What is Demisexuality?

Originally published @ Health Journal

By Samuel Mayer

- Content and imagery reposted with permission -

We grew up believing that one gender attracts the opposite gender. That is to say, a man is likely to be only attracted to a woman. Progress in our understanding led us to accept that a male can be sexually attracted to a male. In fact, a person may experience intimacy towards both a female and a male making the person a bisexual. A new addition to the sexuality spectrum comes in the form of demisexuality.

What is it?

If the idea of love at first sight, or hookups on Tinder don’t appeal to you, chances are that you are a Demisexual. This sexuality is different in the sense that a Demi person would not feel any sexual attraction until and unless he/she develops an emotional connection with the other person.

What holds the key for demisexuality is not the looks of the person. Rather how well you are able to manifest the emotional intimacy aspect.

Although not enough research has been put into understanding the phenomena, there is some explanation available.

Dr. Holly Richmond is a PhD scholar who specializes in sex therapy and marriage counseling. She gives her valuable input on demisexuality. According to Dr Richmond, in normal circumstances, a person experiences a physical pull towards the other person. Be it be the facial features, the voice or any other aspect of the body. A heterosexual person will experience some sort of physical intimacy.

However, this doesn’t hold true for demisexuals. In their dictionary, something, as having a crush or getting aroused on the first meetup, does not exist. What’s more important to them is the urge to know the other person more. Subsequently, be friends with them in the best way possible in order to strengthen the emotional connection. Once that has been attained successfully would only the person feel any sexual arousal.

One important thing to note is that demisexuality works regardless of the gender of the other person. You may as well feel emotionally connected to either a boy or a girl. In most cases, that doesn’t matter!

Common Signs of Demisexuality

After reading the above passage, you might possibly question your sexuality. A lot of people tend to have this confusion. Whether they are actually demi or not. Although, there is no exact procedure to evaluate your sexual orientation, some signs of demisexuality may help you arrive at a conclusion.

Looks are not important for Demis: Yes, if you are a demi then facial features of the other person may be completely irrelevant to you. All you would aim for is getting to know them and manifest an emotional connection.

Sex is always a secondary part of a relationship. One common misconception people have is that demi people do not experience sexual attraction. That is entirely untrue. Once the emotional intimacy has been established, it may translate into physical intimacy in the form of sex. Yet for a lot of Demis, intercourse is always a secondary part of the relationship.

Most relationships start off as friendships. This is one other thing distinctive about demisexuality. A demisexual person would unlikely jump off straight into a relationship. Chances are they will try becoming friends first in order to know more about the other person.


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