By Amanda Chatel

By Devon Barrow

And while a temporary relationship doesn’t exactly scream romantic, experts say a cuffing season relationship can have serious benefits. That’s if you go about it the right way.

It’s basically a shortcut into the cozy stage of a relationship, says licensed marriage and family therapist Shadeen Francis. “While [it] might not have the same depth as a long-term relationship, some of these short-term bonds can feel really soothing and comforting,” she says.

Think about it: Summer flings get all the hype thanks to outdoor happy hours and the promise of weekend trips, but winter is just too d*mn frigid for all that activity. Spending large amounts of time indoors and not seeing friends out and about can affect how you’re feeling. (You’ve seen The Shining, right?)

“When there’s not as much going on outdoors, not having to be alone indoors in those darker winter months, it’s good for people’s mental health to not be isolated,” says Dr. Holly Richmond, a certified sex therapist and author of Reclaiming Pleasure: A Sex-Positive Guide for Moving Past Sexual Trauma and Living a Passionate Life.

As social circles get smaller and slower, what’s a gal to do besides find a cutie to hide with under hygge-style blankets and make out with in-between Netflix binges?

If you’re considering nabbing a special someone to keep you warm and ~entertained~ before the chill sets in, peep this expert-approved guide to cuffing season.

First things first: What is cuffing season?

With “cuffing” popping up in the Urban Dictionary 10 years ago, you’re probably familiar with the concept and even participated in a few cuffing seasons of your own (get it!). As a refresher, “cuffing season” is the time of year when the weather starts to turn cooler and people start seeking relationships to get them through those upcoming long, chilly nights.

The thought process? “During the cold winter months, people are less motivated to leave the warmth and comfort of their homes and meet others for social gatherings,” says relationship researcher Marisa T. Cohen, PhD. “Instead, people would rather find one person to spend their time with at home.”

These relationships are normally short-term, but that doesn’t necessarily mean your seasonal boo won’t turn into a year-long bae. But more on that later…

When is cuffing season?

Couples typically start to cuff off in the late fall or early winter and then stay together until the weather starts to thaw in the spring. But it’s not just the weather that’s to blame for this impulse to couple up during the winter, there’s a biological aspect as well.

With serotonin levels naturally dropping with the temperature, people can start to feel a bit down, Cohen explains, triggering a desire to find someone to spend time with to combat these feelings.

In addition, anyone who’s seen a certain genre of movies has witnessed the social norm of having a plus one during the holiday trifecta of Christmas, New Year’s, and Valentine’s Day. If you feel more pressure to not be alone during these events, you’re not, well, alone.

“Look at rom-coms [since] forever, it’s like, you need someone to take home for Christmas,” Richmond says. “They’re either going home or they’re going to events, there are things happening where they feel like they should be partnered.”

Richmond adds that she would even consider Halloween as another holiday where there are starting to be societal norms around not showing up at a party without a plus one. “They’re just all holidays that people like to spend with someone else, and in this case, a romantic partner,” she says.

How do I find a seasonal bae?

On an average day, it’s hard enough to find someone worthy of your time. Factor in shorter days, fewer chances for a meet-cute since you’re inside all the time, and an instinct to just pull the covers over your head until spring. It can make dating prospects feel dismal.

But, say you matched with the cutest person in 60 swipes or have your eye on a friend-of-a-friend adjacent to your social bubble. Be upfront that you’re looking to cuff—then, you can focus on how their personality gels with yours. Try, “I’d love to hang out if you’re down, but I’m not really into the idea of something long-term. What are your thoughts on something short and simple?” As long as you set those clear boundaries and expectations upfront, you should be good to go.

“So many times, I see one person is much more attached and has this vision of what the relationship is and will be, and the other partner just isn’t on the same page,” says Richmond. “We’re not responsible for someone else’s feelings, but we are responsible for not leading people on.”

So do some swipes on dating apps you can tolerate, resurrect promising conversations you ghosted on two months ago, or take to the DMs. Just be sure both of you know what your connection is all about.

How can I tell if I’ve been cuffed?

If you’re not the one cuffing a partner, the flip side can be confusing. Maybe you started talking or dating at the end of the summer, but then they didn’t stay over after an apple picking outing. What’s happening? Here’s where a vibe check comes in handy.

Are you talking about future plans? Does it happen organically? Do those plans cut off in March or April? Take note of the nature of these conversations because they can signal if your partner is thinking short-term. That can also help you understand where you’re at, too. Take notice of the little voice inside your head and whether it’s telling you that you want more commitment, or that you’re good with where things are at, Francis says.

Of course, the easiest way to find out if you’re being cuffed is to ask (seriously, see above). It doesn’t quite have to be the dreaded “What are we?” conversation. An easy, “Where do you see this going?” will do just fine.

Once you get your answer, what happens next is up to you: Are you interested in getting to know more about each other, or is your connection good as is? If you’re okay with the ‘ship status quo, keep it going until you pack your sweaters away in storage again. But if not, it’s best to cut things off now and find someone who wants the same things you do.

Should I participate in cuffing season or nah?

Cuffing isn’t for everyone—if you want to go through winter with your fine self, more power to you. But even those craving attention and affection should think about what they actually need at this moment in life, lest they settle for a cuddle buddy hiding red flags underneath a cozy blanket or fall into a relationship they never really wanted.

*Checks calendar* Okay, cuffing season is over. What now?

If you’ve enjoyed hanging out for a few months but aren’t looking to carry on the relationship any further, that’s totally your call. Decide how much or how little contact you’d like to have with the person from this point on, and then off you go!

But if you’re interested in continuing the relationship? That’s totally okay, too! Asking yourself questions like, “Does this person have the attributes or traits that are important to me in a partner?,” “Do we share the same values?,” or “What do I like about how I feel with this person?” are all good considerations before jumping into a conversation about making the relationship long-term. And yes, you will need to have a conversation.

“As with all relationships, it is important to keep the lines of communication open and to be comfortable and vulnerable enough to share your needs, desires, and fears,” says Cohen. “Therefore, if you are in a caring and secure relationship and want to see it continue, let your partner know. Be honest and share your feelings.”

So, take the time to talk it out with your partner. And if you’re both on the same page, then the next step is easy–start planning which patios you’ll visit and what drinks you’ll be having once it’s warm enough.

Here are some tips to help you decide if cuffing season is worth your time.

What does demisexuality mean?

Demisexuals generally don’t feel immediate sexual desire. “They lead with emotional connection, not sexual interest,” says Holly Richmond, PhD, LMFT, a certified sex therapist in private practice.

But over time, emotional connection can lead to feelings of sexual attraction. “For some demisexuals this may be a matter of several weeks, for others, several months,” Richmond says.

Here are some signs you may be demisexual, according to Casey Tanner, MA, LCPC, a certified sex therapist and founder of The Expansive Group:

• You’ve had the experience of not being attracted to someone at first, but felt attraction build up once you felt an emotional connection.
• You’ve never felt sexual desire for someone you weren’t close to.
• You can’t relate when friends are sexually attracted to a celebrity or someone they’ve just met.
• You have trouble relating to people who enjoy casual sex.

Pansexual vs. demisexual: Pansexual people are attracted to others regardless of their gender or biological sexual orientation. Pansexuals can be demisexual if they need an emotional bond to feel attraction, but pansexuals can also be asexual or feel immediate sexual attraction.

At the beginning of a relationship, a lack of interest in sex may cause challenges for demisexual people.

“There needs to be open communication about what the expectations are early in the relationship,” Richmond says, so the demisexual person doesn’t feel rushed into sex and their partner doesn’t feel rejected.

“It is also important that they clarify to their partner that it isn’t a lack of sexual attraction, but rather that the sexual attraction takes longer to grow,” Richmond says.

Myths about demisexuality

• Myth 1: Demisexual people don’t like sex. Demisexuality isn’t the same thing as asexuality, in which a person has no sexual attraction or interest in sex. “On the contrary, just like anyone else, demisexual folks are capable of full, exciting, passionate, and wide-ranging sexual dynamics,” Tanner says.
• Myth 2: Demisexual people are attracted to everyone they’re close with. Just because sexual attraction can grow out of an emotional bond doesn’t mean it always will. “The same way that gay people aren’t attracted to everyone of the same gender, demisexual folks aren’t attracted to everyone they’re emotionally investing in,” says Tanner.
• Myth 3: Demisexuality determines sexual orientation. Demisexuality doesn’t affect which genders you’re attracted to, only the way your attraction develops. You can be bisexual, straight, gay, or any other sexual orientation at the same time as being demisexual.
• Myth 4: Anyone who doesn’t like casual sex is demisexual. Many people choose to wait until they get to know someone to have sex, but this isn’t the same thing as demisexuality. “Demisexual individuals are not making a choice; they cannot experience sexual attraction without that bond,” says Tanner.

How to support someone who is demisexual

It’s not always easy to come out as demisexual, and having the support of friends and family can play an important role. Here’s how you can support someone in your life who is demisexual:

• Do your own research. The person coming out may explain how their demisexuality works, but it helps to do some reading on the subject so you don’t bombard them with potentially hurtful questions or ideas, Tanner says. You can find more information on the Demisexuality Resource Center website.
• Believe them. It’s important to listen to your loved one when they tell you about their experience. Remember, everyone knows themselves best, Tanner says.
• Ask how you can support them. Let them make the decisions about what they need, Richmond says. You can ask questions like:
  • Do you want to talk about it more?
  • Do you want help sharing this with other people?
• Let them know that you accept them. If your loved one feels accepted, they may be more open to talk about their experience of being demisexual.

Insider’s takeaway

Being demisexual doesn’t mean you don’t feel sexual attraction, just that your attraction can only grow after forming an emotional connection.

Just like anyone else, demisexual people can have strong relationships and rich sex lives, so long as you keep up good communication with your partner.

If someone you love is demisexual, educate yourself on the subject and offer them your support and acceptance.

In partnered relationships, especially those that are long-term, helping people understand their core belief systems around sex is key. Only from that introspective, self-aware foundation can they authentically create the sex life they want by asking for what they need.

One of the most common relational paradoxes a sex therapist manages is that of sex versus intimacy: one partner wants more sex while the other wants more intimacy. Now, of course sex and intimacy can coexist—it’s what most couples desire—but when specific needs around physical and emotional closeness aren’t being met, this divisive line becomes quite pronounced.

What I’ll typically hear from one partner is, “We never have sex,” or “You always say no.” The other partner will assert, “We never talk,” and “All you want is sex.” For example, one person feels like their partner ignores housework, childcare, and romance, yet expects them to be magically turned on and in the mood for sex at all times. The other person feels rejected, unwanted, and taken for granted, and tells themselves they are justified in not giving their partner the relationship they want because they aren’t getting the sex they want.

This becomes a passive-aggressive standoff of dueling belief systems. It is particularly dysfunctional when neither partner will budge form their position until the other does, e.g., “I’ll have sex once I feel cared for,” versus “I’ll take care of you once we have sex.” And around and around they go in an uncoordinated dance of unmet emotional and physical needs.

While it may seem like each partner is asking for something entirely different, they usually aren’t. By exploring the meaning of sex and intimacy (rather than specific acts of them), couples have an opportunity to come into alignment and co-create an erotic space that is equally satisfying.

Most people who crave intimacy are actually craving curiosity and genuine interest from their partner.

Here’s an insider sex therapist secret: Many couples have good or even great sex when they have it; it’s trudging through emotions like sadness, anger, resentment and contempt before taking their clothes off that gets in the way. It’s often not a problem of mechanics, but rather of past, unresolved grievances. Of the four common relational emotions listed above, venerated couples therapists and researchers John and Julie Gottman have determined that resentment and contempt are the most harmful to long-term partnerships. Helping couples understand and move through their resentment or contempt is a necessary first step toward both people cultivating the sex life and relationship they’re longing for.

Okay, but how?

1. Define “intimacy” and “sex.”

Intimacy to one person is not intimacy to another, and the same goes for sex. Starting with the latter, it’s important for each partner to understand what’s being asked for when sex is stated as a need. Is it penis-in-vagina, the penetration-based norm for many straight couples? Or, does sex mean oral or anal or simply lying in bed together making out? Part of my job is to help clients create a satisfying and meaningful sex life, which necessitates a sex-positive approach. The way I describe “sex-positive” is: All sex is good sex if it’s consensual and pleasurable. From this position of sex-positivity, couples can communicate more specifically about what they’re asking for when they ask for sex. Most beneficially in this scenario, when the partner who has been avoiding sex and craving intimacy understands the expectations around sex, communication opens up and allows the couple to recreate each experience and therefore disengage from the dysfunctional cycle.

Regarding intimacy, my preferred, easy-to-remember definition is, in to me see. Most people who crave intimacy are actually craving curiosity and genuine interest from their partner. They want to feel known and understood. Yes, sometimes it’s about feeling supported around the home, and perhaps being “courted” and romanced. But it almost never involves grand gestures like expensive presents, dates, or trips. Intimacy for many people can be fulfilled by their partner asking the simple question, “How are you?” and truly caring about the answer.

With a continual practice in curiosity, couples create a unique opportunity to find common erotic ground.

2. Create meaning.

This is one of my favorite questions to ask when digging for meaning around sex and intimacy: If our sex life was perfect, I would _____and then you would feel more ________. The first part of the question attends to sex, the second part, intimacy. Is sex a matter of physiological release? Is it about experiencing physical touch? Is it about feeling sexy and powerful? Is it an expression of love? Does it meet a sensual need? Similarly, is intimacy about feeling loved and cared for? Is it about being seen, accepted, and known? Is it sacred or spiritual in some way? Does intimacy equate to vulnerability and being totally open mindfully, bodily, and soulfully?

In addition to the array of answers above, the response I hear most often—from both partners—is that sex and intimacy are about connection. It just so happens that each person is asking for it in a way the other doesn’t understand. With a continual practice in curiosity, which includes radical inquiry of ourselves and our partners, couples create a unique opportunity to find common erotic ground.

3. Be specific.

At this point in your sexual and relational evolution, your partner will better understand how you define sex and intimacy as well as the meaning it confers, but no matter how long you have been together, they still can’t read your mind. Instead of guessing and potentially misreading their cues again, each time you are asking for sex or intimacy, answer these two questions for yourself:

• What do I need to feel?
• How do I want my partner to feel?

There are no wrong answers here! You may need to feel a physiological release and want your partner to enjoy the intense pleasure of a quickie. You may need to feel adored and want your partner to feel powerful. You may need to feel held (so sex actually looks like cuddling) and you want your partner to feel needed. You may want to feel animalistic and want your partner to feel empowered. You may need to feel desired and want your partner to feel appreciated.

Exploring how you feel most connected to your partner is invaluable in increasing sexual and relational satisfaction around the common paradox of sex versus intimacy. By opening up honest, authentic conversation—and setting aside resentment and contempt—you have the opportunity to reimagine a sex life that is, in equal measure, physically and emotionally fulfilling.

The psychosocial stages of development.

Erikson, a prolific German-American psychologist throughout the 20th century, categorized the human experience from birth to adulthood into eight individual stages, coining the psychological stages of development. Each stage highlights the primary conflict that can be observed in humans during that time frame and how the outcome of that conflict can shape the individual. The stages are as follows:

• Trust vs. Mistrust, relates to hope (ages 0–1.5 years)
• Autonomy vs. Shame, relates to will (ages 1.5–3 years)
• Initiative vs. Guilt, relates to purpose (ages 3–5 years)
• Industry vs. Inferiority, relates to competency (ages 5–12 years )
• Identity vs. Role Confusion, relates to fidelity (ages 12–18 years)
• Intimacy vs. Isolation, relates to love (ages 18–40)
• Generativity vs. Stagnation, relates to care (ages 40–65)
• Ego Integrity vs. Despair, relates to wisdom (ages 65+)

What is intimacy versus isolation?

Intimacy versus isolation is the sixth stage of Erik Erikson’s theory of psychosocial development, occurring between the ages of 18 and 40. The theme of this stage is intimacy, which refers to forming loving and intimate relationships with others. Adults who successfully complete this stage go on to have healthy, satisfying relationships.

“Erikson suggests that in early adulthood, we encounter the psychosocial crisis of intimacy versus isolation,” psychologist Karin Anderson Abrell, Ph.D., explains to mbg. “We navigate ways we’ll express and receive intimacy with friends, family members, and romantic partners.”

During this stage, she adds, we determine our preferences and norms, which will influence the dynamics of all our relationships. “Some of us will desire deep intimacy, while others will feel more comfortable with greater emotional distance in relationships.”

What to know about intimacy.

As somatic psychologist and licensed marriage and family therapist Holly Richmond, Ph.D., LMFT, CST, tells mbg, we can start to understand intimacy by breaking down the world itself: “into me see.” What does that mean? “We’re talking about empathy and vulnerability—that’s how you cultivate intimacy,” she says.

Intimacy involves “connecting deeply and authentically with another—sharing who we are, what we’re about, and how we feel,” Abrell adds. This is important because it offers us what psychologists call social support. “A myriad of studies find those of us with solid and reliable social support fare better in a variety of realms—including our emotional and psychological well-being and even our physical health,” she notes.

Although people often associate the word intimacy with sex, sexual intimacy is just one type of intimacy. Intimacy can happen in romantic contexts as well as familial and friendly relationships. Erikson believed close and intimate relationships in general play a large role in our overall well-being.

Signs of intimacy.

Some signs of intimacy in a relationship, according to Richmond, include:

• Vulnerability
• Honesty
• Empathy
• Prioritizing each other’s needs
• Consideration for each other
• A degree of reciprocity and balance within the relationship

How to build intimacy in a relationship.

According to Abrell, “It’s counterintuitive, but the most important tip for building intimacy is to cultivate and solidify your identity.” That’s because the stage before intimacy versus isolation is identity versus role confusion, and Erikson asserted we can’t experience intimacy until we’ve established our identity, Abrell explains. “We can’t bond with others if our identity remains porous or fragmented. True intimacy necessitates two individuals—each with a strong sense of self—choosing to engage with one another.”

And of course, intimacy comes with a bit of risk, but it’s a risk worth taking, Richmond says. “Taking more risk, being more vulnerable, and opening yourself up more,” she says, are all important factors of connection and, therefore, intimacy. “Any good relationship starts with the emotional and relational piece of intimacy,” she adds. “So how vulnerable can you be with your partner; how vulnerable can they be with you?”

What to know about isolation.

Isolation occurs from a lack of intimacy. “Isolation is just like it sounds—lacking connections, struggling to engage with others, and avoiding emotional attachments,” Abrell notes.

Oftentimes, isolation can stem from issues surrounding attachment, self-worth or self-image, and intimacy. The stage before intimacy versus isolation is identity versus role confusion, Abrell notes, and if there’s still work to be done there, intimacy can feel like a challenge.

“There’s no intimacy without connection, and if we’re too in shame, too in self-doubt, or too much in insecurity, we can’t connect,” Richmond explains.

And this can turn into many psychological and physical detriments, Abrell adds, including loneliness, little to no social support, poor relationships, and even health effects ranging from heart disease to depression, substance abuse, and suicide.

How to overcome isolation in a relationship.

Intimacy versus isolation is one of the longest developmental stages in Erikson’s theory, so if you think you’re dealing with isolation, don’t worry—it can take time to build up your capacity for intimacy and fulfilling relationships, and that’s OK. You also don’t have to do it on your own.

“Isolated individuals can absolutely move toward connection through therapy, support groups, and social skills training,” Abrell says, adding that again, “self-reflection, self-exploration, and cultivating one’s identity will assist in overcoming isolation.” Very often, isolation can be rooted in a fear of rejection, she notes, so by bolstering our identity, “we gain the courage to embark upon the risk-taking inherent in relating to others.”

As Richmond notes, cultivating intimacy is about learning how to open up, be vulnerable, and take that risk.

Why it’s important.

In Erikson’s theory, each stage represents the main theme or conflict of that period of one’s life, and with intimacy versus isolation, the objective is to cultivate and, more importantly, learn how to cultivate meaningful intimate relationships. Without them, we ultimately won’t feel wholly fulfilled.

“Intimacy is all about feeling seen, feeling understood, and not feeling like you have to sacrifice a piece of yourself to be loved,” Richmond explains, adding if we can’t connect, we can’t be intimate, which leads to isolation.

And according to research, Abrell tells mbg, loneliness is associated with up to a 30% increased risk of premature death, on top of all the aforementioned physical and mental afflictions, like heart disease and depression.

The bottom line.

Intimacy versus isolation is a lengthy stage and the one that dominates our early adult life. Over these years, we learn how to have healthy relationships, both romantic and non-romantic. When we grow and learn through this stage, we’re better suited for fulfilling relationships as we get older and are bolstered by our support systems, friendships, and romantic partners.

How thought-provoking conversations help deepen relationships.

Thought-provoking questions and conversations are all about curiosity and connection, according to somatic psychologist and therapist Holly Richmond, Ph.D., LMFT, CST. “Conversation—not a monologue—is a direct route to someone’s head or heart, depending on the context,” she explains. When you ask someone quality questions—and show genuine interest in what they have to say—”you set up a system for a deeper connection going forward.”

And according to licensed marriage and family therapist Tiana Leeds, M.A., LMFT, without touching on these deeper topics, we’re left with our own assumptions about others, which, of course, aren’t always accurate.

“Conversation is our shortcut to understanding who someone is and deepening our connection to them,” she explains, adding that open communication can give us direct access to someone’s innermost thoughts and feelings—and also gives us the opportunity to be seen and known. As Richmond notes, good conversation is all about reciprocity.

Questions to ask yourself:

• What is my intention here?
• What are my core values?
• Which of my deep inner longings have I been ignoring?
• Who lights me up when I’m around them?
• Who drains my energy when I’m around them?
• When do I feel most alive?
• What am I feeling—nervous, anxious, trepidatious, excited, eager—and what is making me feel that way?
• How do I honor myself? Neglect myself?
• How have I grown as a person?

Deep questions for new friends:

• What’s been on your mind today?
• What are you excited about right now?
• Is there anything you’re worried about?
• How connected are you feeling to the world?
• What are you passionate about?
• What do you value most in a friend?
• What consistently brings you joy right now?
• What feels hard in your life right now?
• Is there a decision you’re contemplating that would be helpful to talk through together?
• What’s bringing you pleasure right now?
• What’s something difficult you’re working on?

Questions to ask a romantic partner:

• What feeling have you been experiencing the most lately?
• How connected are you feeling in our relationship?
• Are you sexually fulfilled?
• What could make our relationship even better?
• What makes you feel most loved?
• Is there something you care about for which you would be willing to risk your life?
• How can I be a better partner to you?
• What were you like as a child? As a teen?
• Tell me about the last time you felt lonely when you were with me.
• What are your dreams for your future?
• What makes you feel closest to me?
• Is there anything you are grappling with where I can help?
• What is your vision for a great relationship?

Thoughtful questions for family members:

• What excited you today?
• What are you feeling grateful for today?
• What was missing from your life this week?
• About what have you been proud of yourself for this week?
• What are you eager to feel more confident about in the next few weeks?
• What word would you use to describe our family?
• Do you identify with our family, or do you feel more like an outsider, and why?
• What family traditions do you carry on?
• Tell me about a time you did something you “weren’t supposed to” but it was worth it.
• Tell me about a family member of ours who I never had the chance to meet.
• What are our strengths as a family?
• What is your favorite present you’ve ever received?
• What are our values as a family?
• Any traditions that you were happy to say goodbye to?
• What do you think our family will look like in 50 years?

Philosophical questions:

• Where are you finding the most meaning in life?
• What do you imagine your legacy will be?
• How long do you think you’ll be remembered?
• What do you feel has been the most important thing you’ve done in life so far?
• What lasting impact do you know you’ve made in the world?
• What’s the most important quality a person can have?
• What does the world need more of?
• What does the world need less of?
• Do you think the sciences or art will be valued more in the next 50 years?
• Why is art important or unimportant?
• Will organized religion have a bigger or smaller place in society going forward?
• What is the meaning of happiness?
• Do you place a bigger value on helping yourself, your family, or the world? How so?
• By what standards do you think society should be judged?
• Do you feel like the world is changing for the better or changing for the worse?
• How so?
• Is there a motto or principle you live by?
• Is morality relative?
• What from the past is worth preserving?
• In what ways has society changed during your lifetime? What do you think caused these changes?
• Is it better to be realistic or optimistic?

The takeaway.

From being a good friend or partner to simply knowing how to keep a good conversation going, having an arsenal of thought-provoking questions is always helpful. Not only can you exchange interesting and new ideas, but you learn more about the people in your life, they learn more about you, and you’re able to deepen and strengthen your connection and understanding between each other, whether they be a friend, family member, or partner.

Getting the conversation started.

Conversations are going to look different depending on who you’re talking to and how close you are, but generally speaking, it’s always good to have an idea of why you want to have the conversation in the first place.

“Get clear about your own motives for starting the conversation,” couples’ therapist Alicia Muñoz, LPC, explains to mbg. “Are you motivated by pure curiosity? A desire to get to know someone better? A desire to build a stronger friendship? Do you have a specific goal in mind […] like a job interview?”

When you’re clear on your motive, she says, you can be open about it. People will naturally wonder why you’re striking up a conversation, “and being clear about it from the start creates trust,” she says. For example, if you were reaching out to a CEO on LinkedIn, you can explain from the get-go that you hope to work together. Or if you’re on a dating app, simply telling someone you’re interested in getting to know them can go a long way.

“Being upfront with people about your motives for starting conversations may feel vulnerable,” Muñoz adds, “but others often experience it as clarifying and refreshing. It fosters a genuine connection.”

Tips to keep things going:

1. Get curious.

Try to display genuine curiosity in the person you’re talking with. Licensed marriage and family therapist Holly Richmond, Ph.D., LMFT, CST, tells mbg, “I’m curious” is one of her favorite phrases. Think questions like “I’m curious about your…” or “I’m curious what you think about…” etc.

“People love to talk about themselves, and that ‘I’m curious’ question isn’t a judgment on your part,” Richmond says, “so there’s nothing the other person could get defensive about.”

As Muñoz adds, “Allow another person to experience your curiosity and interest in them. Let go of your agenda.”

2. Find common ground.

One of the quickest ways to start bonding with someone new is by finding common ground. “If there’s a moment to find synergy with a person,” Richmond suggests, “meaning shared likes and beliefs, that’s always a good way to go.”

It’s worth noting here that certain topics like politics, religion, and other potentially controversial subjects can lead to tension if you don’t already know where a person stands. If you want to avoid potential disagreements, you may wish to avoid such subjects. On the other hand, taking the risk to dive into these tougher topics may pay off if you find you have more in common than not.

3. Make sure it’s a good time to talk.

Sometimes people may not be the most forthcoming in conversation, and in some cases, this can be because it’s simply not a good time to talk. “If someone doesn’t seem to want to engage in a conversation with you,” Muñoz explains, “you could ask them directly, ‘Is this a bad time to talk? I want to connect with you, but I also want to respect this might not be a good time for you.'” This opens up the door for them to let you know where they’re at, and you should be able to gauge whether they’re interested.

4. Listen intently.

Really show you’re engaged and interested in what this person has to say. Not only will this make them feel good, but active listening can help strengthen all your relationships.

You can even practice with friends to improve your listening skills. A good rule of thumb for being a better listener: Don’t worry so much about what you want to say next. Just pay attention to what the person is saying.

“People generally open up more when they’re being seen, heard, noticed, and listened to in the little details of who they are and how they express themselves,” Muñoz says.

5. Ask open-ended questions.

Give people a chance to answer open-ended questions rather than giving straight yeses or nos. This is also another way of showing curiosity. As Muñoz notes, “Great interviewers know how to make people feel special by being genuinely fascinated by other people. Ask open-ended questions.”

As you listen, “notice their response without jumping automatically back to yourself, your experience, your interpretations of what they said,” she adds.

Tips for in-person conversations:

Pull from context clues. As you listen to someone talking, Muñoz suggests trying to “notice someone’s jewelry, the logo on their T-shirt, their overall energy level, their sense of humor, their way of expressing themselves, and celebrate that.”
Build on compliments. Just as people love to talk about themselves when you give them the opportunity, “People also love compliments,” Richmond notes. Finding something to compliment, whether it be something they’re wearing, or something more personal like their overall energy, can help the person soften and open up. You can combine this with tip No. 1, a question like, “I’m so curious where you got that fantastic bag,” Richmond offers as an example.
Have good eye contact and body language. Body language is essential. People can easily pick up on when a conversation has run its course by the way we position our bodies, how much eye contact we’re making, and our tone of voice. “Really make sure you’re looking the person in the eye, your body is facing them, and your arms aren’t crossed,” Richmond says.

Tips for texting conversations:

Don’t fret if they’re not the best texter. Texting isn’t for everyone, and it’s easy to overthink short replies and delayed response time. Whoever you’re texting could also be busy and not in a place where they can be totally engaged with their device. You can always ask whether it’s a good time, or if they’d rather talk on the phone or meet up IRL. “If a person answers in a monosyllable, don’t give up,” Muñoz says. “Keep attending to them. Maintain a warm, open stance. Don’t let your own insecurities break the connection.”

Be direct. One downfall of texting is the chance for things to get lost in translation. Your best bet is to be direct. “In texts,” Muñoz explains, “it’s important to spell things out that might otherwise be communicated in someone’s tone of voice or body language.” For example, you could say, “I’ve been thinking about you and wondering how you’re doing. I’d love to hear anything you want to share!” she adds.

Use emoji. OK, emoji aren’t for everyone. But if you want to communicate your message clearly and directly, one way to do so is through emoji—especially if we’re talking about messaging someone on a dating app. Research shows people who use emoji actually have more first dates, and it has everything to do with the way we respond to those little facial expressions when we can’t actually see the visual cues from whom we’re talking with otherwise. They fill in those gaps, so give ’em a try!

Specific topics and questions:

1. Their upbringing

It goes without saying that our childhood shapes us into who we become in so many ways. Basic questions about where someone grew up can tell you a lot about a person and is also a good chance to find out where the two of you may share similarities (or differences).

Some questions to ask:

• Where did you grow up? What was it like?
• Did you like growing up there?
• What do you think is the best thing about your hometown?
• Would you ever move back home? (Or if they live there, do they want to move?)
• Where are your favorite places in town?

2. Weather and seasons

Yes, this might be considered small talk, but when in doubt, dealing with the weather is a universal experience, and everyone has something to say about it. There’s a reason it always comes up! Plus, someone’s thoughts on the weather can tell you what they like as far as the seasons and seasonal activities, what kind of day they’re having, etc.

Some questions to ask:

• Do you like rainy days, or do you find them kind of drab?
• What’s your favorite season and why?
• What are your favorite things to do in fall, winter, etc.?
• What does a day of perfect weather look like to you?
• If you could skip any season, which would it be?

3. Hobbies and interests

Who doesn’t love to talk about what they’re passionate about? Getting curious about someone’s hobbies and interests shows you want to understand them, and you can also try to find some common ground here. Maybe you notice they posted a picture skiing or a newly completed art project, so you ask them about that. People are usually happy to share the things that bring them joy.

Some questions to ask:

• What’s your favorite way to spend your free time?
• What’s one topic you want to know everything about?
• Is there a particular hobby you’ve been dying to pick up?
• What’s the last internet rabbit-hole you went down?
• Did you have any hobbies as a kid you’d like to pick up again?

4. Books, music, TV shows, and movies

At least one of these forms of media is likely a significant part of someone’s life. People get super passionate about their favorite musical artists, TV series, and so on, so ask them about it! You may find you both love the Lord of the Rings series, or you’re both big fans of classic rock.

Some questions to ask:

• What kind of music do you like to listen to?
• If you could live in any TV show’s or movie’s universe, which would it be?
• Do you have an all-time favorite book or author?
• What’s the best concert you’ve ever been to?
• Who’s your favorite fictional character of all time?

5. School and work

Asking about school or work is bound to come up as you’re getting to know someone. It’s always good to know what someone’s goals are, what they’re studying or have studied, and how that ties into their story. Just pay attention here if the tone shifts when you bring these things up, as school and work can be sources of stress. If it seems like they don’t want to talk about it, you can always redirect the conversation:

• What did you go to school for, and what made you decide that?
• Did you ever think you would be a [insert career], or did you want to be something else growing up?
• What’s your biggest professional goal right now?
• What’s your favorite class right now? (Or if they’re working, what is their favorite part about their job?)
• Do you ever feel called to try something else career-wise, or are you happy with where you’re at?

The bottom line.

Conversations aren’t everyone’s forte, and that’s OK. At the end of the day, showing you are actively listening, offering nonjudgmental and open questions, and simply being kind and forthcoming will never steer you wrong when chatting with someone, whether they’re a new friend or an old one. Try practicing with people you’re close with to strengthen your conversational skills. And when in doubt, a compliment never hurts.

We’ve all been there—but the truth is, it is totally possible to make new friends, no matter how old you are. Here’s advice on how to make friends as an adult, from three relationship experts:

1. Approach with positivity.

According to board-certified psychiatrist Roxanna Namavar, D.O., the way we perceive the world frames our whole life. If you go into social scenarios or approach making new friends with negativity, you aren’t going to get too far. This is the law of attraction 101—we have to focus on what makes us feel good. If all we focus on is our lack of new friends, we’re reinforcing that reality.

“When we start to focus on doing things that make us feel good and engage in a way that increases positive feelings, it makes it easier to see and connect with other people we resonate with,” she adds.

2. Create a life for yourself that you enjoy.

To that end, Namavar stresses that the best thing you can do for yourself to make new friends is to create a life you enjoy. “Like attracts like,” she notes, and “the more engaged we are with life, the easier it is to go out and meet people. When you do things that make you feel good, you end up finding people who enjoy the same things.”

3. Find a group that interests you.

Yes, this may be a little difficult in the age of COVID-19, but there are still plenty of virtual interest groups you can take advantage of right now. As psychologist Nicole Beurkens, Ph.D., explains to mbg, “One of the easiest ways to connect with people who might be friendship material is to engage in group activities around your interests.”

“One of my favorite ways to make friends as an adult is Meetup,” says somatic psychologist Holly Richmond, Ph.D. “There’s also My Social Calendar.”

Engaging in things you enjoy, whatever they are, “can reduce fears of awkwardness by giving you something to focus on besides the people involved,” Beurkens adds.

For a little inspiration, here are just some of the activities you can consider, offered by Beurkens, Namavar, and Richmond: Take a new yoga class, join a local hiking group, try a cooking class, attend a spiritual or religious service, practice with the church choir, check out a local sports club, join a committee at work, scope out a crafting workshop, join a book club or volunteer with a local charity.

4. Lead with curiosity.

When we’re meeting new people, our insecurities can get the best of us, Richmond explains—but it goes both ways. It’s important to remember a new friend is just a person like you, who’s also got their own insecurities.

“Instead of talking about yourself or thinking you have to impress this person, lead with curiosity and ask questions about them,” she says. “We’re all so in our head, so if you can help get someone out of their head a bit, it’s generally really endearing.”

5. Look to your network.

In the age of social media, there are innumerable casual acquaintances always available at our fingertips. Why not reach out to one of them? As Richmond tells mbg, relationships are always evolving: “You can know someone for years and one day just click,” she says. “Timing is everything, so give those old relationships a new chance or a new view.”

Mutual friends are a great place to start as well, Namavar notes. “Sometimes it makes it easier to be social if a friend is with you that you already feel comfortable with,” she says. Plus, if they already get along with one of your friends, there’s a good chance you’ll like them too.

6. Say yes.

You might have to go outside your comfort zone and try new things to make new connections. “The key is to be willing to put yourself out there to engage with other people you don’t know,” Beurkens says. Of course, this can be intimidating, “especially for people who are shy or experience some social anxiety,” she adds, “but taking the risk to meet new people is what leads to the reward of developing new relationships.”

As much as your inner social butterfly allows, say “yes” when you receive an invite. You never know until you try, and the more you put yourself out there, the more people you’ll meet. Richmond recommends letting friends and family know you want to make new friends as well, “So they can put feelers out for you, and invite you to things they’re going to.”

7. Don’t be afraid to initiate.

Making a friend is a two-way street, so don’t be afraid to initiate. The other person could be just as hesitant to reach out, too. Things like a simple compliment or finding a similar interest are great places to start, Namavar says. “Also, asking somebody for a little bit of help,” she adds, “opens the door to soften the interaction.”

Similarly, if you’re single and dating new people but it’s not working out romantically, you can always try initiating a friendship. Richmond notes she knows lots of people who’ve become friends with someone they went on a date or two with but didn’t vibe with romantically. “Go into dating with an open mind—it could be something different,” she says.

8. Get vulnerable.

“We’re programmed to be afraid of rejection, but no connections that are worthwhile happen without vulnerability,” Richmond says. For this reason, having a strong enough sense of self so you can be OK with a friendship not working out is important. Don’t be afraid to be yourself—otherwise, how will you make friends who see and accept the real you?

“Not everyone’s going to like you, but as we get older, you can accept that not everyone needs to like you,” she adds. And when you live your truth, “then you can find the people who do,” she says.

9. Be patient.

And lastly, know it takes time to build strong relationships. Be ready to give things time to naturally unfold and for the friendship to blossom. It’s not a marathon—and when it comes to friendship, it’s always quality over quantity. “The key is to have at least one or two people in your life you can rely on and feel connected to,” Beurkens notes. You don’t have to overwhelm yourself by booking your calendar to the brim. Start by simply finding one new person to reach out to, and take it from there.

The bottom line.

Friendships are one of the most enriching parts of our lives, and as we get older, making new ones can seem like a challenge. But if you’re seeking new, meaningful connections in your life, it starts with a commitment both to meeting new people and a commitment to yourself.

Once you decide to make new friends, put yourself out there and get involved in an activity that really lights you up. You’re bound to meet someone new. Tell that cool girl in your yoga class you like her leggings, or introduce yourself to your neighbor down the street that you’ve always thought seemed nice. Every interaction is a chance for a new connection when you’re open and looking.