By Anna Breslaw, Carina Hsieh, and Rachel Varina 

You’re horny, bored, and/or stressed out (thanks, endless news cycle!). What’s a woman to do? Masturbate, of course!

See, masturbating doesn’t just feel good (but it does!), it’s also legit good for you. And that’s true no matter which of the million different ways to masturbate you choose.

Okay, but what are the health benefits of masturbation?

The fact that it feels phenom is reason enough to get down with your bad self. But the health perks will have you reaching into your panties faster than you can say, “vibrator.” These perks include:

It lowers your stress levels.

“Masturbation releases stress and anxiety,” says Leah Millheiser, MD, clinical assistant professor and director of female sexual medicine at Stanford University Medical Center. “We know that you get total-body relaxation after an orgasm, which is great for someone who’s tense.”

It’s good for your vaginal health.

“Masturbation increases blood flow to the genitals, which is important because blood flow keeps the vagina healthy,” says Dr. Millheiser.

You can’t get pregnant.

I know what you’re thinking: duh! But if you’re looking to avoid pregnancy or eliminate your risk of STIs, masturbation is the way to go, says Wendasha Jenkins Hall, PhD, a sex educator and researcher. All the pleasure, none of the risk!

It quells cramps.

Motrin? Pfft. Try masturbating! Orgasming releases the body’s natural pain relievers: dopamine and serotonin.

It improves partnered play.

A solid solo session is crazy-good for your partnered (and multi-parterned, if you’re into that) sex life in all sorts of ways. For one, it may help you get more comfortable in bed. “People who don’t masturbate are more likely to have difficulty reaching orgasm with a partner,” Dr. Millheiser explains. It makes sense: How can we expect a partner to touch us if we don’t know how to touch ourselves??

During a solo session you’ll learn what feels good, explains Megan Fleming, PhD, a psychologist and sex therapist. “Relay that insight to your partner and you’re destined for better partner sex, including orgasms, which promote bonding.”

New to masturbation? Here’s what you should know about your body:

Before you can “rock your body” Justin Timberlake–style, you first have to knowyour body. “It’s essential for women to be able to identify their anatomy,” says Janet Brito, PhD, a licensed psychologist and certified sex therapist in Honolulu.

That’s why she recommends using a combination of diagrams and hands-on learning to suss out what is what…

1. Sit down with a diagram of the female anatomy.

Admit it: The last time you looked at a diagram of the female anatomy was during your seventh grade health class (just me?). Spend some time looking at, and even memorizing it. As you do, be sure to say the anatomical words out loud! In a world that under-values vulva-owners, doing so is an act of power!

2. Bust out a mirror to look at your own.

Unless you’re in Cirque du Soleil, getting a real good look at your vulva and vagina is going to be physically impossible. That’s why Brito recommends beginning your personal investigation the old-fashioned way: with a hand-held mirror. It’s really the best way to see what your vulva **actually** looks like, she says.

3. Find your clit.

The clitoris (a.k.a. your best friend) is where the masturbation magic usually happens. Home to a whopping 15,000 (!) nerve endings, it should come as no surprise that some 37 percent to 73 percent of vulva-owners NEED clitoral stimulation to orgasm, according to research. Depending on your anatomy, finding your clit may be easier said than done, but it’s worth the effort.

4. Locate the other parts, too.

True, odds are high that you’ll need clitoral stimulation to cross the finish line. But that doesn’t mean touching allllll the other parts of your vulva can’t feel good. Brito encourages you to take your time to explore and name all parts of your body to figure out what feels good and what’s just meh. “Touch gently and, with curiosity, label the parts that feel most sensitive, arousing, ticklish, and uncomfortable,” she says.

5. Acknowledge any shame you might be feeling.

“At best, we’re told to never discuss [masturbation] and keep it to the confines of our bedrooms. At worst, we’re taught to avoid it altogether,” Hall explains.

The result of these (lack of) teachings leave some masturbators with a challenge to overcome: Believing that masturbating is wrong, says Fleming. But nothing could be further from the case. “There is absolutely nothing shameful about self-pleasuring, and there’s nothing to feel guilty about after you do it,” she says.

If shame comes up for you, “start by owning that that’s what you’re experiencing,” she says. “Then, tell yourself that those feelings are a result of internalized sex negativity.” If a self pep-talk isn’t enough (it may not be!), she recommends seeing a certified sex therapist. They specialize in replacing what she calls “the wet blanket of shame” with pleasure.

Before you masturbate, set the scene…

You change the sheets, light candles, and cue up your fave sex playlist when you’re about to get it on with another person, so why not put in the same amount of effort when it’s DIY time?

6. Clean your room.

It’s kinda hard to feel sexy if your room’s covered in month-old laundry and yesterday’s takeout containers. So, “start by creating a relaxing, comfortable space in your home, full of privacy and free of interruption,” says Brito.

Plus, she notes, Marie Kondo–ing your space can help clear your mind, giving you more room to focus on identifying what feels pleasurable and, consequently, increasing your chances of having that big O.

7. Lock your door.

This one might seem obvious, but so many people skip it. Locking your door, even if you’re home alone, can clear your brain of any worry of someone barging in. Sometimes, that’s all your mind really needs to get centered.

It’s not that it’s so much about secrecy but about privacy, explains Holly Richmond, PhD, a certified sex therapist and somatic psychologist. “We all deserve privacy. Feeling like you have to keep things secret and hurrying up or hiding typically creates shame.” By locking your door, you can create your own private space and, in turn, feel more comfortable…and confident.

In some cases, though, you might want someone to walk in on you, says Richmond. After all, it’s totally hot. If this is your sexual fantasy, talk it out. Tell your partner: “Hey, I’m a voyeur,” or “the idea of catching you doing this really turns me on. Can we set up a scene in which we make this happen?”

8. Put your phone away.

Masturbation is “me time”—plain and simple. Do your best to pretend the outside world doesn’t exist (buh bye, phone) and tune into what’s going on inside your bod. “A woman who can practice mindfulness is much more likely to reach orgasm sooner,” says Dr. Millheiser. “While masturbating, if you find that your mind is wandering off, recognize that and gently bring it back to focus.”

Using your phone to explore erotic content (more on this below)? Put that thang on Do Not Disturb. Last thing you want is a message from your boss popping up when you’re about to finish…

9. Thank your body.

Everyone has hang-ups that make them feel lesser-than when it comes to their bodies. Let that ish go, especially when you’re masturbating!

Rather than dwelling on parts you’re not totally satisfied with (like, say, your stomach), focus on the sensuality of your curves and how capable your body is of pleasure. Research links having a positive body image with greater sexual satisfaction. So, far from being frivolous, loving your body can help you, ya know, love on your body.

10. Break out your fave lingerie and underwear.

Why save your sexiest underwear for an audience? If the black lace bra you haven’t worn since V-day makes you feel sexy, or that pair of Calvin Klein briefs brings you gender euphoria, put ‘em on! Taking them off can be part of the scene too, as Amy Levine, sex coach and founder of Ignite your Pleasure previously told Women’s Health. As each article comes off, think about what you love most about your body to get all kinds of turned on, she says.

Try alllll the different types of masturbation…
There’s no right or wrong way to touch yourself when you masturbate. But this list of all the different ways to masturbate may give you some new tricks that’ll take your self-made orgasm to the next level. Let’s begin.

11. Touch your non-genital erogenous zones.

Instead of going from zero to vagina, spend time romancing your non-genital erogenous zones. There’s no rush!

“It’s not all about the genitals,” Richmond explains. “The best sex is sensation-based, when we’re in our bodies and not in our heads.” It’s all about enjoying the senses, tastes, sounds, and smells of eroticism, versus just grabbing a toy and mindlessly going at it.

“If you are in the early stages [of masturbating], you want to get to know the areas of your body that make you tick,” adds Dr. Millheiser. And the vulva and vagina aren’t the only areas that can turn you on, she says.

12. Head south.

“Starting with your fingers is the best way to engage in masturbation,” Dr. Millheiser says. Plus, you’ll simulate the feeling of a partner’s fingers around your vagina, which can help you tap into the right mindset. From there, you can build up the sensation in other ways (more on that in a sec).

13. Insert your fingers.

If you’ve just pulled into the self-service station, you might as well try penetrative masturbation—using your fingers, a dildo, or a phallic-shaped vibrator—to see if you like it. If you don’t, NBD, you’re still one step closer to knowing what you *do* like.

14. Explore the backdoor.

“You don’t have to go inside the ass to enjoy its pleasure-potential,” Fleming says. The entrance of the anus has as many nerve endings as the tip of the penis (about 4,000).

When you begin “exploring anal masturbation, start externally and get comfortable and familiar with the sensation,” Carol Queen, PhD, a staff sexologist at previously told Women’s Health. Add a squirt of lube to your finger and simply circle the entrance to start.

15. Combine multiple types of stimulation.

“The whole is greater than the sum of our sexual parts,” says Nan Wise, PhD, a licensed psychotherapist and certified sex therapist. Translation: Combining stimulation from multiple erogenous zones(e.g. clitoris, vagina, cervix, nipple, inner thighs, and anus) can add up to some serious pleasure.

Some pleasure-seekers can actually orgasm from touching their nipples alone. Try putting one hand on your breast and the other inside you. “Give yourself permission to lay down and let your hands wander,” advises Brito.

16. Focus on the task at hand (pun intended).

But “you don’t have to turn off your mind to orgasm,” says Wise. Instead, she suggests “paying attention to sensations”—not unlike how you pay attention to your breath when meditating.

17. Take your time.

Don’t rush it! Take as much time as you need, says Richmond. If you can make it an all-day affair, why not pull a Samantha Jones and make it one?! “Once a week or once every couple of weeks, maybe go into a self-pleasure session without orgasm having to be on the menu,” Richmond suggests. Doing so can help you really explore your body instead of just rubbing one out real quick.

18. Play around with positions.

You switch positions in sex, so why not when you masturbate too? “There is no one position that works for everyone. You have to experiment and find what’s right for you,” Dr. Millheiser says.

Some people like to rub their clit against the bed, while others like to lay on their backs. Some like to keep their knees bent; others like to splay their legs out straight, and others still like to lift their legs into a V-shape. It doesn’t matter what your personal taste is—but you won’t know until you move around.

19. Focus on pleasure, not orgasm.

Wise says the most important part of masturbation is simply to “savor the sensation” and not set out with the intention of orgasm. “Being in the experience is key,” she says.

Sorta like with actual sex and relationships, it’s best not to go into masturbating with any expectations—even achieving orgasm—because that can make you feel anxious, says Brito.

Still, if you find yourself freaking out because nothing’s “happening,” especially during your first me-sesh, that’s totally normal and completely okay. Remember that you’re experimenting in the name of being sexually healthy and don’t need to impress anyone.

Your only job is to “focus on discovering what feels the most pleasurable to you,” she says. Take your time, and just feel it out. Literally.

Add in some erotic aids…

“We have sooo many different types of erotica available,” says Fleming. “Why not explore what works for you?”

20. Use your imagination.

Your brain = the best erotic aid! “Everyone has different fantasies,” Dr. Millheiser says. And no fantasy is too bland or too wild! Maybe your fantasy is to make love to your sweetie the way you did on your honeymoon. Maybe your fantasy features you and a young Ewan McGregor from Moulin Rouge…(Just me? Okay). Maybe you’re taking a page from Rihanna’s playbook and envisioning whips and chains.

“Fantasizing is a time to discover what turns you on—and not judge it,” explains Brito. Just let your imagination run wild and see where it takes you.

For the record: It’s totally normal to fantasize about genders you’re not attracted to IRL. Some straight women fantasize about being with another woman or a girl-on-girl sexual scene, Dr. Millheiser says. (That’s shouldn’t be too surprising considering many straight women get off to lesbian porn.) And some lesbians masturbate while thinking about a man—that’s normal too. “No matter what your fantasy is, you don’t have to question your sexuality,” Dr. Millheiser says.

21. Watch some ethical porn.

If your imagination just isn’t cutting it (no worries), there’s no reason not to break out the big guns: porn. Rather than going for the free (and TBH, usually misogynistic) stuff, invest in some ethical porn. Another option is to re-watch the scene in a sexy movie over and over again. Heck, if you have an old video of you and your partner stashed somewhere safe on your phone, go ahead and enjoy that!

22. Listen to audio erotica.

Not a visual learner? Thanks to audio erotica, you can listen to a tale that’ll get you all hot and bothered and let your mind do the rest of the work. “There’s an app called Dipsea filled with tons of sexy audio stories to get you going,” Richmond says. “[Some people] like the story around it, they like being able to create their own visuals.”

23. Curl up with page porn.

Erotica, page porn, R-rated books. Whatever you name them, naughty texts are a great way to explore what turns you on. And by the way, the genre doesn’t start and stop with Fifty Shades, #bless. Here are 25 other erotica novels to get your hands on right now.

Bring in some of the best sex toys for masturbating…
Whether you have arthritis (damn you, computer keys) or wanna switch things up, a sex toy can really take your self-pleasure game to another level.

24. Lube it up.

Lubrication is a pretty important part of masturbating because “it makes stimulating your genitals much more comfortable,” says Dr. Millheiser. (Preach.) And that stands whether it’s store-bought or body-made!

Bottle lube especially comes in handy for masturbators on birth control pills, which can cause vaginal dryness, Dr. Millheiser says. It’s also a great addition to anyone who’s dehydrated— because being dehydrated affects natural lubrication levels.

If dryness is a legit issue for you, and you’re not using a silicone sex toy, try silicone-based lubes, which last longer and reduce friction, Dr. Millheiser says. But if you’re just looking for a little extra wetness for more fun—or have a silicone vibe—stick to a water-based formula. (It won’t break down your buzzing friend.)

25. Play with a vibrator.

The modern vibe is pretty much the best thing since sliced bread (better, even). These days, most vibrators are specifically made to give you that clitoral stimulation you crave. From bullet vibrators to magic wands (that, yes, live up to the name), there are a ton of options out there for you to try. Treat yourself!

26. Try an oral-sex simulator.

Toys are fun—especially ones that bring a different kind of pleasure to the party. There’s such a thing as oral-sex simulators, and they’re, well, AH-mazing.

First, consider , which Dr. Millheiser recommends to clients and friends all. the. time. “It’s a suction cup that uses an oscillating pressure,” she explains. “It’s almost as if it doesn’t allow you to hold yourself back. It gently pulls an orgasm out of you.” (Sounds kinda nice, doesn’t it?)

Then, there’s the Lelo Sona Cruise 2, which also mimics cunnilingus but has an extra-cool feature where the suction gets more intense when you press the vibe harder into your skin. 10/10 recommend.

27. Try another kind of sex toy.

From nipple clamps to nipple pumps, non-vibrating wands to electricity sticks, C-rings to genital sleeves, there are more types of sex toys than there are masturbation tips.

Hall specifically recommends a stainless steel or glass toy. You can place it “in the fridge or warm water before a session, then use it on sensitive areas like the breasts or thighs to provoke sensually intense reactions,” she says. Hot! (Or should I say, cold??)

28. Move your body *while* playing with these toys.

As tempting as it may be to make your toy do all the heavy lifting, try to get your body into it. Rock your hips to the rhythm of the vibration, or move your pelvis in a circular, figure 8-style motion. Doing so will help you stay present and maximize all the sensations you’re feeling. You might even happen upon some erogenous you didn’t know would get you going, says Richmond.

Other ways to change up your solo sex…
Just because you’re alone doesn’t mean masturbation should be boring. To avoid falling into that trap, try something new.

29. Change where you get down.

Always getting busy while watching Netflix in the living room? Head to your office chair. Usually in bed? Move it to a chair, or the car if you’re feeling especially adventurous, Hall suggests.

30. Take your solo-sex session into the shower.

This location deserves its very own tip because you can treat it like you would a sex toy. A hand-held showerhead might just become your new BFF. According to Dr. Millheiser, many women reach orgasm by pointing the stream of water onto their clitoris. “It’s like a quick and easy vibrator—that pulsating sensation on the most sensitive area on the human body,” she says. (Not to mention, it’s nice and warm.)

31. Try edging

Getting yourself to orgasm during solo play doesn’t mean you always have to go full throttle. ICYDK, there’s a technique known as “edging,” which basically involves masturbating to build up sexual tension in your erogenous zones, then backing off just before you’re about to climax.

“Edging can make orgasm feel much more powerful, intense, and enjoyable,” as Vanessa Marin, a licensed psychotherapist and sex specialist, previously told Women’s Health. And Wise says it’s a solid way to draw out the pleasure before the grand finale, especially if this isn’t your first bedroom rodeo.

32. Make it a show.

“Masturbation doesn’t have to be a solo activity. Masturbating in front of your partner or engaging in mutual masturbation can heighten desire and serve as an opportunity to explore each other’s bodies,” Hall says. This way, you can show your partner exactly what gets you going. Keep an eye on where their hands roam on their own bodies to do a little learning yourself.

This is also a biggie for couples in long-distance relationships. “They can hop on a video call and put on a sexy show for each other,” says Hall. You can bet it’ll make the reunion so. much. hotter.

Meta Minds strives for relentless self development & consciousness optimization. We aim to share how to manage your ego, find your authentic voice, and discover your values and passions. All of this while staying grounded and true to yourself.

You might be thinking: What’s sexy about a day that claims to honor workers at a time when some feel underpaid and undervalued. If that’s how you feel, and you want take out your frustration, here’s an answer: Sex.

There are all kinds of reasons to hail or hate on Labor Day, but you might as well be orgasming while you’re doing it. To help you close out the summer with a bang, we enlisted the help of Dr. Holly Richmond, PhD, a somatic psychologist and certified sex therapist (CST). Enjoy.

Take the labor out of sex

This holiday is all about taking a break from labor. Kick off the day with positions that don’t involve a lot of work. Richmond recommends the side-lying spoon, during which your partner enters you from behind with their penis or strap-on while spooning you (you might ask for extra clitoral stimulation during this time!). Or, for a truly beachy vibe, you could try the starfish, which is basically missionary, where you lie on your back and relax with your limbs spread.

Do it outside

Richmond says there’s something about a public trust that turns people on — when they can get away with it. She recommends doing it outdoors since the weather’s still beautiful. If you’re traveling, try it on the balcony of your hotel or the porch of your Airbnb. If you want to do it on the beach, just remember to bring a blanket so you don’t get sand in places.

You could also try a pool, hot tub, or the ocean. But Richmond warns that it can be tricky for women to stay naturally lubricated in the water, so you may want to bring along a silicone-based lube.
And don’t forget the golden rule of public sex: “Just don’t do it where you’re gonna get caught, because it’s illegal,” Richmond warns.

Channel sexy seasonal vibes

“Figure out for yourself what’s sexy about summer for you,” Richomond says. Whether that’s your favorite sundress, an ice cold beer, a coconut flavored lotion, or a rosé cocktail, get it in while you still can. Make it part of a date. “Whether you enjoy summer tacos or peach cobbler together, it’s not just about sex,” Richmond says. “It’s about cultivating everything that’s sexy about summer.”

And then, again, get it in while you can.

Hate summer? Bring sweater season into the bedroom early

Maybe you hate the sweating, melting, and chafing that plague you during June, July and August. In that case, use this weekend as an excuse to leave those uncomfortable, sweltering days behind you.
Turn up the air conditioning, light a pumpkin spice candle, and put on nothing but a sweater. Invite your partner to join you as you welcome the wonderland that is fall. “Get a sweater with a fuzzy fabric,” Richmond says. “There’s nothing sexier than wearing a sweater with no bra and a pair of panties.”

Try a cooling lube

While the weather is still warm enough, try a cooling lube, such as Kama Sutra Intensifying Cooling Gel, which might make you feel like your vagina just had a breath mint. If you’re feeling creative and picnics turn you on, you could also try a watermelon flavored lube.

Popsicle play

Since the weather will ostensibly still be warm enough to melt a popsicle on your partner, give it a shot. But do not put the popsicle inside of you, because the added sugar flavoring could lead to an infection, which would not be a very sweet way to spend the weekend.

Glow up

If you’re a “summer rave” kind of person, incorporate any glow sticks left over from the 4th of July into a sex session. Turn off all the lights (and maybe play a Kygo song?) and pulse to the music.
You’ll come back to work on Tuesday with a glow only you and your partner can explain.

On the bright side, having to reinvent yourself in the sack is an excuse to learn some new tricks. One in particular, the Kivin Method, has been getting lots of praise from the ladies these days. If going down on your woman feels great to her, but never quite pushes her over the edge, this is an oral sex technique you’ll want to try. Here’s an expert’s take on what it is, why it works and how to do it tonight.

What Is the Kivin Method?

In the age of ghosting, benching, orbiting and whatever other dating trend is making the rounds these days, people are always eager to give a name to their romantic experiences — and sex is no different. While there’s no clear answer as to how the Kivin Method got its name, it’s a style of oral that psychologist and certified sex therapist Dr. Holly Richmond has been recommending to her clients for quite some time.

Richmond was thrilled to see the position’s popularity boost, especially since naming it makes it easier to ask for.

“I love the Kivin Method because it gives it a language for women to talk about it with their partners,” she says. “It’s a great position for receiving pleasure — for the clients I recommend this to, many have very positive feedback.”

Though there are not many statistics on this method specifically, in Richmond’s experience, more women say they experience pleasure through the Kivin Method than traditional oral. It also happens to be an effective method to help close the dreaded orgasm gap.

“Female orgasms aren’t about direct penetration,” she explains. “They’re more about clitoral stimulation, and that’s exactly what the Kivin Method does. It’s side lying oral with a clitoral focus. The woman is laying on her back, the man is perpendicular making an L shape. From there, she can either hold her leg up, or pull her leg up to her chest if that’s doable. He’s lying to her right or left, and has access to her clitoris sideways.”

And if her leg gets tired? “If she needs to lay that leg down, he can lean over her leg so he’s not actually putting pressure on it,” she adds. “If it feels good, the woman can pull up her clitoral hood for even more access.”

Why Does the Kivin Method Feel So Good?

So what is about this oral sex technique that has all the women curling their toes? It seems the Kivin Method hits all those spots that aren’t getting the attention they deserve.

“Because the position of the man’s mouth on the woman’s vulva and clitoris is not directly straight-on, it’s giving access to part of the female anatomy that can be overlooked, like the labia majora and labia minora,” says Richmond. “For most women, one side or the other is more sensitive.”

The discovery process involved in executing the Kivin Method can make the experience even more pleasurable.

“Because the Kivin Method is so specific in its positional orientation, it also encourages us to speak up – whether it’s asking do more of that on my left side, or to go a little slower there with a little less pressure,” she adds. Trying something new means you’re both learning as you go, taking the pressure off both partners as you figure out what feels best.

Tips for First Timers Using the Kivin Method

Here’s a pro tip: Don’t just go to town on her after reading this article, gents. Instead, casually bring it up before you both hit the sheets for the best experience. “Ask your partner, would you be down for this? Does this sound interesting?” says Richmond

The communication piece of this is more important than hitting some magic spot, so make sure you’re checking in with your partner throughout to see what feels good. “Every vulva is different, every clitoris is different, every woman is different,” she notes. “If licking feels great, fantastic. If sucking feels great, fantastic. But it’s just about using our voices to feel more sexually empowered.”

Also, there’s a chance your partner might not like this – which, by the way, has nothing to do with you.

“With these techniques and tricks, it’s really to each their own,” adds Richmond. “It might not necessarily be that you’re doing it wrong, it might be that your partner just doesn’t like it … and that’s absolutely fine. Ask her what she does like!”

“The hand job definitely doesn’t happen enough in adult bedrooms,” says Vanessa Marin, a licensed sex therapist in Los Angeles. “It’s a huge shame because a hand job is a great way to bring pleasure to your partner.”

The reasons are two-fold: One, he gets the opportunity to watch his sexy partner (you) take the reins on something he typically does himself. And two, when you do something that you don’t engage in often, the act becomes infinitely hotter. Simply because it’s novel.

“Our brains crave newness,” Marin says—even for something that’s totally old-school.

While you’re revamping your sex life, you may as well know how it stacks up with others’:

So here’s how to give a good hand job, in case you (a) forgot, or (b) skipped that step on your way to be becoming a full-blown sex goddess…

1. Start with a conversation about hand jobs.

Good sex starts with knowing what you and your partner want—and being able to talk about it. The hand job, despite its “basic” nature, is no exception.

“The easiest way to find out what works for him is to ask him how he likes to touch himself,” says Holly Richmond, PhD, a certified sex therapist and licensed marriage therapist with practices in L.A., New Jersey, and Portland, Oregon. “Have him show you what he does when he’s on his own, and really watch.”

Not only will you get a general idea of the speed and motion he uses, you’ll also likely be turned on.

“For many women [and men], watching their partner masturbate is a huge turn-on,” Richmond adds. And getting in the mood to give a good handy is half the battle (amirite?).

2. Take note of what you’re working with.

Every man and every penis is different (obvs), but for hand-job purposes, you can divide them into two camps: circumcised and uncircumcised.

Circumcised penises (a.k.a. ones that have had the foreskin removed) are used to being touched at the tip, so you may want to spend extra time on that area, Richmond says.

Uncircumcised penises, however, can be extremely sensitive around the hood (because they’re not usually exposed). So with this type, you definitely want to see how aggressively he tugs on himself before you jump in. He may not pull the foreskin down much, so take note.

3. Use lube—always—for a good hand job.

If you haven’t figured out by now that lube makes everything better, maybe you will now.

“When you’re using your hands instead of your mouth or vagina, which are wet in nature, you need lubricant to minimize friction from skin-to-skin contact,” Marin explains. “The hand job will become much, much smoother and easier for you and much more enjoyable for him.”Of course, you don’t have to be a total traditionalist with your hand job. “There’s no reason you can’t use a little bit of spit to add moisture,” adds Richmond. Just know that whereas spit dries/evaporates quickly, a good lube won’t.

4. Don’t be afraid of pressure.

“A big ‘issue’ that comes up from men is that women are too delicate with the penis,” Marin says. It’s not really your fault: “Since the clitoris is really sensitive, we tend to approach the penis with more sensitivity than necessary. You can be a lot firmer than you think.”

Of course, you don’t want to squeeze your guy so hard that his eggplant actually turns purple. So a good way to tell? “When your partner is hard, wrap your hand around his penis and gradually increase the pressure. As you do so, have him tell you when it’s too much,” suggests Marin.

You’ll very likely be surprised by how much pressure he actually wants.

5. Mix up your hand technique.

Chances are, your guy is used to getting himself off with a pretty straightforward up-and-down motion. (I mean, he’s been doing this since, what, age 11? He’s got it down pat.)

So when you’re giving him a hand job, simple is better. “A lot of women get overly complicated with technique,” Marin says, “which can be a little too much for him.”

“A lot of women get overly complicated with technique, which can be a little too much for him.”

Her advice: Switch things up a bit every minute-ish. That doesn’t mean stop what you’re doing and restart with an entirely different type of touch, but “make a slight tweak, like using a little more pressure or going a little slower or faster,” she says.

Have two or three different techniques that you can alternate, and gradually transition between them.

For example, try cupping your whole hand around the base of his penis and doing a slight twisting motion (again, with lube!) as you move his shaft up and down. Then switch to sliding just your thumb and pointer finger (imagine the “okay” hand signal) up and down his penis, faster.

6. Use both hands.

Speaking of technique, one way to make him finish fast (that is sorta the goal when your arms get tired, right?) is to bring both hands to the penis party.

“He’s most likely used to just using one main hand when he masturbates, so if you use two, you’re adding excitement and stimulation right off the bat,” Richmond notes.

Plus, using two hands shows you’re really, uh, invested in giving a good performance. “He will be much more into the hand job if he can easily tell that you are, too,” says Marin. (True words.)

7. Experiment with different areas.

By this, I mean (mostly) his balls.

“Don’t leave the balls out of it, unless you know he’s not into ball play,” Marin says. Balls are usually pretty simple: “Either cradle them softly in one hand, rub your fingers around them, or lightly stroke the area in between the two testicles, which is super-sensitive.”

You could also try spreading your hand so that you grasp his balls between your fingers (do. not. squeeze.) or grazing a finger from the top of his ballsack down, she adds.

And don’t stop there: “The area between his penis and anus, the perineum, has tons of nerve endings, so you can touch there, too,” Richmond says. He could also like a little butt action—but always ask first. Never ass-ume (heh).

For circumcised penises, stroking the area where his head meets his shaft, as well as the very tip, can be extremely stimulating for him, as well. Again, focus your attention where he does himself and you’re good.

8. Pay attention to his cues.

When one (or both) of you is naked, verbalizing when something doesn’t feel good can be awkward, if not downright awful. But communicating about what you don’t like is super important—especially in the case of a hand job, when you could actually cause him some pain.

Ideally, your partner will tell you when he’s uncomfortable or just not into something, but either way, “pay attention to his body language, which will tell you everything about how it feels,” says Richmond. That includes his facial expressions, (happy) moans, pace of breath, and—the obvious—strength of his erection.

“It’s perfectly possible to use a hand job as the main sex event rather than just foreplay.”

In case you were wondering, “it’s perfectly possible to use a hand job as the main sex event rather than just foreplay,” Richmond continues. “We all want to be touched—it creates an opportunity for a whole new level of intimacy.”

So there you have it, folks: A good hand job is finally in your, ahem, hands…and hopefully will be for the rest of your adult life.

When’s the last time you gave a hand job?

First, it’s important to note where tantric sex comes from. “’Tantra’ is [from] an old Sanskrit language, [and tantric sex is] a very ancient way of being together. Tantra means ‘the weave,’” sex therapist Holly Richmond, PhD, tells Health.

She says her patients view tantric sex as “something almost mystical,” but her definition is a little clearer. “It’s not sex for just sexuality purposes or physiological release—but pleasure and sensuality and being together and taking time [to have sex],” Richmond explains.

All sex is about pleasure, sure, but tantric sex places an emphasis on focusing on pleasure while you’re having sex. Think: mindfulness during sex. You probably already know how beneficial mindfulness is in your everyday life can be, but you might not have thought about how beneficial it can be in bed. Here are five surprising ways tantric sex will shake things up between the sheets.

It takes the performance element out of sex

“Tantra is kind of like the anti-porn,” Richmond believes. While porn isn’t necessarily bad, it can make a person feel like whatever is happening on screen is the sexual norm. This puts the focus of sex off of pleasure and makes it more of a presentation. “Porn is performance-based, [but tantric sex] is all about helping people slow down and get out of this performance mindset,” she explains.

This means not obsessing over what your body is “supposed” to look like and getting into a deeper headspace of thinking and feeling. How can you and your partner achieve this shift? “Start with eye gazing. Sit together so you’re facing each other, holding hands, and gaze into each other’s eyes,” Richmond advises. This moves the focus away from anxious, desire-killing thoughts like, “Am I going to stay hard?” or “What does my cellulite look like?”

It allows you to communicate exactly what you like

As many mindfulness practices do, tantric sex requires concentrating on exactly what you’re experiencing in the moment. Richmond says that you and your partner should focus intensely on exactly what feels good while you’re touching, then letting each other know what strokes you want more of.

“Be as specific as possible,” Richmond advises. For example, you could say, “I love it when you touch me here,” she suggests. You could also note that you don’t like being touched in a certain area. “Focusing on touch—what does his hand on your stomach feel like?” Richmond says. “Get out of your head and into your body—that’s what tantra’s all about.”

Connection is one of the pillars of tantric sex

If you’re looking for ways to bond with your partner more deeply, tantric sex is for you. While fast, carnal quickies are fun, tantra is about getting into positions that require physical closeness and eye contact, so you connect on a more soulful level. “For better connection I almost always recommend positions where you’re facing each other,” Richmond says.

Tantric sex also encourages couples to devote a lot of time to getting it on. “This idea of a deeper connection that’s not just about getting off—it’s about longer sessions,” Richmond explains. As a guideline, she says the minimum amount of time tantric sex lasts is about 15 minutes. The maximum? Some of her clients have reported having tantric sex for “hours and hours.”

Considering the average regular sex session clocks in at seven minutes, this is a drastic increase in time spent having sex with your partner. Think of it as an investment that pays off with a deeper relationship and more intense pleasure.

You get to redefine what sex is

Practicing tantric sex means throwing expectations of sex out the window. “Redefine what sex is. Sex is absolutely not just penetration,” Richmond explains. Before you have tantric sex, don’t focus on what you think you and your partner should be doing in bed. Instead think: “What do you want it to be for you today? Do you want penetration? Do you want to masturbate together?”

Richmond says that often couples simply go through the motions when they’re having sex without stopping to think about what they want to do. Taking the time to figure that out is one benefit that will make your relationship more honest and open.

It can lead to better orgasms

If you’re not already convinced you should give it a try, this might convince you: more and better Os.

It’s not surprising that sex designed to intensify your connection with your partner and help you focus on what feels good might lead to a better finale. Richmond says her patients have confirmed this, telling her their orgasms are more intense during tantric sex. “The orgasms are better, especially if they’re looking into each other’s eyes,” she says.

It goes without saying, though, that breakup sex can be messy. If one partner was just dumped, for example, they could be hoping that sex will make their ex rethink the breakup. But Holly Richmond, a certified sex therapist in New York City, says breakup sex won’t save the relationship, and if it does, it’ll likely only last a few weeks.

So why do we have a burning desire to have breakup sex, and is it ever a good idea? We asked sex therapists for the facts.

Why do we want to have breakup sex?

Breakup sex means something different for everyone. “Having sex one last time can be about celebrating everything that was good in the relationship,” Richmond says. “Relationships usually end for emotional reasons, not sexual ones, so it’s like that last connection to something that was really amazing for the period of time that you were together.”

If both people understand why they can’t be together and are comfortable with the breakup (say, for example, they’re moving to different cities or one wants to have kids and the other doesn’t), sex can be purely about connecting one last time, Richmond says. “It’s like saying, ‘This just isn’t going to work, but I really do love you.’”

On the other hand, if one person doesn’t want the relationship to end, “they might want to have sex as a way to say, ‘Look how great this is. Are you sure you want to leave this?’” Richmond says. It’s probably no surprise that this is when things can get messy…

How does breakup sex affect us emotionally?

If one person is still holding onto a relationship while the other is ready to say so long, having breakup sex can actually prolong the emotional rollercoaster for the partner who hasn’t yet moved on, Richmond says. “The question becomes, ‘Am I wanted? Am I not?’”

Sure, sex might make you feel good temporarily, but when you put your clothes back on and go your separate ways, you’ll probably be more confused than you were before. There’s also a chance you could feel ashamed or even used by your ex, adding onto to the pain. “You might feel good in the moment, but oftentimes, that feeling doesn’t last,” Rachel Needle, PsyD, co-director of Modern Sex Therapy Institutes in Palm Beach, Florida, tells Health.

Is breakup sex ever a good idea?

For breakups that end in a completely mutual understanding, having sex can be a “beautiful, connected ending,” Richmond says. She explains that in cases where both partners are truly resolved (we know, it sounds too good to be true, but it really does happen!), breakup sex can be a good idea.

The “I want to get you back” kind of sex, however, is not a good idea. Accepting a breakup takes time, and trying to ease the pain with sex will only prolong the process, Richmond says. Breakup sex unfortunately isn’t going to give you the closure you’re craving. Closure comes from putting the relationship behind you and prioritizing yourself. Don’t get us wrong, it’s not easy, but holding onto something that isn’t there will only hold you back.

Take it from Good Morning Britain host Kate Garraway, who revealed that she schedules her sex sessions with the help of a spreadsheet. According to sex experts, she’s onto something.

In her 2017 book, The Joy of Big Knickers, Garraway shared how she and her husband went on a 14-day sex challenge that had them penciling sex into their schedule every single day for two weeks.

“When you’ve been in a relationship for a long time, the physical side of things can be very unspontaneous,” Garraway told The Sun. “So the idea is to schedule sex and force yourself to do it once a day and make it the focus of your diary.”

Okay, but does planned sex actually spice things up in the bedroom? Holly Richmond, PhD, a sex therapist in New York City, explained to Health that it really can make the action better and more adventurous.

“I prescribe this all the time to my couples,” says Richmond. “If a couple comes in to me and tells me they’re not having as much sex as they want, I tell them that the best way to get back on the horse is absolutely to schedule sex. And I know this doesn’t sound romantic, but what it’s about is building those habits and routines, and having sexuality be the norm.”

Richmond tells her clients that penciling in sex is a great short-term solution. But instead of 14 days straight, she says she typically advises couples to start with a more realistic goal of having sex three to four days a week.

Don’t think you can swing a sex session that often? Richmond says quickies are great, too—as long as you’re still managing one day a week to devote to least one hour of lovemaking.

“Fourteen days of sex can be a great challenge, but the main purpose of scheduling sex is to cultivate partnership and create a time they can look forward to,” says Richmond. “I recommend doing it at different times of the day so it doesn’t feel like a chore, but rather to recreate novelty.”

Richmond says that the idea of creating a “challenge” can add to the fun and help mix things up for couples who may still have enough sex yet really want to try something new.

With all this in mind, break out your daily planner—at the very least, scheduling sex is worth a go.