With rapid expansion and a growing movement, Dame is setting a new standard in sexual wellness through new acquisitions, bold campaigns, and education

Whether in health class or over martinis at the bar, you’ve probably heard some variation of this sentiment: men reach their sexual prime in their 20s, while women peak later in life.

Though this may sound like nothing more than an old wives’ tale, according to sex therapists, doctors, and researchers, it’s true. Men typically reach their so-called sexual peak in their early 20s, but women tend to reach the height of their sexuality in their 30s and levels of desire can continue to rise into their 50s, according to research.

A person’s ‘sexual peak’ is often associated with the time their libido is the highest, and hormones, particularly testosterone and oestrogen, play an undeniable role in this surge. But so does the quality of the sex people are having. With that in mind, women’s sexual slow burn makes sense, both biologically and psychologically, says Holly Richmond, PhD, LMFT, a somatic psychologist, AASECT-certified sex therapist based in Florida, and associate director of Modern Sex Therapy Institutes.

So, you’ve just finished having the kind of mind-blowing, breathtaking sex that makes you feel super connected with your partner. But after you’ve both cleaned up, your partner immediately starts snoring, leaving you feeling a little… let down. This is because there’s one key part of sex you’re ignoring: aftercare.

Making sure all partners’ needs are met before and during sex is an essential skill to have, but what happens afterward is just as important. “Sexual aftercare is a transitional period after a sexual experience has come to end,” says Kate Balestrieri, PsyD, a licensed psychologist, certified sex therapist, and founder of Modern Intimacy. “It helps partners nurture each other, take care of each other, and transition from being sexual humans to going back into their everyday lives.”

This part of sex typically involves focusing on your emotional response to sex and making sure both partners feel valued, says Holly Richmond, PhD, a certified sex therapist and author of Reclaiming Pleasure: A Sex-Positive Guide for Moving Past Sexual Trauma and Living a Passionate Life. It’s particularly important after roleplay or BDSM, but it’s a crucial part of any kind of sex, too.

What aftercare looks like, though, can vary greatly from person to person, according to Balestrieri. “Some people may need a lot of attention after a sexual act to feel a deep connection, and some people may really want some time alone,” says Richmond. These needs don’t just change from person to person, though: They can also change based on the type of relationship you’re in, or even the kind of sexual experience you just shared.

Ahead, sex therapists explain how to make aftercare a meaningful part of your sex life, and offer expert advice on different techniques to try. Because intimacy doesn’t end when the orgasms do; in a way, it’s just getting started.

Why Sexual Aftercare Matters

Aftercare isn’t just what happens after sex. Rather, it’s another part that makes up the sexual experience, says Richmond. First, there’s the build-up (think: flirting, kissing, and touching). Then comes oral sex, penetration, or something else entirely. And then comes aftercare. But all three of these parts constitute sex—and they all play an important role.

Usually, what comes first sets the mood; what comes next brings physical pleasure; and aftercare helps you shift from intimacy back to feeling grounded, says Balestrieri. But even more than that, creating an aftercare plan with your partner requires the two of you to discuss your needs before intimacy even begins, ensuring the experience—from beginning to middle to end—is fully consensual, explains Amanda Pasciucco, PhD, LMFT, a certified sex therapist. That level of intentionality and presence is essential for fostering connection and trust between partners.

Skipping aftercare, however, can have consequences. If you feel vulnerable after sex, forgoing any kind of post-sex connection can leave you feeling emotionally “dropped,” says Balestrieri. There’s a greater risk that you’ll experience a sudden emotional shift or a “vulnerability hangover”—that is, a state of lingering discomfort and self-doubt. This emotional gap could even lead to hesitancy to re-engage in sex, as the lack of transition can make intimacy feel incomplete, says Balestrieri.

And for those who engage in BDSM or roleplay, aftercare becomes even more crucial, say Balestrieri, Richmond, and Pasciucco. These types of play often involve heightened sensory or power dynamics, such as the use of restraints, toys, or dominant/submissive roles. “When you’re engaging in bondage or play that leads to really intense emotional feelings, it can be so vulnerable,” says Pasciucco. “Therefore, it’s really important you know after that you’re going to have tea together or a meal, or you’re going to shower together, et cetera.” Expressing your love and care for one another through aftercare helps affirm that the experience was merely a scene and does not reflect your usual feelings for them, says Pasciucco.

But no matter the dynamic—whether you’re sleeping with someone casually, in a long-term relationship, and/or exploring BDSM or roleplay—aftercare is essential. It’s the key to sustaining intimacy and connection long after the physical act of sex ends.

How To Practice Aftercare

If you’re realizing that aftercare might be missing in your sex life, don’t worry—it’s never too late to start prioritizing it. Here are expert-recommended techniques to try to help you and your partner feel closer after sex:

1. Chat it out.

After sex, one of the most important ways to strengthen your connection is through open and honest communication. A conversation gives both partners an opportunity to walk through what just happened—discussing what they enjoyed most, if there were any challenges, and what they might want to change for the next time, says Richmond. By having this conversation (and keeping it positive and constructive, of course), this type of aftercare can set the precedent for better experiences in the future.

A few questions you can ask your partner, per Richmond: How are you feeling right now? Do you need anything? Followed by: How was the experience for you? Is there anything you wished we did differently?

2. Incorporate some soothing touch.

If just chatting through a sexperience isn’t helping you feel more connected and calm, physical touch might be the aftercare technique that works best for you. You can also try both together. “For many people, physical touch is more effective at regulating their nervous system than words alone,” says Richmond. This can include anything from a back massage or foot rub to having your hair gently played with.

3. Cuddle up.

Skin-to-skin cuddling is a powerful way to connect in a non-sexual yet intimate way. “Giving each other touch is how we increase oxytocin, which is how we feel loved and connected,” says Pasciucco. Whether it’s lying in each other’s arms, laying your head on your partner’s shoulder, or simply holding hands, this kind of touch can help both partners feel bonded and appreciated.

4. Snack and hydrate.

After having sex, you might feel the urge to drink a large glass of water—or maybe, you feel downright hungry. Whether it’s making an easy breakfast, brewing a cup of tea, or grabbing some of your favorite snacks, eating with your partner can “build trust and be emblematic when you feel really vulnerable,” says Balestrieri. It’s a small yet powerful reminder that you’re intimately connected outside of the bedroom, too.

5. Take some solo time.

Not everyone craves immediate attention after sex, and that’s completely okay, too. Sometimes, alone time is needed in order to “process and really find clarity in the scene or experience they just participated in,” says Richmond. If you think this could be you, try sitting in silence, meditating, or even listening to music.

But make sure to communicate this need with your partner to avoid hurting their feelings, adds Richmond. It’s also important to take their needs into account, too, and find a compromise that works for you both—whether that means cuddling without speaking to one another, or taking a breather for a specific amount of time. Either way, communicate your expectations clearly with something along the lines of, I will need ten minutes to myself after our experience. After that, I’d love to reconnect with you.

6. Draw a bath.

A warm bath can be a soothing technique to transition out of sex into your sense of self. “It’s a way [someone] can reclaim their body in a non-sexual way that feels gentle, enveloping, and easy,” says Balestrieri. This could mean soaking solo, having your partner sit at the opposite end of the tub, or leaning into them as they cuddle you from behind. Whatever the case, the importance here is to focus on feeling relaxed and present in your body.

7. Catch some sleep.

Sometimes the best way to end sex is to simply rest. After sex, “it’s all about feeling replenished, or rejuvenating the body,” says Pasciucco. Whether you’re snoozing solo or cuddled up with your partner, winding down with some Z’s can help you recharge—physically and emotionally.

Just be sure to share this need with your partner so that they don’t feel like their own post-sex needs are getting ignored. You might say, I tend to feel pretty wiped out after sex. Can we save the cuddles or chats for the morning when I’ll be more present?

8. Put it on paper.

If you process emotions best through reflection, journaling can be a powerful aftercare technique. Writing down your thoughts and feelings allows you to examine and investigate your experience. You can choose to either share these reflections with your partner or keep them private.

Balestrieri recommends asking yourself questions like: What was I feeling? How did that impact me? What am I learning about myself from this experience? What questions do I have for myself or for my partner for next time?

How To Talk To Your Partner About Aftercare

Now that you’ve got an idea of different aftercare techniques, the next step is figuring out how to communicate your needs effectively to your partner.

First, timing is everything. Richmond advises having these conversations outside the bedroom—avoid times like right before sex (when pressure can be present), or right after (when emotions can be high). Instead, choose a neutral moment that allows both of you to approach the topic with clarity and ease. “Make time during the week together to talk,” adds Pasciucco. “People might think it’s not spontaneous, but just because something’s planned doesn’t mean it’s less fun.”

As for how to discuss what works for you and what doesn’t, kindness and respect are key. Balestrieri recommends approaching the conversation with mutual curiosity and a focus on how to make things feel great for both of you. And if your needs and your partner’s are at odds, the answer is compromise—take turns, combine approaches, or meet in the middle. For example, if you prefer sleep but your partner wants to connect, try cuddling as you fall asleep. Or, if you need alone time while they prefer to talk, take some time for yourself first and then come back to reconnect.

Finally, try to be understanding when it comes to your partner’s needs after sex—and also, your own. “Give yourself grace and don’t apologize for the aftercare that feels nice [for you],” says Balestrieri.