No matter how many dozens of Netflix-and-chill nights you and your long-term partner have had together, there’s something that keeps you tuning in for more. But just as individuals age and change over time, the same goes for your sex life: What turned you on when you first made it Facebook official might not be the same for you now.
Experts say that the key to a happy, fulfilling sex life with a long-term S.O. is changing things up and making your own new sex “rules” as you go along. But of course, these “rules” aren’t hard and fast, and they don’t stay stagnant; they grow and change with your relationship. Just as a casual relationship might progress to commitment (and, for some, children), your sex life can shift in tandem with your ever-shifting partnership.
“In the beginning, everything is carefree and wonderful, and it’s easy to have loving and sexual feelings towards your partner,” Sarah Schewitz, PsyD and licensed clinical psychologist, tells Refinery29. It’s what comes after that honeymoon phase — children, debt, and boredom, to name a few possibilities — that can put a damper on your sex life.
That’s not to say that every single long-term couple has issues in the bedroom (in fact, there’s plenty of research out there that suggests that people can stay “very intensely in love” for decades). But studies suggest that couples who exhibit certain sexual behaviors tend to be more satisfied with their sex lives. And even if you’re already satisfied, putting effort into your sex life and learning new things can only be a good thing.
So what are some tips, tricks, experiments, and “rules” sex experts wish you’d include in your sex life? We talked to the experts themselves and rounded up 30. Try ’em or break ’em — just have fun.
Whether you’re already a seasoned expert with a curated collection of X-rated videos or you’re a curious novice, talking about porn with your partner can be both illuminating and a turn-on. And if you don’t think you’d be into porn, don’t forget that there’s a lot of variety out there, so it may just be a matter of figuring out what works for you (and your partner, if the two of you can get in sync).“Porn has come a long way in [terms of] diversity and quality over the past several years, and there is a vast variety available, ranging from hot and nasty all-action to full-blown cinematic films with pirate ships, space odysseys, and even Hollywood-style special effects,” Coleen Singer, sexologist for Sssh.com, says.
For those who are new to porn, Singer recommends the “XXX-parody” category, since it combines humor with steamy sex. (We also recommend Trenchcoat X, the subscription site started by Stoya and Kayden Kross.)
“Make it a sexy event, and for a special touch, bring in some strawberries, Champagne, and perhaps a few sex toys,” Singer says.
Dive into the Kama Sutra.
Even if you know what it is, Google the crap out of the Kama Sutra — seriously, it can give you a ton of ideas. While you don’t need us to tell you that the key to a fun sex life is switching things up, you might need a refresher on the storied text’s notorious sex positions. (Might we suggest starting with Lotus?)
Schewitz suggests having a conversation with your partner about how you want to incorporate more play and variety into your routine, and then challenge yourselves to try a new position once a month. And if the Kama Sutra isn’t your thing, you can try standing positions, positions from behind, or any other variation that appeals to you. (And remember: Write it down!)
Hear us out: So much about what makes sex super erotic and enjoyable in a long-term relationship is how well you know each other, how much you care about each other, and how willing you are to invest in the other’s pleasure. But once you get into the habit of only having quickies before work or bed, you can miss out on a lot of the fun.“Sex is about feeling connected to your partner and being intimate,” Schewitz says. And while quickies and low-key sex can be fun at times, more drawn-out sex can have a big payoff in terms of intimacy and pleasure. “Make sure you set aside time to connect in both ways,” Schewitz added.
Many people can attest to how hot make-up sex can be. But sex and relationship therapist Courtney Geter, LMFT, cautions against letting sex become your only form of conflict resolution. Rather, it should be more of a celebration once you’ve worked through any issues. On the flip side, she also says that some couples go through extended time periods without sex due to fighting, and that isn’t good, either.“The tip here is develop strong conflict-resolution skills in order to keep the relationship strong and healthy, and don’t let conflict make sex a symptom,” she explains.
Sometimes the key to better sex has nothing to do with sex.
Create a sex menu.
When you’re in a long-term relationship, especially when you co-habitate, one of the most common texts you’ll shoot each other’s way is “What should we have for dinner?” That’s why sexologist, sex educator, and relationship expert Lisa Hochbergersays to consider a different type of menu to keep things interesting.
“Each partner will write three sexual acts that they would like to do as an appetizer, three sexual acts that they would want as a main course, and three sexual acts that they would want as dessert,” she explains. “Then the couple will read each other’s menus and negotiate a sex menu that they will engage in that night.”
Still unclear? Here’s a sample sex menu:
Appetizers
Foot massage
Blindfold
Suck nipples
Main Course
Oral sex
Anal sex
Play with vibrator
Dessert
Spanking
Back massage
Cuddling
Make a body map of one another.
What makes sex both engaging and, at times, redundant in a long-term relationship is how well you know each other’s bodies. You know where and how to thrust, which spots are the most sensitive, and how to get each other off at lightning speed. While that can be fun and convenient, it can also take some of the imagination out of things. So Hochberger says to consider literally writing down what you know and then figuring out what you can learn by talking about it.
To start, each person takes turns drawing the other’s body as best as they can. (As Hochberger says, you’re the only person that needs to see it.)
“When you are finished, start by touching, licking, and caressing your partner’s feet,” she explains. “Start with the left foot and ask, ‘Does it feel good when I kiss you there? Does it feel good when I lick you there? Do you like it when I rub your feet softly, or do you like when I rub your feet with more pressure?’”
Then work your way up to your partner’s head. As you move along to each part of your partner’s body, take notes on the drawing.
“If you are in a long-term relationship, you will be surprised to learn that your partner may have changed over the years,” Hochberger says
Don’t discount the importance of non-sexual touch.
Sometimes, focusing on non-erogenous zones can be more erotic than engaging in overtly sexual activities. Aside from amping up your day-to-day touching — which studies suggest can help boost “overall relationship and partner satisfaction” — consider a non-sexual activity that still requires touch, like a massage. Hochberger suggests buying massage oils and setting the mood by turning off the lights, lighting candles, and getting completely naked.
“Take your time rubbing and massaging your partner,” Hochberger says. “Get as close to your partner’s genitals as you would like, but do not touch.”
She adds: “After you each have spent an hour or two massaging each other, you can enjoy some slippery sex.”
Switch up the timing.
You and your partner might be night owls who get turned on before bed or morning people who are revving to go as soon as you wake up. But in an effort to keep your sex life surprising and engaging, relationship expert and therapist Dr. Jane Greer suggests switching up the timing of your lovemaking.
“If you’re used to having it on the same days because of schedule convenience, try having a quickie on other days when you might have less time; if you always have sex at night, try it in the morning,” she says. “The novelty of doing something different brings with it a certain level of excitement.”
If you’re still under the impression that your partner has to make the first move or that the ball is always in your court, Greer suggests that you step outside of your respective comfort zones.“Put your desires out there and show your partner that you find them attractive and hot,” she says. “People fall into routines and expectations of who should initiate, so knowing your partner is turned on and wants to be with you is a turn-on in and of itself.”
Talk about masturbating.
Even if you’ve never discussed it with your long-term partner — let alone actually masturbated together — there’s a good chance you’re both masturbating on your own time, since most peoplereport doing it. So why not talk about it?
“Talking about each other’s masturbation habits and preferences can be a huge turn-on,” says sex therapist Holly Richmond, PhD.
Plus, Dr. Richmond adds that supporting your partner’s masturbation habits and taking the erotic pressure off your partner for your own pleasure some of the time can make sex together feel more relaxed.
“Give them their space for sexual self expression, a huge part of which is masturbating,” she says.
