By Allie Volpe

It’s a tricky question, so we asked sex therapists to weigh in.

Is porn cheating?

Watching porn is not considered cheating in every relationship, but it can be in some relationships. It depends on the relationship parameters the partners have agreed on.

“Cheating is, at its simplest, actions that cross the agreed-upon boundaries in a relationship. If both parties agree to not view porn and one person does in secret, then in that circumstance, yes, it could be considered cheating,” explains Shadeen Francis, LMFT, CST, a licensed marriage therapist and board-certified sex therapist.

But watching porn isn’t in itself a betrayal, Francis emphasizes. The betrayal happens when one person knowingly crosses a line they’ve agreed not to cross in the relationship.

Of course, many couples never explicitly discussed porn before entering into the relationship—and this lack of transparency can also lead to hurt feelings. “Often, this question hasn’t even been discussed, so when the one partner finds out the other is watching porn, they feel betrayed,” explains Holly Richmond, Ph.D., LMFT, a licensed marriage therapist and AASECT-certified sex therapist.

Part of the confusion here stems from the assumptions around what it means to be in a monogamous relationship: Some people assume that being sexually exclusive means that porn must be off the table, whereas others see watching porn as more of a personal, solo sexual activity and therefore not related to cheating because it doesn’t involve other people. There isn’t a right or wrong answer here—it’s just about how the individuals in a given relationship see it and what they agree on going forward.

“However, if we look at the absolute criteria for cheating—secretive physical or emotional engagement with someone outside of the relationship—it is hard for porn to check this box. Certainly there is no touch and almost never any communication,” Richmond says. “Most people watch for some sort of stress relief or anxiety reduction. It isn’t as much about sex as it is about a biological physical release. It is almost never about connecting with the performers.”

The problem with demonizing porn.

Everyone’s allowed to have their boundaries in a relationship. At the same time, Francis emphasizes the importance of making sure not to create a culture of hostility around a partner’s natural desires—which can be worse for the relationship than the actual porn.

“Most folks have been instructed to view porn (and any other form of self-focused pleasure) as a comment on relationship sexual satisfaction or, at worst, a threat to partnered pleasure. This misconception makes the landscape of desire dangerous and is often more harmful to the relationship than the porn viewing itself,” Francis explains.

“Arousal isn’t a threat. People still have the ability to decide what they do with their time, attention, and, yes, genitals. Partners cannot control their partner’s behavior; you do not have agency over anyone else’s body. Even if the behavior reflects a value difference, unless they have agreed not to watch porn themselves, you cannot enforce or mandate another person’s relationship to their body. This leads to unhealthy power dynamics, reinforces a relationship culture of surveillance and insecurity, and is deeply shameful for both parties involved.”

That means that the answer to disagreements about porn use often aren’t simply to force the person to stop watching porn—it often won’t work, and it can often make matters worse.

“Even if the person says they will give it up, most likely they won’t, so this dynamic doesn’t work anyway,” Richmond says. “No one wants to be controlled, and our partner’s mind and bodies are not ours to own. There must be open communication about what porn means to both people and a collaborative agreement going forward, as well as an attempt to perhaps meet in the middle.”

Can porn negatively affect a relationship?

“Yes, watching porn can negatively impact a relationship, but it’s most often not because it’s ‘cheating.’ It’s because the couple hasn’t talked about why they want to or don’t want to watch porn and what meaning porn has to them,” Richmond explains. “Porn itself isn’t the risk to the relationship; not talking about it is.”

In general, research has produced mixed results about the effects of watching porn. Many studies have found porn is associated with lower relationship satisfaction, while others have found porn more commonly has no effect or even positive effects on couples’ sex lives. (If you really want to get into the weeds, here’s our deep dive on how porn affects relationships.)

One of the most common concerns about porn use in relationships is that the person is watching porn because they’re not satisfied with their sex life with their partner. But according to Francis, that worry is often grounded in their partner’s insecurities about their own desirability.

“This topic can open up some really meaningful conversations within relationships,” she says. “Often, more than porn, couples are needing to resolve conflicts around the infrequency of sex, the kinds of sex that are being had (or not), or unmet needs for reassurance about their individual desirability.”

Signs that porn is negatively affecting the relationship.

Here are a few signs that your porn use might be affecting your relationship, according to Richmond:

• You’re hiding your porn use from your partner because you think or know they won’t approve of it.
• You or your partner’s erotic energy is going exclusively toward porn, resulting in a low-sex or sexless relationship.
• You or your partner expect sex with each other to look like the sex in porn.
• You or your partner try to “perform” during sex to meet porn standards.
• You feel like you can’t ask for what you want in bed; you feel pressured to mimic what you see in porn.

How to talk about porn with your partner.

If you watch porn and don’t know how your partner feels about it, Richmond says it’s important to just have a conversation about it. Here’s a simple conversation starter:

“I was reading an article about watching porn in relationships, and I realized we’ve never really had a conversation about that. I don’t want to keep secrets, so I thought it’d be good for us to talk about this and see how we both feel about it.”

It can be helpful to explain what you get from watching porn, whether it’s just for a quick physical release, a way to explore fantasies, or whatever else it might be. It’ll also be important to reassure your partner that your porn use doesn’t have to do with how you feel about them so they don’t worry. (Or if it does feel related to your feelings about the relationship, bring up those concerns so you can start working on them together!)

Often navigating feelings around porn use will take more than just one conversation, so make sure to give your partner time to process if they need it, to ask questions to understand their feelings about it, and to be proactive in making sure your partner feels secure in the relationship.

What to do if your partner watches porn:

1. Have a nonjudgmental conversation to understand each other’s points of view.

A conversation is imperative, no matter how awkward it might feel.

It’s important to understand why your partner watches porn and what they get out of it, says Richmond. “Is it about anxiety reduction, boredom alleviation, mood improvement, sleep enhancement, novelty, curiosity, exploration, or one of dozens of other reasons? Again, it is almost never because the porn-watching person isn’t happy with their partner or because they have a desire to cheat.”

Likewise, your feelings about the issue are valid. Explain what feelings are coming up for you now that you know about your partner’s porn use. Try to convey these feelings without attacking or judging your partner for their porn use. Focus less on convincing each other about who’s right; instead, focus on understanding the feelings and needs each of you is describing.

2. Give yourself a reality check.

“Porn is media designed to be arousing by showing scenes of actors and performers experiencing pleasure,” Francis reminds. “Even if what your partner views doesn’t please you, in particular, how does it make you feel to know that they can be turned on by their own fantasies? Have you ever been aroused by anything that wasn’t directly related to your partner? If yes (which is the answer for most people), that is normal.”

3. Make honesty a priority.

Finding out about a partner’s porn use can sometimes feel jolting or even traumatizing because it feels like there’s been a secret between you this whole time. As Richmond points out, the secrecy is often more damaging than the porn use itself.

So putting the porn aside for a second, it’s worth having a conversation about the importance of honesty and transparency in your relationship: Why was there such a big secret between the two of you for this long? How can you foster an environment where your partner feels safe sharing intimate truths about themselves with you? And how can they assure you that you can trust them to be honest going forward?

4. Check in on how well each other’s needs are being met in the relationship.

How connected are the two of you feeling these days? Is there excitement and passion in the relationship? Do you feel like your sexual and emotional needs are being met? Do you both feel sexy and desired?

These are all questions that can come into focus when porn use comes up, so it’s a great time to check in on how the two of you are feeling and what you can do to make sure you both feel super secure in the relationship. When you’re feeling good about the relationship (and in your sex life), often the question of porn feels less threatening.

5. Build your sexual self-esteem.

For many people, learning about a partner’s porn use can make our own insecurities—about the relationship and ourselves—flare up.

“The worry about whether the porn watcher is dissatisfied or disinterested in sex is often grounded in their partner’s internalized insecurities about their own desirability,” Francis says. “Working on your own sense of sexual worth and appeal can help lessen the fear associated with knowing that other people are also sexually appealing.”

Work on building your sexual self-esteem, connecting with your own sexual energy, and enjoying the benefits of masturbation yourself.

“Your partner can support this journey also,” Francis adds. “How does your relationship make room for sexual attention, flirtation, or just compliments?”

6. Make space for compromise.

Both Francis and Richmond say that asking your partner to stop watching porn altogether is likely not an effective strategy and will ultimately just put more strain on the relationship. So in place of ultimatums, find ways to really connect as a couple and breathe new life into the relationship. Ask your partner to really hear and understand your feelings, and really listen and try to understand theirs.

While you might never see completely eye to eye on porn, there may be ways for you to meet somewhere in the middle. Richmond suggests considering options like watching porn together (mutual masturbation is a thing!) or even creating your own.

If you and your partner are struggling to make progress in these conversations, seeing a couples’ therapist, counselor, or coach can be very helpful. A professional can guide you through these tough conversations and help you get creative with solutions.

Turns out that last fantasy may be a major reason women visit porn sites. A recent PornHub report shows that “lesbian” is the most popular category for female viewers of this digital porn portal. The category was actually 151% more popular with women than with men. Surprising, right?

Of course, lesbian women probably account for some of that popularity. But the data suggests that a lot of straight women are clicking into it, too. A recent Gallup poll found just 5% of women identify as LGBT, which leads us to believe plenty of straight-identifying women are getting off on girl-on-girl porn. To find out why so many women love to watch other women get it on, we asked a sex therapist to weigh in.

But first, let’s clear one thing up: Just because you watch lesbian porn doesn’t mean you’re sexually into ladies. Sure, some women might be, and that’s perfectly fine. But you can also just be in it for the fantasy, says Holly Richmond, PhD, a sex therapist in Southern California. The same goes for any type of porn, she adds. What you enjoy online could be entirely different from what you enjoy in the bedroom. But if you’re a straight woman and you find yourself digging lesbian porn, these four reason might explain why.

It’s not about the performance

We’ve all seen such hardcore porn that it’s made us think, Would that even be enjoyable? Richmond says the answer is usually no. “Most porn, especially hetero-normative porn, is all about the performance,” she explains. “It’s all about what it looks like and what it sounds like, not about what it feels like.” Lesbian porn is different, though, because it’s often written by women, for women, she adds. Plus, hetero porn tends to put the spotlight on the penis. In girl-on-girl scenes, the entire female body is the star of the show.

Your pleasure is the focus

Hetero porn is typically centered around male pleasure, Richmond says, and it often involves super aggressive intercourse with the guy in control. But penis-in-vagina jackhammering isn’t what makes most women hit that high note. Instead, it’s more about clitoral stimulation, and there’s lots of that in lesbian porn. Oh, and hetero porn always seems to end when the guy ejaculates. Lesbian porn is all about women reaching that big O.

It’s way more relatable

“I always say porn stars are like our Olympic athletes of sex,” Richmond says. “There’s just nothing real about it.” She explains that lesbian porn tends to feature a wider range of body types than hetero porn, which makes it way easier to relate to the performers and the action they’re enjoying. You also won’t be looking at a female porn star’s body and thinking, Why don’t I look like that? Instead, you can just focus on what feels good. No distractions.

Female sexuality is more fluid

Culturally, it’s more acceptable for women to experiment sexually with women than for men to play around with men. That’s not to say lesbian women don’t still face discrimination. But when a woman hooks up with another woman, it’s often seen as sexy; when a man does it, it’s seen as strange.

That’s one reason women are more sexually fluid, but Richmond says it’s also in our DNA. Studies have shown that women are turned on by a much wider range of things than men, she says. Why we’re hard-wired that way is unclear, but it’s something to embrace and enjoy.

In early 2014 Ela Darling, 31, a pornographic actress, recorded her first virtual reality sex scene. She was in a college dorm room at the University of Maryland dressed in an R2-D2 swimsuit and high athletic socks. She sat on a twin bed, next to a wooden desk, and spoke to the camera as if it were a real person. There was no story line and no other actors.

“It was a solo masturbation scene,” she said. “I was coy and flirty and then a little bit dirty. I felt sexy as hell.”

Ms. Darling had been filming pornography since she was 22 and took her job seriously. It was her responsibility to convince audiences to connect with her physically and emotionally. She tried everything, including acting out bondage fetishes, performing erotic electrostimulation (“electrosex”) on another woman and dressing as a real-estate agent. Yet no matter what she did to entice and engage, the results had always been voyeuristic, since there was always a screen separating her and her fans.

As the scene unfolds, it moves from massage, to oral, to penetration, all accompanied by kissing, caressing and compliments, masterfully choreographed by Los Angeles-based sex therapist, Dr. Holly Richmond. She’s pioneering a new wave of virtual reality porn, focusing on sex-edutainment, training women to explore every kink and fantasy in a safe space. “This is Virtual Sexology, season two,” she says. “Women have desires that need to be explored and these videos are a way for them to experiment and enjoy themselves — it’s a more intimate experience.” The actresses certainly enjoy themselves. “Normally, I run to shower after a shoot,” says porn star and former HBO presenter Katie Morgan, as she leans against the wall, stretching out her tanned lean legs post-shoot. “But I don’t feel dirty now, I feel satisfied.”

This porn is a sequel; the first released in the Virtual Sexology series was male focused, teaching men ways to control and prolong their orgasm. It’s  currently the most downloaded virtual reality video BaDoink has ever made (out of 500+ films). But today’s shoot flips the script — it’s all about the woman’s pleasure. A new space for porn company BaDoink VR, but one they say is growing. “This is the year of women and VR porn,” says director Dinorah Hernandez. “Most of our videos are made for men 18-30, but women are starting to be more open about their sexual fantasies — and VR —  and this explores that.” This is true industry wide— women make up around  26% of all visitors to porn aggregator PornHub, and searches for virtual reality porn have risen over 650% in the last year. Researchers at Newcastle University recently published research discussing how VR porn could be problematic — but adding that if done correctly, it could benefit men and women alike, opening them up to new experiences and greater personal freedom. “In our research, we also saw suggestions that VR could deliver more embodied sensory experiences, with more emphasis on subtlety and the relational aspects of sexual experiences,”  writes researcher Matthew Wood.

Around this time last year, I penned a piece about the lack of virtual reality adult content targeted at women, but I’m glad to say that’s not the case anymore. No doubt, it’s still a hugely male dominated content space, but as demand has grown for VR porn from all types of consumer, a growing number of female directors are stepping up and creating female focused content.

“We launched maybe a week after your piece came out,” Lily Campbell, the Portland based director and producer for Yanks VR, tells me. Yanks VR is part of the Yanks.com porn empire, which she’s been part of since 2009. Yanks’ whole schtick is that they’re about real sex and that all the orgasms you see are genuine. Their tagline is 100% female produced, 100% real girls and real orgasms. The women on the website are stunning, but they’re also very real — more diversity in body shape, skin color and tattoos then you’d find elsewhere. And real doesn’t mean poor quality; these are glamorous amateurs who like playing up to the camera.

But Campbell, 32, wanted to push the envelope further, and offering VR content seemed like the next logical step. As more and more companies started creating VR porn, she realized there was a wide range of quality; from professional shoots to amateur efforts with blurry shots and vomit inducing motion swings. She found that the wide majority of this content was aimed at men — suggesting there was space for something new. While Yanks isn’t strictly a for women website (it’s designed to appeal to all genders) their aesthetic and focus on female pleasure makes it tick all the right feminist boxes.

However, producing VR isn’t just about buying a VR rig and going wild, and she found the learning curve steep,  experimenting with a number of different VR setups to get it just right. Campbell knew that having a good experience would be the deciding factor in people sticking around to watch more, and this came from personal experience. “The first time I tried an Oculus headset on I was turned off,” she says. “I got nauseous. But I could see the cool and creative possibilities of it and it became apparent it had a huge potential in the adult market.” She’s had to change her whole way of working to integrate VR — she shoots her VR scenes around six times a month with three to five videos per day and her regular scenes on different days.

By Zara Stone