– Blake Bakkila

A lot of “I love you’s” were exchanged on last night’s episode of The Bachelor. But was there a lot of love? This week featured the highly anticipated Fantasy Suites, where Arie Luyendyk Jr. took the three remaining contestants on overnight dates for more “alone time.” If you haven’t seen the episode yet, take this as a formal warning that there are spoilers ahead.

By his third date, Luyendyk had broken the No. 1 rule: He told two women he was in love with them. Not crushing, not falling (though that is what he told Kendall Long), but in love. Long was sent home, and now Becca Kufrin and Lauren Burnham are the final two. They both think they’ve found the love of their lives. Needless to say, Bachelor Nation was reeling.

But what’s Arie thinking? We needed to know how (and if) it’s possible for a person to fall in love with two (or three) women at the same time. Thankfully, two relationship experts provided insight.

“Technically, yes, you can fall in love with more than one person,” Marissa Nelson, a marriage and family therapist, tells Health. “But to be in love with multiple people simultaneously—that’s a different story.”

Nelson says Luyendyk is in what she calls the “infatuation” stage of romance, when everything is new and exciting (a word this bachelor can’t seem to get enough of). “At the start of the infatuation phase, it is a chemically driven connection,” she says. “The brain is producing large amounts of hormones, like pleasure-inducing dopamine and testosterone.”

Sex therapist Holly Richmond, PhD, shares similar sentiments. “Polyamory is based romantically and erotically on loving more than one person at a time, and it’s absolutely possible,” Richmond says. “I’d say that Arie is experiencing either deep affection or lust for the three women, or both of those feelings simultaneously. It’s amazing how lust can be interpreted as love.”

By the three-month mark, Nelson says couples transition to the “attachment” phase, and they start feeling a sense of companionship that goes beyond physical attraction. Nelson says this is when couples begin to fall in love and exchange sincere “I love you’s.” That’s vastly different than the nine weeks it took Arie to say them.

“For most people, love is more about a deep knowing, feeling safe and understood, and having secure attachment,” Richmond says. “There is no way Arie has created secure attachment with any of the women at this point—he just hasn’t had enough time! I admire his enthusiasm, though.”

As we prepare for the two-night finale next week, we can only guess which woman Luyendyk gets down on one knee for—and if they can move into a loving (and enduring) attachment phase.

So if you’re in a relationship or you’re having a threesome with people that you know, you’ll want to think things over first and communicate any anxieties you might have.

For instance, though the thought of a threesome is exciting — and it definitely can be a fun addition and experience for a couple — it can also conjure up feelings, whether they be of jealousy, intimacy toward the “third” partner, or just plain awkwardness if it didn’t go as planned.

So you’ll want to plan accordingly and be on the same page. Here are a few steps to take.

Pick Your Magical Match, Together

Who might that lucky person be? Either way, make sure both you and your partner are OK with the chosen one. Surprisingly, this is a lot trickier than it sounds, and many couples realize they are not on the same page.

“Do you and your partner want to include a trusted friend, a casual acquaintance, someone you randomly meet somewhere like a bar or the gym, or have the anonymity of a stranger you contact online? Often, this decision is based on what comes after the threesome and whether the couple wants a one-and-done evening or a long-term relationship with the third person,” says Tino Dietrich, sex expert and CEO and founder of Ella Paradis.

Know Its Purpose and Rulebook

Why are you having a threesome, exactly? Define the purpose so you’re both aware of how it’ll affect the relationship.

“Is it about novelty, adventure, a deeper sense of connection to your partner, a same-sex experience, or all the above? It is absolutely necessary to talk about expectations if they are going to be met. Having a threesome without prior discussion often results in hurt feelings or arguments,” says Dr. Holly Richmond, somatic psychologist, certified sex therapist (CST), and licensed marriage and family therapist (LMFT).

As for rules? They surely apply here. It isn’t as simple as “the three of us will just hook up.”

Things you need to discuss: “penis-vagina intercourse, oral sex, anal sex, kissing, and anything else that may be on the table,” says Richmond, as well as who can take part in these activities with whom. For instance, she adds, “Some couples start slowly and keep the sexual acts that are most special to them reserved just for each other. And some don’t, and everything is game.”

Other important rules to consider: what happens afterwards. Will you stay in touch? Is it OK for one partner to communicate with the third person without the other person knowing about it? Can two of the three people get together without the third? Discuss these things first to save yourself from arguments later.

How to Be Safe

Enter: condoms, please. And maybe you should request that your third person get an STD test, too. Safety is a top priority. A tip? Make grabbing condoms easier (however many you’ll end up needing here) by keeping a condom box by the bed, say sex experts at Unbound. Try this one: Condom Box ($16).

“Every couple has their own preference about this. If they are having a threesome with someone they know and have been in open conversation with, they may ask for testing — all three people would share their test results. Or, for couples who are more spontaneous, condoms may be enough assurance. I’ve seen many couples have vastly different needs around protecting themselves and the relationship, so again, it needs to be part of a discussion prior to the threesome,” says Richmond.

How Kinky Do You Want to Get?

It’s important to explore each person’s preferences for toys and kinks prior to a threesome. Some people assume their favorite toy — or bondage gear — is fine, but it may not be. And if you need a vibrator to orgasm, share that with the new person so he or she knows what to expect.

A few ways to spice things up with bondage: Silk Bondage Rope ($14), Doc Johnson’s Platinum Cuffs ($25), or 50 Positions of Bondage ($6).

What’s more, if toys are OK, is sharing them OK? Maybe personal ones are better, says Richmond.

“Or maybe your boyfriend has a strong foot fetish. He probably won’t be able to keep that under wraps during a new, exciting experience, so it’s always best to disclose if he’s comfortable sharing that information. The idea here is the fewer surprises, the better,” Richmond adds.

A few fun ways to get kinkier: the iVibe Select iWand Body Wand ($162), 50 Shades Darker Principles of Lust Romance Couples Kit ($46), and the We-Vibe Sync Couples Toy ($200).

Be Self-Aware

And, lastly, know yourself. If you’re the jealous type, would a threesome work for you?

“Often, it’s hard to know until you’ve done it, and in some cases by then it’s too late and your jealousy is raging. Most of the time a couple can recover, but I have seen some instances where it ended the relationship — that is the absolute opposite outcome you should be striving for by spicing up your sex life with a threesome,” says Richmond.

A tip? If you have been jealous in the past or have enough self-awareness to recognize you are often jealous now, a threesome may not be the best for your ego or relationship.

While it might feel like a splash of cold water on your relationship, it doesn’t have to be. Before you freak out, we’ve asked experts for their take on how to approach this without making him feel crappy about his sexual interests or getting yourself into something you’re not ready for.

Here’s what they say:

Talk It Out

First off, breaking up should not be your go-to response, says Holly Richmond, Ph.D., a certified sex therapist and marriage and family counselor. Instead, chat with your partner to figure out if this is a fantasy or something he actually wants to try IRL. If it’s the latter, ask him what his expectations for the romp would be. What would the perfect threesome be like for him? How often would it happen? Encourage him to share as much detail as possible, says Richmond. (Add something extra to your sex life with the JimmyJane Form 6 vibe from the Women’s Health Boutique.)

After hearing what he has to say, decide whether a threesome is something you really want to try. If not, go to your partner and tell him you’re not comfortable with trying this in real life. Then ask him if he’s okay with keeping this scenario as only a fantasy. If he’s adamant about trying it, tell him that he needs to decide if this is something he’d risk losing this relationship over, says Richmond.

Make Sure He Knows Your Boundaries

If one of you is kinkier than the other, it’s not always a bad thing for your relationship. It can actually be a great way for those who are typically more vanilla (no shame!) to experiment, says sex therapist Kat Van Kirk, Ph.D., resident sex expert for AdamandEve.com. Plus, trying new things can also help you feel closer to your partner, she says.

However, it’s important that he’s aware that there are behaviors you’re just not open to doing—and that’s totally fine. “Your kinky partner should have enough sensitivity to work with you while honoring your boundaries,” says Van Kirk. If he’s not cool with that, you might want to assess whether this is someone you want to be with.

Negotiate Other Ways To Spice Up Sex

Based on your fantasies and interests, have a discussion about what you might be open to. For example, maybe you would be willing to try a threesome if it’s with an anonymous third party in a location other than your hometown. Hash out what you’re comfortable with—and go with that, says Van Kirk. If a three-way is totally out of the question, find some common ground by talking to your partner about the fantasies you’d be interested in trying. For example, maybe you’d like to try some Fifty-Shades style bondage or watch porn while getting down together. Just because you’re not into sex with a third person, that still leaves a lot of fun to be had.

By Aly Walansky