couples find themselves in this situation, it is because neither of them can get on a financial plan that they both can agree on,” says Nolan Martin, a personal finance expert. “Typically, one of them is the spender and one of them is the saver. In many cases, they find difficulty in reaching common ground to prevent not having enough dollars to make it through the month.”

“This is code for maybe sometime, probably never,” Gardiner says. Heads up: Women know this.

“Most women don’t like to be asked about their orgasm prior to or during climax because it feels like pressure,” Richmond explains. “Most women would rather enjoy the entire sexual experience rather than being focused on having an orgasm—that’s an extra bonus but certainly not a prerequisite for having great sex.”

16| “I know I said I would do it but…”

It can be tempting to say you’re will do something you know you aren’t going to do just to end a conversation about it, but that’s not an effective strategy in the long-term. “Men want to keep their wives happy, so they agree to do what they are asked to do. Unfortunately their follow through isn’t always the best,” Bockmann says. “And not getting things done that they say they are going to get done is worse than saying they can’t do it.”

17| “I’m not attracted to you right now.”

“Our culture emphasizes looks above all else for women, and most women scrutinize themselves in the mirror for not feeling like they measure up,” Dr. Fisher says. “Therefore, commenting negatively about your wife’s looks can be extremely hurtful.”

The worst thing you can say to your wife when she’s not calm? This. “Men often find emotional outbursts difficult to deal with as they don’t have the resources to deal with them,” Gardiner says. “Men generally want to fix things, and when they can’t, they feel they have failed their partner. They become impatient, so instead of giving their partner the hug and support they need they are brusque, leaving their wives feeling they don’t care.” Try saying something simple and supportive instead.

This is a particularly touchy topic because it often means there’s something extramarital going on, or can be an unwelcome reminder of past relationships. “It’s scary to learn that you may contract something from your loved one who had unprotected sex in the past,” Ziegler says. “Getting tested and being proactive can help a spouse protect themselves.”

20| Silence.

“In my experience, when there is a lack of engagement, no response to questions, or no empathy expressed when they are upset, it is incredibly hurtful and damaging,” Gardiner says. “The wife feels unseen, unheard, and describes a feeling of disappearing. It destroys their confidence and sense of self-worth.” So even if you’re not sure what to say, say something.

Read the full article by Charlotte Andersen here.

Read Full Article at: http://www.prevention.com/sex/what-relationship-experts-know-about-divorce